TITLE: When Good Masters Go Bad
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Pre-TPM. Non-Slash. (Obi-Wan is 13) A vengeful Qui-Gon, a torturous Bren, a hiding Brazo and a padawan caught in the middle of it all.
ARCHIVE: Please ask me first.
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
NOTE: This story has HUGE references to the very end of Jedi Apprentice book # 15, The Death of Hope. And it plays off of Qui-Gon's words on that last page.
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When Good Masters Go Bad
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(Obi-Wan rolled around in his bed, thrashing about as the same nightmare haunted his sleep once again. She was coming for him. For him and all of his padawan friends. Her evil laugh made him cringe as he struggled to stay ahead of her. It would be of no use. The torture would continue.)
Obi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! (He jolted out of bed and ran around the common area before bursting through his master's bedroom door.) MASTER!!!!!!
(Qui-Gon was not happy to be disturbed from his slumber. He'd been having peaceful dreams of training a 'normal' apprentice to knighthood.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, this better be important. The entire temple can hear you screaming. What's wrong?
Obi: Master Bren...(he said panting)...she...she...she's trying to torture me. Me and all my friends. Garen, Bant, Reeft, Taj and some other dark haired kid. You have to stop her, she's gone mad. And she's after me!
Qui: I don't see anyone after you. All I see is you disturbing my sleep, once again.
Obi: But, Master! This is really freaking me out. Really. She's in my dreams and keeps talking about different ways to torture me. I'm in pain just thinking about it. Who would want to torture me anyway? I'm a normal kid.
Qui: Yes, you keep believing that. Are you shaking?
Obi: YES! This scared the crap outta me! HELLO? Aren't you listening?
Qui: I'm sorry, Padawan. I should be comforting you. Sit here next to me.
Obi: Okay. I need mush and a lot of it.
(The boy sat bedside as Qui-Gon wrapped his arms around him. Immediately, Obi-Wan squirmed away, swatting at his master's hands.)
Obi: NO! Stop! Get off me. What are you doing?
Qui: Uh, hugging you. That's what you want, right? Mush?
Obi: Master, NO! I just want you to tap me on the shoulder. Who taught you how to hug?
Qui: Well, I've been practicing. Here, let me show you.
Obi: GET OFF ME! STOP IT!
Qui: What is wrong with you?
Obi: Me? You're the one who's not acting normally here. Just TAP my shoulder like you always do. HURRY! TAP IT! NOW!
Qui: Okay, okay. Here. Tap. Tap. Tap. Why is your jaw dropping?
Obi: It always does that when you tap me. Ah, that's great, Master. I love you too.
Qui: Yes. Okay. Would you like another tap?
Obi: No, can't over do it. To much tapping makes Obi a dull boy.
Qui: I'm sure it does.
Obi: I can't go back to sleep. Can we get up early and get started on some exercises?
Qui: You actually WANT to workout?
Obi: Yes. Problem?
Qui: No, I suppose not. You're not running a fever or anything, hmmm. Okay. Give me a few minutes.
(Qui-Gon got dressed and wandered into the kitchen, cursing under his breath when he couldn't find any coffee.)
Qui: Sith. I thought I told that boy to get more coffee. OBI-WAN?
Obi: Yes, Master?
Qui: Didn't you get more coffee last week?
Obi: No, Master. I tried, but everyone is out of it. It seems Master Valdez has taken a leave of absence. Something about trying to start a breeding ranch for donkeys.
Qui: Huh?
Obi: My point exactly. Master Bren might have a stash of it, but she's probably trying to figure out how she can torture me with it. Throw it in my eyes or something. I don't know.
Qui: Come on, let's go. I need to do something with my time since I don't have any coffee. Shall we go to the sparring gym?
Obi: YES! An early morning spar! That's my kinda workout.
(As they made their way to the gym, several masters strolled by and nodded their greetings. One of them, Master Arron, accidentally dropped his saber hilt, causing Qui-Gon to trip over it. Arron quickly picked up the saber and helped Qui-Gon to his feet.)
Arron: Qui-Gon, I am so sorry. It slipped out of my hands. Are you all right?
Qui: Don't worry. I will seek revenge on you for that action. There is no help for you.
Arron: What?
Obi: Huh?
Arron: No need for revenge. Just an accident.
Qui: REVENGE!
Obi: Uh, Master? Are you okay? Come on, we'd better go.
(The padawan grabbed Qui-Gon's hand and pulled him away, leaving a small group of extremely confused Jedi behind.)
Qui: Slow down, Obi-Wan. The gym is not going anywhere. We will get there.
Obi: I just wanted to get you away from Master Arron.
Qui: Why?
Obi: You were rambling about revenge. Jedi don't seek revenge. At least that's what you always tell me.
Qui: Oh, that. Just a joke between masters.
Obi: Yes, that's why they looked at you like your head was spinning.
Qui: Do you want to spar or not?
(In the gym, the morning sparring match proceeded well. Obi-Wan even scored a couple touches. Then he took advantage of a huge mistake by his master and pinned him to the floor.)
Obi: HA! Did you see that move, Master? I got you good!
Qui: I shall seek my revenge on you for that. There is no help for you.
Obi: Ummmm...it's only a sparring match.
Qui: REVENGE!
Obi: Riiiiiiight. I think you need to have a visit with Nev. What in the Force is the matter with you?
Qui: What? What did I do?
Obi: The revenge thing again. Master, stop that.
Qui: Obi-Wan, can't you tell when I am joking with you? Lighten up a bit.
Obi: Lighten up? I'm not the one seeking revenge on everyone.
(In the middle of their conversation, Master Bren strolled into the gym.)
Bren: Hey, Stretch! Hey, kid. Anyone seen Brazo?
Obi: Stay away from me, you sicko. GET BACK!
Bren: Easy there, Trigger. Problem?
Obi: Don't tell me you don't know what I am talking about. Does a needle in the neck mean anything? How about being chained to the wall and having hot coal thrown at you? Or dying of some horrible disease. Or...or leaving me to starve to death in the heat of the desert. Being eaten by a dragon, or trampled by a herd of trolls. Having to watch my master do his sexy Qui routine in the mirror in his curlers and boxer shorts. Being seen in Master Windu's passion purple speeder. Watching the wedding of the trolls over and over and over and over and over and over.
Bren: Time out! Is there something going on that I should know about? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Obi: Yes, act like you don't know. Then when they come to look for you, you can cover your tracks well.
Bren: Okay, Qui, what's wrong with him now?
Qui: If you torture my padawan, I will seek revenge on you. REVENGE! There will be no help for you.
Bren: Uh huh. Why would I torture the kid?
Qui: Just remember, REVENGE.
Bren: Right. Okay. Anyway, back to reality now. Have you seen Brazo? He's been ignoring me for over a week now.
Qui: I have not seen him. However, should he continue to ignore you, I will seek revenge on him. REVENGE.
Bren: Um, no. I don't want revenge; just want to talk to him is all. Sooo, you haven't seen him?
Obi: You probably tortured him with some annoying high-pitched noise that deafens him and renders him senseless.
Bren: No, not recently. I take it neither one of you has seen him then?
