Notes: This is my first and probably only attempt at a songfic- simply because I found the song so utterly fitting of how I view Tsukasa as having been pre-anime. The song is question is "My Imaginary" by Evanescence. Italicized lines are the lyrics to the song.
And the mandatory disclaimer- .hack/SIGN and it's characters aren't mine though I want them, nor is Evanescence and it's wonderful songs- so please don't sue whomever created them, wrote them, manages them, has the rights, ect ect. Only the idea is mine. ^^;; Enjoy!
Oooooh....Paper flowers~!
"It's time for school!"
I barely hear the voice calling me from downstairs..I don't want to hear it. It belongs to a reality I don't want to be a part of...one that only hurts every time I dare enter it. What was there for me there? A raging parent who thought nothing of enforcing his words with his hand...who dominated all things in my life but this.
This was the one thing I had he couldn't ruin. Within those scant inches of screen, the haven I flee to spreads out before me- an unfurling of digital sky and grass, water born of pixels and sprites sparkling before me...Perfect. No one can ruin this for me- no matter how hard they try.
Why can't I just stay here?
I linger in the doorway... Of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name....
"Did you hear me?! Get down here- we need to get going or you'll be late!"
Odd how soft sounds can drown out the loud. The clatter of the keyboard, the clicking of the mouse...signs I'm home, my real home. No school, no angry parent, no other kids looking over at the girl sitting silent in the back of her class, whispering and creating stories to fill the void of their knowledge about her... Did I truly have to leave it?
Let me stay! Where the wind will whisper to me... Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story!
A hand closes suddenly on my shoulder, all but dragging me away from the computer. My world spins away as I'm turned from the screen to look up at him, eyes furious as he drags me to my feet and pushes me towards the door...
"I'm not paying for high school just so you can sit and skip class to play a stupid game! Get your bag and get into the car- if I hurry, I just might get you there in time!"
And then my world is shut off in the cruel flicking of a button. Gone are the brilliant skies, bright candy colors of flower and grass. There's just a hateful dark screen- reflecting the man standing before it- reflecting me cowering back from him as I grab my bag and run down the stairs before he decides there's another use for that hand than just herding me to the car.
That was not the world it was supposed to show....
In my field of paper flowers, And candy clouds of lullaby! I lie inside myself for hours, And watch my purple sky fly over me....
The car starts shakily, filling the air with a nauseating reek as I settle back into the seat...staring out the window as I watch the city come up around us....high buildings, roads of concrete and tar crossing over one another on high bridges, blocking out the light...clouds of black, blue, gray, and white rising from various vehicles we pass or drive behind..
Was this really my world? Sadly so...It wouldn't vanish when I closed my eyes. I place my hand against the cool glass of the window, willing the murky sky above- cloudy with storm and pollution, to vanish into a brilliant candy blue....the buildings to become mountains, the concrete and tar to change into wooden bridges between the rocky shelves of Dun Loireag....
Why did I have to live here with him? Why did I have to go to school with them?
Don't say I'm out of touch, With this rampant chaos - your reality!
The car comes to a jerky halt before the school. I don't wait for him to tell me- the seatbelt is already off and door opening as the words "we're here" begin to tumble from his lips..Did he think I couldn't see what was right in front of me?
"Make sure you finish your homework before you get on that damn game again! Do you hear me?!"
Yes, I hear him- how couldn't I, with him all but roaring at me as I run for the gates? And so I pass- from one storm into another. The unreasoning anger of a parent who hates everything I do replaced with the harsh laughter of other kids watching the whole event- the sly looks of other girls where they so casually stand with their friends or dates...
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge, The nightmare I built my own world to escape....
No dungeon I've ever been in can capture the horror of this place. You can see the threats there- perhaps you can't avoid them, but you know why they do it and what to expect. Walking down these halls, I keep my arms crossed over my bag- not daring to carry it on my shoulder...I can't say I can understand their enjoyment of this. Why was it so fun to torment me?
All I wanted was to be left alone. Was I asking too much in that?
I have no friends here and everyone knows it. I'm too quiet, too distant...and that makes me a target. Whispers about my arrival to the school, my father's shouting, my "game addiction" that drove him to such lengths- theories and stories are swirling everywhere. Looks disdainful, cruel, and worst of all- pitying- are leveled at me briefly then they move on...
My fifteen minutes of fame passed once again without a trace of good coming from it. What was the point of coming here? If I wanted to be treated like I wasn't worth someone's time, I'd just stay home....
In my field of paper flowers, And candy clouds of lullaby! I lie inside myself for hours, And watch my purple sky fly over me....
