I'm breathing. I'm aware of that. But why is it so physically painful to do so? I inhale and exhale once more. My lungs feel tights and sore.

I flip my pillow over to the cool side, but keep my arms reached up above my head. My eyes are tight and sore too. I'm still so tired. I just lie there, the breeze coming in from my open window blows across my exposed skin. My muscles don't want to move, and I have no will to move them either, I just lie in immobility, sleep unable to overcome me anymore.

And I begin to wonder why I feel like complete shit. Ah yes that's it. Claire. Pain surges me the moment I think about her.

How much I love her-happiness.

How much she hates me- pain.

I lie in my bed for a while longer, what seems like hours but I know it must only be a few minutes. Every moment, knowing she doesn't really want to see me ever again, disgusted with what I am, seems like an hour. It's dragged out. An involuntary rumble surges from deep within my chest.

A knock at the door sounds. "Quil," my dad's voice calls quietly. Every inch of my body hoped that no one had told him about any of this yet. My door creaks open, but I don't dare move or speak fearing that anything I would do would open up Pandora's box.

"Embry called you cell and you didn't pick up," my dad says in a husky voice. "He said he needs you out right away."

I didn't move.

"Quil get your ass out of bed."

The door practically slams shut. I know that Embry's edict was pretty much a command, and I cannot feel the power to resist it. Slowly, cringing at the soreness of my muscles, I sit up in my bed. As my consciousness evolves I remember the day before, and how I ended up in this predicament. I try not to think about the source of it, her, but it's so prominent it hurts to remember. She left in her car, and I exploded, right then and there. That hadn't happened in years. And Embry saw it all in my thoughts, and called me to see him.

Embry was up at the top cliff. The one that we used to jump off of as stupid kids. The one we still jump off of. Instead of talking I walked straight to the edge of the cliff and jumped off, hoping in someway that because the fall couldn't kill me, my body would at least release some endorphins making the current situation better.

The fall was no help. It just brought on more pain when I hit the water in a weird way. Embry jumped in after me, dragging me to the beach, making sure I wouldn't try to drown myself. Instead of staying to talk to him, I just turned to walk away.

"Cut the shit," I heard him mutter under his breath, but I ignored it. There were worse things than Embry being an ass on my mind. I continued to walk until I reached home, where I climbed in bed, hoping that sleep would just take me away.

I couldn't think of it anymore. Those first few hours involved so many involuntary phases no wonder my entire body was sore. Slowly I pull myself up to stand, to face the day. The first day without her. Without Claire.

I throw on a pair of sweats, not bothering to shower. My house is empty. Dad must have left. Running instead of using my truck, because there are just too many things I see when I look at it. Her. Rain. I phase instantly, without control. The anger ripples through me too fast, I don't begin shaking anymore. I just phase.

Quil, come. Embry's thoughts command me to obey.

Reluctantly I do so. Just because I have to do what he says, doesn't mean I have to do it in a timely manner. Composing myself, I phase back so that I can't feel anymore of his commands.

Human, I feel her more. Her face flashes in front of my eyes every time I come back to this form. Her face when she stepped into the car that last time. It's just her face. Her sleek, black hair covering her cheek. I cringe. My eyebrows creasing together, frustrated, know I can't touch her, can't make it better. No.

Slowly I make my way towards where I saw Embry, out in the woods up in the mountain top. Pacing myself seems monotonous, but every moment seems long. Has it really been only a day? Less than a day? Just hours?

"Quil," a voice calls from behind me. It's sound is knowledgeable and understanding. I recognize it. Leah.

Turning to face her, she continues to walk up slowly behind me. She's got that look I hate. The one that says, "I understand." At least Embry didn't give me that look, but I concluded that it would be what the rest of the pack would do. They'd give me that look.

"Hey," she smiles weakly. "When I switched shifts with Embry this morning instead of you, I heard. You okay?"

Her question seems genuine but not intrusive. She knows that I wouldn't have to talk, if we were both wolves she'd be able to hear if it was true.

