This is a little different from the other one shots I've written recently. Rather than being an expansion of early season storylines, this is a look back in time and is more Rayna focused. Just a look at what might have been going through Rayna's mind on the occasion of Maddie's first birthday.
The sun coming through the curtains woke her up. She breathed in and stretched. She felt him roll towards her in the bed and had to keep from tensing up when he put his hand over her arm and onto her breast. They'd had sex the night before and that was enough. She sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed, letting his arm fall away.
He put his hand on the small of her back. "You don't have to get up yet, do you, sweetie?" he asked.
She breathed in and then pushed herself off the bed. She turned and looked at him. He was smiling sleepily, his hair pushed up on his head. She forced herself to smile, wishing she thought he looked adorable and appealing, but he just didn't right then. "Maddie will be awake soon," she said. "And it's her birthday, so I want to get everything ready for her."
He shook his head. "She's not going to understand, Rayna," he said. "I know you want to make it special, but…."
She raised her eyebrows. "Yes, Teddy, I do. It's a big day. Her first birthday." She had to catch herself, because she could feel the emotions welling up inside.
He sighed. "Okay. I get it." He frowned slightly. "Is this going to be one of those days where you get all distant?"
She knew how that bothered him. Everything seemed to cause her pain and she had tried hard to get past it, but it was still challenging. He didn't deserve it either, because he'd been nothing but kind and loving. It surely wasn't his fault. She forced the smile back on her face. "Of course not," she said. "It's a happy day. I'm happy."
He looked at her for a moment, then let that boyish smile that she really did love creep back across his face. "I guess it's as big a day for you as it is for her," he said. "Actually, she probably won't remember it, so this is for you."
She smiled, but didn't know exactly what to say, so she turned and walked out of the bedroom. They were still living in Teddy's Green Hills condo. It had been fine when she'd first moved in, before Maddie was born, but the second bedroom was really small and there was only one bathroom. It felt like it was closing in on her and so she had been enthusiastic when Teddy suggested buying a new house. But that had turned into building a new house and they were still a couple months away from being able to move into the huge private mansion that would provide more than enough space for the three of them.
When she got to the cozy kitchen, she started to work on decorating Maddie's high chair. Teddy had brought home a huge 'Happy Birthday' balloon and had hidden it in the pantry so Maddie wouldn't see it. Rayna knew Maddie wouldn't know it was for her birthday, but she would squeal over the balloon anyway. She tied the balloon to the arm of the wooden high chair. Then she pulled out the birthday banner and hung it up across the window. She got out the little plastic tiara and set it on the high chair tray.
The party itself would be more elaborate, probably more than she would have liked, but it seemed more prudent not to make a scene. Since the condo was so small, her father had graciously offered the use of his house for the shindig. Rayna had not been thrilled about that, but Teddy had pushed her to agree and so she had. She went to the cabinet and got out a bowl, then poured cereal in it for Maddie.
"Look who's up," came Teddy's voice from the door.
She turned around, the bowl in her hand, to see Teddy holding Maddie, who was still yawning, one arm around Teddy's neck. She was still in her pajamas, her dark hair sticking up on her head. Rayna smiled happily. "It's the birthday girl!" she squealed and, setting the cereal bowl down on the high chair tray, she scurried over to pluck her daughter out of Teddy's arms. She laid little kisses all over Maddie's face, causing her daughter to giggle. She turned and pointed up at the balloon. "Look, Maddie!" Maddie pointed up at the balloon and squealed.
"Turn around so I can get a picture," Teddy said, and Rayna did. The smile on her face was genuine as she posed with her daughter. Teddy squeezed off a couple shots before Maddie turned in Rayna's arms and reached out for the balloon.
Rayna settled Maddie in the high chair, putting the little tiara on Maddie's head. Teddy got one shot before Maddie knocked it off onto the floor and then forgot about it. He walked over and put his arm around Rayna's waist, leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. "I can't believe she's a year old already," Rayna whispered. She took a deep breath and then turned to look at her husband. "Thank you, babe. For everything."
The party was at two. Rayna thought it was silly to have a party for a one-year old, who wouldn't know why they were doing it and wouldn't remember, but the minute she suggested not having one, Tandy had a fit.