Qui: Not me.
Obi: Me either. You can go away now. Go on.
Bren: Sure. I'll talk to you guys later, I think.
(A confused Bren left the gym. Obi-Wan turned to his master.)
Obi: Master, you need to stop with the revenge thing. It's getting out of hand. Okay, if it was a joke, it was funny. Ha ha ha. There, I laughed. All done now. Not funny anymore.
Qui: You and Bren are very out of sorts today. What time is it? We are due to meet with the Chancellor at the ten hour.
Obi: I get to meet him finally?
Qui: Yes, Finis.
Obi: What? We're finished here?
Qui: No, not yet.
Obi: They why did you say we were?
Qui: I didn't.
Obi: You said, finis.
Qui: I know.
Obi: Welllllll, that usually means, finished. Completed. Done. Over. History. Move along. Nothing to see here.
Qui: FINIS is the Chancellor's first name, oh brilliant one.
Obi: Oh. My bad. Why didn't you just say that then?
Qui: Enough.
Obi: Chancellor Finis?
Qui: Actually, Chancellor Valorum is his name.
Obi: But you just said his name was Finis.
Qui: It is.
Obi: He has two names?
Qui: I am so tempted to WHACK you right now. YES he has two names. A first and last. You know, like Obi-Wan Kenobi? His name is Finis Valorum.
Obi: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh. Okay. I got it. That's kinda cool. His last name is the same as that drug that helps you to sleep. You take it when you've had enough of me for one day.
Qui: Obi-Wan! That is VALIUM. NOT Valorum. His name is not Chancellor Valium.
Obi: Oh, sorry. It sounds similar. He could be Chancellor Finished Valium.
Qui: Just stop, please. If you want to meet him, you have to behave. You think you can manage that for at least a short time?
Obi: Yes.
Qui: Don't lie, Padawan. Just say no you can't so I don't get my hopes up.
Obi: Okay. I don't think I can behave, but I'll try my best.
Qui: Fair enough. Let's go shower and change. You have to look presentable before the Chancellor.
Obi: We don't have to wear those kilts again do we?
Qui: No. Just a clean tunic will be sufficient.
Obi: Um.
Qui: Dig around on the floor of your room, there has got to be something clean down there.
Obi: Okay, I'll see what I can find.
(On the way back to their apartment, they spotted Master Yareal Poof at the end of the hall, coming in their direction.)
Obi: Master, look. Poofy. He looks even weirder from far away.
Qui: Yes. He's mocking me from the end of the corridor. Look how his head goes baaaaaaaaaack and forrrrrrrrrrth. Baaaaaaaaaaaack and forrrrrrrrth. Baaaaaaaaack and...
Obi: MASTER!
Qui: HUH? What?
Obi: Stop that. You were mocking yourself.
Qui: Oh. Okay, quiet. Here he comes.
Poof: BOO!
Qui: Stop mocking me you fool.
Obi: Wow, he is one freaky guy!
Poof: BOO!
Qui: Don't worry my long-necked, helium head friend. Revenge will soon come for you. REVENGE!
Poof: BOO!
Qui: REVENGE!
Poof: BOO!
Qui: REVENGE!
Poof: BOO!
Qui: REVENGE!
Poof: BOO!
Obi: Okay, okay. We get the point. Mr. Poof probably has work to do, let him go, Master. You can seek your revenge later.
Qui: There is no help for you.
Poof: BOO!
Obi: Glad to see we are all being adults here. Come on, Master. Leave Mr. Poof alone now. Let's go.
(Again, the student had to drag Qui-Gon away from a fellow Jedi. He didn't release his hand until they were home.)
Qui: Go get cleaned up, Padawan. Be ready to go in twenty minutes.
(Twenty minutes later, Obi-Wan came out in a stained tunic.)
Obi: It's the cleanest I could find, Master. You were supposed to do laundry this week.
Qui: Yes, but you have actually put your soiled clothes into the laundry chute. I am not even trying to search through that room looking for what is dirty and what is not.
Obi: Oh, okay. That's how it works.
Qui: What's that stain?
Obi: Coffee.
Qui: OBI-WAN! You've been drinking my coffee, haven't you? No wonder I don't have any left.
Obi: I had a cup of it. Okay, several cups of it, every day...since...last...month. Whoops.
Qui: Whoops is right. I will have my revenge on you for this.
Obi: That's it! That's why you are so cranky today. No coffee. Master, are you addicted?
Qui: NO! There is no help for you now. REVENGE!
Obi: Would you cut that out! There is no aggression, there is coffee. The council never taught me that part of the mantra. If you had had coffee this morning, you wouldn't be threatening everyone with revenge today. You are sad, Master. So very sad.
Qui: I am aren't I? There is no help for me?
Obi: Nev can help, but later. It's almost the ten-hour.
Qui: Ah yes. Come along, Obi-Wan.
(They had to walk for a bit to get to the docking bay where the Chancellor's ship would be landing. The entire way there, Obi-Wan quizzed himself on the man's name.)
Obi: Valorum. Valorum. Val-or-um. Got it. Not Valium. Val-or-um. Valor-um. Valor. Vaaalor. Valorum. I got this.
Qui: You sure?
Obi: Yup! Do you think Chancellor Valium knows me...DAMN!
Qui: Watch your mouth. Valorum. Please do not call him Valium.
Obi: I am trying not to. I had it for a minute there.
Qui: There is no try.
Obi: Oh, yes there is. I bet Chancellor Valium...lorum...knows about try. SITH! Val-or-um. Val-or-um. Think Kenobi, think.
Qui: Just don't hurt yourself.
Obi: Funny! Thank you. Chancellor Valiu...ah...Valorum. Chancellor Valorum. Okay. I think I got it this time. Chancellor Valorum. I'm ready, Master.
Qui: Good. Right in here. Look, his ship is just landing. This is a great honor, Padawan. Usually, only older apprentices get to greet the Chancellor during his return to Coruscant.
(The tall gray-haired man was escorted by his guards off the ship. He stopped to shake the hands of several officials who were there to greet him. Then he approached Jinn and Kenobi.)
Valorum: Master Jinn, good to see you again. This is your new apprentice?
Qui: Yes, Chancellor. This is my padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Valorum: It's a pleasure to meet you Padawan Kenobi.
Obi: Thank you Chancellor Valium...uh...ah...Valinum...Valoruian. Oh Force. Vallor. Val....
Qui: Valorum, Padawan. Excuse my apprentice, he's a bit nervous.
Valorum: That's all right. Not the first time I've been called Chancellor Valium.
Obi: I could use one of those right about now.
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Obi: I'm sorry, Master. Chancellor Valor...um. Please forgive me.
Valorum: No apologies needed, young Kenobi. Now, gentlemen if you will excuse me, I must keep my schedule.
Qui: Of course.
Obi: Okay, now that I made a fool of myself, can we go home?
Qui: You are so sad. All that practicing his name and you still screwed it up. Well done, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Can I help it if the man is named after a sleeping pill?
Qui: Come on, I need to find something for you to do while I go find Bren.
