Moxie says: Our joint entry to the contest, year 2, in the new 'Most Like
Frasier' category. Although I suppose, technically, it should be in the
form of a script, I think the prose format lets the reader picture the
scene better. Think of it as a write up of an episode as viewed.
Vick says: A totally fresh and funny story from my partner Moxie, in which one of the 'classic' episodes of Frasier is brought back to connect with the new story in a way you'll find, I am sure, most interesting.
Enjoy this story and find out what happens when Moxie throws the snowball downhill.
All legal disclaimers apply to this work of fiction. Frasier and all of its characters belong to other very creative people and not to us who are just two fans writing for our, and hopefully your, entertainment.
The Snow Ball 2003 By Moxie and Vick Moxierick@aol.com Vickpena@yahoo.com.mx
Niles Crane unlocked the door to the apartment, balancing a bag from the open-air market in the crook of his left arm. At that moment his wife, Daphne, came down the stairs.
She was wearing a low cut blue satin blouse with fitted sleeves and tight black pants. She spotted him and smiled.
"Hi, love. How was your day?"
He closed the door. "Just fine, in fact." he turned to greet her and stopped short. "Whoa!"
Now at the bottom of the stairs, she frowned, and then realized. "Oh, this." She turned around, modeling. "Like it?"
"Like it? Are you kidding?" He walked over to her. "Are those new? I've never seen you in that outfit before."
"No, I've had it a while. I've only just been able to fit into it since my. porky period. Lost a couple of pounds recently. I've had it a few years, actually it was part of my wedding trouss." She stopped and entwined her hands, looking uncomfortable.
Niles smiled knowingly. "Daphne. Honey, you don't have to be careful about mentioning the past. I well know you planned an elaborate wedding to Donny. I was there, remember?"
She walked over to him and stroked his cheek. "I thank God every day that you were."
He smiled.
She squeezed his cheeks together, causing him to resemble a bewildered fish. "And that you finally opened your bloody big yap!" She kissed him with a loud smack, and released him.
Niles chuckled and handed her the bag.
"Post is on the sideboard. Thanks for picking these up." She shot him a grin and sauntered into the kitchen.
"Wench!" He went to the hutch and began sorting through the mail.
Daphne was loading the refrigerator with the fresh produce when she heard her husband call her.
"Daphne? Come here a minute, would you?"
She walked into the living room and saw Niles holding a fancy looking envelope.
"Look at this." He handed it to her.
She read it and gasped. "Oh, Niles. It's an invitation to.. the Snow Ball!"
"Yeah, only it's addressed to Dr. Niles Crane and. guest."
She shrugged. "Guess they don't know you got married. Say, Niles, let's go!"
He looked at her, deadpan. "You can't be serious."
"Why not? I still love to get dressed up and go dancing. With my perfect partner, of course. It'll be fun!"
"But. we don't socialize with that old crop of snobs I used to hang out with. I hardly even know those people anymore."
"Well, you're still on their mailing list. Niles, honey, it's just one night. Besides." She slipped her arms around his neck. "It's sort of. part of our history, isn't it?"
He smiled and hugged her back. "One of my favorite memories."
She kissed him. "You can call me a goddess again."
He gave her a sexy smile. "You know I only call you that when we're in bed now."
She grinned. "Yeah, usually when you're right on the verge of..."
"Daphne!"
She chuckled and decided to take advantage of the mood she was creating. Slipping her hand around the back of his head, she pulled him into a deep, lingering kiss.
When it broke, she said, "And this time. I'll go home with my dance partner. And when we get to our bedroom I'll.."
She whispered into his ear for a least a minute and his eyes slowly widened.
"God, Daphne! Wherever did you learn to talk like that?"
She pulled back and laughed. "I have eight brothers, remember? There isn't a raunchy word in the English language I don't know."
Niles cleared his throat. "Well. I learn something new about my wife every day."
"Indeed. Seriously, Niles, I really would love to go to the ball."
"Daphne, I'd truly love to take you, but." He shifted his feet. "The thing is, we might run into some. people. We could run into Maris. or Mel. It could be awkward."
She smirked. "I'd love to run into both of them."
"Oh, chance to gloat, humm?"
"Maybe."
"I didn't think you were like that."
She looked uneasy. "Oh, I'm not really, honey. But they both put you through such hell. I'd love to show them that you're happy now."
"Maris put me through hell, and enjoyed it. Mel was just. well, hurt."
"Well, she put me through hell with that public thing, never mind the names she called me. But don't worry, I'll go easy on her."
He thought a moment. "OK, why not? Give me a chance to show off my lovely bride. I will RSVP tomorrow."
She grinned and hugged him. "Oh, thank you, sweetheart! I'll start looking for a dress!"
"Why not wear the red one? I thought this was a recreation, of sorts."
"It is, but you've seen that one. I want to stun you all over again."
"You can't fail to do that. Come on, let's get dinner started."
***
Daphne was loading the dishwasher when her husband came in from the dining room, carrying some serving pieces. "Here's the rest of it."
"OK, put them over there. I'm almost finished here."
She loaded the last dishes, started the machine, and stretched. Niles finished wiping down the counter.
"Why don't I pour us each a brandy and put on some music?"
"Oh, Niles, that sounds lovely. Only, no opera, OK?"
He smirked. "You and opera."
"Don't start."
***
They sat nestled together on the sofa, sipping their cognacs. Vivaldi came from the stereo.
"Now that I can live with," she smiled.
"I always knew you had taste. So, do you have any plans for tomorrow?"
She thought. "Nothing unusual. Just the market. We're getting low on herbs and things. Why?"
"Well, I'd like to clear out the storage space upstairs. It hasn't been touched in years and there's a lot of.stuff. to get rid of."
She reared back. "Niles Crane, what has come over you lately? There's been a different project every weekend. Rearranging the library, cleaning out our clothes closets. You seem to have so much energy. Come to think of it, it seems to have started when you finished recovering from your surgery."
"You know, I think you're right. I guess it's because I feel good. In fact, come to think of it, I haven't felt this good physically in years. Maybe the heart thing was slowing me down without my knowing it."
Daphne cocked her head. "Could be. But. that wouldn't explain the new zest you've had in. the bedroom. would it?"
Niles shifted. "Well, yeah, I guess it could."
She kissed his neck. "Even those. new things you've been. trying lately? Not that I object at all, but."
"Um, well, I don't know. Maybe they just, um, came to me when I was. under sedation. or."
Daphne sat up, grinning, and slapped him gently on the arm.
"Bull!"
"Excuse me?"
"Give it up, Niles. I found the books."
Niles looked at her sheepishly. "Oh."
She chuckled. "You silly sod." She fingered his tie.
He shot her a sideways glance. "Um, did you. look at any of them?"
She sat up. "Are you kidding!? Once I found them I couldn't put them down! Why do you think we had to eat out four nights last week?"
He popped open a button of her blouse and slipped his hand inside, caressing.