"It's for the parents, sweetie," she said. "And so you can invite all your friends to see your little girl." She reached for Rayna's hand. "It's a chance to show her off."
Rayna made a face. "I don't need to show her off, Tandy. And why can't the party just be for family? At our house. Maddie's not going to even know what we're doing."
Tandy had smiled. "You don't want Maddie to wonder, when she's all grown up, why you didn't have a first birthday party for her, do you?" she asked.
Rayna bit her lip. "I suppose there will be pictures," she said.
Tandy frowned. "Well, yeah, of course there will."
"I mean, pictures that will be in magazines or the newspaper." She breathed in.
Tandy eyed her sister. "He doesn't know," she said, her voice low, even though they were the only two in the room. Rayna turned to look at her. "And even if he wondered, Teddy's name is on the birth certificate. Teddy Conrad is Maddie's father."
Rayna nodded, but she felt the tears threaten. "It just feels, I don't know, wrong still," she said.
Tandy looked at her sternly. "No, babe, it's not. You did the right thing for your daughter. Did you want her to have a drunk for a father?"
Rayna shook her head. "But he's sober now. Coleman said so."
Tandy rolled her eyes. "Right. How many times has he done this now? Five? And he always starts off sober, but you know how that goes." She made a face. "At least I know you won't be putting him in for a sixth time."
Rayna got in the shower, while Teddy entertained Maddie. The party plans were made, the cakes were ordered, the invitations were sent out, and the RSVP's received. There would be more than fifty people at the party, counting all the couples and children. Some of the biggest names in country music would be there, so it was quite an affair. Even a photographer from The Tennessean would be there, although Rayna had insisted it only be for thirty minutes. And she wanted approval over any pictures the newspaper would be using.
As she lathered up her hair, she thought back to Tandy's comment about this party being for Maddie's parents, which made her think about the fact that Maddie's biological father wouldn't be there. She felt tears creeping up and blinked hard. She had finally stopped crying every day, finally stopped being 'distant', as Teddy referred to it. But it had been the hardest decision of her life, to walk away from Deacon and choose not to tell him they were going to have a baby.
She thought back to the night that had started it all. She had been dating Teddy for several months, after breaking up with Deacon for the last time. His third time in rehab had not stuck. He made it almost nine months, but then he'd fallen off the wagon. Again. She couldn't remember anymore what exactly the final straw was. It could have been the night he didn't show up for her first headline show at the Municipal Auditorium. It was a big deal for her. One they'd been very excited about. The tour hadn't been a long one – three months and thirty shows, but she was a headliner and she was finishing in Nashville. He didn't show up and she was frantic. Luckily one of the opening acts loaned their guitar player. She had fought tears on stage but she'd gotten through it. Deacon had apologized profusely for days after that.
Or it could have been after she'd come home from a label meeting and he was gone. She'd spent hours searching for him before finding him passed out in a booth in a dive bar. Or maybe it was when he disappeared for three days after Vince died in an accident and she found him in a jail clinic, recovering from alcohol poisoning.
It was probably all of those things, but she had left him, taking everything out of their house and moving into an apartment. Tandy had introduced her to Teddy, telling her sister that he would make a good husband and father. Rayna wasn't interested in that, but she was interested in someone who would be normal and stable.
She couldn't get Deacon out of her blood, though, and he'd convinced her that he'd sobered up, begging her to come back to him. She had finally given in and let him take her to the cabin, where he'd asked her to marry him. He'd been romantic and sweet and they'd made love all night long on the rug in front of the fire. But the next morning he was passed out on the couch, with an almost empty bottle of cheap whiskey on the table beside him.
She had taken his truck and driven back to Nashville, leaving him behind. She sent Coleman after him, instructing him to take Deacon to rehab for the fourth time. Six weeks later, she found out she was pregnant and that he had left rehab early. She and Tandy found him at the cabin, drunk and tearing the place apart. She felt tears fill her eyes as she remembered Tandy's words. Do you want him to be the father? Do you have any idea what could happen to you or that baby if he was? She had known then he was Maddie's father, in her heart, although it wouldn't be until after she was born that she'd gotten confirmation.
She still wondered sometimes whether she'd done the right thing. But she'd made a choice and Tandy had been right – Teddy was a good husband and father. He loved Maddie with all his heart, from the moment he'd held her in his arms. She let the water run over her face, mixing with her tears, as she told herself, as she had every day since she'd made her choice, that Teddy was the right father for Maddie.
