DANNY: Wow, the house looks great! I finally got everything just the way I like it. Now I can sit back and enjoy the cleanliness.
[COMET RUNS THROUGH THE FAMILY ROOM COVERED IN SOAP SUDS, FOLLOWED BY STEPHANIE IN A RAINCOAT AND SCRUBBING BRUSH IN HAND.]
DANNY: Comet!
[FADE TO THEME SONG]
[JOEY IS IN THE KITCHEN MAKING A GIANT SANDWICH]
JOEY [IMITATING JULIA CHILDS]: Then we add a dash of salt and just a hint of lemon zest.
[LAUGHTER]
[JOEY SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE. JUST AS HE'S ABOUT TO TAKE A BITE OF HIS SANDWICH, COMET JUMPS UP AND STEALS IT FROM HIM]
JOEY: Comet! ...Bad dog!
[DJ COMES IN FROM OUTSIDE]
DJ: Joey, what's the matter?
JOEY: It's Comet! He just ate my sandwich!
DJ: Oh gosh... you know the other day I caught him eating my used tampons.
JOEY: I know. You told me like 600 times. He's becoming a real problem.
DJ: I agree. We should really consider having him trained or put down.
JOEY: Well I happen to know a dog trainer who works out at my YWCA. I'll see if she'd be willing to give it a shot.
CHAPTER 2
[JOEY, DJ, COMET AND THE DOG TRAINER ARE IN THE FAMILY ROOM. THE TRAINER IS DRESSED IN SKIN-TIGHT LEATHERS AND HAS COMET AT THE END OF A STEEL CHOKE CHAIN. SHE IS SLAPPING HIM ACROSS THE FACE REPEATEDLY WITH A RAW STEAK.]
JOEY: Is the slapping really necessary?
[THE TRAINER SLAPS JOEY ACROSS THE FACE WITH THE STEAK]
[LAUGHTER]
DJ: We really just need to teach him some obedience. Do you think you can help?
[THE TRAINER SLAPS DJ ACROSS THE FACE WITH THE STEAK]
DJ: Ow! What the hell was that for?!
TRAINER: Rule number one: There are no bad dogs, only bad dog owners.
[THE TRAINER DOUBLE-SLAPS DJ AND JOEY'S FACES WITH THE STEAK IN A SINGLE MOTION]
[LAUGHTER]
JOEY: Listen, bitch! If you slap me again I'll-"
[THE TRAINER SLAPS JOEY ACROSS THE FACE AGAIN. HE RUBS HIS CHEEK AND SHUTS UP]
TRAINER: Now if you wish to have an obedient dog, you must remember to set boundaries. Is there an item or items in the house which you do not wish comet to have?
DJ: I guess my used tampons and birth control pills.
TRAINER: Very well. Present them to the dog.
[DJ REACHES INTO HER POCKET]
DJ: Here you go, Comet.
[COMET EATS THE TAMPONS AND PILLS]
DJ: Hey! Why'd you let him do that?!
[THE TRAINER SLAPS DJ ACROSS THE FACE WITH A STEAK SEVEN TIMES]
TRAINER: I did not let him do it. He chose to do it. Remember rule number one: there are no bad dogs-
JOEY: Yeah, yeah... only bad dog owners.
TRAINER: Precisely. Now the next order of business-
[AS THESE WORDS ESCAPE THE TRAINER'S MOUTH, COMET POUNCES AND CLAMPS DOWN ON HER THROAT, SNAPPING HER THIN NECK AND KILLING HER INSTANTLY. HER NERVOUS SYSTEM CONTINUES TO CAUSE HER BODY TO JERK AS BLOOD SPURTS FROM HER NECK HOLE IN BRIGHT, STEADY ARCS]
JOEY: I guess Comet must be the exception that proves the rule! Wacka wacka! But Danny's gonna have a shit-fit when he sees this mess!
[LAUGHTER]
CHAPTER 3
Uncle Jesse is in the kitchen preparing a large meal to celebrate his Mexican heritage. Michelle comes downstairs and is impressed by all the steaming dishes.
MICHELLE: Something smells good!
JESSE: Yes, Michelle, I'm cooking my favorite Mexican dishes. This one is called Menudo.
MICHELLE: Ma'noodles?
[THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS BUT UNCLE JESSE IS NOT AMUSED.]
JESSE: No, that's not what I said. It's pronounced ma-NOO-doh. It's a traditional Mexican soup made from cow stomach and chili peppers. You wouldn't like it.
MICHELLE: How do you know? It smells scrum-diddilly-umptious. Can I try a small bite?
JESSE: Suit yourself, munchkin.
Uncle Jesse lifts the boiling pot from the burner and pours the contents over Michelle's head. The hairs are singed from her fucking scalp and her face begins to melt. She screams in delight, which Danny hears from his bedroom (where he is masturbating) and comes racing down.
DANNY: What's going on down here?!
JESSE: Michelle wanted to try my menudo.
MICHELLE: It's good, daddy! [SHE GRUNTS AND GURGLES]
Danny runs over and punts Michelle through the kitchen door and on to the family room floor where Comet has been napping on the dog trainer's corpse. The smell of menudo broth and Michelle's burning skin is irresistible, so he barfs up DJ's tampons and pills to make room for Michelle's limp and soggy child meat.
Comet turns to the camera and puts on his sunglasses. He begins to speak in the voice of Tom Hanks:
COMET: Every dog has his day! Ohhhhhhh yeah!
THE END