I fucking hate changes. I really do.

So when Craig decided it was a good idea to stop wearing his blue chullo hat, I hated it.

I hated it even more when he started working out, and wearing t-shirts to show off his beautiful arm muscles.

But what I believe was the worst of the things he did, was when he decided to get a girlfriend.

He and Bebe have been going out for two months now. Two miserable months. Or not for them, maybe(I hope they're miserable), but for me.

I've desperately wanted to screw Craig Tucker since ninth grade.

I don't know what it is, it's just something about his face that is speaking to me on a level which I do not understand. Maybe it isn't even his face, maybe it's his strange attitude. I know he's been acting all nonchalant and non-caring in his younger days and somehow that's still appealing to me. And I most certainly found him interesting in our younger days. We used to hang out all the time in fourth grade. It was just like we found each other one day and we went into our own little bubble, ignoring the world surrounding us. Back then I really enjoyed him being careless and all. It used to calm me down. But after a while, I got sick of it. I got sick of him threatening everybody that came near us. It was something with him, like he just wanted to keep me to himself. Once, he slapped Butters when he tried to ask me for a scissor. Craig scared me. And after months of months of trying to figure out this 10 year old mysterious boy, I gave up. I left our friendship without explaining myself, ignoring Craig whenever he tried to speak with me. After a while, Craig had gotten the hint. So he left me alone.

And I didn't even notice him again until ninth grade. That's where the changes started.

Craig has always been known as the bad-boy. At least that's what I've heard when people talk about him. He started smoking in eight grade, and would steal small stuffs from stores. If anybody confronted him they received a not so held back punch in the face. Nobody would come near him. After a while even his best friends Token and Clyde started to avoid him. And about that time was when I started noticing him again.

I had just come to fund with myself being gay at the time. It's still a secret to everyone except Kyle. And that's because Kyle's gay too. Nobody knows about Kyle's gayness either, though it's pretty easy to figure out if you just pay attention to the details. Or Stan knows that Kyle's gay. But he wouldn't tell anyone, even though they don't hang out anymore after the "incident".

Kyle's the only one in South Park that I enjoy being around. It's not only that we get high pretty much all the time, but I also really enjoy his hair. It feels soft when I run it through my hands while we're making out. I like that.

It was in ninth grade when Craig stopped wearing his hat, and it made him look fucking sexy as hell. I hated the fact that I loved it. His hair was still the dark raven color it was in fourth grade. I remember him refusing to take it off unless we were safely at his house, where nobody could see us. I don't know why, but he almost seemed ashamed of his hair.

Or maybe it was just that he'd gotten so used to wearing it.

But when he took it off, his hair would fall into all the right places. Most of his hair was pushed back, with some straws falling infront of his eye.

It did the same when he stopped wearing the hat in ninth grade.

I remember one time when I actually walked up to him, freshman year, after collecting all the courage I had, and told him "Your hair looks sexy pushed back."

He punched me in the face. Hard. I had a black eye for two weeks after that. Guess he hadn't watched Mean girls.

And then, later on freshman year, the second big change arrived to the scene. He started working out. A lot. The before skinny looking awkward boy was replaced by a quite buff guy with a small tattoo on his left arm that I still haven't come close enough to look at.

I liked the skinny awkward boy. It suited him well, since it's similar to me(even though Craig's shorter).

But now he's all big and dude-ish. His shirts looks nice on him though. And I guess I wouldn't mind seeing him topless.

And now, two months into senior year, he's gotten himself a girlfriend. A pretty one as well. Bebe is they most prefect girl you could ever find. Anywhere. I hope with all of my heart that they have a terrible relationship. And I honestly wonder why she's hanging out with Craig. Craig's a weird shit head who insluts everybody and gets himself into fights way too often.

And I wonder how Craig even allowed her to get close enough to him to be able to start hanging out.

And the hanging out turning into dating.

But Bebe's changing something in Craig. She's made him calm down a little. These last two months he's only been in one fight, and every time he's about to enter one, Bebe's there to hold him back.

Maybe Craig's getting better at controlling his douche-ness. I saw him talking to Clyde and Token the other day, so maybe he's actually starting to build up friendships again.