"Oh, Niles." She placed her hand over his and murmured, "That's nice, love."
"So, then. Want to go upstairs and, uh. do some reading?"
"I'll get the one with the pictures! Meet you there!"
***
"The Snow Ball? You're actually going to that?"
Niles and his brother were sitting over lattes in Nervosa.
"Yes, we are. What's so crazy about that, Frasier? Daphne wants to, so I submitted."
"A rare occurrence in the Niles Crane household, I am sure."
The younger brother smiled sheepishly.
"But Niles, those people aren't you're crowd, not since you've been with Daphne. And after your last scene with Mel, they're not really mine anymore either." He raised an eyebrow.
"Frasier, I apologized for that."
Frasier waved his hand dismissively. "No matter. I guess we're not total outcasts, since we both received invitations."
"Oh, I have an idea. Why don't you join us? Scare up a date and we can double."
"For your information, Niles, I don't have to 'scare up' a date! There are plenty of attractive women in this town who'd leap at the chance to go out with me. There's. um.oh, well, there's always. and."
"Well's a bit dry, hm?" Niles sipped his coffee.
Frasier sighed. "I guess."
"Here's a thought. You could take Roz."
"Oh, right, Roz. Always my substitute for the real thing."
"Why do you put it that way, Frasier? You and Roz are good friends. And I have noticed that she sort of looks at you. that way. sometimes." Niles smirked.
Frasier humphed "And what way would that be, pray tell? Like you look at Daphne?"
"Well, yes, although. maybe not as intense."
"Oh, come on, Niles. We both know that if Roz had the hots for me I'd be a dead man by now."
Niles chuckled. "I guess you're right. But why don't you ask her anyway?"
"Oh, she's not into all that fancy stuff. Her idea of a date is pizza, Letterman, and groping on the couch!"
"Frasier, give a woman a chance to dress up and show off and she'll go for it. Trust me."
"So, you're the expert on women now, are you? Oh, I guess you're right. OK, why not, I'll ask her. She can take Daphne shopping and help her blow out your credit card."
Niles got up, looking at his watch. "I have a session. Let me know what she says. If it's yes, have her call Daphne to make that shopping date. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"See you later, Niles."
He left.
Frasier sipped the last of his coffee and looked off into the distance.
My God. The Snow Ball.
***
The elevator doors opened on the ground floor and the elegantly dressed couple stepped out. Daphne began to head for the parking garage.
"Where are you going?"
"Um. to the car?"
"Oh, we're not taking the car tonight, sweetheart. This way." He ushered her to the front door.
They stepped into the crisp night air and Daphne stopped and gasped. There was a white stretch limo at the curb with its doors open. Roz and Frasier were standing beside it.
Frasier smiled. "Daphne, Niles. Our chariot awaits."
Daphne looked at her husband, her eyes wide, and took his arm for support. "Niles, you rented this?"
He leaned into her ear. "Actually, I stole it, and kidnapped the driver. Don't say anything. The ransom note's in the mail."
She giggled. "You're a nut case! Seriously, though, this is such a surprise. Thank you, love." She pulled him into a tender kiss.
"Come on, you two," Frasier chuckled. "Make-out time's later."
"Daphne, you look great!"
"So do you, Roz."
"Why don't you two sit in back together? You'll have a chance for some girl talk."
Daphne feigned indignance. "Niles, we're grown women. We don't do girl talk. Do we, Roz?"
"Well, duh."
Daphne grinned. "Oh, well, my mistake. I guess we do. Let's get in, Roz."
She didn't see Niles beaming at her.
***
In the limo's middle seat the Crane brothers were animatedly discussing the opera they'd recently attended. In back the women were busy exploring the limo's 'accoutrements'.
"My God, Daphne, there's a TV back here. And a bar!"
Niles turned around. "Oh, yes, the champagne's uncorked. Would you mind pouring us all a glass, Roz? I would, but, you have better access."
"Say no more. Wow, real champagne glasses. flutes!"
Frasier smiled to himself. His friend wasn't so difficult to please, after all.
When all had their wine, Roz settled back in her seat and sighed.
"This is fun, guys. It's like we're high school kids going to the prom. Well, except for the champagne." She sipped.
Daphne had a glint in her eye. "Well, I have the better date. He's on the debating team, you know."
"Oh, yeah? Well, mine's president of the music appreciation club."
"Mine's master of the chess team."
"Mine plays squash."
"So does mine, and he's much more handsome."
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
Both women dissolved into fits of giggles.
"They know us well, don't they, brother?" Niles said in amusement.
"Will you two Barbie's pipe down back there? Lord, they haven't even had much to drink yet!"
Niles burst out in high pitched laughter.
Frasier sighed. "It's going to be a long night."
***
For Daphne, the ballroom seemed just as breathtaking as it had been the last time.
It was so elegant, and there were many people standing around, all, naturally, in formal attire. And all of them snobs, she assumed with a smile. Soft music was playing, and, just as the time before, all eyes were immediately focused on her.
It was much the same.
But somehow. different.
"This is so lovely. Dr. Crane!"
Niles smiled and stopped her, tugging her arm gently.
"Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?"
She chuckled. "When I was at school I had a friend named Niles. I called him Niley"
Niles adopted a pose of mock uneasiness and replied, "Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?"
They both laughed and continued toward an empty table.
"Daphne, you're a vision. Everyone is staring at you," he said.
"Well, you look awfully handsome yourself, Niles."
He snickered.
Frasier shook his head. "Prepare yourself, Roz. We are entering Daphne's and Niles' personal Twilight Zone." He grinned at his date.
She laughed and sat in the chair Frasier pulled out for her.
"Well, here we are," Frasier said, sitting next to Roz. "Daphne, I gather this brings back some fond memories."
"It does indeed, Frasier," she said, stroking Niles' hand.
"Let me clear something up this time, before we even think about dancing," Niles said to his wife, so solemnly they all looked at him. "Honey, if you hear me say 'I adore you', be assured, I am not acting!"
She smiled. "Nor I."
The group was in general good humor when suddenly a chill befell them.
"Well, well. Look who's here."
The sudden interruption to their gaiety came from behind Niles and Daphne, but even though they didn't see the person, they recognized the voice immediately
"Hello, Mel," Niles said, rising and turning around.
"As one of the hosts of this affair, I welcome you all to the 2003 Snow Ball. It's so nice to see you, Niles. And in the company of your lovely girlfriend. Hello, Daphne." Her tone dripped sarcasm, which did not go unnoticed by any at the table.
"Oh, it's Mrs. Niles Crane now, in case you haven't heard. Good evening, Mel," Daphne said, coolly but graciously. She tried to rise, but Mel placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Please, Daphne, there is no need to get up. We are old friends, aren't we?"
Roz and Frasier exchanged an uneasy look.