Rayna had just come back from putting Maddie down for a nap. Teddy was reading in the living room and put his book down when Rayna walked in. He smiled. "She go down okay?"
Rayna smiled. "Yeah, she did. I was surprised. Maybe she knows it's a big day." She walked over and sat down next to him. "You said this was a big day for me, but it's a big day for you too," she said. She took his hand in hers. "You rescued me, Teddy," she said softly. "Both of us. So this is a big day for you too."
He leaned in and kissed her. "I'd do it again, Rayna," he said. "I love you both."
She nodded. "I know." She stood up. "I'm going to go get the cakes. Will you be okay?"
He laughed. "I think I can manage."
She smiled. "I'll be back soon. We need to leave around one so we can get things set up." Teddy nodded and she picked up her purse and went out to her car.
As she drove to the bakery, she thought back on the night she'd told Teddy she was pregnant. Tandy had reminded her that she, in fact, didn't know for sure who the father was, but Rayna was sure. She and Teddy always used protection, so she thought the chance that he would be the father was slim. She dreaded telling him, because she didn't want to hurt him.
Teddy was always prompt, so he knocked on her apartment door right at seven. Even though she knew he was coming, Rayna was so nervous she practically jumped out of her skin at the sound. She walked over to the door and took a deep breath, then opened it. Teddy was standing there with a smile on his face. "Hey, Teddy," she said.
When she didn't move, he took a step forward. "You ready?" he asked.
She breathed out and shook her head. "Um, can you come in first?" she asked.
He looked confused. "Sure, but we have a reservation at seven-fifteen." He walked in. She stood at the door, feeling like she couldn't breathe. He turned back to her. "Rayna? Are you okay?"
She gasped for air. "Yes. I mean, no. I mean, um, can we sit down a minute?"
He frowned. "Sure." He took her hand and then looked at her strangely. "Rayna, you're shaking. Are you sure you're okay?"
She shook her head. "No, I'm not okay." She finally led him over to the couch and they sat. She kept hold of his hand. "I don't know quite how to say this." She breathed in and then looked down at their hands. "I'm pregnant."
"What?"
She looked up and his face was white. "I'm pregnant." She could feel tears in her eyes.
He pulled his hand away and got up. Then he walked over to the window and then turned back to her. "I don't understand. How can that be?" he asked. "We always use protection."
She nodded. "I know." She looked up at him and felt queasy. "I was with someone else. Once."
His face was tight and his eyes were cold. "Who?" Then he shook his head. "Deacon?" She couldn't answer him, so she just looked down at her lap and started to cry. "Really, Rayna? How did he manage to get you…never mind, I don't need to know. But why?"
She looked up at him. "I'm so sorry, Teddy," she wailed. "But you know our history and I just…I don't know, I guess I got swept up in it."
He didn't say anything at first, just breathed in and out. "Is it his?"
She shrugged. "It probably is. But I don't know. There's always a chance…." She could see Teddy was bristling. "I'm sorry," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm so sorry."
He sighed audibly. "So I guess you're going back to him."
She looked up and shook her head. "No. I can't. He's…he's drinking again." She was crying so hard now she could barely speak. "I…can't…be…." She put her face in her hands and sobbed.
She was surprised when, after a moment, Teddy sat down and put his arms around her. She cried on his shoulder as he held her, until she finally thought she'd cried all the tears she had. He rubbed her back. "We'll figure this out, Rayna," he said softly. "If you tell me you can't do this with him, we'll figure something out."
She pulled back and looked into his face. The anger was gone, replaced by concern and compassion. "I can't, Teddy," she said. "I can't live like that and I can't bring up a baby like that."
He nodded. "You look like you could use some sleep. Why don't you do that and I'll come back tomorrow and we'll come up with a plan."
"Thank you, Teddy. I know I don't deserve this…."
"I want you to feel safe, Rayna. And your baby. We'll figure this out." He leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead and she suddenly did feel safe, just like he'd said.
She owed him a lot. When he came back the next day, he'd offered to marry her and raise the baby as his own, regardless of paternity. She knew he loved her more than she deserved and she was grateful for his kindness. She did love him, even if it wasn't the kind of love she'd felt for Deacon. But he was solid and safe and a good man. He was everything Tandy had promised he would be.
