Ramen-Man!
This idea has been kicking around in my head for about a year. After seeing a lot of summaries mentioning super-Naruto, I idly wondered what a super-hero Naruto would be like. And then this idea struck me...
Because this idea lends itself to a one-shot, I actually eventually managed to work up enough enthusiasm to try writing it, instead of just thinking about it, (because I doubt if I tried to anything longer, I'd never finish it!) and hopefully make a few people smile and give a little back to the folks whose works I've been reading.
You may find this one-shot just a little tongue-in-cheek...I've not tried writing comedy before (or much of anything except flavour text for roleplaying adventures, actually!) so I hope it's going to be entertaining.
But, if it makes you smile – or groan – at least once, I've achieved my goal.
I don't own Naruto, shockingly enough, which, under the circumstances, is probably as well...
When mild-mannered Hokage Naruto Uzumaki accidentally eats a bowl of radioactive ramen, he gains super-powers and becomes the greatest hero of Konoha: Ramen-Man!
"Why are we doing this again, Lord Orochimaru?" Kabuto looked in askance at his leader. Something seemed a bit...off with the world today, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.
Orochimaru looked up from what he was doing and smiled evilly. He looked as sinister as ever, his pale, snake-eyed face looking even more villainous in his current outfit, which was identical to his normal one, but with the addition of a black cape, a top hat and the thin, handlebar moustache that Kabuto couldn't remember him growing.
"Simple, my dear Kabuto," he chuckled. "Revenge against Konoha for all the indignities they have heaped on me over the years! Especially on that blasted blonde-haired fool of a Hokage!" He chuckled harder, and bent over to continue.
"Well, yes," Kabuto continued uncertainly. "I understand that but specifically? How is tying Sakura to railroad tracks helping, exactly?" He eyed his master, baffled as Orochimaru continued his work of securing the aforementioned kunoichi to the railroad tracks that ran past Konoha's main entrance. Sakura herself looked a bit, well, different, Kabuto's slightly distracted brain thought. He didn't remember her being quite so voluptuous. In fact, she resembled the product of the fantasies of a thousand teenage boys (or Kakashi Hatake) and was just barely recognisable as Sakura Haruno because of her long and silky pink hair. Even the ropes and gag restraining her seemed more artfully placed as to accentuate her features. Even her was looked more like it was tousled in a I've-just-got-out-of-bed fashion, and not as if she'd been kidnapped. She didn't seem to be struggling much and trying to escape, either, Kabuto noted, more sort of wriggling and looking a bit distressed. (Come to that, Kabuto wondered to himself, when did Konoha get a railroad? And where were the gate guards? And the gate? And the walls? He was looking right up the main street, where the Hokage tower and Hokage faces were clearly visible, and people were looking back at them and pointing.)
Orochimaru again paused in his task of tying the ridiculously voluptuous woman to the tracks to regard his minion. He looked momentarily baffled himself, as if it should have been obvious as to why this particular act of villainy needed explaining. He recovered magnificently, and smiled evilly again, an expression that would certainly have made small children cry if they'd seen it.
"Ah, Kabuto, once again, the sheer brilliance of my schemes have eluded you. Perhaps one of your colleagues can enlighten you." Orochimaru gestured to his remaining henchmen, who consisted of the Sound Five, Dosu Kinuta, Kin Tsuchi, Misumi Tsurugi, Yoroi Akado, and Zaku Abumi. All ten were wearing the garb of Sound Ninja, except that they didn't have hitai-ite, and like Kabuto himself, they had snake-related codenames written on the front, like "Fang" and "Venom" and "Slither" and "Rattle" (Orochimaru had been running out of ideas by the time he'd gotten to Zaku.)
Orochimaru continued to smile and gesture for a beat too long as the sound-nin exchanged glances. Jirobo scratched his head. Kidomaru shrugged, a gesture that carried particular weight on account of his four arms. Kimimaro took half a step forward.
"Actually, Lord Orochimaru," he began respectfully, "we were wondering about that ourselves..." He trailed off, looking slightly uncertain.
Orochimaru looked a bit unsure. "Isn't it obvious?"
