Description: Part One of Four. Takes place during the ending of 'Hard Luck Woman.' Lyrics for each character are given. Probably the first story I've posted all at once.
Disclaimer: Cowboy Bebop and all of its characters belong to Sunrise, Inc. and Bandai Visual. All lyrics belong to the songwriters and artists.
"Maybe life is like a ride on a freeway... Dodging bullets while you're trying to find your way... Everyone's around, but no one does a damn thing... It brings me down, but I won't let them... If I seem bleak... Well you'd be correct... And if I don't speak... It's cause I can't disconnect... But I won't be burned by the reflection... Of the fire in your eyes... As you're staring at the sun... When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway... When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away... There's more to living than only surviving... Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying... Though you hear me... I don't think that you relate... My will is something... That you can't confiscate... So forgive me, but I won't be frustrated... By destruction in your eyes... As you're staring at the sun..." ( Offspring: "Staring At The Sun" )
Hard Luck Woman - Faye: Lines in The Dirt
Was this...home?
Or was I calling it home for the sake of having one?
There wasn't really anything left there; just lines in dirt I made into a room and called my own, my laying on my back in the same dirt, staring at the glaring ball of hatred in the sky, and a vast wasteland that used to mean something to me. But now, I was here because...because of a mistake in judgement I made. I believed I would find happiness in the ruins I now lie in, waiting for the vultures to pick my eyes out and use my hair for a nest.
They're gone by now; all of the Bebop crew. I didn't expect them to come find me, anyway. Ed would never break and tell them where I was. I knew her. Like my little sister.
...My little sister...
And Spike and Jet, my older brothers always willing to smack me into line and teach me the basic rules of bounty hunting when I screwed up, and kept coming back, even when I spat in their faces and told them I hated them; when I pushed them harder than they pushed me and told them I didn't need them.
But I did.
I needed the crew like I need air; they made my life worth something. A shred of something, millions of acres of something, I didn't know, but they changed my entire view of existence. Back in the casinos, I was a roaming gypsie. They came, picked me up, and I tagged along. I wanted their money to pay off my debt.
I stayed.
And I know why I stayed.
The gluttonous lunkhead he was, Spike had grown on me like a scab; no getting rid of it, so you have to live with it. And then, when the ugly thing goes away, the area where the scab had been doesn't look too bad; almost nice as it is. So you leave it, look at it once in awhile, and it eventually feels normal. Then it leaves and you feel a pang of sadness. You want that scab back, right? So you try and get it again, only to see it never turns out the same.
He was my ugly scab turned badge of pride. And Jet. And Ed... Well, Ed was just always there. The comic relief on Bebop.
Spike... Why did I let you grow on me? Why did I let you grow on me and then let you fall away into the forgotten abyss with so many others from my past? Why did I have to go and get feelings for you worked up?
Spike... Why didn't I say anything when I had the chance?
Was I afraid of rejection? Acception? Both?
I blamed this all on the sun and tossed a rock that was on my 'pillow' out of my 'house,' then went back to staring at the big, flaming ball in the sky. I figured out awhile back that you would start to see things if you stared at it long enough. It shed away the glare, but the center of the sun is quite unpleasant.
Was I...hallucinating again?
Or had I finally seen the truth behind the veil of lies spread across my face all these years to keep my eyes away from the world, which would burn scarring pictures into the walls of my mind and send my brain into the dumps like the rest of them?
But I was not another nameless drone in a shell of a human, sent here to have a few good kicks in the teeth and then be put in the ground to rot with the worms and wood around me. I was Faye Valentine, the girl who never gave up. The girl who sent a message to herself ten years into the future, and got it sixty years later, but still as she would've been ten years from then. The girl who made friends through the bars of a makeshift prison like the fires of Hell.
But Spike...you never came closer than the bars and flames. You were never more than a friend of mine, and I'm quite irritated because of it.
I shook my head and closed my eyes. Damn sun. Always screwed with my mind. A bird screeched at me while it flew above, blocking the sun for a moment before moving on to terrorize something else. There went the eye-pecking vulture. Maybe I was supposed to decay first, then wait for it. Whatever. I rolled onto my side. I always slept on my side, and I considered myself halfway between outside and inside, hanging on an imaginary bed, so sleep was the first instinct I considered.