Which I don't enjoy especially much. Maybe cause I myself would like to see what kind of person Craig has become. I don't want Clyde or Token to have that honor. I want to know what thoughts are running in his head or how his body would feel underneath me.

But I'm kind of fine sitting in the back of the classroom staring at him. It has worked out for three years now. And it's all cool. Or, not really. I'd rather be talking to him, but I'm aware that won't happen. So I stick with my ground rules ;

Don't leave your weed out for your parents to find.

Don't tell anyone about Kyle Broflovski.

Stay the hell away from Craig Tucker.

—

My first class today is art. I like art class. I mean, I can barely get anything nice done because my hands are always shaking way too much for me to be able to paint details, but I started a new project last semester(which I'm still working on) where I'm literally just splashing colors onto the paper. I know it might sound horrible, but I believe it's one of the more nicer things I've created in my life.

So I have a whole box of papers with just smashed color in my locker.

My art teacher is quite kind as well. She always compliments my so called paintings even though she knows they suck. And she also tries to give me tips sometimes on how to improve my.. splashing.

Also, Kyle's in this class. And Kyle's really good at painting. He's painted me several times. Most of the paintings are of me when I'm occupied with something like listening to music or trying to scribble down words for a song. It feels like he always gets my good side when he paints. And I appreciate that.

I wish I could give Kyle something back except for the crappy songs I write about our friendship and how it's okay that Stan Marsh doesn't like him back(it's not in those exact words but the point's there).

This time Kyle's painting a flower. It's very realistic, the way he's using the colors. He doesn't notice me staring, cause he's so caught up with what he's doing. I wish I could be like that. Completely and utter focused on one thing. As soon as I try to focus my mind just starts wandering off to other things like "Did I eat breakfast this morning" or "What if there's a murderer in my closet". But Kyle, he looks cute as he's gnawing on his nails trying to put a shadow on the dandelion.

I just sit and stare at Kyle for the rest of class.

I know it sounds like I have a thing for Kyle. But I don't. I'm being completely honest when I say that he's just my friend(with benefits). And I know that Kyle doesn't like me either. It's nice to have this kind of friendship, when both of us know that this romantic thing just isn't going to happen between the two of us.

When class ends, we all pack up and leave. Kyle keeps his papers and books close to his chest as we wander through the hallways of our dirty high school.

"I found this quite unknown guy on the internet who used to sing about anarchy and now he's singing about how he's kinda given into the system. You should hear him." Kyle's not wearing his hat today. That means he's in a good mood.

"Yeah, Pat the Bunny. I know about him." I mumble back. Kyle frowns at me. He doesn't like that I know everything about these unknown creatures and movies there's ever existed. What can I say, I have to much free time.

"Can you just pretend that you don't know the next time I tell you about an underground artist I found?"

I chuckle.

"I will."

—

The rest of my classes of the day flies by fast. It usually goes fast when I sit behind Craig. And today I did that in both math and science. I could watch his muscular back all day. He was wearing a tight blue t-shirt today. It shows off his broad shoulders. Euw. I love it.

I was watching Craig eating lunch today as well. He sat next to Bebe at a round table. Clyde, Token and Stan was there as well. I think all of them except Bebe are still scared of Craig, but at least Craig seems more comfortable with them than before. Craig was staring at his pizza slice for like five minutes, totally ignoring the people around him, and then finally putting it in his mouth. It looked funny. I'm glad he didn't see me staring though. I don't want him thinking I'm some sort of stalker, or creeper. I mean, I'd be fucking terrified if I saw a kid with blonde hair standing in every direction staring at me with light blue eyes.

I don't really like that my eyes are that blue. It looks nice on others, but I think it's just contributing to my already crazy look. If I hold my eyes open REALLY big I look like I could kill someone.

I might.

No, I wouldn't.

But it's what people believe when they meet me. They shake my hand like normal people, but pull it back as quick as possible. Also, the whole avoiding eye contact thing. I know people think I don't notice, but I do. And it hurts my feelings when people avoid looking me in the eyes just cause I might not be the most stable looking. Just cause I forget to comb my hair, wear baggy shirts that covers my weird, way-to-tall body, listen to loud music so you can hear it through my headphones and enjoy cracking my knuckles doesn't give you the permission to avoid me. Or stare when you don't think I notice.