The day passes in a blurr like so many others. Teachers reprimanding for poor test scores, their blame being the game it's become all too obvious I play...other kids snickering and laughing at my discomfort as I try to vanish from everyone's sight...
Why can't they just let me be? I longingly picture the dungeon I had spotted today before it was time to go...a new one I had never heard of. To my mind's eye, the halls become cooridors built of flesh and bone...the thrum of feet over the tile floors it's heartbeat. The whispers are now sounds of the portals in the distance, awaiting me to trigger them and find what they hide...the scolding of teachers the screaming of monsters I've set loose already....
Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming... Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights!
The bell rings- the pleasant dream is shattered. It's time to transverse halls filled with those mocking, pitying looks and descend the steps to the prison waiting down below..my father waiting in the car for me. Wouldn't it be easy to just run away? I could turn and run here...run like I would from a monster I couldn't take...
Then come back one day when I was strong enough, and tell him what I have always thought of him...throw him away like a useless item found after his defeat. The temptation makes me linger at the top of the steps...looking down at the car. I could do it..I could....
"What are you waiting for?! Get down here so we can go home, or I'll take that computer of yours to the pawnshop! I should anyway- you'd spend less time on that damned game if I did!"
No, I can't...I'd lose my only haven if I did. And if someone found me..they'd only send me back. It'd be worse than ever before. No, all I could do was go...and return to my haven at first chance. He had an afterhours meeting tonight..for all his threats and bluster, he couldn't keep me from my world when he wasn't there.
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming... The goddess of imaginary light....
"What did I ever do to deserve any of this? First the damned office goes to hell, then you stand around like some mindless bimbo at school and make me late when I go to all the trouble of picking you up- do you want me to make you walk all the way home next time?"
The sun has turned the sky an ugly, dirty red as we pass once again through a nightmare of exhaust, concrete, steel and tar all over again... Added to this time by the unending rant going on beside me. He had had a bad day at work evidently...
Never a good thing for me. He didn't like it when things went out of his control..it made him grip all the harder those things that he could...and sometimes his grip got so fierce he broke whatever it was he held. I can't escape into daydream this time...if I fail to respond in some form or at least don't look like I'm listening, he may choose to inform me in less vocal ways what he thinks of my inattention.
Ingrate. Waste of time. Money-sink. These titles and more he tags to me as I look sometimes to him, then before us...praying for the house to appear. The prison that holds my sanctuary behind it's bars. The sooner we get there...the sooner he will leave and I can return to where I belong.....
In my field of paper flowers, And candy clouds of lullaby! I lie inside myself for hours, And watch my purple sky fly over me....
The car stops- and I'm out the door before he can get another word out, fleeing up to my room. He calls after me, angry and demanding- but he doesn't chase. He doesn't have time to. He has a meeting to go to and he can't afford to be late.
Maybe if he didn't have me to look after, he could afford to miss it. I drop onto my bed, fishing out the first text book that comes to hand...history. Good...I don't need to pretend to be writing anything important if I'm reading that. Just scribble little notes and make it seem as if I'm truly doing something from that hell he sends me to daily.
My door opens only once- not to say he's leaving, just to make sure I'm not on the computer, in my refuge. It slams shut again without a word..and I can hear the car starting up again. It pulls away and into the street..pausing a heartbeat outside the house then driving on. I learned long ago not to turn the computer on until it had moved off well down the street.
The book is abandoned as I all but leap for my chair, power returning to the computer. My personal portal away from this living nightmare to the dream I wish I could stay in. No one bothered me there. I was alone, I was safe.
Four clicks later, and Dun Loireag has spread out before me. I pause a moment..taking in the soothing skies and mountains..I can feel that bitter place called reality slipping away already. I turn to the Chaos Gate...it's golden ring and blue haze as comforting and welcoming as cool water over burned skin.
If reality will not give me what I need, it is time to see what fantasy can do to amend it. I enter the keywords I had just found the combination for this morning, and a sandy shore spreads out around me. There, in the distance, I can see the high spire marking where the dungeon lays waiting.
It's time to see what it has in store for me.
Oooooh~Paper flowers!
footnote: I'm well aware some people probably won't agree with my potrayal of Tsukasa's father in this- but I don't think it at all unreasonable given how he acted in that one episode. This was downright mild compared to that.
As to the location: If you watch the scenery in .hack//SIGN and then play .hack//INFECTION, you will recognize one of the areas Tsukasa often bumps into Mimiru at is Dun Loireag, the root town of the second server.