This chapter was powered by: Mime shards at Brixton, Microsoft Word wanting to call him Taboo, Nabob or Taco instead, and small spider on the windowsill named Mabel.
The bottle of shampoo was labelled:
PROPERTY OF VINCE NOIR.
DO NOT TOUCH, ON PAIN OF DEATH.
EVER.
REALLY.
I MEAN IT.
AND IT'LL BE A REALLY NASTY, POINTY DEATH!
Naboo was mildly impressed he'd managed to fit all that on one label. He made a mental note to spike Vince's mocha with a Forget-Me-Lots potion - Pointy Death tended to interfere with his Shamanic schedule.
He carefully poured some shampoo out, and turned on the PowerShower of Youth.
Meanwhile, in the neighbouring forest, a familiar-yet-unfamiliar-face was busy throwing a tantrum. Soon, the rest of her body had joined in too, which just goes to show what a powerful tantrum it was.
'OOooooooOOoooHH,' she howled, smacking the ground with her giant green thumb 'Dumped me publicly, on the apples-and-pears, didn't even bother to wait for some privacy! OOooHhh…the rotten git! 'Ee might've at least gone on ONE date with me first! 'Ee might've at least TRIED, but NO, men these days can't stick wiv you for more than thirty seconds – and I EN'T even being metaphorical! Ooh, it 'urts more than a safety-pin sandwich…!'
You have heard of the Hitcher – but what few people know is that, coming from a 'long line of Hitchers', he has also a family, including a young, green, polo-eyed niece. Technically, she should posses a humorous spin-off name like the Hitcherette or something, but she's only called Ethel, because, well, you know, spin-offs are just a bit naff.
And she was every bit as evil as her dolphin-raping Uncle!
'Right,' Ethel gnashed, her nose and chin thrust out like a moody nutcracker, 'THAT'S IT! No doubt my bogey-coloured visage and foot-long nose are sending my suitors packing – well, sod it! If I can't be 'appy wiv a nice green boyfriend, then nobody else should be either! From now on, I'm gonna work me evil voodoo magick on any miserable little couple that goes about cooin' at each other and snogging on public transport and the like! STARTIN WITH YOU, YOU SKQUITTERIN' LITTLE BUGGERS!' she roared at two nearby squirrels.
The squirrels stared at her for a minute, then got bored and scampered amorously away.
Ethel was momentarily lost.
'Oh sod it, humans are easier anyway!' she recovered, ranting as she stomped off into the Xooberonian forest, booting snails bad-temperedly all the way.
Naboo rinsed off the 50-quid-a-bottle shampoo, and exited the shower, donning a large and spangly purple towel. He stopped, stunned.
There was the most beautiful creature walking past him, the three Xooberonian suns like an economy-size halo behind her. Admittedly, it was a five-foot fox - but holy pineapple, she was beautiful.
The fox caught sight of him, and locked eyes.
Time stood still.
Then, after what seemed like years, it resumed its eternal hopscotch game.
Naboo stared. Forming words seemed to be difficult. Also walking in a straight line. Also paying attention to anything that was going on. Also breathing. And ok, most of these usually looked quite difficult for Naboo, but now more so. Magic dust, my turban, he thought, reeling, Lenny must've bin selling me crushed aspirins and tile grout again. Las' time I snort any of hismix.
'Are you a drug-induced hallucinat'n?' he asked the beauteous creature.
'No,' shesaid in a voice like honeyed honey, 'A Taurus, actually'
Leave a review, or I will be forced to link a future chapter to a site selling poor-quality Boosh ringtones. And don't make me do that - the 'Hitcher' one sounds like a Hungarian paedophile.