A/N: I promise to update Mickey Scuito next but I was in the car with my brother and he had the radio on one of his stations and My Immortal by Evanescence came on and this idea popped into my head. Don't hate me because I am really glad it happened the way it did but what if Rivkin had shot Tony and Tony had been the one to die. I don't think Ziva would really have preferred it that way. So my first song fic. My immortal by Evanescence.
I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone
They had just left the funeral. She still couldn't believe what had happened.
Flashback
Ziva burst into the apartment after hearing four gunshots go off. She saw Michael standing over Tony with Tony's gun.
She looked between Tony's lifeless body and Michael. She pointed her gun at Michael and yelled at him to drop the gun. He looked at her and did what he was told. Ziva then called Gibbs and told him to get there as soon as he could and to bring Ducky.
Gibbs had thought it would be Michael he saw laying dead but instead it was his senior field agent. Michael was handcuffed and sitting on Ziva's couch and Ziva still had her gun pointed at his head. She couldn't bear to look at Tony.
Gibbs came in and took Michael out of the apartment. It was only then that she lowered her gun and looked at her partner lying in the middle of her apartment floor dead.
She heard Ducky tell Mcgee he took three to the chest and one to the head. Ziva knew Michael did it to be sure. It was in their training to always be sure that their target was dead.
End Flashback
She walked into her apartment. The blood stain still embedded in her carpet no matter how much she had tried to scrub it clean. Abby was staying with her. She had tried to get Ziva to stay at her place but Ziva couldn't leave.
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
Abby knew Ziva was hurting. They all were. Tony meant a lot to all of them. But Abby knew Ziva partially blamed herself for his death. Ziva's father, Director David had been irate when he found out what happened. Michael had claimed it was all in self defense, that Tony had come at him. No one believed him though. Tony would never have attacked without being attacked first. And even if it had been self defense one shot would have been enough. But he took three to the chest and one in the head. Michael was sent back to Israel to receive his "punishment." Abby thought it would probably be more like a celebration. Mossad had never liked Tony especially the director.
Ziva had thought she loved Michael, but when she came through that door and saw Tony's lifeless form she wanted to put her whole clip of bullets into Michael. She knew then that Michael had meant nothing to her compared to Tony. She hated herself. The last thoughts he would have of her would be that she had lied to him. She had no idea how to handle that.
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have, all of me
She remembered when Tony had lied about Jeanne and when they had thought he had been blown up. She thought her world would never be the same again. But he was alive and then Jeanne had accused him of murder. She told him to man up and he did. Things had started to get back on track between them. Until Jenny had died. She had found him in autopsy blaming himself. She held his hand that night telling him that it wasn't his fault. So wasn't he suppose to be there to hold hers and tell her it wasn't her fault?
Abby stood in the doorway and just watched as Ziva sat on the step looking at the blood stain. Ziva was a hard person to read. Abby knew she was hurt by this and knew she wasn't going to show it. She hadn't even seen Ziva cry. She knew Ziva wasn't a crier but this was Tony. This was different.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
Ziva woke up screaming. Stifling it with her pillow so that Abby wouldn't hear her. Once she was sure she hadn't woken Abby she sat up and looked around the room. It was quiet. She got up and went to her dresser and found the one thing she had been avoiding all week. It was his college tee shirt. She changed into it and climbed back into her bed. It smelled just like him and she lost it. She held onto her pillow and cried. She tried to hold back the sobs that wracked her body but she failed. By the time Abby came into the room Ziva was almost hysterical. She was having trouble breathing she was crying so hard. Abby climbed into the bed and pulled Ziva to her and held her while she cried. They stayed like that for hours. Until all Ziva had left wear tearless sobs. It was her fault and she knew it. She never should have let things get as far as they had. If she had just turned Michael in herself Tony would be alive.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that your gone
But though your still with me, I've been alone all along
Work on Monday was too quiet. Ziva caught herself looking up at Tony's desk more than once. She missed his childish antics and stupid movie references. Pulling pranks on Mcgee had been one of their favorite past times. She looked over to Mcgee who was also staring at Tony's desk. She was suddenly overcome with emotion and she jumped up and ran to the bathroom before Gibbs or Mcgee could stop her. She locked herself in a stale and broke down.
No things would never been the same for Team Gibbs.
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me, me, me
A/N: What did you guys think?