Obi: Why? Adult mush? Better watch that towel this time. I'm sure she likes to look at you, but I could do without a naked master running around our apartment.
Qui: Stop! That was an accident, and you didn't help matters either. Not even getting your butt up off the couch to help me.
(Just then, Brazo came wandering into the hall where the pair was walking.)
Brazo: QUI-GON! OBI! GOOD MORNING! How are you both? Hug me!
Obi: Woohoo!
Qui: Hey! Get off me Brazo. Get away. ENOUGH! NO HUGS! I will seek revenge on you for what you have done. You have my word on that. There is no help for you.
Obi: Oh no, not again.
Brazo: Have I done something wrong? Qui-Gon! What's the problem? Revenge?
Obi: Just ignore him, he's having a mental crisis day.
Qui: REVENGE! I will not stop until I get REVENGE.
Brazo: Someone didn't take his Valium last night did he?
Obi: Please don't mention that word. Have you seen Master Bren? She's been looking for you.
Brazo: Ah, no. Lalalala. I don't hear you. Bye. Lalalala.
Obi: Has everyone lost their minds around here except for me? Master Brazo, come back.
Brazo: Lalalalala.
Qui: Let him go. He and Bren can work out their own problems.
Obi: You don't want to seek revenge on them then?
Qui: It is a joke, Padawan. Can't you get that through your head? I'm just messing with him.
Obi: Yeah, okay. Sure. Uh, Master can we go see Nev? I think I missed my session with him yesterday. I should see him now. Please?
Qui: Well, okay. Wait. I thought you didn't like those sessions.
Obi: Uh, um. They are helping me though, really. Honest. Come on, come with me.
Qui: Okay, but what if he won't see you?
Obi: Then maybe he'll have time for you...I mean, then maybe I can see him later.
(Obi-Wan stood outside Nev's office door. He rang the chime several times before Nev answered.)
Obi: Finally! You're getting slow, Mr. Nev. What's with the new sign here. It says Nev Daloon, Mind Healer. I thought you were just a Shrink.
Nev: That's what a mind healer is, Obi-Wan. You just prefer call me a Shrink in front of all my peers.
Obi: Well, they all know me anyway. And it's not like anyone around here takes me seriously.
Qui: Obi-Wan says he missed an appointment yesterday.
Nev: No, you weren't scheduled for any sessions recently. What did you need to see me for?
Qui: Padawan, you lied to me? That's it. There is no help for you. Only REVENGE!
Obi: That. He's lost it. Been doing this revenge routine all day long. Anyone who comes near him, he does this. Then he acts like it's a joke.
Qui: It is, Obi-Wan, I've told you how many times now? Come on, let's get out of here.
Obi: NO! Mr. Nev, please! He's really starting to annoy me. Not to mention he's embarrassing me in front of every Jedi within fifty feet of us. Talk to him or something.
Nev: Qui-Gon, why don't you have a seat over here on the couch.
Obi: Go ahead, Master. It's a comfy couch. I've been on it enough to know.
Qui: Are you two crazy? Can no one handle a joke anymore? Sheesh. Obi-Wan, let's go home now. Come.
Obi: But...I want to help you, Master.
Qui: There is no help for me. Only revenge. (He grabbed his apprentice by the arm and pulled him out the door.)
Obi: Nev! HELP ME!
Nev: Oh, you'll be fine. Must be his time of the month or something is all.
Obi: WHAT?
Nev: Talk to you next session, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Hey! OW! Master, that hurts! Where are we going?
Qui: To find Bren.
Obi: Again?
Qui: Yes. I need to talk to her. NOW!
Obi: Okay, why?
Qui: I need to talk to her about Tahl.
Obi: Oh not again. Are you sure you should do that?
Qui: Yes. There she is. BREN!
Bren: Oh, hey boys. Things back to normal again?
Obi: No, he'll be dead soon, I can feel it.
Bren: Dead?
Obi: Yes, you are gonna kill him.
Bren: I am. He's been two-timing me again, hasn't he?
Obi: No comment.
Qui: Quiet, Obi-Wan.
Bren: Tahl?
Qui: Yes.
Bren: WHACK!
Qui: OW!
Obi: Now you know how I feel.
Bren: You had a fling with her, didn't you?
Obi: Please, may I ask that you refrain from adult mush talk while I am within earshot.
Qui: I wouldn't call it a fling.
Bren: Oh no? What would you call it? First it was Yaddle, now Tahl.
Qui: Hey, that whole Yaddle relationship was strictly non-physical.
Obi: Oh Sith. I really don't need to hear this.
Bren: Oh yeah? Then how to you explain those mystery boxer shorts? They came from her.
Qui: How to you know?
Bren: They have little troll heads on them, Einstein.
Obi: Ewwwwww, Master!
Qui: Okay I accepted a gift from her. That was it. I swear I didn't touch her.
Obi: Bad image. Very bad image.
Bren: And how about Tahl? Did you touch her?
Qui: Well....
Bren: WHACK!
Qui: OW! It's over between us now. I mean it.
Obi: Um, Master? She's dead. I certainly hope it's over. Unless Yoda told you his secret.
Qui: Shut up, Obi-Wan. You are NOT helping matters.
Bren: So, now that she's gone and Yaddle is finally with someone of her own species, you decide that you can spend time with me? I see where I stand in your life.
Qui: I can explain, honest.
Bren: I am sure you can.
Obi: HEY! This is where all this revenge stuff is coming from. Remember, Master? When Tahl died, you had that 'Revenge, there is no help for me' episode. This is why you're acting so stupid today.
Qui: Excuse me?
Obi: You're torn between your memories, her death and your uh, relationship problems with women. And it's all hitting at once. Hence the whole revenge deal today. I thought it was your lack of coffee, but that just pushed it along.
Qui: Hmmm, I hadn't thought of that.
Obi: No, because you were after revenge. No time to think. Love and revenge do funny things to one's brain.
Bren: So does two-timing.
Qui: I think things are going to be okay now. Obi-Wan is right. A fact, which in itself is beyond belief. Bren, I want to start over. Just me and you. No Yaddle. No Tahl.
Obi: Master, remember. Tahl is dead. You must only date live women.
Qui: Right! Good advice. Thank you, Obi-Wan.
Bren: Sad. You really are sad. More so than your apprentice. You both deserve each other.
Qui: Take me back. Please?
Bren: On one condition. If I ever see or hear of you seeing another woman, I will catch you, crush you into tiny bits, and blast you into oblivion.
Obi: Wow that sounds familiar...and painful.
Bren: We have a deal?
Qui: Well, about the crushing into tiny bits part, can't you just not talk to me ever again?
Bren: I could, but that wouldn't teach you anything. You'd just find someone else to cuddle with. So?
Qui: Okay. Deal. No more two-timing.
Bren: And?
Qui: No more revenge.
Bren: Good boy. Now, Obi. You mentioned something before that I was trying to torture you?
Obi: Yes, in my dreams. You were thinking of ways to torture me and my friends. You even bought a book about the subject. Why do you want to hurt me, Master Bren? I'm not a bad person, just a little mouthy is all. Is that so wrong?
