Litwak's Arcade- 1986
"Quitin' time!" rang the voice of a familiar repair man, the small troupe of Nicelanders following him back inside the apartment. Down below, a large man remained face down in the mud, letting out a huge sigh as a few bubbles made their way up to the surface.
"THANK. PROGRAMMERS." He growled, picking himself up and wiping off the muck.
What a day; it seemed like the kid were really coming in this week but why wouldn't they? It was the middle of summer and they didn't have anything better to do. What other way would you spend a hot July day than wasting time in an air conditioned arcade?
"Hey Ralph!" called a voice "Wanna join me at Tapper's?"
The wrecker glared down at the tiny repair man in blue, not having the heart to really talk to him.
"N-Nah, you go on ahead Felix…" he mumbled, walking off to his brick pile "I just wanna…I wanna make sure all my bricks are in place ya know? Wouldn't wanna misplace any!"
"Now, RALPH!" Felix said in a rather harsh tone, his hands on his hips "We've been working hard all week. Can't ya just join me for ONCE?"
Ralph turned back at Felix, his mood still sour until he saw the look on the repairman's face; he looked honest enough and a root-beer DID down rather tasty, especially considering how hot it was in the game. The big man rubbed the back of his neck, feeling a tad embarrassed but once he realized he had nothing better to do, he decide to take Felix up on his offer.
"Weeeell….Hmmmm…Alright!"
"GREAT!" Felix said happily, hopping in the air "C'mon! I heard Tap is tryin' a new cherry brew an' I wanna get there before it runs out!"
"Heh, sounds good!" the wrecker said as he joined Felix on the trolley, both leaving the game but unbeknownst to them, someone was watching them from afar.
"Urgh, he's GONE!" groaned a small man in a blue cardigan, swirling the martini he had in his hands.
"Goodness, Mayor. I don't know why you put so much effort into watching over Ralph like that!" said a small woman in pink, cleaning up the remaining pie in her kitchen. The man snorted a bit before taking a sip of his drink.
"You mean it doesn't bother you that Felix would rather spend his time with that BAD GUY than US, Ms. Mary?"
Mary blushed a bit; she had to admit that the mayor was right. She was a little concerned about Felix's well being whenever he was with Ralph, especially considering how strong and clumsy he was. There had been many times when Ralph had wrecked so many of her things and on a few occasions, accidentally killed a neighbor or two.
Thank goodness for respawning!
There was no escaping it; Mary was TERRIFIED of Ralph but she knew she wasn't the only one. Despite her fear, she tried her best to keep it hidden, as not to make Ralph even angrier. The woman let out a sigh as she put one of the left over Turbo Pies in the fridge, saving it for the next game.
"Listen, sir…" the woman said as she approached the mayor "While I do appreciate your concern over us, maybe….maybe we should take it down a notch, don't you think?"
"Really, Ms. Mary?" the mayor snapped, a look on his face that seemed to show that he couldn't believe she was serious "Do you know how many times I RESPAWN thanks to that guy?!"
Mary rolled her eyes, "You've told me time and time again dear and I believe you! It's just…"
"It's just that I don't trust him!" the mayor spat out, getting to his feet "I mean-! URGH! Of all the luck, we had to get one of the WORST bad guys in the arcade! I mean, all the other bad guys AREN'T bad to their NPCS! But Ralph-!"
The mayor felt a bit of a headache coming on, rubbing his temples. He had been through another miserable day and his anger was only making it worse.
"You get the point…."
"Yes, I guess I do, GENE." Mary said, moving a bit too close to the Mayor on purpose, the man blushing brightly.
"M-M-Ms. Mary!"
"Hmmm…" the woman said, noticing all the pie in her kitchen "I guess I went a bit overboard."
"Huh?" Gene said, looking about seeing that she was indeed right. He rubbed his chin as he looked at the mass of pies "Well, if it makes you feel any better…I guess I did too!"
"Really?" Mary said, arching an eyebrow "How many Turbo Pies did you make?"
"Enough to last me until the end of the week!"