Rayna unlocked the front door and walked in, balancing the two cake boxes in her arms. Teddy came out of the kitchen and rushed over. "Let me help," he said, and she smiled gratefully, letting him take the boxes from her. She followed him into the kitchen as he set them on the table.
"They turned out perfectly," she said and she lifted the top off the larger sheet cake. It was a yellow cake with white buttercream icing and sprays of pink roses all around the edges. The words 'Happy 1st Birthday Maddie" were in pink icing in the center. Then she opened the smaller box with the smash cake. It was a small round cake with white icing and pink frosting roses. "This is the one she can destroy," she said with a laugh.
He smiled. "This should be interesting," he said.
She put her hand on his arm. "I'm going to go ahead and get dressed." She looked at the clock on the wall. "We need to be sure she's up in about fifteen minutes. I don't want her to be too cranky at her own party."
She hurried back to their bedroom and opened the closet. One of the few nice things about the condo was the large, walk-in closet. She had hung the skirt and blouse she planned to wear on a hanger on the closet wall. She had planned to wear sandals, but then decided on boots. Her red boots, which were her favorite. She hadn't worn them in a while and she started searching for them. She finally found them, behind her wedding dress in the back corner of the closet.
She held the dress out, remembering the day she'd worn it. She was four months pregnant and not showing too much, but the dress had an empire waist and a full skirt that draped nicely. It was a one shoulder dress with a large silk flower on the right shoulder. The cut of the bodice had not emphasized the fact that she was already a full cup size larger. She hadn't had much time to look for a dress and it was one that fit and didn't look too terrible. She let it drop back into place and then retrieved the boots.
Rayna sat in front of a mirror in one of the small private rooms at the country club, Tandy standing to the side. One of her stylists was working on her hair. "Don't make it too big," she said, but to no avail. But when she had finished, Rayna thought it was okay. She touched it as she sat there, thinking this should have been the happiest day of her life, but it had not felt that way.
She stood up and Tandy handed her a bouquet of flowers, which she held in front of her. She reached behind them and patted her slightly rounded stomach. "I guess this will hide it," she said. It wasn't that her pregnancy was a secret, but she had not wanted it to be obvious in pictures.
"You look beautiful, sweetheart," Tandy said, her hands on her sister's shoulders. "Just stunning."
Rayna smiled and then she sighed. When Teddy had offered to marry her, she had agreed, but she thought it had seemed a little like a business deal as opposed to a real wedding. She knew Teddy loved her, but he was still feeling the sting of knowing she'd slept with Deacon and that the baby could be his. She felt tears burning in her eyes but blinked hard.
She had always thought she'd marry Deacon. She'd always wanted to marry him. But his drinking had made that impossible. Oh, they'd talked about it a million times, but it had never seemed to be a good time, with touring and all. But the drinking was what had really made her wary. She would tell herself that if he could stay clean for a year, then she'd know he was serious and she'd consider getting married. But he could never get to a year and, as he would slide farther and farther into the hole he was digging, the less sure she was they would ever get to that point.
The night she had finally said yes to him had ended badly and now here she was, pregnant and marrying a man who was probably not her baby's father and certainly wasn't the love of her life. But marrying Deacon, as much as she had wanted it, was not to be. Deacon was in a six month rehab and she was marrying someone else.
Later that night, after Teddy was asleep, she'd cried for the dreams she'd had that would never come true. And she cried every night after that for nearly a year.
Rayna walked into the nursery after getting dressed and was surprised to see Teddy with Maddie. "Hey, babe," she said. "Thanks for getting her up." She leaned in to kiss her daughter, who still looked sleepy, her hair standing on end. She suddenly felt a squeeze in her heart as she thought about how much Maddie looked like Deacon. She'd gotten his hair and eye color and she had that same little frown line between her eyebrows that Deacon did. "Hey, sweet girl," she whispered against Maddie's cheek.
"I thought I'd take care of getting her ready, since you'd already be dressed," Teddy said, a smile crinkling his eyes. He looked her over appreciatively. "The red boots, huh?" he asked. "You haven't worn them in a while."