"And goody, Frasier is here as well, and with his comely producer." Mel smiled icily, her fingers now digging into Daphne's shoulder. "Wonderful to see you here, Doctor. It's nice to know our number one radio shrink still takes time to mingle with people of his kind." She chuckled. "Oh, I hope you don't mind my little jokes, Frasier. This champagne is so fabulous, it just goes straight to my head!"
"Evidently. Good evening, Mel."
Roz closed her eyes and grimaced. How could Niles have even dated this woman?
Daphne reached up and removed the offending hand, dropping it to Mel's side.
"Don't want to risk injuring those skilled surgeon's claws, now do we, Mel?"
Mel shifted uncomfortably. "Well, all." she swallowed. "Do have a simply fabulous evening." She looked decidedly unsettled as she walked away.
"OK, that was weird," Niles said, sinking into his seat.
"I didn't know she'd be here!" Frasier shot.
"Oh, please, Frasier," Niles said. "You heard her, she's a host. She practically lives with these people."
"What a sore loser!" Roz fired.
"Now, let's just forget about her." Daphne kissed Niles' cheek. "We came here to have a lovely time and we're going to, ok?"
The others murmured in agreement.
"So, who wants champagne?" Daphne offered. "Roz, would you help me fetch some?"
"Sure, Daph."
The women left the table.
Frasier finally exhaled. "Maybe this was a mistake."
Niles smiled and sat up straight. "No, brother, I don't think it was. It seems that my amazing wife can handle herself quite well."
Frasier wrinkled his brow. "I hope you're right, Niles. There could be other encounters this evening. You know how these people are."
Niles was now grinning. "Then let the mayhem begin!"
***
"So, Daphne, what are you going to do about her?"
Daphne stopped in front of the bar. "Who?"
Roz tossed her head in the direction Mel had taken.
"Oh, pish, Roz. She's nothing. Here, watch this," she said, and then addressed the bartender. "Four champagnes, tout de suite, s'il vous plait."
Roz grinned. "Boy, living with Niles is really affecting you!"
Daphne chuckled.
"But seriously, Daphne," Roz said and folded her arms. "She'll probably come back for more. You can't simply ignore her!"
"I can and I will," she stated and handed Roz two flutes. "I will not let that woman spoil our evening."
"She really hates you, and she's obviously still angry with Niles," Roz warned. "I wouldn't be surprised if she made it a point to let everyone know that, somehow."
Daphne headed back to the table where Frasier and Niles were talking.
"Well, I don't care. Should she try anything, we can handle her."
"Well, if you want my advice..." Roz began.
"Roz. do you remember that thing with Heather Murphy?" Daphne asked, stopping and looking at her friend.
Roz chuckled. "Point taken."
"Come on, our dates are waiting." She smiled and resumed walking.
"Here we are, gentlemen," Daphne said, sitting between Frasier and Niles.
"So, what were you two talking about?" Niles asked, taking the flutes from his wife's hands.
"Oh, you know, just more girl talk." Daphne winked at Roz, who sat down, sipping her champagne.
A waltz began playing.
Frasier promptly rose, placing his flute on the table.
"Would you like to dance, Miss?"
"Oh, sure," Roz smiled and accepted the hand he was offering. "But I must warn you, I have two left feet."
"Don't worry, Roz," Frasier said, his manner suave. "By the end of the song, you'll be dancing like a pro." He led her away.
"Those two are pretty close, aren't they?" Daphne said to her husband when they were alone.
"More than they will ever admit, I believe." Niles kissed her hand.
Daphne gave him a small smile. "So."
"What?"
She cocked her head.
"Oh. where are my manners? Would you like to dance?"
"All right. Give us a chance to keep an eye on those two."
They both rose. "Now, where have I heard that before."
Daphne laughed as they took to the floor.
***
"See? I told you he'd be here."
Mel smirked at Lois Fischer. "Thank you for sending the Cranes the invitations," she said, smiling maliciously.
"You know you can count on us, dear." Ted sipped his champagne. "I have been hoping for a chance to teach that man a lesson for the way he treated you."
"Oh, why don't you just give it up?" Henry Worth leaned in. "Look at them, it's obvious they're very much in love."
They glanced at the embracing couple swaying on the dance floor. Mel grunted.
Alan Murchy shook his head. "Henry, please...the man left Mel for that. servant!"
Henry leaned back and sighed.
***
When the orchestra took their break, the Crane party made their way back to their table, all in good spirits.
Roz was giggling as Frasier held her chair. "That was really fun, Frasier."
A waiter offered fresh glasses of champagne.
"Oh, joy, looks like the fun's just beginning." Niles grimaced as he helped Daphne into her seat, watching Ted and Lois approach the table.
"Niles, it's all right." Daphne took his hand.
"Well, if it isn't the brothers Crane and their lovely companions. Enjoying our little soiree?"
Frasier regarded him with discomfort. "Indeed, Ted. Invitation price is a bit steep, but of course, it is for a good cause."
"Here, here." Niles raised his glass.
Ted smirked. "Well, I'm sure you can both well afford it. And what a treat, Niles, your mistress here gets to ride on your coattails."
Daphne bristled. "Excuse me.? But I'm his wife."
Suddenly Roz spotted a possible ally. He was sitting at the edge of the ballroom.
The one person here who could be of help. Henry Worth.
"Please forgive my husband." Lois smiled falsely at Daphne. "He is a natural joker and sometimes goes a bit far.
Daphne smiled sweetly.
"Oh, yes," Niles said coolly. "You're very funny, Ted. Isn't he, Frasier?"
"Very droll, indeed," Frasier nodded.
"So, how is your little radio show, Dr. Crane?" Lois asked, attempting to change the subject.
"Just fine, thank you," Frasier said. "Callers have been flooding our lines all month with topics like envy and jealousy. I'll bet that's why your call didn't get through, Ted." He winked.
"I beg your pardon?" Lois asked.
"Oh, you'll have to excuse my brother in law, Mrs. Fischer," Daphne said, smiling enchantingly at the couple. "He's something of a joker himself."
Niles tried not to laugh.
"Well, then. um, do have a good time," Ted said hastily and left with his wife.
"Why don't they simply ask you to pick a gun, walk ten steps, and fire?" Roz asked.
"That would be easier," Niles admitted. "This has been most awkward."
"Darling," Daphne was beginning to look a bit uneasy. "I think I can handle it."
"We can leave if you want," Niles offered, taking her hand.
She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. "And let them win? Never!"
She rose and, grabbing his hand, dragged Niles onto the dance floor.
"She's passing the test, Frasier," Roz said.
"She is. Still, I smell a trap to humiliate those two ..." Frasier said.
"So do I."
Together, "Mel."
Frasier folded his arms. "And it doesn't take a genius to know Ted and Lois are in with her."
"What do you think they have in mind?"
"Excuse me..." A waiter was addressing Roz. "But the gentleman over there." he pointed toward the door, "asked me to tell you he'd like a word with you."
Henry Worth waved at her.
Frasier looked at Roz questioningly.
"Thank you," Roz said to the waiter and rose.
"Roz?"