Kabuto scratched the back of his head. "Well...no. Not really..."
Orochimaru huffed a bit. "Clearly, it...It will make them...Well, it means that..." He stopped, looking blank. (Sakura continued to wriggle interestingly all the while.) "It's EVIL, okay!"
His henchman nodded intelligently, as if this were so obvious in hindsight, making little "aahs" of appreciation. It was evil, yes, of course. That made total sen- wait, what?
Fortunately, Orochimaru was spared further grilling on the subject, as that moment, half the ninja population of Konoha leaped down in unison to land in the street. Kabuto spotted the teams Guy, Eight and Ten, their respective senseis, Kakashi, Anko, Ibiki, Shizune, Jiraiya, Tsunade, about twenty ANBU and a dozen chunin (including Kotesu and Izumo) and bizarrely, Iruka Umino, who Kabuto felt probably ought to be teaching the academy. Oh, wait, he could see several children, including the Third Hokage's grandson in the growing, milling crowd behind the Leaf-nin.
Far from being worried about tackling two sannin and most of Konoha's elite jounin, which Kabuto mostly certainly was (he began edging back behind his leader very carefully) Orochimaru merely smirked.
"Kukukuku! It looks like you're just time! Witness, you fools, the true brilliance of my genius!" He dramatically swept his arm to indicate Sakura, and even twiddled the end of his moustache. The scene just needed some crashing thunder, and it would have been perfect.
"You'll never get away with this, you fiend!" Tsunade snarled. "We'll stop you!" There was a general rumble of ascent from the ninja behind her.
"Oh, but you won't," Orochimaru purred. "You see, my dear Tsunade, I foresaw this possibility and made...preparations!" he continued, as if realising kidnapping a well-known and liked kunoichi and tying her to a railroad track in front of everyone would result in a massive response was some sort of major achievement. "You will, in fact, be totally helpless as you watch your beloved Sakura be crushed by the freight-train to Suna, unable to save her!"
Kakashi pulled his headband up, sharingan blazing. "And just why is that, Orochimaru?" Beside him, the Konoha ninja dropped into combat stances, activated kekkei genkai, summoned weapons, dropped training weights and generally looked badass. "Because," Kakashi continued "from where I'm standing, it's looks like you don't stand a chance." Kabuto and the other Sound ninja backed up, looking a little worried – even the normally placidly calm Kimimaru.
Orochimaru merely chuckled again. "Because of this:" he suddenly snapped through several hand-seals and shouted "Freezinator no jutsu!" Ice formed around the feet on the Konoha ninja, trapping them in large blocks that reach up to their mid-calves.
"Oh no! He's trapped us with his ice jutsu!" Tsunade unnecessarily exclaimed. The leaf-nin made desultory attempts to escape, inexplicably failed completely, despite the fact that it was perfectly normal ice, and half of them knew fire jutsu or could just have broken out of the ice with enhanced strength.
"You fiend!" Kakashi shouted.
Orochimaru merely laughed evilly and twiddled his moustache again.
"Oh, Sakura!" Tsunade exclaimed overly dramatically, placing the back of her hand to her forehead as if she were about to swoon. "We have failed you!"
"Drat!" Kakashi exclaimed. (Shikamaru blinked and wondered what on earth possessed the Copy-Ninja to say something like "drat.") "This ice is even proof against the sharingan! I am completely helpless!"
"Yes," Neij added, in what might have sounded slightly more monotone than even usual. "Not even my gentle fist can break it. I am also helpless." One by one, the Leaf-nin announced that they were all unable to escape the perfectly ordinary ice, which in some cases had even started to melt.
Sakura, meanwhile, finally managed with her ineffectual struggles to work her gag free.
"You'll never get away with this! The Hokage will stop you!"
Orochimaru merely grinned. "Oh yes. Naruto Uzumaki, the sixth Hokage...and the biggest coward ever to hold that title! He is too afraid to fight a fly, much less a sannin. Does he not run away every single time the merest hint of danger appears? He might be a great diplomat, and even a great motivator of people – and such a handsome ladies' man," (here Orochimaru paused, a slight frown crossing his features as if he was wondering why on Earth he said that last part) "but he is not a fighter." The Leaf-nin all looked at each other, uncertain. Guy and Lee wept openly in despair.