But I do.

Notice, that is.

—

Me and Kyle have company home. He smokes his gross Camel cigarettes while I smoke my Marlboro. We both find the other one's brand to be disgusting. It's a great combo.

It's snowing outside. The snowflakes that lands in Kyle's ginger hair melts quickly and disappears. I wish I could film it. I don't know, it's the contrast of his super curly jew-fro and those tiny, tiny flakes. It's just pretty.

I don't really like snow though. I think it's cause when I was younger and all the kids where out playing in the snow, I was first told to go fuck myself when I asked if I could join. Then, one day finally was allowed to join 's when they'd shove snow inside of my jacket. I remember that I tried to laugh it off back then, but when it happened for the fourth time I just started bawling my eyes out. I regret that. I still think about it to this day. I don't want to show myself weak, so to say, to anyone. And crying is a sign of weakness. Emotions whatsoever is a sign of weakness.

So I just try really hard not to show them.

Until I get home. And it's late. So my parents won't hear me bawling my fucking eyes out.

But no one will know what goes on there. Ever.

And I always call myself a pussy afterwards.

On our way home I talk about Craig with Kyle. Kyle has the pleasure of listening to me rambling about how I overheard Craig saying he liked Depeche Mode to Bebe in the cafeteria(I totally love depeche mode), or that I saw him jogging outside of Kyle's house the other day and he had his hair in the front section in a tiny little bun on his head, letting the back hair fall free. It was adorable.

Kyle has been listening to my Craig talk for years now, as I've been listening to him talking about Stan. Our talks just ends in us both being sad and having pity sex.

Kyle isn't convinced I'm not interested in Craig. In the romantic kind of way. I don't know how many times I've told him I just think Craig's an interesting person. Who happens to be hot. Kyle just won't listen.

We say goodbye outside my house, and Kyle says he'll pick me up with his moms car tomorrow(his mom lets him borrow it once a week). He flips his cigarette into the snow next to my drive-in and I do the same. I wave at him before entering my house.

"I'm home!" I shout even though I know both my parents are at work. It's just a reflex to say that every time I enter the door. Mom and dad was always home when I got there until I turned twelve. Or, mom was at least. Dad was out. But they wanted to be home cause they where scared that I'd fall and hit my head on a sharp edge or something. Yes, that's how shaky and unstable I was back then. It's better now though. So they started staying at work.

I walk into the kitchen, humming on Psycho Killer by Talking Heads as I brew myself a cup of coffee. My thermos was finished by second class today so it's been a pretty caffeine-less day. But right now, I'm craving it.

I take it black today. Like I do most days. And in my favorite cup. It's a star wars mug, and when you pour in the hot coffee it pops up light sabers in different colors. It's quite fascinating. I got it at a sci-fi store last year, and it's my absolute fav cup apart from my reindeer mug. It's the most precious thing I own. I can't really remember where I got it, it's just kind of always been there. But I rarely use it. Only on special occasions.

The coffee is really hot when I pour it down my throat as I walk up the stairs to my room. The walls are covered in family photos. I look terrified in each and everyone of them. You can't blame me though, the photographer was scary with his.. big equipment and all. There where lightnings everywhere. I shiver when I think about it. Pictures has just never been my thing. It'd be a miracle if you found a picture where I didn't look like the weirdest creature you've ever seen.

That's why I always cover my face up when people try to take photos of or with me. It's easy just to put one or two hands up to cover my entire face.

And this is also why all my profile pictures on social media are of some sort of cute animal. Or possibly an album cover on some page.

I turn on my computer as I make myself comfortable in the chair to check if I've received any messages. I think I'm gonna spend the night watching Sherlock Holmes and doing homework. But I always open Facebook. It's not like I receive messages from anyone other than Kyle. It's mostly just him tagging me in cat videos on Facebook. He really finds all cat videos hysterical. I don't. But I do pretend to laugh when he shows them to me, out of kindness.

I open up Facebook. I've received one new message request.

I click accept.

It isn't from Kyle though.

"Why do you stare at me all the time."

I spill all of my hot coffee into my lap.

It's from Craig.