So I'm someone who has been a Glee fan for a while and I decided, after reading an amazing piece of writing entitled Beautiful When You Don't Try, that I would try my hand at a Glee fanfic involving Quinn and Rachel. I really love the writing, the tone, the storyline, the character development, the pace, and pretty much everything about Beautiful When You Don't Try and would recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it yet!^^ Well without further ado here is chapter one! The start of this is the episode with drunken madness at Rachel's house but with my own original twist to the events and this is an AU of sorts. Please enjoy!^^ Be forewarned that there is a lot of angst and that there will be much drama over Quinn's internal conflict!

Chapter 1

Drunken Mistake?

I don't what could have possibly possessed me to go over to Rachel Berry's house that night or what compelled me to do what I did. It may have been the fact that everybody from Glee Club was going or that Sam, Brittany, and Santana were … I still don't know for sure. Sam wasn't technically in Glee Club yet but he was a potential member and Blaine was competition but also a friend so not just Glee Club I guess. Anyways what I did know for certain was that despite how I had always treated Rachel … I never truly hated her. I actually liked her, she wasn't always annoying. In fact recently I'd been taking notice of her; I'd notice how my eyes seemed to follow her whenever she entered any room I happened to be in. I would only notice her and follow her with my eyes.

Things weren't always like this … I used to genuinely dislike her so greatly it bordered on hatred. Recently though things had been very different in my mind, internally, my outward appearance still seemed the same regarding her but it was anything but that.

The things that happened at the party were events that profoundly shook the very ground my faith once stood proudly on. I'd learned from a young age that religion and faith are everything. But now I was questioning everythingabout it. That fateful night we got drunk at her house and played spin the bottle, at least it started off that way until someone decided that three second pecks were unacceptable, namely Puck.

I decided to join at the last minute myself, unsure of myself and of everything that could happen in the one minute I was to kiss someone. What happened next changed me, made me realize what I had been denying for so long. Not so much denying and more refusing to accept as fact and believing and disguising it as something else, refusing to see the truth in front of me all along.

And so the game started off with Finn who ended up kissing Santana, which made Rachel insanely jealous since they were a couple now. Next up was Kurt who got what he had been wishing for forever, a kiss with Blaine. The next pair was definitely interesting for sure: Puck and Sam, Puck must be regretting his one minute and tongue rule now. They kissed with straight faces but there was an obvious tension between both of them, well Sam more than Puck. Puck was, interestingly enough, rather forceful and aggressive in his kiss and he seemed to be experimenting technique and the difference between guys and girls. We all stared at him when he pulled away.

"What? I'll do anyone as long as they're pretty enough. You have a fine ass and mouth by the way Sam." He winked so we were all left wondering how serious he was. Sam, for his part, predictably flushed red in the face with embarrassment. He never further elaborated so we were left with our speculation of the wonder that was Puck. He was predictable in some ways and surprising in others which more often than not left me unsettled because I liked being able to read people easily. I'd had enough practice molding a mask that no one could ever hope to break through over years of living in the environment I did, in the nurture of my 'thou shall not sin' family of condemnation.

Next up was Brittany and Santana, best friends so they didn't seem to care all that much, in fact it seemed like that had kissed each other before but I couldn't be sure. They seemed too familiar with each other to not have kissed prior to this … and the way they seemed to just click instantly just proved it. I could feel my heart palpitating so hard I could hear it throbbing in my ears and feel it pounding wildly in my chest. The next person up was Rachel Berry, the girl I had tortured for freshman and sophomore year was up, and I felt myself grow anxious in anticipation. I knew I couldn't deny it anymore, not for another second could I refute my undeniable crush and attraction to the girl sitting across from me.

It was her turn to spin and I felt my own breath hitch as I watched her hand reach for the beer bottle. It felt like an eternity before she finally spun the bottle. Her spin was strong and seemed to spin around in a never ending loop before it stopped in between two people; our circle was quite loose for spin the bottle. Puck, of course, directed us to move in closer to fill in any gaps from earlier. And so she had to spin again to be fair and I could feel the tension in the room.

Around and around it kept going until it finally stopped on Blaine and I felt crushed yet again that it wasn't me. I still had my turn yet to try and make it happen. I would get this kiss, just this one no matter what … I would allow myself this one kiss with her and then it would be as if these feelings never existed. At the very least I would pretend I felt nothing for her and that would be it. I would no longer antagonize her nor would I do anything to purposefully hurt her ever again. I would allow myself this tiny bittersweet mercy.