"Oh! Oh! I get it now," Kabuto said at last. "By kidnapping Sakura, you lured the best shinobi of Konoha into your trap, so that nothing can stop you from defeating the Hokage and taking over the village! Brilliant!" The Sound ninja all nodded again and made appreciative noises. Dosu and Yoroi even quietly applauded.
Orochimaru's smile became slightly fixed for a moment. "Yes," he said, a tad too quickly. "Yes, that was entirely my plan." He beamed again, more confidently now. "And, as you can see, it worked perfectly.
"Now there is no-one who can stop me!" He threw back his head and laughed again.
Kabuto had a sudden inkling feeling that his master probably shouldn't have said that.
The watching citizens of Konoha, who had stood completely still and watched the whole tableau, gasped in horror. Orochimaru laughed loudly. Kabuto shrugged and joined in. After a moment he made an encouraging gesture to the other Sound-nin, who began laughing half-heartedly as well.
And then they heard it. The first few notes of a dramatic refrain. Which, if you listened hard enough, might have sounded just like something John Williams could have written for a movie about a comic book character...
Orochimaru's laughter died off. After a moment, the other Sound-nin stopped as well, the last being Jirobo, who was never very quick on the uptake. The Leaf-nin started to smile. Could it be...?
"Oh no..." Orochimaru whimpered. "No...not...him!"
The music swelled again. One of the Konoha citizens suddenly pointed over in the direction of the Hokage building. "Look there!" Sure enough, in the sky, a small figure could be seen in the sky, a cape trailing behind it. It was flying in a needlessly exaggerated 'S' curve, instead of a straight line, for some inexplicable reason.
"It's a kunai!" shouted one of the citizens (apparently not one of the brighter ones.) The music got louder, and the figure meandered closer.
"It's a biju!" shouted someone else. The figure flew closer and started to fly downwards.
"No," Tsunade said, breaking into a wide smile. "it's-"- here, as the figure landed, the music swelled to its brassy crescendo – "RAMEN-MAN!"
Yes, Ramen-Man, in all his great majesty! The Orange Avenger, the Noodle Knight, the Man of Broth and the greatest super hero the elemental nations had ever known!
Who bore a striking resemblance to Naruto Uzumaki (if a Naruto Uzumaki who was ridiculously and unrealistically buff), wearing orange spandex. With a blue cape and green goggles pulled down over his eyes. On the front of the spandex was emblazoned in red the kanji for ramen, surrounded by a green pentagon. Ramen-Man was a good head taller than anyone else, and stood with his hands on his hips and chest thrust out impressively. Despite the fact there was no wind, the cape billowed out behind him.
Orochimaru gulped.
"Have no fear, citizens!" Ramen-Man intoned, sounding very much like Naruto speaking in a deep voice. "I'll stop this foul miscreant! His snake-themed brand of villainy is no match for my awesome ramen-based might!"
"Help us, Ramen-Man!" Kakashi cried, perhaps a bit girlishly. "Orochimaru has trapped in his evil ice jutsu!" (No-one mentioned that ice had very little connection to snakes.)
"Hahaha!" Ramen-Man laughed loudly. "Not for long, my good shinobi!" He simply took a mighty stride forward and unleashed a beaming grin. Literally, as it actually shone with a brilliant white light. The Sound –nin screamed and covered their eyes. The ice began to crack and melt away.
"Oh no! He's melting the ice with the sheer power of his awesome manliness!" Orochimaru unnecessarily exposited.
Guy and Lee began weeping again, this time with joy to such youthfulness that they themselves could never attain.
"We're free!" Chouji exalted.
"He's so cool!" Ino shouted. Ramen-Man let his brilliance of his grin fade, and made a shooting motion with his hands towards the kunoichi. Sakura, Ino, Hinata, Tenten, Ayame and surprisingly and disturbingly, Haku, all squealed and swooned with delight.