Bren: I honestly don't know why you've been dreaming such things. I think...oh wait a minute. I know. I've been doing a lot of writing lately. Stories about the Jedi. Fiction, of course. And I did recently think about writing a story about torture. Well, I have tortured Jedi in the past. I love that topic, what can I say. I love to torture Jedi. That's where you got that idea from.
Obi: Uh, but you hadn't told me about it until now. How would I know what you are writing or thinking.
Bren: True. You been in my head again, kid?
Obi: Ewww. No.
Qui: Let's just say the Force works in mysterious ways and leave it at that.
Obi: Master, that's a cop out.
Bren: Really, Qui. Obi, somehow you heard my thoughts about that and it's been haunting you. I would never hurt you or your friends. Don't worry.
Obi: That's a relief. Can I read some of what you've written?
Bren: Sure, but I'd better warn you, I was pretty hard on a certain Jedi Master. I really put him through the ringer several times.
Obi: As long as my own physical being is going to remain in tact, you can torture any Jedi you wish.
Bren: Okay, good, hit me later for that. Now that we have that problem worked out, there is still the Brazo issue I am having. He's still ignoring me.
Obi: We saw him today. Master Qui-Gon threatened him with revenge too. I told him that you were looking for him and he walked away saying lalalalala.
Bren: That worm. Come on boys, let's get him!
Qui: Revenge?
Bren: No more revenge, Qui. We've been through that already. Let's go!
(They paraded to Brazo's apartment. Bren pounded on the door with both fists.)
Bren: Brazo, open this door! I know you are in there. OPEN UP!
(After a few minutes when there was no answer, Bren turned to the other Jedi beside her.)
Obi: Maybe he's not there.
Bren: He is. I need to pick the lock.
Qui: Now Bren, that's a bit extreme. Let Obi-Wan try to get through to him. If anyone can get him to open the door, mush boy can.
Obi: Awwww, Master. You know my nickname!
Bren: Give it a shot, kid.
Obi: (speaking into the closed door) Master Brazo? It's me, Obi. I need to talk to you about mush. Can you open the door please? It's really important. You're the only one who will understand. Please! No one understands me.
Qui: Actually, Brazo, it's mostly his master who feels that way.
Obi: You're not helping matters, Master.
Qui: But I speak the truth.
Obi: Master Brazo, PLEASE open the door. Master Qui-Gon is insulting me. I need mush. Please?
Bren: Move kid, that's not working. BRAZO! (she pounded on the door again) OPEN THE DOOR! WHY ARE YOU INGORING ME? LET ME IN!
(It was then that a Jedi came strolling around the corner, whistling and humming to himself. Brazo. He saw the small group outside his apartment and stopped before them.)
Brazo: GOOD EVENING!
Bren: What? How? Don't good evening me. I want to talk to you.
Obi: Master Bren, he wasn't in his apartment. You mean this whole time I have been talking to a door? Telling it how much I need mush? Boy do I feel like an idiot.
Qui: Ummm...no comment.
Bren: Good move, Qui. But back to the point. Brazo! Why have you been avoiding me?
Brazo: Who me? I avoid no one. I embrace anyone and everyone...well, except for those two disgusting trolls.
Obi: I hear ya. Did you hear what they do in the hot tub?
Bren: OBI! This is not about trolls or hot tubs. Don't change the subject. I am NOT happy with you, Brazo. You've ignored me for the last two weeks. I want to know why.
Brazo: No reason. We just keep missing each other is all. I'm here now.
(Bren noticed that Brazo was keeping his head turned slightly so that the side of his head was not visible to her.)
Bren: Good. I want...hey what's that?
Brazo: What's what?
Bren: Let me see your ear. What's that shiny silver...BRAZO! You got an earring!
Obi: NO WAY! Let me see!
Brazo: Well, yes. I did. I'm sorry. That's why I've been hiding from you. I didn't know how everyone would react.
Bren: And it's shaped like a little lightsaber.
Obi: Master! It matches your boxers!
Qui: Please don't talk about my underwear in the hallway, Obi-wan.
Brazo: So, what do you think?
Obi: I WANT ONE!
Qui: NO! Don't even start. You'll look like a girl.
Obi: I will not. Does Master Brazo look like a girl?
Qui: No, but he's not five feet tall, scrawny and pale.
Obi: Come on, Master, please?
Qui: NO NO NO! See what you did, Brazo? Contaminated his brain once again.
Obi: Master! Just let me get one.
Qui: You want an earring or mush? You pick it.
Obi: Oh, uh. When you put it like that. Never mind.
Bren: So, why did you decide to get an earring?
Brazo: It's the new fad at the mush pit. I thought I would give it a try. How's it look?
Obi: It looks GOOD! You should try your sexy Brazo walk now.
Brazo: My what?
Qui: Don't listen to him.
Bren: He does this little sexy Obi dance now. Have you see it? Show him, kid.
Qui: NO! Keep your shirt ON! I mean it, Padawan. Do not blind Master Brazo with your ghost-white body.
Obi: Sith. How come you can do it in front of the mirror at home, but I can't try it for Master Brazo?
Brazo: In front of the mirror?
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Obi: Yeah, he does this sexy master routine where he sings and struts around and sings to himself. He claims that he only does it when he's getting ready for a date, but I know otherwise.
Qui: OBI-WAN!
Bren: Awwww, you do that for me, Qui? How adorable. Can I come watch next time?
Qui: NO! I do not dance and sing in front of the mirror in my boxers.
Bren: No one said anything about you being in your boxers, Stretch.
Qui: Oh, um...ah.
Obi: Wow, Master. I didn't know your face could get that red.
Bren: Oh, he's embarrassed, kid. Give him a break.
Brazo: I think I'll just stick to the earring. Besides I don't dance very well.
Obi: Ha. You should see Master Qui-Gon dance. You think you don't dance very well...OW!
(Qui-Gon grabbed the boy's braid and began pulling him down the hall.)
Qui: If you two will excuse me, I have an apprentice to kill.
Obi: OW! Master, let go.
Qui: I am going to find my duct tape and introduce you to it.
Bren: I don't call him Flying Lips Obi for nothing.
Obi: OW! OW! OW!
Brazo: He's a good kid though.
Bren: Sometimes. How about you and I take in a holo this evening?
Brazo: Why don't you call Qui-Gon in about an hour, invite him. Then you can go watch his sexy Qui dance.
Bren: Good thinking, Brazo. Did I ever tell you about the time Qui-Gon lost his towel and was standing in the hall just as pale as could be?
Brazo: Hmm, no you didn't. Do tell.
Bren: Come on, let's grab some coffee and I'll tell you allllllll about it. You don't know half the stories about those two. They get into more trouble by themselves than a herd of trolls in a swamp water factory.
Brazo: I'd better order a BIG cup of coffee then.
Bren: Or maybe even two. Let's go gossip.
Brazo: I do believe you are a bad influence on me.
Bren: I probably am, but I have to many stories, and have to tell someone. So, let's go. We are short on time, but long on stories. I have GOT to tell you about the Tahl/Qui/Yaddle thing.
Brazo: This I have got to hear.