Crying over my life and wanting to scream at my green-haired tormentor came in a dead-tie for the second.
I flipped onto my stomach for the first. I didn't know why. Not like anyone was around to make fun of me, but I clenched my eyes tightly shut and slammed a fist against the cracked terrain.
Damn you, Spike Spiegel! Damn you and your fucking charm! Damn you for making me stay at the Bebop on a rope of false hope you cut months later! And damn you for...for... Damn me for believing I had a chance...
Damn me for believing what goes down muct come up; for believing after fifty years of cryogenic freezing the world owed me something good. But when I woke up, the world was different. Cruel. Menacing and taunting. Evil as it could get. A new orb of hatred burning down on everyone's backs everyday, and they went on, ignoring it and pretending this was the good life.
But most of all... Spike...
Damn me for wishing. Damn me for wishing you were the one I'd described as the special person next to me in the tape. Damn me for wishing you were mine forever, wishing you would always be there to fall back on; the one to warm the other side of the bed.
Just...
Dammit...
Damn it all...
Ed and I talked about this, Spike. Never knew that, did you? Ed, the immature member of our crew, actually gave me advice, and I'll even quote her to humor you:
"Edward thinks Faye-Faye should wait. If Spike-person and Faye-Faye have chance, Edward thinks Spike-person will come to Faye-Faye, not the other way. If it was never meant to be, Edward thinks Faye-Faye should move on. Lunkhead-Lunkhead and Faye-Faye would look cute, though."
She slid to her feet and ran off to the main room, leaving me with half-blue-painted toenails. You never did come to me, Spike. So I moved on, just like she said. I'll bet you the RedTail she'll never say a damn word to you about that, huh? I trusted her.
But never Jet. Jet never knew. He would've run to you right away. As much as I loved him as a friend, I knew not to tell him my deeper secrets.
Laying there with my face against the sand, tears sliding down my cheeks to darken the dirt, I wondered why I was alone. Then I remembered: Because, Spike Spiegel...you never walked into the flames of Hell to rescue me...and you'd never set foot in this void to get me back...
Damn it all.
Disclaimer: Cowboy Bebop and all of its characters belong to Sunrise, Inc. and Bandai Visual. All lyrics belong to the songwriters and artists.
"Maybe life is like a ride on a freeway... Dodging bullets while you're trying to find your way... Everyone's around, but no one does a damn thing... It brings me down, but I won't let them... If I seem bleak... Well you'd be correct... And if I don't speak... It's cause I can't disconnect... But I won't be burned by the reflection... Of the fire in your eyes... As you're staring at the sun... When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway... When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away... There's more to living than only surviving... Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying... Though you hear me... I don't think that you relate... My will is something... That you can't confiscate... So forgive me, but I won't be frustrated... By destruction in your eyes... As you're staring at the sun..." ( Offspring: "Staring At The Sun" )
Hard Luck Woman - Faye: Lines in The Dirt
Was this...home?
Or was I calling it home for the sake of having one?
There wasn't really anything left there; just lines in dirt I made into a room and called my own, my laying on my back in the same dirt, staring at the glaring ball of hatred in the sky, and a vast wasteland that used to mean something to me. But now, I was here because...because of a mistake in judgement I made. I believed I would find happiness in the ruins I now lie in, waiting for the vultures to pick my eyes out and use my hair for a nest.
They're gone by now; all of the Bebop crew. I didn't expect them to come find me, anyway. Ed would never break and tell them where I was. I knew her. Like my little sister.
...My little sister...
And Spike and Jet, my older brothers always willing to smack me into line and teach me the basic rules of bounty hunting when I screwed up, and kept coming back, even when I spat in their faces and told them I hated them; when I pushed them harder than they pushed me and told them I didn't need them.
But I did.
I needed the crew like I need air; they made my life worth something. A shred of something, millions of acres of something, I didn't know, but they changed my entire view of existence. Back in the casinos, I was a roaming gypsie. They came, picked me up, and I tagged along. I wanted their money to pay off my debt.
I stayed.
And I know why I stayed.