Orochimaru, despite still seeing spots in front of his eyes, regained his composure. "You've not won yet, Ramen-Man!" He snarled. "You're still outnumbered, twelve to one!"
"Thirteen!" Ukon called, piqued at being discounted again. Everyone ignored him.
"You can't fight all us alone!" Orochimaru continued. (As apparently the forty of so Leaf-nin were redundant now that Ramen-Man was here.)
"But I'm not alone," Ramen-Man said. "After all, where would I be without my faithful sidekick-" the sounds of running feet and heavy breathing could be heard rapidly approaching, as if the runner was quite out of breath. The crowd parted, and a figure dashed up and stopped, panting heavily.
"-Duck Butt Boy!" Ramen-Man finished grandly. Duck Butt Boy bore a resemblance to Sasuke Uchiha, if drawn by a slightly unkind hand; with his exaggerated hair that looked exactly like the rear end of a duck, buck-teeth, gangly frame and poor complexion. He was also very short, shorter even than Hinata. His costume was blue and white spandex, with a silhouette of a duck's bottom in red on a white circular background on the front.
Duck Butt Boy, getting his breath back, remembered to pose dramatically with his partner. "That's right!" he shouted, overly earnestly. It turned out he had a rather squeaky, high pitched sort of voice.
"Curse you!" Orochimaru snarled, and began ranting. Kabuto idly wondered when the train was going to come.
Meanwhile, Shikamaru was engaged in a heated debate with Shino and Neji. "Look, I'm telling you guys, Ramen-Man is Naruto!"
"Don't be ridiculous, Shikamaru!" Neji retorted dismissively. "There is no way our shrinking violet of a Hokage is the same man our greatest hero," he said pointing at Ramen-Man.
Shikamaru sighed. "Come on, Neji, they look the same, the sound the same, they're both obsessed with ramen...same build, same favourite colours – and you never see them in the same place at the same time! You see it, don't you Shino?" he added, a bit desperately.
Shino shook his head. "Your theory is wild speculation. You have no proof. Besides, Ramen-Man wears goggles. Naruto doesn't wear goggles." He paused. "Any more."
"Exactly." Neji said, as if this were indisputable fact. "As Naruto does not wear goggles, and Ramen-Man does, they clearly cannot be the same person. Really Shikamaru, I don't know where you got that ridiculous idea. I thought you were supposed to be a genius."
Shikamaru gawped at the pair of them incredulously. "But...that doesn't make...wha...guh... Man, I give up. This is just too much of a drag!" He wandered off.
Orochimaru had finally finished his cursing and decided to actually do something, and shouted to his minions. "Get him!" It was, as far as battle cries went, not particularly inspiring, but it did make the ninja charge forwards. Though for some reason, they all appeared to completely forget they had ninjutsu and instead just ran up to the two heroes and tried to punch them. A cheesy 1960s' music track started up somewhere in the background. The ensuing fight didn't much resemble a battle between elite ninja and more rather a group of people just swinging punches and kicks at one another, or a video game with poor collision detection.
Zaku, who by unfortunate circumstance was in the lead, reached Ramen-Man first and swung a vicious punch. Ramen-Man ducked under it and struck him in the stomach, knocking him out. At the moment of impact, the word "POW!" in big yellow letters mysteriously spun up from out of nowhere, to the accompaniment of a musical sting. Duck Butt Boy swung a fist at Jirobo, which didn't actually hit him, passing as it did a couple of inches under his chin, but nevertheless caused the portly ninja to fly backwards with a giant "Kapow!" (with the "o" consisting of several concentric circles) and knock Dosu flat. Sakon and Ukon, meanwhile, had managed to pin Ramen-Man's arms in a hold as Yoroi ran up and punched him the stomach, to the accompanying and entirely inappropriate "Zap!" effect. Ramen-Man then kicked up both his feet into Yoroi's chin, throwing him backwards (with a "Biff!") and causing Orochimaru to side-step frantically to avoid being hit. Duck Butt Boy then punched out Sakon (with a "Klonk!") but was hit from behind by Tayuya with a barrel (that had apparently materialised from nowhere) and a giant "Ouch!"