Teddy had no idea Deacon had bought her the red boots for her twenty-first birthday. They remained her favorite, but she hadn't worn them since before she and Teddy got married. Every time she looked at them they had reminded her of Deacon and all that brought her was pain and heartache. So she'd buried them in the back of the closet, until today. She looked down at them and then back at him. "They're the most comfortable," she said, with a smile. "And I thought it was a good day for comfortable shoes." She grabbed Maddie's hand and pressed her lips against the soft skin. "Thanks for getting her ready, babe. I appreciate it."
She walked out of the nursery and into the living room. She stood in front of the window and looked out onto the courtyard below. She took a deep breath. A year ago, Maddie had been born. In some ways, it had flown by. In other ways, time seemed to have slowed down. It had been good to take the time, so that they could all become a family.
The moment she'd held Maddie in her arms that day, she knew she was meant to be a mama. And as she'd looked down at her, she had promised her daughter in her heart that she would always protect her and keep her safe, that she would always love her. That she would forever treasure her because she and Deacon had made her.
She was laying on the bed, wincing at every contraction, late into the night. She and Teddy had gone to every childbirth class and had watched videos of babies being born. They had toured the birthing suites at Vanderbilt. They had set up the nursery, buying a crib and a changing table, a little dresser and a rocking chair so they could rock their daughter to sleep. She had spent the day in the nursery putting away the last of the clothes and accessories she'd gotten at all her baby showers. She rearranged the blanket and the pillows in the crib. She'd sat in the rocker and thought about holding her baby in her arms. She repacked the little bag she was taking with the outfit her daughter would wear home.
She was ready and yet she was not. Once Madeline Virginia Conrad was born, everything would change. All the decisions they had made would be real. And she would have to live with them every single day. It was probably the reason she waited so long to go to the hospital.
Teddy kept checking on her, just to be sure she was okay and didn't need anything, wasn't ready to go to the hospital. But he knew it was a bittersweet day for her and, to his credit, he didn't say much. They were doing the paternity test right after the birth, but they hadn't talked much about that. She was nervous about it all, about the pain she might feel, about what would happen afterwards. But most of all she was incredibly sad about the fact that Deacon wasn't there. She knew he was back in Nashville, but she hadn't seen him, of course. But knowing he was close just made it harder.
They had gone to the hospital just before midnight and then Maddie was born just before the sun came up. She had screamed at the top of her lungs and she and Teddy had smiled at each other. After she was cleaned up, Teddy held her tightly to his chest. Rayna felt tears in her eyes as she watched him lean down and gently place a kiss on her forehead. When he looked back at her, she could see tears in his eyes and she felt a sense of relief, knowing that in that moment he had accepted her as his own, no matter what.
He brought Maddie over and placed her in Rayna's arms. She looked up at him first and smiled, then looked down at her daughter. Maddie opened her eyes and Rayna felt an overwhelming sense of love and peace. She also knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that this was Deacon Claybourne's daughter, and she wondered if she'd ever get over the pain of that knowledge.
"We're ready," came Teddy's voice from behind her. She turned and he was standing in the doorway holding Maddie, who was dressed in a little cowgirl dress, with a light blue denim top and a pink skirt covered with a sheer white overlay. Her hair was combed and her eyes were bright and shining.
"Oh, my God," Rayna squealed, her hands over her mouth. "That looks even more precious than I thought it would!" She rushed over and grabbed Maddie's hands. "Oh, baby girl, you're Mama's country princess!" Maddie shrieked with laughter and Teddy winced, although he maintained his smile. Rayna reached for her daughter and Teddy handed her over. Maddie grabbed at Rayna's hair and Rayna pulled her hand away. "No, no, sweetie," she said. She looked back at Teddy. "I guess we're ready then."
Rayna picked up her purse and Maddie's diaper bag and Teddy grabbed the two cake boxes and they headed out the door to drive to the Wyatt mansion.
When they pulled up in front of Lamar's house, Teddy reached over and grabbed Rayna's hand. She turned to look at him. "I know you didn't really want to do this or do it here, but thank you," he said. He looked so earnest and grateful that she wished she hadn't complained so much about doing it. "And thank you for her." He nodded towards the backseat, where Maddie was strapped into her car seat. "This has been the most amazing year of my life. She has been the best thing in my life." He smiled apologetically. "Next to you, of course."