"It's OK," she whispered as she walked away.
***
"Hello Roz," Henry said shaking her hand vigorously. "Fancy seeing you here."
"Hey, Henry. Not one of my usual haunts, huh?" she replied, smiling.
"Oh, dear, you're not selling more wrapping paper, are you?"
She chuckled. "Not this time, you're off the hook. So, what's up?"
"Listen," Henry lowered his voice. "I was invited here tonight by Mel and the Fischers and they have been talking about Dr. Crane and his wife all evening."
"And?" She folded her arms.
"Well, Roz, it's clear Mel is still angry with Dr. Crane. And his new wife."
"So, you heard they got married?"
"Of course, I read the papers." he said. "It seems Mel does as well. And I hear she wants revenge."
"What a bi.." Roz started.
"Now, now." Henry chuckled.
Roz raised an eyebrow. "Why are you telling me all this?"
"I like Dr. Crane and his wife, and, frankly, I think Mel deserved what she got."
"You know the whole story?" Roz asked in surprise.
"It's no secret, the talk that goes on at these affairs...." Henry said, lighting a cigar. "So, want to hear what I have in mind?"
"Sure, shoot!"
***
While Roz was listening with interest to Henry's plan, Mel stepped up to the bandstand and spoke quietly to the conductor. He nodded and resumed his task. When the number ended, he silenced his musicians.
Mel walked to the microphone and addressed the crowd, who remained on the dance floor.
"Ladies and gentlemen," she said into the mike. "I would like to welcome you all to the 2003 Seattle Snow Ball." She was greeted with polite applause and waited for it to die down, smiling demurely.
"As you may know, every year at this event we like to introduce a new couple to you, a sort of king and queen of the prom, as it were. Anyway, this year we have chosen one of Seattle's most prominent pairs. Dr. and Mrs. Niles Crane, would you come up here, please?"
Daphne gasped, her hand covering her mouth.
Niles froze and swallowed hard.
Why was he suddenly reminded of 'Carrie'?
"Come on, you two, don't be shy."
Daphne took Niles hand and led her very stiff husband to the bandstand.
Roz rushed in and found Frasier, who had made his way onto the floor.
Mel greeted the couple and guided them toward the mike.
"So, Niles and. Daphne. we hear that you got married recently, am I right?"
Daphne smiled warmly. "Yes, last September."
Niles tried to turn his grimace into a smile, of sorts.
Mel smirked. "In Reno, I hear?"
Daphne blushed. "Yes, well, we decided we didn't want to wait for. a formal wedding, all the fuss, you know."
Mel beamed. "Well, that is a bit of a shame, because, you know, they don't really check records in those quickie wedding parlors. If they had, they would have found out something a bit. awkward." She chuckled.
Daphne paled. "I'm sorry?"
The crowd was completely silent.
"Yes, they would have known that your marriage would not be legitimate. You see, Daphne, my divorce from Niles was never finalized. We are still legally married. That would, technically, make him a bigamist. And we don't live in Utah, now, do we." She laughed.
The crowd tittered nervously.
"It's not even legal in Utah!"
Roz grabbed her boss's arm. "Frasier!"
Daphne bolted from the bandstand, her hand over her eyes. Niles careened after her.
"Well," Mel exhaled. "Sorry to put a damper in the evening's festivities. Please, carry on, enjoy the rest of the evening, all." She stepped down.
***
Niles managed to catch up with Daphne in the hallway outside of the ballroom. She was crying and muttering. He enveloped her and stroked her hair.
"Daphne, honey, it's not true! I signed the papers myself!" He grabbed her shoulders and looked into her face. "You and I are legally married!"
She sniveled and calmed down. "Oh, I know, Niles. It was just that. in front of all those people."
Niles handed her his handkerchief and she dried her eyes. "And do we give a hoot about any of them? We came here for a chance to dress up and go dancing together. To recreate a special time. Does Mel matter at all?"
Daphne smiled and gave him back the handkerchief. "Not a bloody whit." She took his arm. "Shall we go back in?"
"That's my girl, Mrs. Crane."
Just then Frasier and Roz rushed toward them.
"Oh, Niles." Frasier hugged his brother while Roz attended to Daphne.
"Daph, that was awful. Are you OK?"
"I'm fine, Roz. Just a shock is all. I know she was lying."
Roz assumed an evil grin. "OK, we have to get even. My friend and I have a plan."
Niles sighed. "Oh, Roz, why don't we all just go back in and try to enjoy the rest of the evening?" He put his arm around his wife.
"Sure, go ahead, we'll catch up."
As the couple re-entered the ballroom they heard a familiar tune begin to play.
"Shall we?" Niles asked.
"Are you sure you haven't forgotten the basic rule of the tango?" Daphne said with renewed cheer.
"Our bodies must be in constant touch..." he said. "I can do that."
"I have no doubt."
With a grin, Niles guided his lovely wife back onto the dance floor.
***
Frasier folded his arms and looked at his producer.
"Ok, Roz, what's up?"
She looked over her shoulder briefly when the music began to play.
"We have to get rid of Mel," she whispered. "I can't imagine what else she could do tonight, but it could get even uglier."
"I see your point, Roz," Frasier said. "But how? You can't simply go in there and ask her to leave. She's on the committee."
"I have help," she said. "We used the same trick to drag Aunt Agnes home from the county fair."
"What do you have in mind?" Frasier asked. "Hitting her with a brick of cheese?"
Roz rolled her eyes. "Very funny, Frasier. Can't you see I am trying to do something nice for your brother and sister-in-law?"
"Oh, alright, I apologize."
"OK. and trust me, and my friend. Just stay in the background and keep Mel in sight."
***
"I don't know, sir... I could get fired for this..." The waiter looked concerned.
"Don't worry." Henry slid a twenty dollar bill across the bar. "No one will ever know."
"Well, all right." The waiter took the bill and quickly hid it under the counter.
Henry winked at Roz, who was watching from across the room.
***
Mel sat alone at a table, trying to think of her next move. She saw Niles and Daphne re-enter the room and begin dancing.
"Damn!"
"Would you like a drink, miss?" A waiter with a tray offered her a flute.
She took it and sipped the liquid hastily... and almost choked.
"What is this?" she asked when she recovered her breath.
"Oh, it's a new brand of champagne," the waiter lied. "Want to try a little more?"
Mel nodded. Whatever it was, it left a nice warm sensation as it went down her throat.
The waiter handed her another flute and walked away.
Mel drank it in one gulp.
She suddenly felt great.
"Hello."
"Oh, God, Roz," she said, regarding this member of the enemy camp. "I suppose you came over to scold me for my little prank."
"Absolutely not..." Roz sat next to a drowsy looking Mel. "I am here to lend you a sympathetic ear."
"Oh, right." Mel cupped her chin in her hand.
Roz sighed. "You know, I hate when these things happen..."
"What things, Roz?" Mel waved at the waiter with the tasty champagne. "That my personal life is a disaster? That I lost my husband of three days to a scullery maid?"