Lost in my thoughts I didn't realize that someone had spun it and it landed on me. Sam was moving toward me hesitantly, almost as if he truly thought I was going to bite his head off. I sighed and leaned forward only slightly and waited patiently for him to finish. At one point I might have been happy that he was kissing me but now it just made me feel so disgusted that I even liked him at all, no matter how brief. He was a good guy … I just couldn't see the attraction anymore.

I almost sighed in relief when he moved away from me. Now it was my turn to spin the bottle. I gave the bottle a weak spin in the hopes that it would land on who I was aiming for, Rachel Berry. To my internal joy it landed on my intended target. This was it, the moment of truth and I could feel my palpable nerves jumping out at me. I noticed nothing else but her, all of my nerves and senses were concentrated on the tan beauty before me. I moved until I was leaning on my hands, body pointed toward her, ready. I stayed in that position, waiting for her to make the last move to me. She understood my intentions after a few silent seconds of me becoming stagnant. She looked at me with curious and slightly nervous eyes, as if trying to read me and my intentions as well.

All thoughts in my mind were silenced the moment our lips met and I felt electric sparks fly throughout my body from her simply pressing her lips against my own. After just a moment she almost made a motion to pull away but was stopped by none other than Puckerman and he also mentioned the tongue rule. She kept on with only a slight cringe I could feel through our connection. The feeling of her soft, plump, moist lips could not beat her delicious tongue or the way it felt running across my lips to gain entrance. I was on cloud nine feeling her tongue rub against mine in a wet dance.

The moment it ended I felt myself grow disappointed in the distance that grew between us in order for me to get back to my seat across from her. Needless to say that was the best kiss I'd ever had in my life, one I would remember for the rest of my ephemeral life. I got the kiss I wanted and I would never ask for more. She had tried to pull away just moments after it started and that tiny action spoke volumes, the unspoken disgust was there no matter how minute or subtle she tried to make it. I felt her slight cringe at Puck telling us we had to continue with tongue. It hurt … it stung, it broke me like nothing else in the world and I hated her for it. I hated her for making me feel so much for her … for making me like her for her kindness and aching ability to forgive only to have her break me like this, without ever knowing it.

I couldn't remember anything that happened next because I was still stuck on the cloud she put me on so wonderfully but at the same time I was breaking inside. Rachel Berry definitely knew how to kiss very well, her tongue especially could tango with me again anytime. I looked at her as subtly as I could, which really wasn't a problem since she was sitting directly across from me, wrapped up in Finn's entirely too long arms and large frame. I'd never thought for a single moment that she could look so attractive, so appealing to me. She was heartbreakingly beautiful and I felt more crushed in that moment, more defeated, than I ever had in my life.

I wanted to cry, to just break down and weep at the bittersweet feelings welling up inside me. I knew she was afraid of, no I know she is afraid of me if that cringe is anything to go by. There was no doubt about it in my mind. I sat mulling those thoughts over in my mind for a few moments before I excused myself from the group and before I even knew what I was doing I was long gone … I was alone off the side of a road somewhere. This chance discovery of her soft lips had me falling and robbed me of any dreams I had of her ever feeling anything positive towards me. For both of us this was no drunken mistake … only a game of spin the bottle.

I broke down in the silence and peace of my car, very alone. I allowed myself to weep tears that I had no way of holding at bay now that I was in this empty car void of any company. I wept tears of anguish and sorrow over knowing that she would never, ever feel the same way toward me. How could she though? After I had made it my mission to make her miserable and alone the last year I knew she would never be able to forgive me … or at the very least believe me, trust me. This caused even stronger emotions to roll over me, roll through me. Maybe it was the alcohol running through my system but I could not stop weeping the pitiful tears that seemed to be never ending like the painful ache in my chest.

A few seconds into my weeping I found myself wheezing terribly from an asthma attack and I dug wildly into my purse. I finally pulled out my inhaler and shook it twice before I yanked the cap off hastily and took a puff of the medication. The first puff wasn't enough so I took another and I finally felt myself breathing regularly again and my mild panic subsided. I sat and cried for a while longer before I decided that it was late and I should be heading home instead of crying alone in my car.

When I finally came home, somehow and miraculously unscathed, I went straight to my room and wept in my bed until morning. I needed my inhaler a few times from crying too hard and becoming too emotional. For now I could just blame my tears and red eyes on being drunk and say that everything that happened at her house was just a drunken mistake but I knew that it wouldn't hold true for long in my mind. Even in this haze I put myself in, the danger I allowed myself to be pressured into, could not stop the constant barrage of thoughts that caused me restlessness. I knew that this Saturday was going to be a very long day full of racing thoughts and despair and that I would be bone tired by the time I finally managed to sleep.

So this story is going to be full of angst but I promise it will get better eventually. I hope to get some reviews about the thoughts running through anyone who is reading this!^^

姫宮光る