She breathed in. Teddy Conrad was a good man. In an impossible situation, where he could easily have brushed her aside, and rightfully so, he had not. He had taken the high road and loved her and Maddie anyway. She felt tears come to her eyes and she reached up to brush them away. She shook her head. "I should thank you, Teddy," she said. "All of this is because of you." She leaned over and kissed him. "I do love you, Teddy. I hope you know that. And not just for what you did."
Just then Maddie started babbling behind them and Teddy grinned. "I guess we need to get everything in the house. Then I can move the car."
Rayna smiled back at him and they got out of the car. She reached in and got Maddie and her diaper bag and Teddy got the cake boxes. As they headed up the steps, the front door opened and Lamar and Tandy walked out. Rayna kept the smile on her face as she approached her father, but it was her performance smile now and not genuine. Lamar leaned in and gave her a perfunctory peck on the cheek, then reached out to take Maddie, a happy smile on his face. "There's my birthday girl," he crowed, kissing his granddaughter on the forehead. "How does it feel to be one year old, Miss Madeline?" Maddie squealed in response, waving her arms and legs, happy, as always, to see her grandfather.
Rayna thought that at least Lamar had not questioned Maddie's paternity and, even though it hurt just a little, she was grateful that he loved her daughter with such fervor. Lamar turned and walked back into the house with Maddie and Teddy followed with the cake boxes. She stood there for a moment and then Tandy came and put an arm around her waist. "How are you feeling today?" she asked, looking at her sister carefully.
Rayna looked at Tandy. She resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "I'm happy, Tandy," she said. "My baby girl is one today and we're having this ridiculous party for her that she won't even remember. But I'm happy." She smiled. "I really am."
Tandy leaned in. "I hope so. You have everything you ever wanted, babe. A family. A husband who adores you. A life that's peaceful and stable."
Rayna stiffened and stepped away from her sister. "Yes, you're right about all that, Tandy," she said, her voice testy. "And I know you'll never stop reminding me of it." She turned then and walked briskly into the house, leaving her sister behind.
Teddy had not really said anything about the paternity test results. She had watched him and saw his jaw twitch, but he never really told her how he felt. She knew he was bitterly disappointed, no matter how slim the chance was that Maddie was his. She had tried to embrace him and give him some comfort, but he had stepped away and she had not pushed.
She walked back to the nursery and stood by the crib, looking down at her daughter. Her chest hurt as she watched the tiny baby sleep. Now that it was confirmed that Maddie was Deacon's, she felt a sense of despair she had never known before. Teddy had made her promise, the day Maddie was born, that she would not tell Deacon unless the two of them decided it was necessary. He told her that as far as he was concerned, Maddie was his daughter and not anyone else's, that he would raise her and love her as though she were his own flesh and blood. He had admitted that day that he didn't expect the paternity results to be in his favor and that he had made his peace with it.
It meant, of course, that she would have to keep this secret, that Deacon might never know they had a daughter together. There was probably no reason for him to believe Maddie was his. She knew he had been drinking so much he'd had blackouts. It broke her heart, though, to keep him in the dark, but she knew she had no choice. This was what was best for Maddie.
"I will always take care of her, Rayna." She turned to see Teddy standing at the door. "I will always love her. And you. I didn't make a mistake doing this. I promise to be a good husband and father to you and Maddie."
She looked at him, standing there, having stepped up for her and her baby when she was at her lowest point. She smiled. "You already are, babe," she said softly.
Rayna walked into the house to get away from the squealing of the children. She didn't mind Maddie doing that, but having another fifteen or so of them made her head hurt. She was happy that the party had gone so well and that Maddie seemed to be enjoying it, even though she clearly didn't know it was for her. She stood at the door and looked back out over the lawn, focusing on her daughter. She was running but, since she was still a little unsteady on her feet, Teddy was holding her hand. She felt a lump in her throat as she thought about the fact that Deacon couldn't be there.
Then she saw Bucky separate himself from the group and walk towards her. He stood next to her at the door. "So, I heard back from Deacon this morning," he said. "I knew I'd be seeing you this afternoon, so decided to wait until now to let you know his decision." She held her breath.
When he showed up at the rehearsal hall, he had taken her breath away. He looked good. His eyes were clear, his face had color, his hands weren't shaking. He smelled clean. He looked guarded though, as he approached her. She forced a smile on her face. "Hey," she said.
