i do not feel a thing
Please note: This story was inspired by a picture I was playing with on a very cool program on my new computer. It really adds to the mood if you read it after viewing the picture, and in the font that it was written in . . . what I'm trying to say is, I suggest you read it here. But I guess you don't have to, if you really don't want to . . .

Disclaimer: These characters are a part of Star Trek: Voyager and they belong to Paramount/Viacom. However, the plot is my own. I'm not making any money off this, so I can't see why you'd want to sue.
For the record, I'd just like to say that C/7 makes me physically ill. I cry everytime I see those scenes from Endgame (I had no problem with Human Error, since Chak was only a hologram and I could understand why poor Seven did it. But then to take him in real life? OHHH no...that's just NOT COOL, SEVEN!! And to Brannon Braga...not a nice move, Mister. I do not appreciate that....

PS: I've never published anything of mine that can be characterized as "angst" before. Please tell me how you thought I did. And please read it 'til the end. Thank you :-)





i do not feel a thing





I feel as if I am being warped and twisted, wrenched and distorted into the form of a "woman" who isn't me . . . there is air all around me but I cannot breathe it . . . everyday I see faces smiling, hands waving to people across the room . . . to them the distance between two people's quarters is insignificant, but to me it is a chasm I cannot cross . . . I have not forgotten you, Chakotay, I have simply pushed you to a place where I cannot reach, and there is no strength in me to jump . . .

But I still expected you to wait . . . you promised you would. You said you would always be there, be there to make my burden lighter . . .

I saw you kiss Seven today . . . my legs almost gave way when I saw my angry warrior molded to a woman who I had practically raised . . . I stumbled blindly from the room, and everything after that is a blur . . . did you think of me, I wonder?

When I kissed Kashyk, I pretended it was your lips that I felt under mine. When they told me Michael was calling my name from the branches of a tree, I imagined that that was you too . . .

And now I lie here, silent and alone, curled up on a bed that seems much to big. I will not leave my quarters now except to occasionally visit the bridge. It is too dangerous . . . what if I see you?

No one can look at me anymore . . . no one smiles . . . perhaps they are afraid of what I have become . . . I myself should be afraid of what I have become, except that I have pushed all emotion to a place outside of my body . . .

The Doctor tells me that you and Seven have gotten married today . . . he's the only one still brave enough to venture inside my darkened quarters . . . "Would you like to talk about it?" he asks gently, and he reaches for my hand . . . my eyes tell me he's made contact with my skin, but I do not feel his touch . . . I stare blankly at him - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

*pause*

I don't feel a thing . . .

Sometime later, I look up and realize he has gone . . . I am not lonely though . . .

I do not feel a thing.

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~ Jaclyn

Feedback, especially on this piece, is much appreciated.

Some of my other fics (not to mention a whole lot more) can be found at Jaclyn's Voyager Page.