"I just want to tell you how sorry I am."
Mel tried to focus. My God, there were two Rozes.
Roz took three flutes when the waited arrived and gave one to Mel. "Here, let's have a drink!"
"You're a nice person after all, I guess," Mel said and downed another glass of tequila and club soda.
Roz replaced the flute with another, filled to the top.
"Cheers!" Roz clinked Mel's new flute and sipped hers.
"Cheers!"
Roz grabbed the waiter's arm "Don't go anywhere."
Mel finished her drink in one gulp.
***
When Mel finally passed out and her head was resting on the table, Roz leaned back. Mission accomplished.
Frasier approached her and smiled at the sight of their defeated subject.
"Good job, Roz."
"To Niles and Daphne," she said, raising her glass.
Frasier chuckled and whispered, "Thanks, friend."
They fought back laughter because they didn't want their 'sleeping beauty' to wake up.
"She's going to have one hell of a headache in the morning. What should we do with her?" Frasier asked, looking at the snoring plastic surgeon.
"Send her to Mexico?" Roz shot. "Since she's snockered on tequila she'll likely need Mexican hang-over remedies when she comes to."
"Oh, Roz, I don't have the heart to send her there."
"Why not?"
"I like Mexico!"
Again they fought back laughter. Mel continued snoring placidly.
"Do you think she got her revenge?"
Frasier grinned. "In her dreams!"
Roz sipped what was left of her drink. "You know, this stuff isn't bad. So, I think we should send her home, don't you?"
"Let's use the service entrance." Frasier said, pointing toward a door where a waiter had just walked out.
Trying to pass unnoticed with Mel slung over Frasier's shoulder, they glanced into the ballroom and saw with relief that the other guests were hypnotized by the enchanting couple pressed together in the center of the floor.
***
Frasier placed the unconscious Mel in the back seat of the taxi and gave a hundred dollar bill to the driver.
"This is for you, sir. I hope it is enough for you to take this woman to the address my companion will give you." He then looked at Roz. "I didn't know you knew where she lives."
Roz, who was now feeling a little woozy, struggled to write down the address. She handed it to the driver.
"Oh, this is too far."
"Would another three hundred cover it?" Roz asked.
"Oh, yeah, sure," the driver nodded.
"Roz!" he exclaimed, lowering his voice.
"We don't have the time to discuss it. Pay the man."
Mumbling curses, Frasier gave the driver the money and closed the car door.
Roz grabbed Frasier's arm for support and, with her free hand, waved at the speeding taxi.
Frasier burst into laughter.
"She'll have a hard time trying to figure out how she got home," he said
Roz laughed harder.
"Yeah, home. You have no idea..."
***
Credits Scene
The taxi driver is lost and is looking at a map, which is blocking the view to the back seat of his car. Change to a broad view of the taxi parked next to a road sign reading 'Welcome to Utah'.
As the taxi starts moving the camera pans the rear window where we can see Mel still sleeping soundly.
The End
Thank you for reading this story, please send feedback to Moxie and Vick
Vick says: A totally fresh and funny story from my partner Moxie, in which one of the 'classic' episodes of Frasier is brought back to connect with the new story in a way you'll find, I am sure, most interesting.
Enjoy this story and find out what happens when Moxie throws the snowball downhill.
All legal disclaimers apply to this work of fiction. Frasier and all of its characters belong to other very creative people and not to us who are just two fans writing for our, and hopefully your, entertainment.
The Snow Ball 2003 By Moxie and Vick Moxierick@aol.com Vickpena@yahoo.com.mx
Niles Crane unlocked the door to the apartment, balancing a bag from the open-air market in the crook of his left arm. At that moment his wife, Daphne, came down the stairs.
She was wearing a low cut blue satin blouse with fitted sleeves and tight black pants. She spotted him and smiled.
"Hi, love. How was your day?"
He closed the door. "Just fine, in fact." he turned to greet her and stopped short. "Whoa!"
Now at the bottom of the stairs, she frowned, and then realized. "Oh, this." She turned around, modeling. "Like it?"
"Like it? Are you kidding?" He walked over to her. "Are those new? I've never seen you in that outfit before."
"No, I've had it a while. I've only just been able to fit into it since my. porky period. Lost a couple of pounds recently. I've had it a few years, actually it was part of my wedding trouss." She stopped and entwined her hands, looking uncomfortable.
Niles smiled knowingly. "Daphne. Honey, you don't have to be careful about mentioning the past. I well know you planned an elaborate wedding to Donny. I was there, remember?"
She walked over to him and stroked his cheek. "I thank God every day that you were."
He smiled.
She squeezed his cheeks together, causing him to resemble a bewildered fish. "And that you finally opened your bloody big yap!" She kissed him with a loud smack, and released him.
Niles chuckled and handed her the bag.
"Post is on the sideboard. Thanks for picking these up." She shot him a grin and sauntered into the kitchen.
"Wench!" He went to the hutch and began sorting through the mail.
Daphne was loading the refrigerator with the fresh produce when she heard her husband call her.
"Daphne? Come here a minute, would you?"
She walked into the living room and saw Niles holding a fancy looking envelope.
"Look at this." He handed it to her.
She read it and gasped. "Oh, Niles. It's an invitation to.. the Snow Ball!"
"Yeah, only it's addressed to Dr. Niles Crane and. guest."
She shrugged. "Guess they don't know you got married. Say, Niles, let's go!"
He looked at her, deadpan. "You can't be serious."
"Why not? I still love to get dressed up and go dancing. With my perfect partner, of course. It'll be fun!"
"But. we don't socialize with that old crop of snobs I used to hang out with. I hardly even know those people anymore."
"Well, you're still on their mailing list. Niles, honey, it's just one night. Besides." She slipped her arms around his neck. "It's sort of. part of our history, isn't it?"
He smiled and hugged her back. "One of my favorite memories."
She kissed him. "You can call me a goddess again."
He gave her a sexy smile. "You know I only call you that when we're in bed now."
She grinned. "Yeah, usually when you're right on the verge of..."
"Daphne!"
She chuckled and decided to take advantage of the mood she was creating. Slipping her hand around the back of his head, she pulled him into a deep, lingering kiss.
When it broke, she said, "And this time. I'll go home with my dance partner. And when we get to our bedroom I'll.."
She whispered into his ear for a least a minute and his eyes slowly widened.
"God, Daphne! Wherever did you learn to talk like that?"
She pulled back and laughed. "I have eight brothers, remember? There isn't a raunchy word in the English language I don't know."
Niles cleared his throat. "Well. I learn something new about my wife every day."
"Indeed. Seriously, Niles, I really would love to go to the ball."
"Daphne, I'd truly love to take you, but." He shifted his feet. "The thing is, we might run into some. people. We could run into Maris. or Mel. It could be awkward."
She smirked. "I'd love to run into both of them."
"Oh, chance to gloat, humm?"
"Maybe."