END
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Pre-TPM. Non-Slash. (Obi-Wan is 13) A vengeful Qui-Gon, a torturous Bren, a hiding Brazo and a padawan caught in the middle of it all.
ARCHIVE: Please ask me first.
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.
NOTE: This story has HUGE references to the very end of Jedi Apprentice book # 15, The Death of Hope. And it plays off of Qui-Gon's words on that last page.
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When Good Masters Go Bad
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(Obi-Wan rolled around in his bed, thrashing about as the same nightmare haunted his sleep once again. She was coming for him. For him and all of his padawan friends. Her evil laugh made him cringe as he struggled to stay ahead of her. It would be of no use. The torture would continue.)
Obi: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! (He jolted out of bed and ran around the common area before bursting through his master's bedroom door.) MASTER!!!!!!
(Qui-Gon was not happy to be disturbed from his slumber. He'd been having peaceful dreams of training a 'normal' apprentice to knighthood.)
Qui: Obi-Wan, this better be important. The entire temple can hear you screaming. What's wrong?
Obi: Master Bren...(he said panting)...she...she...she's trying to torture me. Me and all my friends. Garen, Bant, Reeft, Taj and some other dark haired kid. You have to stop her, she's gone mad. And she's after me!
Qui: I don't see anyone after you. All I see is you disturbing my sleep, once again.
Obi: But, Master! This is really freaking me out. Really. She's in my dreams and keeps talking about different ways to torture me. I'm in pain just thinking about it. Who would want to torture me anyway? I'm a normal kid.
Qui: Yes, you keep believing that. Are you shaking?
Obi: YES! This scared the crap outta me! HELLO? Aren't you listening?
Qui: I'm sorry, Padawan. I should be comforting you. Sit here next to me.
Obi: Okay. I need mush and a lot of it.
(The boy sat bedside as Qui-Gon wrapped his arms around him. Immediately, Obi-Wan squirmed away, swatting at his master's hands.)
Obi: NO! Stop! Get off me. What are you doing?
Qui: Uh, hugging you. That's what you want, right? Mush?
Obi: Master, NO! I just want you to tap me on the shoulder. Who taught you how to hug?
Qui: Well, I've been practicing. Here, let me show you.
Obi: GET OFF ME! STOP IT!
Qui: What is wrong with you?
Obi: Me? You're the one who's not acting normally here. Just TAP my shoulder like you always do. HURRY! TAP IT! NOW!
Qui: Okay, okay. Here. Tap. Tap. Tap. Why is your jaw dropping?
Obi: It always does that when you tap me. Ah, that's great, Master. I love you too.
Qui: Yes. Okay. Would you like another tap?
Obi: No, can't over do it. To much tapping makes Obi a dull boy.
Qui: I'm sure it does.
Obi: I can't go back to sleep. Can we get up early and get started on some exercises?
Qui: You actually WANT to workout?
Obi: Yes. Problem?
Qui: No, I suppose not. You're not running a fever or anything, hmmm. Okay. Give me a few minutes.
(Qui-Gon got dressed and wandered into the kitchen, cursing under his breath when he couldn't find any coffee.)
Qui: Sith. I thought I told that boy to get more coffee. OBI-WAN?
Obi: Yes, Master?
Qui: Didn't you get more coffee last week?
Obi: No, Master. I tried, but everyone is out of it. It seems Master Valdez has taken a leave of absence. Something about trying to start a breeding ranch for donkeys.
Qui: Huh?
Obi: My point exactly. Master Bren might have a stash of it, but she's probably trying to figure out how she can torture me with it. Throw it in my eyes or something. I don't know.
Qui: Come on, let's go. I need to do something with my time since I don't have any coffee. Shall we go to the sparring gym?
Obi: YES! An early morning spar! That's my kinda workout.
(As they made their way to the gym, several masters strolled by and nodded their greetings. One of them, Master Arron, accidentally dropped his saber hilt, causing Qui-Gon to trip over it. Arron quickly picked up the saber and helped Qui-Gon to his feet.)
Arron: Qui-Gon, I am so sorry. It slipped out of my hands. Are you all right?
Qui: Don't worry. I will seek revenge on you for that action. There is no help for you.
Arron: What?
Obi: Huh?
Arron: No need for revenge. Just an accident.
Qui: REVENGE!
Obi: Uh, Master? Are you okay? Come on, we'd better go.
(The padawan grabbed Qui-Gon's hand and pulled him away, leaving a small group of extremely confused Jedi behind.)
Qui: Slow down, Obi-Wan. The gym is not going anywhere. We will get there.
Obi: I just wanted to get you away from Master Arron.
Qui: Why?
Obi: You were rambling about revenge. Jedi don't seek revenge. At least that's what you always tell me.
Qui: Oh, that. Just a joke between masters.
Obi: Yes, that's why they looked at you like your head was spinning.
Qui: Do you want to spar or not?
(In the gym, the morning sparring match proceeded well. Obi-Wan even scored a couple touches. Then he took advantage of a huge mistake by his master and pinned him to the floor.)
Obi: HA! Did you see that move, Master? I got you good!
Qui: I shall seek my revenge on you for that. There is no help for you.
Obi: Ummmm...it's only a sparring match.
Qui: REVENGE!
Obi: Riiiiiiight. I think you need to have a visit with Nev. What in the Force is the matter with you?
Qui: What? What did I do?
Obi: The revenge thing again. Master, stop that.
Qui: Obi-Wan, can't you tell when I am joking with you? Lighten up a bit.
Obi: Lighten up? I'm not the one seeking revenge on everyone.
(In the middle of their conversation, Master Bren strolled into the gym.)
Bren: Hey, Stretch! Hey, kid. Anyone seen Brazo?
Obi: Stay away from me, you sicko. GET BACK!
Bren: Easy there, Trigger. Problem?
Obi: Don't tell me you don't know what I am talking about. Does a needle in the neck mean anything? How about being chained to the wall and having hot coal thrown at you? Or dying of some horrible disease. Or...or leaving me to starve to death in the heat of the desert. Being eaten by a dragon, or trampled by a herd of trolls. Having to watch my master do his sexy Qui routine in the mirror in his curlers and boxer shorts. Being seen in Master Windu's passion purple speeder. Watching the wedding of the trolls over and over and over and over and over and over.
Bren: Time out! Is there something going on that I should know about? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Obi: Yes, act like you don't know. Then when they come to look for you, you can cover your tracks well.
Bren: Okay, Qui, what's wrong with him now?
Qui: If you torture my padawan, I will seek revenge on you. REVENGE! There will be no help for you.
Bren: Uh huh. Why would I torture the kid?
Qui: Just remember, REVENGE.
Bren: Right. Okay. Anyway, back to reality now. Have you seen Brazo? He's been ignoring me for over a week now.
Qui: I have not seen him. However, should he continue to ignore you, I will seek revenge on him. REVENGE.
Bren: Um, no. I don't want revenge; just want to talk to him is all. Sooo, you haven't seen him?
Obi: You probably tortured him with some annoying high-pitched noise that deafens him and renders him senseless.
Bren: No, not recently. I take it neither one of you has seen him then?