This went on for several minutes, until all the sound-nin apart from Kabuto and Orochimaru (who'd both wisely stayed out of it) were groaning on the floor and the music faded. No-one thought to try and rescue Sakura, but fortunately, it appeared the train was running very late. Perhaps the line was owned by a British railway company or something.
"And now for you, you snaky evil-doer!" Duck Butt Boy shouted.
"Not yet, Duck Butt Boy!" Orochimaru sneered. "Fortunately, I brought someone along for just such a situation that I conveniently forgot about until just now!" Everyone blinked and looked a bit askance at him. Orochimaru twitched a bit, and then pointed forward. "Strike, my secret weapon!"
From behind a conveniently placed knoll, a shadowy figure sprang down and landed in front of the Deglutitory Duo. Duck Butt Boy's eyes widened.
"Holy deus ex machina, Ramen-Man! It's...him!"
"That's right...little brother." The figure straightened, revealing himself to be none other than Itachi Uchiha! Who looked identical to Duck Butt Boy, except taller and with a more lined face, complete with silly hair and buck-teeth. He also had, not only a thin handlebar moustache, but a goatee beard as well, showing just how evil he really was. Everyone gasped dramatically.
Duck Butt Boys eyes narrowed. "I'll never forgive you for killing my family! I'll kill you!"
"Foolish little brother!" Itachi said, twiddling his moustache.
Nice technique, Orochimaru thought.
"Your hatred is not strong enough and you have not lived your life in an unseemly enough manner to be able to defeat me!"
"I don't need my hatred to be able to beat you!" Duck Butt Boy snapped. "I know now that hatred is not the way and that I am much stronger when I'm fighting to defend my precious people! Ramen-Man showed me that!"
Itachi's face contorted into an exaggerated scowl. "Curse you, Ramen-Man, you've ruined my plan to make my younger brother Sasuke Uchiha into an emo!"
Everyone (except Ramen-Man and Shikamaru) gasped again, as Duck Butt Boy's secret identity was revealed! Lee's eyes went comically wide. "Duck Butt Boy is really Sasuke Uchiha?! I never would have guessed that! He is truly a master of disguise!" Guy nodded in youthful agreement.
Shikamaru face-palmed. Sasuke wasn't even wearing a mask.
"Come then, big brother," Sasuke announced. "Let us end our family conflict once and for all, so I can redeem the Uchiha and stop your evil ways!"
"So be it." Itachi activated his mangekyo sharingan and Sasuke activated his own sharingan. The two faced each other, sizing each other up. Then, in unison, they exploded towards each other in a rush of movement that sent clouds of dust billowing behind them, faces set with determination, each one knowing that here, he must win... Everyone watched with mounting excitement...The two were getting closer and closer...Chouji produced some popcorn and being a generous sort at heart, shared it round with everyone (even Orochimaru)... Closer and closer... Kabuto wondered where that damned train was...Closer and closer... Tsunade starting taking bets...closer and closer...Shikamaru wondered how two people no more than twenty feet apart and moving at that speed could take so long to reach each other...Closer and closer...
About three feet apart the both abruptly stopped and began limp-wristedly flailing at each other, while squinting and averting their eyes and squeaking hysterically.
Everyone let out a groan. "Well, that was a let-down," Ramen-Man said conversationally.
"I know," Orochimaru replied in the same tone. "I was expecting something more..." They both nodded in agreement. A couple of beats later they both realised they should be fighting and jumped apart.
"Kabuto!" Orochimaru yelled. "Use your evil medical ninjutsu do defeat Ramen-Man!"
How am I supposed to do that? Kabuto wondered, but gamely jumped forward and activated his chakra scalpels. "You may be strong, Ramen-Man," he said with ill-conceived confidence, "but not even you can defeat my chakra-scalpel's...chakra...scalpiness..." Hmm, should have thought about that threat a bit more, Kabuto mused.
"Hahaha!" Ramen-Man replied. "Perhaps, but can your chakra scalpels save you from my Miso-Vision?"