"I didn't think you were like that."
She looked uneasy. "Oh, I'm not really, honey. But they both put you through such hell. I'd love to show them that you're happy now."
"Maris put me through hell, and enjoyed it. Mel was just. well, hurt."
"Well, she put me through hell with that public thing, never mind the names she called me. But don't worry, I'll go easy on her."
He thought a moment. "OK, why not? Give me a chance to show off my lovely bride. I will RSVP tomorrow."
She grinned and hugged him. "Oh, thank you, sweetheart! I'll start looking for a dress!"
"Why not wear the red one? I thought this was a recreation, of sorts."
"It is, but you've seen that one. I want to stun you all over again."
"You can't fail to do that. Come on, let's get dinner started."
***
Daphne was loading the dishwasher when her husband came in from the dining room, carrying some serving pieces. "Here's the rest of it."
"OK, put them over there. I'm almost finished here."
She loaded the last dishes, started the machine, and stretched. Niles finished wiping down the counter.
"Why don't I pour us each a brandy and put on some music?"
"Oh, Niles, that sounds lovely. Only, no opera, OK?"
He smirked. "You and opera."
"Don't start."
***
They sat nestled together on the sofa, sipping their cognacs. Vivaldi came from the stereo.
"Now that I can live with," she smiled.
"I always knew you had taste. So, do you have any plans for tomorrow?"
She thought. "Nothing unusual. Just the market. We're getting low on herbs and things. Why?"
"Well, I'd like to clear out the storage space upstairs. It hasn't been touched in years and there's a lot of.stuff. to get rid of."
She reared back. "Niles Crane, what has come over you lately? There's been a different project every weekend. Rearranging the library, cleaning out our clothes closets. You seem to have so much energy. Come to think of it, it seems to have started when you finished recovering from your surgery."
"You know, I think you're right. I guess it's because I feel good. In fact, come to think of it, I haven't felt this good physically in years. Maybe the heart thing was slowing me down without my knowing it."
Daphne cocked her head. "Could be. But. that wouldn't explain the new zest you've had in. the bedroom. would it?"
Niles shifted. "Well, yeah, I guess it could."
She kissed his neck. "Even those. new things you've been. trying lately? Not that I object at all, but."
"Um, well, I don't know. Maybe they just, um, came to me when I was. under sedation. or."
Daphne sat up, grinning, and slapped him gently on the arm.
"Bull!"
"Excuse me?"
"Give it up, Niles. I found the books."
Niles looked at her sheepishly. "Oh."
She chuckled. "You silly sod." She fingered his tie.
He shot her a sideways glance. "Um, did you. look at any of them?"
She sat up. "Are you kidding!? Once I found them I couldn't put them down! Why do you think we had to eat out four nights last week?"
He popped open a button of her blouse and slipped his hand inside, caressing.
"Oh, Niles." She placed her hand over his and murmured, "That's nice, love."
"So, then. Want to go upstairs and, uh. do some reading?"
"I'll get the one with the pictures! Meet you there!"
***
"The Snow Ball? You're actually going to that?"
Niles and his brother were sitting over lattes in Nervosa.
"Yes, we are. What's so crazy about that, Frasier? Daphne wants to, so I submitted."
"A rare occurrence in the Niles Crane household, I am sure."
The younger brother smiled sheepishly.
"But Niles, those people aren't you're crowd, not since you've been with Daphne. And after your last scene with Mel, they're not really mine anymore either." He raised an eyebrow.
"Frasier, I apologized for that."
Frasier waved his hand dismissively. "No matter. I guess we're not total outcasts, since we both received invitations."
"Oh, I have an idea. Why don't you join us? Scare up a date and we can double."
"For your information, Niles, I don't have to 'scare up' a date! There are plenty of attractive women in this town who'd leap at the chance to go out with me. There's. um.oh, well, there's always. and."
"Well's a bit dry, hm?" Niles sipped his coffee.
Frasier sighed. "I guess."
"Here's a thought. You could take Roz."
"Oh, right, Roz. Always my substitute for the real thing."
"Why do you put it that way, Frasier? You and Roz are good friends. And I have noticed that she sort of looks at you. that way. sometimes." Niles smirked.
Frasier humphed "And what way would that be, pray tell? Like you look at Daphne?"
"Well, yes, although. maybe not as intense."
"Oh, come on, Niles. We both know that if Roz had the hots for me I'd be a dead man by now."
Niles chuckled. "I guess you're right. But why don't you ask her anyway?"
"Oh, she's not into all that fancy stuff. Her idea of a date is pizza, Letterman, and groping on the couch!"
"Frasier, give a woman a chance to dress up and show off and she'll go for it. Trust me."
"So, you're the expert on women now, are you? Oh, I guess you're right. OK, why not, I'll ask her. She can take Daphne shopping and help her blow out your credit card."
Niles got up, looking at his watch. "I have a session. Let me know what she says. If it's yes, have her call Daphne to make that shopping date. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"See you later, Niles."
He left.
Frasier sipped the last of his coffee and looked off into the distance.
My God. The Snow Ball.
***
The elevator doors opened on the ground floor and the elegantly dressed couple stepped out. Daphne began to head for the parking garage.
"Where are you going?"
"Um. to the car?"
"Oh, we're not taking the car tonight, sweetheart. This way." He ushered her to the front door.
They stepped into the crisp night air and Daphne stopped and gasped. There was a white stretch limo at the curb with its doors open. Roz and Frasier were standing beside it.
Frasier smiled. "Daphne, Niles. Our chariot awaits."
Daphne looked at her husband, her eyes wide, and took his arm for support. "Niles, you rented this?"
He leaned into her ear. "Actually, I stole it, and kidnapped the driver. Don't say anything. The ransom note's in the mail."
She giggled. "You're a nut case! Seriously, though, this is such a surprise. Thank you, love." She pulled him into a tender kiss.
"Come on, you two," Frasier chuckled. "Make-out time's later."
"Daphne, you look great!"
"So do you, Roz."
"Why don't you two sit in back together? You'll have a chance for some girl talk."
Daphne feigned indignance. "Niles, we're grown women. We don't do girl talk. Do we, Roz?"
"Well, duh."
Daphne grinned. "Oh, well, my mistake. I guess we do. Let's get in, Roz."
She didn't see Niles beaming at her.
***
In the limo's middle seat the Crane brothers were animatedly discussing the opera they'd recently attended. In back the women were busy exploring the limo's 'accoutrements'.
"My God, Daphne, there's a TV back here. And a bar!"
Niles turned around. "Oh, yes, the champagne's uncorked. Would you mind pouring us all a glass, Roz? I would, but, you have better access."
"Say no more. Wow, real champagne glasses. flutes!"
Frasier smiled to himself. His friend wasn't so difficult to please, after all.
When all had their wine, Roz settled back in her seat and sighed.
"This is fun, guys. It's like we're high school kids going to the prom. Well, except for the champagne." She sipped.
