Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Note: This moment was bound to happen; since the day I had first decided to start a profile on fanfiction, this was bound to happen – I was bound to write a story of senseless, crack-humour. Seriously. This is what you get when I'm in a fussy mood, I have portfolios to finish, and I haven't done any preparations for piano class tomorrow. Funny or just plain stupid, you tell me.
Hiei in Wonderland
Chapter I : The Voice in My Head
Okay. Relax. Try to think back... Remember... What happened before this to make me wake up here of all places? This has to be a dream.
Hiei Jaganshi allowed his crimson orbs to flutter and retreat beneath closed lids; and, upon opening them, stared straight into the face of a beaming kitty-girl, her bright eyes blinking as she awaited his decision.
'Left or right?' asked the kitty-girl, her pink eyes wide and sparkling, her lips carved into what seemed to be (in his opinion) a permanent smile. The kitty-girl's blue fur-hair, so vivid yet familiar at the same time, flowed gracefully behind her in an invisible, almost non-existant wind (Hiei wondered how he couldn't feel any trace of a breeze at all).
'Hn. Wherever gets me out of this damn place.'
The kitty-girl blinked before doubling over with maddening giggles. This, of course, only caused the currently defenceless koorime to glare, grinding his teeth with suppressed rage, as he waited not-so-patiently for the kitty-girl to cease her rediculous idiocy. What, after all, was so amusing?
Again the koorime closed his eyes; this time with a finger pressed to his temple; a motion in which, the fox had taught him, would focus your thoughts or lessen a headache. 'Okay, try again, Jaganshi,' the little voice in his mind whispered, anxiously, as if sharing his current agony. 'Try again. Try harder.'
Hiei's eyes furrowed – an expression his enemies had known him for before being butched unmercifully by the swipe of his dreaded katana – as he strained his Jagan eye oh-so-hard as to remind himself how exactly he had gotten himself into such a... situation.
'After all,' whispered the little voice, as his mind focused intensely on battling his own broken memories. 'Talking cats and smart-assed bunnies can't possibly be real.'
Flashback
'You can't go on this mission, Hiei – and that's final!'
The infamous ex-convict, Hiei Jaganshi, threw his most fearsome glare at the irksome brat known as Koenma, son of Lord Enma himself. 'Why not?' One would be expected to whine in such a position – but he didn't whine. Argue, yes, but never whine. 'The fox gets to go!'
Said fox spared a pathetic glance; both hands raised up in a surrender-type motion, before swiveling back to brake gazes with the menacing Fire Apparation. Hiei Jaganshi, as he was known for, was NOT one to be reckoned with – friend or no friend, Hiei Jaganshi could behead a person without purposely meaning to.
'Kurama is only half-demon, and as such, has dominance over Youko. He can control himself if the situation arises, but you, as a full demon, can notEven if you claim to have some power over your more demonic side, I can't just take the risk.'
Hiei's inner demon stirred, struck square in the ego. It was one thing for the brat to be right, but another thing entirely for him to be wrong.
'Well can't you at least find me a better place to stay at rather than that stupid onna's place?' he argued. Not whined. Never whined.
Yusuke laughed the same moment the koorime felt a warm hand rest upon his left shoulder. 'Relax, man,' said the Detective, shoving him good-naturedly in the back. 'Botan's cool – and besides... a little female companionship might do you good.'
Hiei shuddered when the Detective threw him a cheeky wink of approval.
FLASH
'Are you just going to stand there all day?'
Crimson clashed with petal-pink as Hiei turned to meet the gaze of an impish ferry woman, her posture impatient as she gently tapped one foot against the flush fuchsia carpets of her aparment floor.
'Maybe.'
The woman sighed, throwing her arms in the air. 'Only a half hour and all ready you're beginning to get on my nerves, huh, Hiei?'
The Jaganshi smirked; proud of the result of his mulish nature.
'You just sit down for a while and I'll get you something to occupy the time.'
FLASH
The ferry woman's eyes were closed and her lips fastened into a broadened smile as she extended both her arms to hand him a very thick, very old-looking book.
'Whats this?' asked Hiei (though his question sounded like more of a statement than anything else). Carefully, the koorime tilted his head forward and poked it roughtly with a finger. 'You're expecting me to... read?'
'What?' The ferry woman's eyes had opened and were now brimming with mischief. 'You can't read?'
Hiei sneered. 'Of course I can read, you stupid girl,' he snapped, seizing the book from her warm hands to his own calloused ones. 'I've just never had the time for it.'
The woman giggled – that insolent fool of a woman dared giggle at him, the one and only, infamous makai thief, Hiei Jaganshi! The thief that caused fear and distress to the hearts of even the strongest of warriors – and that- that GIRL dared GIGGLE at him!
'Well, I'm sure you can make time for it now,' she said, almost jibingly at him. 'I'm going to make us some dinner. Don't have too much fun while I'm away!'
Upon hearing this, the unhappy koorime once again sneered in digress. 'Like anyone could have any fun with you around...' he muttered, half-consciously, immersing himself into the pages all ready.
That... that Botan! SHE was the cause of this! It was HER fault he was now trapped here in this... this book! She must have taken that retched thing from the Spirit World – in FACT, the Spirit World must have planned this all a long! She and that brat Koenma had agreed to set him up and, and...
'And what?' challenged the voice in his head.
Damn. Hadn't thought of that... but whatever it is they're planning, it was probably no good – after all, a mere eight minutes ago, he had just been toyed-with by a fast-talking, fast-swearing, smart-mouthed rabbit.
'You have to admit – that was rather funny!' the voice chuckled.
AND, to top it all off, he now had a damn VOICE in his head.
'Its called a conscience, moron.'
Hiei Jaganshi fumed, and inwardly snapped at his inner voice to shut-the-hell-up.
Damn. Stuck in a world where the trees were right-side-up, the air smelled too sweet for his liking, rabbits are bad-mouthed, the existance of kitty-girls can put any loud-mouthed ferry onna to shame AND he had a conscience – what else could possibly go wrong?
Thunder rumbled, and, from out of nowhere, a miniature cloud appeared to pour heavy rain above Hiei's head.
During that moment of ironic and unfortunate circumstances, the voice had the audacity to snicker.
Author's Note: Not exactly your beloved fairytale is it? Well, he IS Hiei, you know, so you can't expect anything better. Its all one-track-mind for him, and the fact that he had somehow found himself in a wonderland won't move his beliefs. Anyways, I've just submitted a picture of Botan on DeviantArt; the picture is called Fairy Botan. Look for me; my username (on DA) is N-Hannah.
REVIEW!