"Goodness….and with all this pie, I guess I won't have to worry about baking tonight!" the woman sighed as she looked around "What a shame. I really wanted to try a new recipe out!"
"Did I hear someone say they made too much pie?" chimed in a voice from the door, a red-headed Nicelander poking his head in. Gene grumbled as he looked at the other man.
"You know NORWOOD, proper gentlemen KNOCK before they enter a lady's apartment!"
Norwood snickered, placing two of his pies on the counter "Sorry, BIG GENE but I'm just glad I'm not the only one who made too much pie tonight!"
"You too?" piped in another voice, this time from a small Nicelander in a lilac dress and hat "Oh! Lucky me then!"
"You're not the only one…." Followed another Nicelander, the man dressed in a sailor suit.
Gene was rather stunned; everyone had made too much pie and with the collective bunch, they could last SEVERAL weeks if kept in proper storage.
"W-wow…." The mayor said as he looked at all the pies "I've never seen so much pie at once!"
"Don't get TOO hungry, DEAR!" Mary giggled, missing the pout on Gene's face.
"I'M not that hun-I mean, what are we going to do with all this pie?"
"Save it, of course…" said Deanna, crossing her arms "I mean, unless you had other plans…."
Gene looked down at the pie, the sweet aroma and texture tempting him too much. He felt his stomach growl; darn it, why did he have to be so hungry all the time and why did PIE have to look SO good?
But these weren't just any pies! There were TURBO PIES, pies that only Felix could consume or at least, that's what everyone had heard. According to the rules of the game, the pies that the Nicelanders made during play enabled Felix to move faster, fix better and make him an even better hero than he already was!
And it was all because of pie.
Of course, with these powers came something special in the filling and since day one of being plugged in, none of the Nicelanders had even dared EAT a Turbo Pie, saving their own pie cravings for the pies they made off hours, without the special ingredient that went into Felix's pies.
But the question remained WHY? Again, the rules stated that Felix got his powers from Turbo Pies but at the same time, there was nothing saying that no one ELSE could eat them. Even RALPH could eat a Turbo Pie if he wanted to but he never touched one.
Gene looked down at the pie. As mayor of the little people, he knew it was his duty to remind them to follow the rules but at the same time, he began to wonder if it mattered if this RULE was broken, especially since there really was no rule.
No, he couldn't let the Nicelander eat a Turbo Pie! That would be IRRESPONSIBLE of him!
But they looked so tasty.
A good Mayor wouldn't let his citizens partake in anything that could be potentially dangerous!
But they smelled so good.
Who knew what could happen if they ate too much! They could wind up sick!
But….PIE.
PIE.
PIE!
"Er, you know what?" Gene smiled "Why don't we all take a break and have some pie?"
The Nicelanders gasped as they looked at Gene.
"Are you NUTS?!" said Roy, the man starting to sweat already "You know we can't eat Turbo Pie!"
"And why not?" Gene said in a haughty tone as he picked one of the pies up "There's nothing in the rules that SPECIFICALLY states that we can't! All we know is that Felix eats them and we've never taken a bite, EVER!"
"But you've seen what those things do to Felix!" said Don, walking over to Gene and taking the pie from him "Just imagine what it'll do to us!"
"You mean to tell me that glowing RAINBOW colors FRIGHTENS you?" the mayor retorted, looking up at the sailor.
"Er, no. What I mean is-!"
Gene swiped the pie and placed it back on the counter "Come on guys! You know we have more than enough of these things to go around so why waste them? And besides…..A little taste won't hurt!"
The others looked at each for a moment or two, not sure what to think.
"Weeeell….." Tony said, rubbing the back of his head "They DO look good….and I did make brambleberry if anyone is interested!"
"The heck is BRAMBLEBERRY?" asked Lucy, leaning over towards Nel.
"Just a mixture of all the berries, sweetie…" the fluffy Nicelander replied.
"Ms. Mary, what do you think?" the mayor looked over towards the pastry chef, the woman blushing a bit.
"D-Dear, I just…."