Jake had once told me that Leah was supportive in the whole Bella situation. Was I her second attempt at putting the whole relationship thing into perspective? I'm not sure I want to be.

We begin to walk. She was obviously called to Embry as well, as I note that she walks slightly in front of me, leading the way.

"Leah?" I ask, my voice deeper, horse from the day and night before.

"Hmm?" she responds slowing her pace slightly, falling next to my side.

""I'm sorry if I'm out of line asking you this, and I know I already know a lot of this, but," I exhale before continuing. "Does seeing Sam still hurt you? Or has it gone away?"

I appraise her face trying to predict what she would say before she would answer. She's not shocked at all be my question. Her face doesn't read anything beyond what it had a few minutes prior, like she had been expecting my question.

"The truth is, it's gotten easier. The pain has faded. It's still a sore spot for me to see Sam and Emily together, but it's not as bad as it once was. I can be happy for them, while living my own life. And if I could, and I am trying to, I would stop phasing so that I could continue back where I was. I'd leave La Push. Move on like Jake's sister. Live somewhere else, to fully heal. Really all it is now is a scar, but not a wound," Leah says. Her response seems like she knew what it would be before I had asked it.

I was relieved. I had already waited eighteen years to tell her I loved her. Another eighteen and I would be healed, like Leah. Scarred but healed. "So it's almost twenty years to get there. Good I can hold out that long," I say, even though I know that the rejection is practically killing me less than a day in, I'll just take it.

"Quil I don't think it will just be eighteen years for you," Leah sighs. "I didn't imprint on Sam. Yes, I loved him but my life wasn't solely attached to his. I learned to live, learned to breathe without him. You- you have a different problem. She's how your life is attached to this world. Although I can't fully understand, I somewhat do from what I can hear in the pack's thoughts. You can't stop loving her."

Her reasoning seems legit. And I hate it. Hate that I know she's right. "Okay," I manage to get out.

After a few more minutes of walking at our measured pace, I feel the need to thank Leah but I don't know how. We've never had a relationship beyond the pack. Slowly I reach my hand out and take hers. She squeezes back.

"Leah," I say once more. "Why haven't you moved on? I mean like started to date around?"

"I'm not sure I want to," she answers my question calmly.

Realization hit me. "You're scared that if you start to date someone and then imprint you'll hurt someone like Sam hurt you, aren't you."

"Quil, I thought you had already come to this conclusion. It took you almost twenty years to figure this out?" she laughs lightheartedly.

"I guess I already knew that," I concede. "So I guess the real question is will you let yourself love or be loved."

"Yes, Quil. That's always been the question."

We reached the peak now, and Leah and I dropped hands to walk a little distance apart so that we could phase in privacy. My respect for Leah in the last hour had increased to an unprecedented level.

Took you long enough. Embry's thoughts sarcastically remarked.

Sorry. Leah apologizes.

I see in Embry's head his conversation telling Paul, Jared, and Sam about what happened. I cringe at his memory of how I looked in those first moments. In those first hours. I wondered if I still look the same to him.

Yes. Embry and Leah both reply to my thought.

Quil, I don't know what to do here. We've got a lot to deal with besides your situation. He doesn't think this coldly but it still feels like a stab wound.

You know that the catalyst for us to become werewolves is the vampires. We haven't been running across them as much in recent years. After that huge pack we had, and those who stopped phasing we're down to just us, Seth and Mark. I think Mark was a fluke. We're are the last pack for a while. Embry paces as he tells us this. Both Leah and I see that this thought process was not ignited by Embry on his own. It was through Sam.

What about Jacob? Leah wonders.

He'd fight with us if it came down to it, but not against the Cullen's, and he's not here to protect the reservation on a daily basis.

I simply can't deal with a pack talk right now. I want to go back to my bed and sleep. My mind can't focus. It's like I'm an addict. Addicted to a drug. Claire is my drug. And I'm going cold turkey. I have to see her.