The gluttonous lunkhead he was, Spike had grown on me like a scab; no getting rid of it, so you have to live with it. And then, when the ugly thing goes away, the area where the scab had been doesn't look too bad; almost nice as it is. So you leave it, look at it once in awhile, and it eventually feels normal. Then it leaves and you feel a pang of sadness. You want that scab back, right? So you try and get it again, only to see it never turns out the same.
He was my ugly scab turned badge of pride. And Jet. And Ed... Well, Ed was just always there. The comic relief on Bebop.
Spike... Why did I let you grow on me? Why did I let you grow on me and then let you fall away into the forgotten abyss with so many others from my past? Why did I have to go and get feelings for you worked up?
Spike... Why didn't I say anything when I had the chance?
Was I afraid of rejection? Acception? Both?
I blamed this all on the sun and tossed a rock that was on my 'pillow' out of my 'house,' then went back to staring at the big, flaming ball in the sky. I figured out awhile back that you would start to see things if you stared at it long enough. It shed away the glare, but the center of the sun is quite unpleasant.
Was I...hallucinating again?
Or had I finally seen the truth behind the veil of lies spread across my face all these years to keep my eyes away from the world, which would burn scarring pictures into the walls of my mind and send my brain into the dumps like the rest of them?
But I was not another nameless drone in a shell of a human, sent here to have a few good kicks in the teeth and then be put in the ground to rot with the worms and wood around me. I was Faye Valentine, the girl who never gave up. The girl who sent a message to herself ten years into the future, and got it sixty years later, but still as she would've been ten years from then. The girl who made friends through the bars of a makeshift prison like the fires of Hell.
But Spike...you never came closer than the bars and flames. You were never more than a friend of mine, and I'm quite irritated because of it.
I shook my head and closed my eyes. Damn sun. Always screwed with my mind. A bird screeched at me while it flew above, blocking the sun for a moment before moving on to terrorize something else. There went the eye-pecking vulture. Maybe I was supposed to decay first, then wait for it. Whatever. I rolled onto my side. I always slept on my side, and I considered myself halfway between outside and inside, hanging on an imaginary bed, so sleep was the first instinct I considered.
Crying over my life and wanting to scream at my green-haired tormentor came in a dead-tie for the second.
I flipped onto my stomach for the first. I didn't know why. Not like anyone was around to make fun of me, but I clenched my eyes tightly shut and slammed a fist against the cracked terrain.
Damn you, Spike Spiegel! Damn you and your fucking charm! Damn you for making me stay at the Bebop on a rope of false hope you cut months later! And damn you for...for... Damn me for believing I had a chance...
Damn me for believing what goes down muct come up; for believing after fifty years of cryogenic freezing the world owed me something good. But when I woke up, the world was different. Cruel. Menacing and taunting. Evil as it could get. A new orb of hatred burning down on everyone's backs everyday, and they went on, ignoring it and pretending this was the good life.
But most of all... Spike...
Damn me for wishing. Damn me for wishing you were the one I'd described as the special person next to me in the tape. Damn me for wishing you were mine forever, wishing you would always be there to fall back on; the one to warm the other side of the bed.
Just...
Dammit...
Damn it all...
Ed and I talked about this, Spike. Never knew that, did you? Ed, the immature member of our crew, actually gave me advice, and I'll even quote her to humor you:
"Edward thinks Faye-Faye should wait. If Spike-person and Faye-Faye have chance, Edward thinks Spike-person will come to Faye-Faye, not the other way. If it was never meant to be, Edward thinks Faye-Faye should move on. Lunkhead-Lunkhead and Faye-Faye would look cute, though."
She slid to her feet and ran off to the main room, leaving me with half-blue-painted toenails. You never did come to me, Spike. So I moved on, just like she said. I'll bet you the RedTail she'll never say a damn word to you about that, huh? I trusted her.
But never Jet. Jet never knew. He would've run to you right away. As much as I loved him as a friend, I knew not to tell him my deeper secrets.
Laying there with my face against the sand, tears sliding down my cheeks to darken the dirt, I wondered why I was alone. Then I remembered: Because, Spike Spiegel...you never walked into the flames of Hell to rescue me...and you'd never set foot in this void to get me back...
Damn it all.