"Come on! Live a little! And since you baked some, I know they're ESPECIALLY good!" Gene said with a smile, only making Mary feel even more embarrassed.
"W-why, thank you Mr. Mayor but-!"
"I'll get the coffee and tea!" rang Meg's voice.
"I'll get the stemwear!" said Pearl.
"Hey, if you see peach, save me a slice!" said Blake.
The Nicelanders then went outside with their collection of pies, a wonderful assortment arranged on a picnic table. Gene watched proudly as his friends set up the display, the wonderful aroma of pie, tea, and coffee filling the air.
"Ah, bliss…" he said to himself as he ran his fingers through his hair.
"Mayor Gene, are you ready?" Mary asked, the man jumping back a bit as he blushed.
"O-oh! Y-yes, I'm ready, dear!"
"Good!" Mary smiled as she took hold of Gene's hand and pulled him over to the table "I know you love blueberry so here's a nice slice for you!"
Before the mayor could even interject, Mary shoved a large forkful of pie in the man's mouth, the mayor savoring EVERY little bite of the pie.
He couldn't deny it; this was the BEST pie he had ever eaten in his life. As soon as it entered his mouth, a blueberry EXPLOSION of flavor filled ever sense in him and it was if he had been catapulted into pie heaven! Of course, having such a big appetite anyway, Gene was used to putting food in his mouth most of the time, but this?
This was something he had never experienced before!
Was it just because it was his favorite pie or because Mary had baked it?
No, there was something else to it!
The mayor felt a sudden buzz in the back of his head and for a second, a spark of energy hit him. For some reason, he felt energetic, powerful, UNSTOPPABLE!
And HUNGRY!
Without another word, Gene YANKED the pie from Mary's hands and dug into the rest of it, eating the entire pie pan clean in three huge forkfuls much to the surprise of the Nicelander beside him.
"Goodness, Mayor Gene!" Mary said, a little surprised that Gene would just INHALE pie like that "Slow down before you give yourself a stomach ache!"
Too late; Gene ran to the table and grabbed another blueberry pie, eating it just as fast as the other.
"Does anyone else know where the rest of the blueberry pie is?!" the man yelled sharply, much unlike him.
"Er, dear?" Mary asked, a little too nervous to approach Gene.
"H-h-h-hey!" jittered Lucy, a huge smile on her face "TH-th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-b-b-brambleberry isn't to-to-to-to-too bad!"
"IT LIKE YA GLAD!" Tony cackled, his eyes spinning out of control "LIKE YA IF MORE SOME HAVE!"
"TH-TH-TH-THANK YOU!" giggled Lucy, shoving an entire pie in her mouth and swallowing it whole!
Mary backed away as she suddenly felt a tad scared; something strange was happening and she didn't like it "Um, guys? Are you alright?"
Nel licked the pie tin of her apple pie clean, crawling onto the table and reaching for another one, "MINEMINEMINEMINEMINE!" the woman chittered, burying her face in another pie.
"PRUNELLA!" Mary shouted, a hand to her mouth in shock. Nel was NEVER this rude but there she was, crawling along the table like some sort of child as she shoved pie into her mouth, none stop!
"MY BEAUTIFUL QUEEN OF FLUFF! EAT ALL YA WANT!" shouted Norwood as he took a pie and SLAMMED it into Nel's face.
"Omnomnom-MMMMMM!" the woman yelled with an unhinged smile, leaping on Norwood and hugging him tight "Oh CAT MAN! FEED ME MORE PIE!"
Yup! Something was up and Mary knew she had to stop it before it got too out of hand!
"Gene! GENE! Something's wrong with the-!"
Mary turned just in time to see Gene sitting on butt as he shoved MORE pie into his mouth, the remains of FIFTEEN pie tins around him and he wasn't stopping, even when it appeared that his belt was losing its battle against all the treats he had eaten!
"*BWARP!* I NEED PIE TO FUEL MY TALKING MUSTACHE!" Gene roared at the top of his lungs, looking even more crazed than the others.