You won't go anywhere. Embry's power of Alpha falls upon me as I turn to walk away. I can't move. Paralyzed.

My blood pulses in rage behind my ears. You want to know what? We never addressed this. When are we actually going to talk about how you became Alpha? How is that? I had more blood than you. It should have been me. My anger comes through my thoughts and I growl at Embry.

You must be really oblivious. Leah chuckles, barking. He's the bastard son. You knew that Quil. Don't be stupid.

Leah. Embry scolds. The only reason it's not you, Quil, is because I'm older. You and I have equal blood. I'm just older. I phased before you.

I guess that is logical. Leah lays down on the ground and shuts up for once. I shouldn't talk about her like that. She's actually a good addition to the pack.

Quil, I know you've got a lot to deal with right now, but the council wants to address the situation. You will be there tomorrow, if I have to kill you and drag your dead body there or not. Embry commands. I know I have to obey. Other than that Quil, I relieving you of duty. You're distracted. I don't need an accident happening right now. I'm sorry that this happened. Summer hasn't talked to me, nor will she return my calls.

I growl. Don't talk to Summer. Don't talk to Claire. Just don't. Embry, if you ever talk to Summer or Claire again, I'll be bringing your dead ass body back to the council. My threat is strong and Embry doesn't seem like he's going to fight back.

Fine. Embry agrees, acting more as a friend now than the Alpha.

I walk away now, even as a wolf my muscles are sore. Once I'm out of Leah's view, I phase back and pull on my sweats. I need to be alone in my mind right now. I hope for numbness but it doesn't come. The only way I feel okay, is when I'm sleeping.

I remember her words. "I can't handle the supernatural stuff," she had said. I remember Jake and Bella. I remember first meeting Bella, how beautiful I thought she was. Jealous of Jake for getting to be with her. Learning that she was broken. How her bloodsucker, Edward left her, how hurt she looked. And then she became happy with Jake. I felt like Bella right now.

And then Jake told me that she was good with the weird stuff, the supernatural. Well I guess she had to be now that she was one of them. My nose cringes in disgust, in memory of their sweet smell.

And I think of Jake when that filthy bloodsucker came back for her. How hurt he was. How he left how he ran. Running.

It was the best idea I had ever had. I would run, like Jake did. Not wanting for Embry to hear my plan I run human back to my house. I leave a note for my Dad, telling him that Jake would know where I was.

As I leave out my door of my house for the last time, I see a bag. A white plastic one filled with my old sweats. They smell like her. I collapse in front of them. IT was really over. She had returned all my clothes, all the sweatshirts that I had ever lent her so that she wouldn't be cold. I pictured her shivering now without them.

Calming myself so that I wouldn't phase and Embry wouldn't be able to see my plan, I stumble to stand. Taking a few deep breaths, I begin to walk, then jog, then run, to the edge of La Push, through the woods, up the mountains, soaked in the rain, ten miles until I slow to take a break. Then I phase, and Leah's thoughts are the only ones I hear.

I get it. She thinks and then is mute.

Thanks, Leah. You won't go running to him will you? I ask skeptical.

No, because if it were me I'd do the same.

Thanks. I say and then her thoughts are gone, obviously phased back to her human form.

I can fully grasp my full speed now, and I keep running north, as far as I can. I muscles still ache, but I their pain is nothing compared to the pain I feel when I think of Claire. I plan to make myself as tired as possible so that when I do stop to sleep, I'll be too tired to think anymore.

The rhythmic pattern of my paws pound against the ground and I pretend that is a song, the beat of a drum, at least so I think less about her.

A/N:

Yay! School is almost out, forever! Which means that I can write more often. (lucky you!)

I had always planned on this being in Quil's perspective, so it's a nice change for me. Writing in first person can get boring for me if I'm stuck with one character for too long. Anyways I hope you enjoyed I hope to have another chapter out within the week.

c.c