Qui: Not me.
Obi: Me either. You can go away now. Go on.
Bren: Sure. I'll talk to you guys later, I think.
(A confused Bren left the gym. Obi-Wan turned to his master.)
Obi: Master, you need to stop with the revenge thing. It's getting out of hand. Okay, if it was a joke, it was funny. Ha ha ha. There, I laughed. All done now. Not funny anymore.
Qui: You and Bren are very out of sorts today. What time is it? We are due to meet with the Chancellor at the ten hour.
Obi: I get to meet him finally?
Qui: Yes, Finis.
Obi: What? We're finished here?
Qui: No, not yet.
Obi: They why did you say we were?
Qui: I didn't.
Obi: You said, finis.
Qui: I know.
Obi: Welllllll, that usually means, finished. Completed. Done. Over. History. Move along. Nothing to see here.
Qui: FINIS is the Chancellor's first name, oh brilliant one.
Obi: Oh. My bad. Why didn't you just say that then?
Qui: Enough.
Obi: Chancellor Finis?
Qui: Actually, Chancellor Valorum is his name.
Obi: But you just said his name was Finis.
Qui: It is.
Obi: He has two names?
Qui: I am so tempted to WHACK you right now. YES he has two names. A first and last. You know, like Obi-Wan Kenobi? His name is Finis Valorum.
Obi: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh. Okay. I got it. That's kinda cool. His last name is the same as that drug that helps you to sleep. You take it when you've had enough of me for one day.
Qui: Obi-Wan! That is VALIUM. NOT Valorum. His name is not Chancellor Valium.
Obi: Oh, sorry. It sounds similar. He could be Chancellor Finished Valium.
Qui: Just stop, please. If you want to meet him, you have to behave. You think you can manage that for at least a short time?
Obi: Yes.
Qui: Don't lie, Padawan. Just say no you can't so I don't get my hopes up.
Obi: Okay. I don't think I can behave, but I'll try my best.
Qui: Fair enough. Let's go shower and change. You have to look presentable before the Chancellor.
Obi: We don't have to wear those kilts again do we?
Qui: No. Just a clean tunic will be sufficient.
Obi: Um.
Qui: Dig around on the floor of your room, there has got to be something clean down there.
Obi: Okay, I'll see what I can find.
(On the way back to their apartment, they spotted Master Yareal Poof at the end of the hall, coming in their direction.)
Obi: Master, look. Poofy. He looks even weirder from far away.
Qui: Yes. He's mocking me from the end of the corridor. Look how his head goes baaaaaaaaaack and forrrrrrrrrrth. Baaaaaaaaaaaack and forrrrrrrrth. Baaaaaaaaack and...
Obi: MASTER!
Qui: HUH? What?
Obi: Stop that. You were mocking yourself.
Qui: Oh. Okay, quiet. Here he comes.
Poof: BOO!
Qui: Stop mocking me you fool.
Obi: Wow, he is one freaky guy!
Poof: BOO!
Qui: Don't worry my long-necked, helium head friend. Revenge will soon come for you. REVENGE!
Poof: BOO!
Qui: REVENGE!
Poof: BOO!
Qui: REVENGE!
Poof: BOO!
Qui: REVENGE!
Poof: BOO!
Obi: Okay, okay. We get the point. Mr. Poof probably has work to do, let him go, Master. You can seek your revenge later.
Qui: There is no help for you.
Poof: BOO!
Obi: Glad to see we are all being adults here. Come on, Master. Leave Mr. Poof alone now. Let's go.
(Again, the student had to drag Qui-Gon away from a fellow Jedi. He didn't release his hand until they were home.)
Qui: Go get cleaned up, Padawan. Be ready to go in twenty minutes.
(Twenty minutes later, Obi-Wan came out in a stained tunic.)
Obi: It's the cleanest I could find, Master. You were supposed to do laundry this week.
Qui: Yes, but you have actually put your soiled clothes into the laundry chute. I am not even trying to search through that room looking for what is dirty and what is not.
Obi: Oh, okay. That's how it works.
Qui: What's that stain?
Obi: Coffee.
Qui: OBI-WAN! You've been drinking my coffee, haven't you? No wonder I don't have any left.
Obi: I had a cup of it. Okay, several cups of it, every day...since...last...month. Whoops.
Qui: Whoops is right. I will have my revenge on you for this.
Obi: That's it! That's why you are so cranky today. No coffee. Master, are you addicted?
Qui: NO! There is no help for you now. REVENGE!
Obi: Would you cut that out! There is no aggression, there is coffee. The council never taught me that part of the mantra. If you had had coffee this morning, you wouldn't be threatening everyone with revenge today. You are sad, Master. So very sad.
Qui: I am aren't I? There is no help for me?
Obi: Nev can help, but later. It's almost the ten-hour.
Qui: Ah yes. Come along, Obi-Wan.
(They had to walk for a bit to get to the docking bay where the Chancellor's ship would be landing. The entire way there, Obi-Wan quizzed himself on the man's name.)
Obi: Valorum. Valorum. Val-or-um. Got it. Not Valium. Val-or-um. Valor-um. Valor. Vaaalor. Valorum. I got this.
Qui: You sure?
Obi: Yup! Do you think Chancellor Valium knows me...DAMN!
Qui: Watch your mouth. Valorum. Please do not call him Valium.
Obi: I am trying not to. I had it for a minute there.
Qui: There is no try.
Obi: Oh, yes there is. I bet Chancellor Valium...lorum...knows about try. SITH! Val-or-um. Val-or-um. Think Kenobi, think.
Qui: Just don't hurt yourself.
Obi: Funny! Thank you. Chancellor Valiu...ah...Valorum. Chancellor Valorum. Okay. I think I got it this time. Chancellor Valorum. I'm ready, Master.
Qui: Good. Right in here. Look, his ship is just landing. This is a great honor, Padawan. Usually, only older apprentices get to greet the Chancellor during his return to Coruscant.
(The tall gray-haired man was escorted by his guards off the ship. He stopped to shake the hands of several officials who were there to greet him. Then he approached Jinn and Kenobi.)
Valorum: Master Jinn, good to see you again. This is your new apprentice?
Qui: Yes, Chancellor. This is my padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Valorum: It's a pleasure to meet you Padawan Kenobi.
Obi: Thank you Chancellor Valium...uh...ah...Valinum...Valoruian. Oh Force. Vallor. Val....
Qui: Valorum, Padawan. Excuse my apprentice, he's a bit nervous.
Valorum: That's all right. Not the first time I've been called Chancellor Valium.
Obi: I could use one of those right about now.
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Obi: I'm sorry, Master. Chancellor Valor...um. Please forgive me.
Valorum: No apologies needed, young Kenobi. Now, gentlemen if you will excuse me, I must keep my schedule.
Qui: Of course.
Obi: Okay, now that I made a fool of myself, can we go home?
Qui: You are so sad. All that practicing his name and you still screwed it up. Well done, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Can I help it if the man is named after a sleeping pill?
Qui: Come on, I need to find something for you to do while I go find Bren.
Obi: Why? Adult mush? Better watch that towel this time. I'm sure she likes to look at you, but I could do without a naked master running around our apartment.
