Naruto Uzumaki was walking through the woods, heading home after a long day of training. It was getting dark out and he wanted to get back to his house before it became fully dark. As he was walking, he heard a noise, then another series of noises. It sounded like somebody talking, and three more somebodies responding.
Naruto turned around and walked toward the source of the sounds. He hadn't gone more than a few meters before he saw them.
It was team 6, huddled around a campfire. Naruto crouched behind a bush to avoid being seen by them. He waited, listening to what they were saying.
Gai said, "Okay, team. Now that we're alone in the woods, there's no reason to hold anything back. Tonight, we will bear our souls to each other. In doing so we will not only grow as a team, we will grow stronger than Kakashi's team, and that's all that matters."
Naruto rolled his eyes. What a king-sized douche bag, he thought.
"So, what do we do? Tell our secrets?" Ten-ten asked.
"Exactly," Gai said. "Who wants to start?"
Neji and Ten-ten looked nervously at each other. Neither of them wanted to start.
"I will start, Gai-sensei!" Lee said in his usual spastic ass-kissing way. "One day, during training, I had to piss and crap very badly. But I did not want to miss a second of Gai-sensei's lesson. So I used all the chakra I could summon and held it in. Then, when training ended, I ran as fast as I could to the nearest bathroom. I let everything out, and I felt a sense of accomplishment and relief. Then I realized I had forgotten to pull down my jumpsuit first, and I felt very uncomfortable."
When Lee finished, Ten-ten just stared at him like he was a total asshole. Neji started laughing his ass off, and he rolled around on the ground in hysteria.
Lee said, "It is not funny, Neji!"
Lee, Gai thought, anime rivers of tears pouring down his cheeks. You pissed and shit yourself just so you wouldn't have to miss my training?!
Reading Gai's mind, Lee started sobbing streams of anime tears, too. Anything for you, Gai-sensei, he thought.
Naruto was suppressing laughter from behind the bushes. He had both hands clasped over his mouth and was holding his breath so hard he thought his lungs were going to explode. Inside, he was laughing and screaming I can't believe that little douche bag shit his pants!
Ten-ten, who wasn't on their telepathic wavelength, just stared at the two of them strangely.
"I guess it's my turn," she said.
Gai and Lee quickly composed themselves. "Okay, Ten-ten. Go for it," Gai told her.
Clearing her throat, Ten-ten began. "Well . . . I know Choji isn't the thinnest guy in Konoha. But I really like—"
"Okay, Ten-ten. That was a great secret." Gai cut her off.
Ten-ten said "But I didn't even—"
"Now it's my turn," Gai said. "One time, I kinda . . . sabatogedKakashionamisson. Okay, who's next?"
"Wait a minute," Neji said. "What did you just say?"
Gai told him "I just said my deepest secret, Neji. Okay, now who wants to—"
"Hold it. You sabotaged Kakashi on a mission? What did you do?" Neji asked.
Naruto seethed from his hiding place. That bastard! He thought. How could he do that to Kakashi-sensei?!
"Yes, Gai-sensei," Lee said. "Please tell us."
Gai sighed. "Alright," he said. "It was back when Kakashi and I were Genin. Even though I was clearly the better ninja, the Hokage gave him a mission to transport a priceless china vase to the village hidden in the sand. It was supposed to be my mission!"
"So what did you do?" Ten-ten asked.
"I broke the vase. You should have seen the look on Kakashi's face when he opened the package to give to the Kazekage and saw that it was smashed."
"Was Kakashi in trouble?" Neji asked.
Gai's face darkened. "No, Neji. Kakashi took full responsibility. Then the Kazekage told him that it was a test. The vase was supposed to break. The Hokage was just testing Kakashi to see if he'd be honest about it. So Kakashi passed the mission with flying colors."
Naruto snickered to himself. That's what you get, you stupid senior douche bag, he thought
Gai sighed. "Okay, Neji. That just leaves you."
Neji's eyes darkened. "Well, it was a dark deed I committed almost a year ago. In fact, it will be a year ago tomorrow."
Ten-ten gazed at him intently. Lee looked shocked, and Gai's eyes widened. As he was watching, Naruto thought, just what the hell did he do?!
Neji continued. "I knew that if I had been caught, the consequences would be very severe. I might have to flee the hidden leaf village and evade the Anbu for the rest of my natural life. But I decided that it was a risk I was willing to take. I was young and foolish, and I didn't care."
He looked around at the horrified looks on his teammate's faces. "What did you do?" Ten-ten breathed.
And with a calmness that was almost horrifying, Neji said "I stole a cookie from Gai's cookie jar."
Lee screamed like he'd seen the devil and fell over, appearing to have fainted. Ten-ten just gaped at him, and Gai was furious.
"You did WHAT?!" Gai thundered. "You stupid little bastard! I thought it was Kakashi and that he'd gotten the better of me."
Lee quickly stood up and brushed himself off. "No offense, Neji." He said. "But your secret was stupid."
Neji scoffed. "This coming from the guy who shit his pants until they were brimming?"
Naruto laughed to himself. This was just too good.
Gai said "Listen, team. What we have said here tonight must never leave the campfire circle. It is a sacred promise we will make as a team."
"Okay," Neji said. "I won't tell anyone that Lee pisses and shits himself!"
At these words, a fight broke out among team 6. Naruto couldn't hold back his laughter anymore. He ran away as fast as he could, until he was out of earshot. Then he collapsed to the ground and laughed his ass off. He laughed until he almost pissed his pants.
When he was done laughing, Naruto stood up and started walking home once more. He was thinking about what Gai had said about keeping the team's secrets. Maybe he's right, he thought. Maybe some things are better left a secret. I know I'd be pretty embarrassed if anything like that ever got out about me.
By then, Naruto was almost home. He saw Sasuke standing just outside his house, staring at the stars.
Naruto ran up to him and yelled "Hey, Sasuke! You won't believe what the douche bag did in his pants!"
The End