It was at this moment that Mary realized that the Nicelanders had made a GRAVE mistake in eating the Turbo Pies and there was a reason why Felix was the only one who could eat them. The woman backed away, watching her friends slowly go mad with pie as the continued to consume the lot.
"O-Oh dear! Maybe I should get Fe-!"
"HEY MARY!" Don shouted, remints of cherry pie all over his face and suit, his eyes down to pinpoints "DIDITELLYOUTHETIMEIWENTFISHINGANDTHENTHISHUGESHAR KCAMEUPANDBITMYBUTTANDITHURTSOBADTHATIJUSTDIDNTKNO WWHATTODOBUTIBEATTHATTHINGWITHAAPADDLEBECAUSE NO ONE MESSES WITH MOTHER FUDGIN' NICELANDER DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" the man roared as loudly as he could, suddenly running over to a tree and PULLING it out of the ground from its roots!
Mary shrieked as she fell to the ground, only to hear a massive BEAR SCREAM from the table. She looked over to the side, seeing Norwood producing the sound.
"I AM THE LUCK OF THE IRISH! TASTE MY CHEST HAIR, FLUFFIN' NUTTERS!" and with that, Norwood RIPPED off his shirt and his vest, exposing his fiery red chest hair but he didn't stop there! The freckled Nicelander then THREW himself through the window, only to run ALL the way up to the top floor and DIVE OFF with a scream, landing face first on the concrete with a horrid thud!
"NORY!" shrieked Mary!
The Nicelander's lifeless body blinked a few times before respawning a second later but Norwood was even more hyped up than ever, the man snarling and his hair all over the place!
"WHERE'S THAT FUDGIN' PIE!?"
By now, EVERYONE in Niceland was going insane! Lucy was chasing imaginary ducks, Nel was rollin around on the ground and screaming as if she were on fire, Tony was spinning through the air, and Gene…..
Gene was still on the table shoving pies in his mouth!
Mary ran over to the mayor, trying with all her might to pull him away from the pies "Mayor Gene! MAYOR GENE! STOP!"
Gene turned towards Mary, his neck cracking as he did so "I CAN'T STOP! I REQUIRE PIE OR I'LL DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"
Gene then leapt up and dive bombed through the table, only to get up and scream at the top of his lungs before busting through the front entrance of Niceland!
"I AM THE KING OF THIS FLUFFIN' CASTLE! KISS MY BUTT! OBEY MY STACHE!"
To say that Mary was horrified would be the understatement of the decade. She was TRAPPED in a game and watching helplessly as her neighbors went insane! She had to escape, but to where? From the looks of things the Turbo Pies had not only made everyone go NUTS but it had made them stronger as well, as evident as Nel, the smallest of the Nicelanders, was now busting her head through the brick wall of the apartment building, a few bricks getting stuck in her fluffy afro.
"DING DONG MOTHER FLUBBERS!" the woman cackled, her eyes looking off in different directions!
And SUCH language too! Mary was aware that the Nicelanders were all adults but even at their worst they would never say such things!
"O-OH! GUYS! STOP! THIS IS NOT LIKE US! WE-!"
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Maaaaaaaaaaaary…." droned an evil sounding voice from behind the woman. Mary's blood ran cold as she felt the clammy touch of a gloved hand on her shoulder. As she turned, she saw none other than Deanna looking at her, a sick smile on her face and a pie in her hand.
"I got strawbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery…." The woman hissed, the pie working on her as well "Your favoriiiiiiiiiiiite!"
Mary tried to escape but Deanna's hold was just too strong! She let out a scream as she fell on her bottom, her little legs kicking.
"Dee-Dee! STOP THIS! THIS ISN'T LIKE MMMPH-!"
Before another word could be said, Mary felt an ENTIRE PIE enter her mouth, unable to stop her own reflexes to prevent her from SWALLOWING it!
As the hours of the night ticked away, a wrecker and a repairman made their way back home, completely unaware of the surprise that lay in store for them.
"Ah, that cherry rootbeer really hit tha spot!" Felix said, stretching his arms.
"Meh, it was okay…" Ralph chuckled "But that vanilla? Mmm, MMM! That was good!"