"Oh...bollocks!" Kabuto said, as Ramen-Man thrust his head forward and shot a stream of tiny chunks of pork from his eyes. Despite the fact the velocity of the broth-coated meat was about the same as if Ramen-Man had just thrown thrown them at him, when they hit Kabuto (and sort of flopped onto the floor), the unfortunate ninja was unrealistically hurled fifty feet backwards, as if on a badly executed wire stunt, into the nearby knoll with really quite disproportionate force. Mercifully for the medical ninja, he slipped into unconsciousness and didn't worry about the missing train or any other odd inconsistencies any more.
Orochimaru looked around and realised he was alone, Sasuke having apparently won the wuss-fight as Itachi ran off sobbing into the distance.
"And now for you, Orochimaru!" Ramen-Man said, striding forwards.
Orochimaru, apparently forgetting he was an S-Class ninja, did nothing apart from wet himself and gibber with fright.
"I've got something special for you, villain, to make sure you don't threaten my friends, especially the lovely Sakura ever again!" Ino chewed through a kunai and Hinata glowered with towering fury (which in her case was sort of a cute stare) at Sakura, the latter of whom glowed with delight. Ramen-Man stopped, and, making a familiar seal, summoned a shadow clone to his right. He held out his right hand and a single noodle strand materialised and coiled in on itself, followed by more and more, and then bits of vegetables and meat, which formed into a roiling, spiralling, fist-sized sphere of ramen, while the clone made rapid passes over the top, spinning it faster and faster.
Orochimaru whimpered. "Oh no, not that!"
The clone popped out of existence, and Ramen-Man thrust the sphere forward, unleashing his most powerful jutsu with the resounding cry of "Ramengan!" Orochimaru was hurled away into the sky, vanishing into the distance with a despairing wail. At the point he went out of sight, there was a ting and sparkle of light.
Everyone cheered. Duck Butt Boy cut Sakura free, and looked adoringly at her. She pushed him over without a second's thought in her haste to get to her hero, however, and threw her arms around Ramen-Man. (Ino chewed through one of Tenten's katanas and Hinata contemplated justifiable homicide.)
"My hero!" Sakura simpered, in an entirely un-Sakura like fashion.
"All in a day's work!" Ramen-Man said.
"Do you think he'll be back, Ramen-Man?" Kakashi asked in a slightly awed tone.
"Not today!", Ramen-Man replied. "And he will never win, because he doesn't understand the true meaning of friendship! His schemes – like today – will always fail! And we will always be here to stop him!"
"That's right!" Duck Butt Boy agreed.
"In fact," Ramen-Man said, in the manner of someone who was about to deliver a cheesy one liner, "you could say his plan went off the rails!"
Despite the fact that this wasn't at all funny, everyone laughed in an excessively heartily fashion as if that was the most witty remark they'd ever heard, as the scene faded to black. Except for Shikamaru, who was banging his head against a lamp-post.
"Man, that was sure a weird dream," Naruto Uzumaki muttered to himself as he made his breakfast which consisted of, unsurprisingly, ramen, before today's mission with the reduced Team Seven. "Maybe I should cut back on the ramen before bedtime." He reflected on this for a moment. "Nah." The kettle whistled, and he poured the water into his instant ramen. He carried his breakfast out of the little kitchen, still ruminating on his strange, but really cool dream. Just as he was about to pick up his chopsticks to eat, he paused. He looked at his open right hand and then to the cup of steaming ramen in his left hand and back again. A thoughtful expression crossed his face.
Twelve minutes and thirty-four seconds later, Sakura and Kakashi were waiting on the bridge where Team Seven usually met. Kakashi was on time, for once, but only because he'd been so late to his last meeting with the Hokage and she'd been so angry she'd told him if he didn't turn up on time for a week, she'd have Anko burn is Make Out Paradise books. It was unusual for Naruto to be late, though, especially when they had an actual mission.
"I wonder where he is," Sakura pondered.
"Ah, here he comes now," Kakashi said, with an eye-smile. Which faded into a curious stare as Naruto got closer. "Mah, Naruto, why are you covered in...is that ramen?"
"Don't." Naruto said emphatically. "Ask."