Daphne had a glint in her eye. "Well, I have the better date. He's on the debating team, you know."
"Oh, yeah? Well, mine's president of the music appreciation club."
"Mine's master of the chess team."
"Mine plays squash."
"So does mine, and he's much more handsome."
"Is not!"
"Is too!"
Both women dissolved into fits of giggles.
"They know us well, don't they, brother?" Niles said in amusement.
"Will you two Barbie's pipe down back there? Lord, they haven't even had much to drink yet!"
Niles burst out in high pitched laughter.
Frasier sighed. "It's going to be a long night."
***
For Daphne, the ballroom seemed just as breathtaking as it had been the last time.
It was so elegant, and there were many people standing around, all, naturally, in formal attire. And all of them snobs, she assumed with a smile. Soft music was playing, and, just as the time before, all eyes were immediately focused on her.
It was much the same.
But somehow. different.
"This is so lovely. Dr. Crane!"
Niles smiled and stopped her, tugging her arm gently.
"Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?"
She chuckled. "When I was at school I had a friend named Niles. I called him Niley"
Niles adopted a pose of mock uneasiness and replied, "Just for tonight, could you call me Niles?"
They both laughed and continued toward an empty table.
"Daphne, you're a vision. Everyone is staring at you," he said.
"Well, you look awfully handsome yourself, Niles."
He snickered.
Frasier shook his head. "Prepare yourself, Roz. We are entering Daphne's and Niles' personal Twilight Zone." He grinned at his date.
She laughed and sat in the chair Frasier pulled out for her.
"Well, here we are," Frasier said, sitting next to Roz. "Daphne, I gather this brings back some fond memories."
"It does indeed, Frasier," she said, stroking Niles' hand.
"Let me clear something up this time, before we even think about dancing," Niles said to his wife, so solemnly they all looked at him. "Honey, if you hear me say 'I adore you', be assured, I am not acting!"
She smiled. "Nor I."
The group was in general good humor when suddenly a chill befell them.
"Well, well. Look who's here."
The sudden interruption to their gaiety came from behind Niles and Daphne, but even though they didn't see the person, they recognized the voice immediately
"Hello, Mel," Niles said, rising and turning around.
"As one of the hosts of this affair, I welcome you all to the 2003 Snow Ball. It's so nice to see you, Niles. And in the company of your lovely girlfriend. Hello, Daphne." Her tone dripped sarcasm, which did not go unnoticed by any at the table.
"Oh, it's Mrs. Niles Crane now, in case you haven't heard. Good evening, Mel," Daphne said, coolly but graciously. She tried to rise, but Mel placed a hand on her shoulder.
"Please, Daphne, there is no need to get up. We are old friends, aren't we?"
Roz and Frasier exchanged an uneasy look.
"And goody, Frasier is here as well, and with his comely producer." Mel smiled icily, her fingers now digging into Daphne's shoulder. "Wonderful to see you here, Doctor. It's nice to know our number one radio shrink still takes time to mingle with people of his kind." She chuckled. "Oh, I hope you don't mind my little jokes, Frasier. This champagne is so fabulous, it just goes straight to my head!"
"Evidently. Good evening, Mel."
Roz closed her eyes and grimaced. How could Niles have even dated this woman?
Daphne reached up and removed the offending hand, dropping it to Mel's side.
"Don't want to risk injuring those skilled surgeon's claws, now do we, Mel?"
Mel shifted uncomfortably. "Well, all." she swallowed. "Do have a simply fabulous evening." She looked decidedly unsettled as she walked away.
"OK, that was weird," Niles said, sinking into his seat.
"I didn't know she'd be here!" Frasier shot.
"Oh, please, Frasier," Niles said. "You heard her, she's a host. She practically lives with these people."
"What a sore loser!" Roz fired.
"Now, let's just forget about her." Daphne kissed Niles' cheek. "We came here to have a lovely time and we're going to, ok?"
The others murmured in agreement.
"So, who wants champagne?" Daphne offered. "Roz, would you help me fetch some?"
"Sure, Daph."
The women left the table.
Frasier finally exhaled. "Maybe this was a mistake."
Niles smiled and sat up straight. "No, brother, I don't think it was. It seems that my amazing wife can handle herself quite well."
Frasier wrinkled his brow. "I hope you're right, Niles. There could be other encounters this evening. You know how these people are."
Niles was now grinning. "Then let the mayhem begin!"
***
"So, Daphne, what are you going to do about her?"
Daphne stopped in front of the bar. "Who?"
Roz tossed her head in the direction Mel had taken.
"Oh, pish, Roz. She's nothing. Here, watch this," she said, and then addressed the bartender. "Four champagnes, tout de suite, s'il vous plait."
Roz grinned. "Boy, living with Niles is really affecting you!"
Daphne chuckled.
"But seriously, Daphne," Roz said and folded her arms. "She'll probably come back for more. You can't simply ignore her!"
"I can and I will," she stated and handed Roz two flutes. "I will not let that woman spoil our evening."
"She really hates you, and she's obviously still angry with Niles," Roz warned. "I wouldn't be surprised if she made it a point to let everyone know that, somehow."
Daphne headed back to the table where Frasier and Niles were talking.
"Well, I don't care. Should she try anything, we can handle her."
"Well, if you want my advice..." Roz began.
"Roz. do you remember that thing with Heather Murphy?" Daphne asked, stopping and looking at her friend.
Roz chuckled. "Point taken."
"Come on, our dates are waiting." She smiled and resumed walking.
"Here we are, gentlemen," Daphne said, sitting between Frasier and Niles.
"So, what were you two talking about?" Niles asked, taking the flutes from his wife's hands.
"Oh, you know, just more girl talk." Daphne winked at Roz, who sat down, sipping her champagne.
A waltz began playing.
Frasier promptly rose, placing his flute on the table.
"Would you like to dance, Miss?"
"Oh, sure," Roz smiled and accepted the hand he was offering. "But I must warn you, I have two left feet."
"Don't worry, Roz," Frasier said, his manner suave. "By the end of the song, you'll be dancing like a pro." He led her away.
"Those two are pretty close, aren't they?" Daphne said to her husband when they were alone.
"More than they will ever admit, I believe." Niles kissed her hand.
Daphne gave him a small smile. "So."
"What?"
She cocked her head.
"Oh. where are my manners? Would you like to dance?"
"All right. Give us a chance to keep an eye on those two."
They both rose. "Now, where have I heard that before."
Daphne laughed as they took to the floor.
***
"See? I told you he'd be here."
Mel smirked at Lois Fischer. "Thank you for sending the Cranes the invitations," she said, smiling maliciously.
"You know you can count on us, dear." Ted sipped his champagne. "I have been hoping for a chance to teach that man a lesson for the way he treated you."
"Oh, why don't you just give it up?" Henry Worth leaned in. "Look at them, it's obvious they're very much in love."
They glanced at the embracing couple swaying on the dance floor. Mel grunted.