Qui: Stop! That was an accident, and you didn't help matters either. Not even getting your butt up off the couch to help me.
(Just then, Brazo came wandering into the hall where the pair was walking.)
Brazo: QUI-GON! OBI! GOOD MORNING! How are you both? Hug me!
Obi: Woohoo!
Qui: Hey! Get off me Brazo. Get away. ENOUGH! NO HUGS! I will seek revenge on you for what you have done. You have my word on that. There is no help for you.
Obi: Oh no, not again.
Brazo: Have I done something wrong? Qui-Gon! What's the problem? Revenge?
Obi: Just ignore him, he's having a mental crisis day.
Qui: REVENGE! I will not stop until I get REVENGE.
Brazo: Someone didn't take his Valium last night did he?
Obi: Please don't mention that word. Have you seen Master Bren? She's been looking for you.
Brazo: Ah, no. Lalalala. I don't hear you. Bye. Lalalala.
Obi: Has everyone lost their minds around here except for me? Master Brazo, come back.
Brazo: Lalalalala.
Qui: Let him go. He and Bren can work out their own problems.
Obi: You don't want to seek revenge on them then?
Qui: It is a joke, Padawan. Can't you get that through your head? I'm just messing with him.
Obi: Yeah, okay. Sure. Uh, Master can we go see Nev? I think I missed my session with him yesterday. I should see him now. Please?
Qui: Well, okay. Wait. I thought you didn't like those sessions.
Obi: Uh, um. They are helping me though, really. Honest. Come on, come with me.
Qui: Okay, but what if he won't see you?
Obi: Then maybe he'll have time for you...I mean, then maybe I can see him later.
(Obi-Wan stood outside Nev's office door. He rang the chime several times before Nev answered.)
Obi: Finally! You're getting slow, Mr. Nev. What's with the new sign here. It says Nev Daloon, Mind Healer. I thought you were just a Shrink.
Nev: That's what a mind healer is, Obi-Wan. You just prefer call me a Shrink in front of all my peers.
Obi: Well, they all know me anyway. And it's not like anyone around here takes me seriously.
Qui: Obi-Wan says he missed an appointment yesterday.
Nev: No, you weren't scheduled for any sessions recently. What did you need to see me for?
Qui: Padawan, you lied to me? That's it. There is no help for you. Only REVENGE!
Obi: That. He's lost it. Been doing this revenge routine all day long. Anyone who comes near him, he does this. Then he acts like it's a joke.
Qui: It is, Obi-Wan, I've told you how many times now? Come on, let's get out of here.
Obi: NO! Mr. Nev, please! He's really starting to annoy me. Not to mention he's embarrassing me in front of every Jedi within fifty feet of us. Talk to him or something.
Nev: Qui-Gon, why don't you have a seat over here on the couch.
Obi: Go ahead, Master. It's a comfy couch. I've been on it enough to know.
Qui: Are you two crazy? Can no one handle a joke anymore? Sheesh. Obi-Wan, let's go home now. Come.
Obi: But...I want to help you, Master.
Qui: There is no help for me. Only revenge. (He grabbed his apprentice by the arm and pulled him out the door.)
Obi: Nev! HELP ME!
Nev: Oh, you'll be fine. Must be his time of the month or something is all.
Obi: WHAT?
Nev: Talk to you next session, Obi-Wan.
Obi: Hey! OW! Master, that hurts! Where are we going?
Qui: To find Bren.
Obi: Again?
Qui: Yes. I need to talk to her. NOW!
Obi: Okay, why?
Qui: I need to talk to her about Tahl.
Obi: Oh not again. Are you sure you should do that?
Qui: Yes. There she is. BREN!
Bren: Oh, hey boys. Things back to normal again?
Obi: No, he'll be dead soon, I can feel it.
Bren: Dead?
Obi: Yes, you are gonna kill him.
Bren: I am. He's been two-timing me again, hasn't he?
Obi: No comment.
Qui: Quiet, Obi-Wan.
Bren: Tahl?
Qui: Yes.
Bren: WHACK!
Qui: OW!
Obi: Now you know how I feel.
Bren: You had a fling with her, didn't you?
Obi: Please, may I ask that you refrain from adult mush talk while I am within earshot.
Qui: I wouldn't call it a fling.
Bren: Oh no? What would you call it? First it was Yaddle, now Tahl.
Qui: Hey, that whole Yaddle relationship was strictly non-physical.
Obi: Oh Sith. I really don't need to hear this.
Bren: Oh yeah? Then how to you explain those mystery boxer shorts? They came from her.
Qui: How to you know?
Bren: They have little troll heads on them, Einstein.
Obi: Ewwwwww, Master!
Qui: Okay I accepted a gift from her. That was it. I swear I didn't touch her.
Obi: Bad image. Very bad image.
Bren: And how about Tahl? Did you touch her?
Qui: Well....
Bren: WHACK!
Qui: OW! It's over between us now. I mean it.
Obi: Um, Master? She's dead. I certainly hope it's over. Unless Yoda told you his secret.
Qui: Shut up, Obi-Wan. You are NOT helping matters.
Bren: So, now that she's gone and Yaddle is finally with someone of her own species, you decide that you can spend time with me? I see where I stand in your life.
Qui: I can explain, honest.
Bren: I am sure you can.
Obi: HEY! This is where all this revenge stuff is coming from. Remember, Master? When Tahl died, you had that 'Revenge, there is no help for me' episode. This is why you're acting so stupid today.
Qui: Excuse me?
Obi: You're torn between your memories, her death and your uh, relationship problems with women. And it's all hitting at once. Hence the whole revenge deal today. I thought it was your lack of coffee, but that just pushed it along.
Qui: Hmmm, I hadn't thought of that.
Obi: No, because you were after revenge. No time to think. Love and revenge do funny things to one's brain.
Bren: So does two-timing.
Qui: I think things are going to be okay now. Obi-Wan is right. A fact, which in itself is beyond belief. Bren, I want to start over. Just me and you. No Yaddle. No Tahl.
Obi: Master, remember. Tahl is dead. You must only date live women.
Qui: Right! Good advice. Thank you, Obi-Wan.
Bren: Sad. You really are sad. More so than your apprentice. You both deserve each other.
Qui: Take me back. Please?
Bren: On one condition. If I ever see or hear of you seeing another woman, I will catch you, crush you into tiny bits, and blast you into oblivion.
Obi: Wow that sounds familiar...and painful.
Bren: We have a deal?
Qui: Well, about the crushing into tiny bits part, can't you just not talk to me ever again?
Bren: I could, but that wouldn't teach you anything. You'd just find someone else to cuddle with. So?
Qui: Okay. Deal. No more two-timing.
Bren: And?
Qui: No more revenge.
Bren: Good boy. Now, Obi. You mentioned something before that I was trying to torture you?
Obi: Yes, in my dreams. You were thinking of ways to torture me and my friends. You even bought a book about the subject. Why do you want to hurt me, Master Bren? I'm not a bad person, just a little mouthy is all. Is that so wrong?
