Don't Go Home
Hisagi Shuuhei - Implied KenShuu
It is too late, thinks Shuuhei in regards to his entire life. It is too late to go back (or to go forward much for that matter) and the more he thinks about it, time is only a small factor in his over occupied debacle; he is also too late. To claim what he wants, to run away from that same thing. He thinks about what Nanao-san has said, hindsight is 20/20, and decides that he would never want to take the chance, going back, anyway. Shuuhei's life has always been fairly complicated because constant fear creates a constant obstacle, an ocean of self-loathing and a desire to be dead but also to live and to know that neither are feasible when he exists so soundly between the two. His mind is an inkpot spilt over 200 years of history. He thinks about kissing his captain soundly on the older man's mouth. He thinks about his slaughtered comrades. He thinks about how badly Kazeshini wants to kill him, how he can always hear the spirit screaming in the back of his head. Nasty, terrible, sickening things. He thinks about war and about alcohol and about how he never wanted any of this. At night he dreams of killing his friends, Izuru and Momo, and wakes quietly, staring at the ceiling, convincing himself that these are not things he wants, not at all, but it is still and nothing has changed and nothing is entirely the same so he rolls over, goes back to bed and dreams no more.
"Kid," says his captain, jostling his shoulder. He has fallen asleep at his desk again. His desk is an inkpot spilt over 20 hours of division work. Shuuhei hasn't the energy to be upset about this, though the dissatisfaction in his captain's eyes makes him want to die. He wishes they were something more, he wishes he would never have to see the man again, he wishes his captain could cure him of all the turmoil (black sludge he thinks, gray smog, red on walls, on the ground, on his hands, in his eyes. Why isn't there color?) but knows it is selfish to believe a person can fix him, knows it's selfish to even ask, too.
"I'll redo the division work," says Shuuhei. Kensei grunts.
"Don't," he says, "just take the day. Shit, go on a walk."
"Captain-" Shuuhei is about the make a protest but Kensei has stopped him with a look and Shuuhei can feel his mortification breech just below his skin. "Yes, captain," he remedies and stacks the ruined papers, puts the cork back on his inkpot, Kensei has gone to his desk but even with his hand positioned just so to write whatever need be written on his papers, even with his head titled down, his eyes are watching the younger man. Shuuhei has opened the door, about to leave when Kensei glances up just a moment more.
"Don't go home, kid," he says sternly, "I know what being alone with your head does to you."
Shuuhei nods, numbly he slides the door shut.
I was in a writing mood and I'm also not feeling so hot, mentally, so I put Hisagi through some hell because I like to see my faves in pain. I hope you enjoy! Also, happy St. Patrick's Day, be safe kids! Might pick this up later and make it into something. Who knows. I'm very unreliable with multi-chapter stories.