He took a deep breath and gave her a tiny smile. "Hey, Rayna," he said. He breathed out. "You look good."
She could feel her heart beating and her mouth was dry. Being this close to him made her skin tingle and she had butterflies in her stomach. "You do too, Deacon." She bit her lip. "The reason I wanted to see you is that, well, I've been trying out lead guitar players and nobody is quite right. I'd like, um, I'd like to ask you to come back. As my guitar player. And my bandleader. Cole tells me you're doing really well on your program."
He nodded. "I got my one year chip." He kind of laughed for a second, then cleared his throat. "I finally done it."
She felt tears in her eyes. "I'm glad," she said softly. "Anyway, I'd like for you to come back, but I need you to understand that things will be different. For us."
He nodded. "I know you got married. And had a baby. I get it, Ray."
She caught her breath as he used his nickname for her. "Well, I mean, that's all it can be, Deacon, I need you to understand that. And we can't do our old songs, of course. And I don't think it's a good idea for us to write together."
He looked crestfallen. "Okay."
She took a deep breath. "I don't want you to answer me today. I want you to think about it. Think about whether you can do all that. I'm really going out on a limb for you and I have to know that you understand the boundaries. Oh, and I need you to keep following your program, going to meetings. If you get drunk or even take a drink, Deacon, you're out."
"I get it."
She softened her face. "You make me better, Deacon. Having you on stage with me makes me better. That's the only reason I'm doing this. I just need us to be clear on the boundaries. So, I want you to think about it and then let Bucky know if you can do it. Okay?"
He nodded. "Okay."
She could see the sadness and the yearning in his eyes and she wanted to tell him she understood and she felt it too, but she couldn't. It could never be like it was before. She'd only told him part of the truth, though. It was true that she was better with him. But she also wanted him to have a chance to know his daughter, even if he didn't know she was his. "Deacon, this is all it can be. The music. I need you to understand that."
He blinked. "I do." He looked at her carefully. "Are you happy, Ray?"
She was surprised at his question. She knew she had to tell him what he needed to hear. "Yes, Deacon. I'm happy. Very happy."
She looked at Bucky expectantly. "Yeah?"
"He said yes."
She breathed in and nodded, not trusting her voice. She was glad he'd agreed.
Rayna was watching Maddie play with her smash cake, holding the camcorder to memorialize it. Tandy had been the one to suggest the little cake just for Maddie and she decided it had been a good idea, even as she wondered if she'd ever be able to get her baby girl clean. Maddie had icing all over her hands, her face, and even in her hair. Teddy was sitting next to their daughter and Rayna smiled as she watched him lick icing off Maddie's fingers. Maddie squealed with laughter, banging her little legs against the high chair with glee.
Now that she knew Deacon would be rejoining her band, she would have to tell Teddy. She anticipated it wouldn't be a good conversation, but she hoped to make him understand it was no threat to him or his relationship with Maddie. She had made her decision on that front the day Maddie was born and she knew it was the right one. It didn't mean it wouldn't be painful or that it wouldn't be hard sometimes, but watching Teddy with Maddie confirmed for her that she had given her daughter the best father she could have.
"She's a precious little girl." Rayna looked back over her shoulder at Faith Hill, standing just behind her. Faith smiled. "Reminds me of Maggie last year. I swear I'm just now getting that girl's hair back to its right color."
Rayna laughed. "I hope I don't have too much trouble getting it out of hers. But she's having such a good time. And Teddy seems to be encouraging her." She had realized that Teddy was handling all the video duty, so she'd taken over the camcorder so he could have his turn with Maddie. She had such mixed feelings, as she watched him with their daughter. He was everything she could have wished for as a father to Maddie and he had been true to his word – he loved her as though she were his own. I'm doing the right thing for her, the best thing for her. She felt at peace, though, knowing that she'd give Deacon and Maddie the chance to know each other. That would have to be enough.
Faith put her hand on Rayna's shoulder, interrupting her thoughts. "She has the clearest blue eyes I think I've ever seen. But it's like looking into the eyes of an old soul. I think you'll have your hands full with her."
Rayna's smile turned a little wistful, a little melancholy, and she nodded. "She does have the eyes of an old soul. She always has." She sighed. "She has her father's eyes."