"What if they mix tha two! That would really-!"
BOOM!
Ralph flinched as he felt the tremor "What was that?!"
"Oh GOODNESS!" cried Felix as he looked towards the oncoming light of the game "What if someone's vandalized tha game?!"
"WHAT!?" roared Ralph, balling his fist "Anyone try ta do that, they got another thing c-!"
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"
Before Ralph could even attempt to get out of the trolley car, something shot out towards him…and that something was a little Nicelander! The giant man let out a pained yell as he fell back, the tiny person hitting him with the force of a cannon ball!
"RALPH!" Felix shouted, looking down at the wrecker, the man knocked out cold. The repairman then heard snarling, looking to his side to see none other than Tony looking up at him like some sort of rabid dog!
"Gah! T-Tony?"
"THE PINK RABBITS SAY I AM THEIR KING! OBEY BUTT-FARTS OR PAY!" screeched a voice from afar.
Felix shook his head as he tried to find the source of the voice "E-excuse me!? BUTT-FART?! Who in their right mind would say-?!"
"KISS MY FLUFFY PURPLE BOOTY, SHARK BOOOOOOOY!"
Now THAT one REALLY put Felix over, the very sound of the word knocking the repairman from the cart! Ralph groaned as he sat up, rubbing his aching head.
"Urgh, so were they burglars?"
"Ralph…." Felix said in a thin voice as he pointed towards the apartments "LOOK."
Ralph turned his attention to the apartments, only to let out a gasp at what he saw.
There before him were all the Nicelanders, running around and going completely nuts with one another! Felix and Ralph couldn't help but stare, especially once they realized that these were the NICELANDERS who were doing so much damage, the tiny people throwing objects, punching each other, and setting things on fire for NO REASON!
Well, there WAS a reason.
And that reason was TURBO PIE!
Felix ran from the trolley over to the Nicelanders, not realizing the mistake he had made.
"GUYS! GUYS! WHAT'S GOTTEN INTA YA?! THIS ISN'T-?!"
Before Felix could say another word, he was suddenly lifted off the ground by MARY, the woman looking AWFUL in her tattered dress, her hair out of its bun and frazzled all over.
"TIME FOR ME TO KICK YOUR BEHIND, DEAR!"
"OH MY GOODNESS, MAAAAAARY!"
And then Mary threw Felix into the pond, the ducks flying for their lives as Felix splashed around.
"HEY!" Ralph cried as he ran over to the gang in anger! The Nicelanders could throw him all the wanted to, but when they turned on Felix? That was the final straw! "Ya can't just-!"
Ralph soon learned his mistake was well as a swarm of Nicelanders jumped the man, crawling all over him like rabid mice and BITING him wherever they could find exposed flesh!
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" the wrecker wailed in pain at the many bites he got "ITS LIKE BEING ATTACKED BY DEMON BABIES!"
"HABULBLHHUBLBULHLU!" blubbered Norwood, throwing his cats on Ralph, only adding to his pain "TASTE MAH PUSSY!"
"GET 'EM OFF ME!" hollered Ralph "THEY'RE RIPPIN' ME APART!"
"KEKEKEKEKEKEKE! JUST GET ME DISH LADY!" cackled Carl as he lifted and threw Pearl into a tree by her hair, the woman screaming at the top of her lungs.
"I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!" shouted Don, who was now naked and running around the yard save for his cap which somehow remained on.
Felix managed to crawl his way from the apartment, looking about in fear from the noise but as he crawled around, a flaming tennis racket nearly crashed into his skull!
"TWENTY LOVE SOMETHING SOMETHING I WIN! BOOM BOOM!" screeched Blake, the man chucking his tennis equipment EVERYWHERE!
"Ralph! RALPH!" the repair man shouted, trying his best not to get the other's attention. Ralph sprang to his feet and threw the other Nicelanders off him as he tried to run for his life!
"Oh PROGRAMMERS! I'VE HAD NIGHTMARE'S LIKE-!"
BAM!
