MONSTER
Authors Note: I decided to write Shigure/Sasada, because it needed to be written. I have no idea why I ship this pairing as much as I do. Still, their relationship fascinates me, so I decided to devote a fanfiction to them. This is dedicated to Viola Canina, who is a fan of Natsume Yuujinchou, and Biocaam, who is my home girl :3
Monster.
How should I feel?
Creatures lie here.
Looking through the window...
Monster :: Meg and Dia
Shigure understood loneliness. He suffered isolation and was locked away into darkness. While he sat alone in the dark, he allowed his hatred to fester inside his heart when tears could no longer purge his pain. Day by day, his anger and misery swelled inside his chest. Eventually, he made the greedy merchant fall into ruin. By then, he became a monster, and there were rumors of a red-eyed demon child who resided in the ruins of the merchants house.
Ironic how his purgatory eventually became his sanctuary. He resented being alone and then there's the familiar feeling of claustrophobia closing in on him again. Shigure doesn't like the dark, either--
--he never did like the dark, especially after the merchant locked him away into the cellar--
--and he remembered how much he cried at being locked away in the darkness. But then, there was a superstitious sense he would awaken angry ghosts (the merchant said there were hungry ghosts who gobbled up naughty children, and Shigure didn't like the thought of darkness or ghosts or--) so Shigure eventually became silent and sobbed himself to sleep every night in that cold, cramped cellar.
His heart became as decrepit as the ruined house he now resided in. He began to hate humans, but most of all, he hated himself for what he became. He was a red-eyed demon of myths and superstition--a tainted god who brought calamity on the merchant who grew wealthy from his power of fortune. Shigure began to hate himself so much that he couldn't bear to look at his face anymore, the wretched face of a monster. He covered his head underneath a tattered umbrella so he wouldn't have to look at his tainted visage.
--x--
There was one person who didn't shrink away from his impurity or turn away from him in fear. Instead, the woman offered to give him companionship if he gave her his name.
"I can take you away from this place, and you can see the outside world. You will no longer be trapped in the dark."
For some reason, Shigure believed her. She seemed so sincere when she held out her hand toward him, smiling. Shigure wanted to believe her, he really did, especially since there was no one else who stood before him and didn't flinch when he removed the umbrella away from his face.
"So will you tell me your name, kami-sama? I'm Natsume Reiko. I want to become your friend."
Shigure paused, feeling both hesitant and hopeful. The prospect of being taken away from the house that harbored terrible memories for him was too good to be true. He wanted to walk in the outside world again. More than anything else, he wanted to be free of the terrible burden that bound him to this house. This woman claimed she wielded the power to release him from the shackles of the past, to liberate his spirit. His name is poised on the tip of his tongue, and there's a hitch in his throat before he says, "Once, I was called Shigure. It's a name that refers to the rain between the autumn and winter months. The children I played with called me that name because I made rain for them."
Reiko smiled.
"Shigure-sama. That name suits you. I promise that I will come and visit again. I'll take you away from this place--and you'll come with me to the outside world."
After she said this, she departed with a friendly wave before disappearing down the road. Years passed after Reiko made her promise to him. Shigure never heard from her again.
It seemed that he was destined to be alone.
--x--
Shigure couldn't understand the girl who looked for her lucky charm in his sanctuary. He found the charm for her in hopes she would eventually go away. Her gratitude towards him was unfathomable, as she always returned to the abandoned house to find him. Day by day, without fail, she would be outside calling for him. Shigure always watched from the ruins of the house, wondering when she will tire of this game. Just when Shigure thought she would give up, she would return and call for him again.
She will eventually stop looking for me, Shigure thought. She can't possibly keep this up every single day.
Shigure doesn't want to admit how hopeful he feels, how his heart was eased from the ache of loneliness. It was the same feeling he had when Natsume Reiko first found him, when she promised that she would take him away from this purgatory.
He remembers
(I want to become your friend)
how lonely he had been, and how he felt his heart lighten when Reiko held out her hand toward him.
(You will no longer be trapped in the dark)
Shigure wanted to leave the darkness behind and go to the outside world. He wanted to see the brown-haired girl again, the young, naive, and pure-hearted girl who looked at him with kindness instead of scorn. He wanted to tell her
(I want to become your friend)
that he didn't mind her presence, that she could come see him anytime. While he was watching her shout for him, he pressed his trembling hand against the window.
Ah, but there was a barrier between them. She was pure, and he was a tainted god. He eventually lifted his hand away and retreated into the darkness. The only thing that remained was his fingerprints against the glass.
--x--
He didn't want her to leave him like Reiko did.
--x--
Several people were gathered at the abandoned building. Shigure watched the gathering through the recesses of the house, and he felt a building anger gather inside him. How dare they enter his sanctuary and desecrate the only home he had. Shigure felt a flicker of hatred towards these humans, and then all the pain and anger from being betrayed by humanity began building within him. The only person who might have befriended him never kept her promise.
Just when Shigure was about to inflict a spell among these humans, he saw a familiar face among them. The girl came back again. Something akin to guilt wars with his rage. The conflicting sense of loving and hating these humans makes him hesitate. He then hardened his heart, and convinced himself that these humans deserved to be punished. He wanted to see them in the throes of despair, to see them break down and suffer as he had.
An image of himself crying in the dark strengthens his resolve--
(Please, I'm afraid of the dark, it's so dark, don't keep me locked away!)
--and he also convinced himself that one day, the girl will betray him like Reiko had. Shigure will not allow himself to become disillusioned by hope again.
--x--
When he gathered the students onto the rooftop, he sees a familiar face. At first, Shigure strained to remember half-forgotten memories, and then it eventually came to him. He could see the semblance of Reiko in this young man's face. He then remembered the promise that she made to him--
--I can take you away from this place, and you can see the outside world. You will no longer be trapped in the dark--
--And then resentment festered inside him again. It gnaws his insides, and Shigure suddenly wanted to see this boy suffer after Reiko had wronged him. Just when he was about to harm Reiko's ghost, he was a distracted by a white light, and Natsume was able to return his name
(The children I played with called me that name because I made rain for them)
the cursed name that Shigure hated and wanted cast away.
But once his name was returned, all his hatred and bitterness drained out of him. There seemed to be no point in fighting anymore.
Natsume then told him that the girl (Sasada) wanted to thank him and tell him that he wasn't impure. The ghost of hope flutters in his heart again, an emotion he thought decayed away a long time ago. The girl made her way to the rooftop just when Shigure was fading away into the afterlife. To fulfill the last bond he still had remaining in the mortal realm, Shigure approached her, resting his hand on top of her head.
"Thank you."