Bren: I honestly don't know why you've been dreaming such things. I think...oh wait a minute. I know. I've been doing a lot of writing lately. Stories about the Jedi. Fiction, of course. And I did recently think about writing a story about torture. Well, I have tortured Jedi in the past. I love that topic, what can I say. I love to torture Jedi. That's where you got that idea from.
Obi: Uh, but you hadn't told me about it until now. How would I know what you are writing or thinking.
Bren: True. You been in my head again, kid?
Obi: Ewww. No.
Qui: Let's just say the Force works in mysterious ways and leave it at that.
Obi: Master, that's a cop out.
Bren: Really, Qui. Obi, somehow you heard my thoughts about that and it's been haunting you. I would never hurt you or your friends. Don't worry.
Obi: That's a relief. Can I read some of what you've written?
Bren: Sure, but I'd better warn you, I was pretty hard on a certain Jedi Master. I really put him through the ringer several times.
Obi: As long as my own physical being is going to remain in tact, you can torture any Jedi you wish.
Bren: Okay, good, hit me later for that. Now that we have that problem worked out, there is still the Brazo issue I am having. He's still ignoring me.
Obi: We saw him today. Master Qui-Gon threatened him with revenge too. I told him that you were looking for him and he walked away saying lalalalala.
Bren: That worm. Come on boys, let's get him!
Qui: Revenge?
Bren: No more revenge, Qui. We've been through that already. Let's go!
(They paraded to Brazo's apartment. Bren pounded on the door with both fists.)
Bren: Brazo, open this door! I know you are in there. OPEN UP!
(After a few minutes when there was no answer, Bren turned to the other Jedi beside her.)
Obi: Maybe he's not there.
Bren: He is. I need to pick the lock.
Qui: Now Bren, that's a bit extreme. Let Obi-Wan try to get through to him. If anyone can get him to open the door, mush boy can.
Obi: Awwww, Master. You know my nickname!
Bren: Give it a shot, kid.
Obi: (speaking into the closed door) Master Brazo? It's me, Obi. I need to talk to you about mush. Can you open the door please? It's really important. You're the only one who will understand. Please! No one understands me.
Qui: Actually, Brazo, it's mostly his master who feels that way.
Obi: You're not helping matters, Master.
Qui: But I speak the truth.
Obi: Master Brazo, PLEASE open the door. Master Qui-Gon is insulting me. I need mush. Please?
Bren: Move kid, that's not working. BRAZO! (she pounded on the door again) OPEN THE DOOR! WHY ARE YOU INGORING ME? LET ME IN!
(It was then that a Jedi came strolling around the corner, whistling and humming to himself. Brazo. He saw the small group outside his apartment and stopped before them.)
Brazo: GOOD EVENING!
Bren: What? How? Don't good evening me. I want to talk to you.
Obi: Master Bren, he wasn't in his apartment. You mean this whole time I have been talking to a door? Telling it how much I need mush? Boy do I feel like an idiot.
Qui: Ummm...no comment.
Bren: Good move, Qui. But back to the point. Brazo! Why have you been avoiding me?
Brazo: Who me? I avoid no one. I embrace anyone and everyone...well, except for those two disgusting trolls.
Obi: I hear ya. Did you hear what they do in the hot tub?
Bren: OBI! This is not about trolls or hot tubs. Don't change the subject. I am NOT happy with you, Brazo. You've ignored me for the last two weeks. I want to know why.
Brazo: No reason. We just keep missing each other is all. I'm here now.
(Bren noticed that Brazo was keeping his head turned slightly so that the side of his head was not visible to her.)
Bren: Good. I want...hey what's that?
Brazo: What's what?
Bren: Let me see your ear. What's that shiny silver...BRAZO! You got an earring!
Obi: NO WAY! Let me see!
Brazo: Well, yes. I did. I'm sorry. That's why I've been hiding from you. I didn't know how everyone would react.
Bren: And it's shaped like a little lightsaber.
Obi: Master! It matches your boxers!
Qui: Please don't talk about my underwear in the hallway, Obi-wan.
Brazo: So, what do you think?
Obi: I WANT ONE!
Qui: NO! Don't even start. You'll look like a girl.
Obi: I will not. Does Master Brazo look like a girl?
Qui: No, but he's not five feet tall, scrawny and pale.
Obi: Come on, Master, please?
Qui: NO NO NO! See what you did, Brazo? Contaminated his brain once again.
Obi: Master! Just let me get one.
Qui: You want an earring or mush? You pick it.
Obi: Oh, uh. When you put it like that. Never mind.
Bren: So, why did you decide to get an earring?
Brazo: It's the new fad at the mush pit. I thought I would give it a try. How's it look?
Obi: It looks GOOD! You should try your sexy Brazo walk now.
Brazo: My what?
Qui: Don't listen to him.
Bren: He does this little sexy Obi dance now. Have you see it? Show him, kid.
Qui: NO! Keep your shirt ON! I mean it, Padawan. Do not blind Master Brazo with your ghost-white body.
Obi: Sith. How come you can do it in front of the mirror at home, but I can't try it for Master Brazo?
Brazo: In front of the mirror?
Qui: Obi-Wan!
Obi: Yeah, he does this sexy master routine where he sings and struts around and sings to himself. He claims that he only does it when he's getting ready for a date, but I know otherwise.
Qui: OBI-WAN!
Bren: Awwww, you do that for me, Qui? How adorable. Can I come watch next time?
Qui: NO! I do not dance and sing in front of the mirror in my boxers.
Bren: No one said anything about you being in your boxers, Stretch.
Qui: Oh, um...ah.
Obi: Wow, Master. I didn't know your face could get that red.
Bren: Oh, he's embarrassed, kid. Give him a break.
Brazo: I think I'll just stick to the earring. Besides I don't dance very well.
Obi: Ha. You should see Master Qui-Gon dance. You think you don't dance very well...OW!
(Qui-Gon grabbed the boy's braid and began pulling him down the hall.)
Qui: If you two will excuse me, I have an apprentice to kill.
Obi: OW! Master, let go.
Qui: I am going to find my duct tape and introduce you to it.
Bren: I don't call him Flying Lips Obi for nothing.
Obi: OW! OW! OW!
Brazo: He's a good kid though.
Bren: Sometimes. How about you and I take in a holo this evening?
Brazo: Why don't you call Qui-Gon in about an hour, invite him. Then you can go watch his sexy Qui dance.
Bren: Good thinking, Brazo. Did I ever tell you about the time Qui-Gon lost his towel and was standing in the hall just as pale as could be?
Brazo: Hmm, no you didn't. Do tell.
Bren: Come on, let's grab some coffee and I'll tell you allllllll about it. You don't know half the stories about those two. They get into more trouble by themselves than a herd of trolls in a swamp water factory.
Brazo: I'd better order a BIG cup of coffee then.
Bren: Or maybe even two. Let's go gossip.
Brazo: I do believe you are a bad influence on me.
Bren: I probably am, but I have to many stories, and have to tell someone. So, let's go. We are short on time, but long on stories. I have GOT to tell you about the Tahl/Qui/Yaddle thing.
Brazo: This I have got to hear.
END