A tv came into contact with the back of Ralph's skull, the man crying out in pain as he fell forward.
"Urrf, w-who-?!"
The giant man turned, seeing Mayor Gene standing before him and looking crazed, the only thing on his person being his martini print underwear!
"Oh no…."Ralph moaned.
Gene took a deep breath as he held his arms out, much like Ralph did at the start of the game.
"Tell me he's not…." Felix shivered, shaking his head.
Oh, but he WAS.
"I'M GONNA WRECK IT!" Gene roared, jumping right at Ralph's ankles and pulling him back "RAAAAAUGH!"
"AW NAH! AW NAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Ralph, his huge hands digging into the ground but doing nothing to keep him away from the Nicelander.
Gene was just too full on pie to even realize what he was doing but in the moment, he found the strength to take Ralph by his ankles, spin him around….
"GAAAAH!"
And THROW the man into the woods, much like how Ralph tossed the Nicelander at the start of EVERY game!
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"RALPH!" cried Felix as he ran towards the wrecker, dodging a few crazed Nicelanders in the process. To his luck, the repairman didn't have to travel far as he spotted Ralph's feet sticking out from the massive pile of bricks "Oh my land! Ralph, are ya okay?!"
"Urgh….I think I might have chipped a TOOTH!"
Felix prepared to say something but a MASSIVE explosion stopped him, the man jumping behind Ralph for protection. The wrecker dug himself out from under the bricks only to look at the ensuing chaos that was happening not too far away.
"W-what do ya think happened?!" asked a worried Felix.
"MUDDER BLUB HAGGIS TOOTIE!"
"I don't know…." Ralph said flatly "But until it's over, I ain't movin'!"
That was the best thing both men could do and a few hours later….
"Uuurgh! My HEAAAD!" moaned Norwood, crawling from the bushes, some sticks and glass stuck in his hair.
"Nngh, I feel like ran face first into a TRUCK!" whimpered Lucy, pulling herself out of the pound.
Nel rolled from under the picnic table, her hair in her face "H-Have mercy…am I DEAD?!"
"BLAAAAAARF!" came the cries from a sick Roy, the man sobbing horribly "I think I puked out all my internal organs!"
Felix and Ralph peeked over from the brick pile, noticing that the Nicelanders were now returning to normal, or as normal as one could get considering what they had been through. Mary staggered to her feet, one of her heels missing as she looked about. The headache she was suffering from us INDESCRIBABLE and the fact that she saw THREE of everyone didn't make things any better. She swayed to and from, seeing the bodies of her neighbors sprawled about.
"H-hat? Has anyone seen my ha-AURGH!"
The woman tripped over a bloated figure, the man turning over as he put his hands on his aching stomach.
"M-Mayor GENE?!" the woman said in shock as she looked down. She took the man by his cheeks, pulling him up "Oh, GRACIOUS dear! Please tell me you're still alive!"
Gene blinked, having never felt this hung over even with all the booze he normally drank "W-what was that pretty lady?"
"E-excuse me?!" asked Mary, blushing brighter than ever!
Deanna dragged herself out of the trashbin, her glasses falling off "Okay, its official! I am NEVER eating Turbo Pie again!"
Just hearing the word TURBO PIE caused Gene's stomach ache to get WORSE and with a whimper, he rolled over on his side and clutched his aching stomach.
"No more pie! NO MORE PIE! My *BWAAAAARP!* tummy hurts!" he cried.
"Wait, so ya mean they just ate Turbo Pie?!" Felix said "Hoo! For a moment, I thought someone had sold 'em somethin'!"
"W-well, it's nice to see that they weren't actin' NATURALLY…" Ralph chuckled, albeit nervously "But….but what now?"
Felix looked at the destruction that was sprawled out before him. He knew he was going to have a lot of work set out for him to repair.
BUT NOT TONIGHT!
The man sank into the bricks, wanting nothing more than to hide for cover after everything that happened. Watching the repairman disappear, Ralph followed suit.
They weren't in the mood for this shit.
"PROGRAMMERS, WHY AM I NAKED?!"