Alan Murchy shook his head. "Henry, please...the man left Mel for that. servant!"
Henry leaned back and sighed.
***
When the orchestra took their break, the Crane party made their way back to their table, all in good spirits.
Roz was giggling as Frasier held her chair. "That was really fun, Frasier."
A waiter offered fresh glasses of champagne.
"Oh, joy, looks like the fun's just beginning." Niles grimaced as he helped Daphne into her seat, watching Ted and Lois approach the table.
"Niles, it's all right." Daphne took his hand.
"Well, if it isn't the brothers Crane and their lovely companions. Enjoying our little soiree?"
Frasier regarded him with discomfort. "Indeed, Ted. Invitation price is a bit steep, but of course, it is for a good cause."
"Here, here." Niles raised his glass.
Ted smirked. "Well, I'm sure you can both well afford it. And what a treat, Niles, your mistress here gets to ride on your coattails."
Daphne bristled. "Excuse me.? But I'm his wife."
Suddenly Roz spotted a possible ally. He was sitting at the edge of the ballroom.
The one person here who could be of help. Henry Worth.
"Please forgive my husband." Lois smiled falsely at Daphne. "He is a natural joker and sometimes goes a bit far.
Daphne smiled sweetly.
"Oh, yes," Niles said coolly. "You're very funny, Ted. Isn't he, Frasier?"
"Very droll, indeed," Frasier nodded.
"So, how is your little radio show, Dr. Crane?" Lois asked, attempting to change the subject.
"Just fine, thank you," Frasier said. "Callers have been flooding our lines all month with topics like envy and jealousy. I'll bet that's why your call didn't get through, Ted." He winked.
"I beg your pardon?" Lois asked.
"Oh, you'll have to excuse my brother in law, Mrs. Fischer," Daphne said, smiling enchantingly at the couple. "He's something of a joker himself."
Niles tried not to laugh.
"Well, then. um, do have a good time," Ted said hastily and left with his wife.
"Why don't they simply ask you to pick a gun, walk ten steps, and fire?" Roz asked.
"That would be easier," Niles admitted. "This has been most awkward."
"Darling," Daphne was beginning to look a bit uneasy. "I think I can handle it."
"We can leave if you want," Niles offered, taking her hand.
She smiled and kissed him on the cheek. "And let them win? Never!"
She rose and, grabbing his hand, dragged Niles onto the dance floor.
"She's passing the test, Frasier," Roz said.
"She is. Still, I smell a trap to humiliate those two ..." Frasier said.
"So do I."
Together, "Mel."
Frasier folded his arms. "And it doesn't take a genius to know Ted and Lois are in with her."
"What do you think they have in mind?"
"Excuse me..." A waiter was addressing Roz. "But the gentleman over there." he pointed toward the door, "asked me to tell you he'd like a word with you."
Henry Worth waved at her.
Frasier looked at Roz questioningly.
"Thank you," Roz said to the waiter and rose.
"Roz?"
"It's OK," she whispered as she walked away.
***
"Hello Roz," Henry said shaking her hand vigorously. "Fancy seeing you here."
"Hey, Henry. Not one of my usual haunts, huh?" she replied, smiling.
"Oh, dear, you're not selling more wrapping paper, are you?"
She chuckled. "Not this time, you're off the hook. So, what's up?"
"Listen," Henry lowered his voice. "I was invited here tonight by Mel and the Fischers and they have been talking about Dr. Crane and his wife all evening."
"And?" She folded her arms.
"Well, Roz, it's clear Mel is still angry with Dr. Crane. And his new wife."
"So, you heard they got married?"
"Of course, I read the papers." he said. "It seems Mel does as well. And I hear she wants revenge."
"What a bi.." Roz started.
"Now, now." Henry chuckled.
Roz raised an eyebrow. "Why are you telling me all this?"
"I like Dr. Crane and his wife, and, frankly, I think Mel deserved what she got."
"You know the whole story?" Roz asked in surprise.
"It's no secret, the talk that goes on at these affairs...." Henry said, lighting a cigar. "So, want to hear what I have in mind?"
"Sure, shoot!"
***
While Roz was listening with interest to Henry's plan, Mel stepped up to the bandstand and spoke quietly to the conductor. He nodded and resumed his task. When the number ended, he silenced his musicians.
Mel walked to the microphone and addressed the crowd, who remained on the dance floor.
"Ladies and gentlemen," she said into the mike. "I would like to welcome you all to the 2003 Seattle Snow Ball." She was greeted with polite applause and waited for it to die down, smiling demurely.
"As you may know, every year at this event we like to introduce a new couple to you, a sort of king and queen of the prom, as it were. Anyway, this year we have chosen one of Seattle's most prominent pairs. Dr. and Mrs. Niles Crane, would you come up here, please?"
Daphne gasped, her hand covering her mouth.
Niles froze and swallowed hard.
Why was he suddenly reminded of 'Carrie'?
"Come on, you two, don't be shy."
Daphne took Niles hand and led her very stiff husband to the bandstand.
Roz rushed in and found Frasier, who had made his way onto the floor.
Mel greeted the couple and guided them toward the mike.
"So, Niles and. Daphne. we hear that you got married recently, am I right?"
Daphne smiled warmly. "Yes, last September."
Niles tried to turn his grimace into a smile, of sorts.
Mel smirked. "In Reno, I hear?"
Daphne blushed. "Yes, well, we decided we didn't want to wait for. a formal wedding, all the fuss, you know."
Mel beamed. "Well, that is a bit of a shame, because, you know, they don't really check records in those quickie wedding parlors. If they had, they would have found out something a bit. awkward." She chuckled.
Daphne paled. "I'm sorry?"
The crowd was completely silent.
"Yes, they would have known that your marriage would not be legitimate. You see, Daphne, my divorce from Niles was never finalized. We are still legally married. That would, technically, make him a bigamist. And we don't live in Utah, now, do we." She laughed.
The crowd tittered nervously.
"It's not even legal in Utah!"
Roz grabbed her boss's arm. "Frasier!"
Daphne bolted from the bandstand, her hand over her eyes. Niles careened after her.
"Well," Mel exhaled. "Sorry to put a damper in the evening's festivities. Please, carry on, enjoy the rest of the evening, all." She stepped down.
***
Niles managed to catch up with Daphne in the hallway outside of the ballroom. She was crying and muttering. He enveloped her and stroked her hair.
"Daphne, honey, it's not true! I signed the papers myself!" He grabbed her shoulders and looked into her face. "You and I are legally married!"
She sniveled and calmed down. "Oh, I know, Niles. It was just that. in front of all those people."
Niles handed her his handkerchief and she dried her eyes. "And do we give a hoot about any of them? We came here for a chance to dress up and go dancing together. To recreate a special time. Does Mel matter at all?"
Daphne smiled and gave him back the handkerchief. "Not a bloody whit." She took his arm. "Shall we go back in?"
"That's my girl, Mrs. Crane."
Just then Frasier and Roz rushed toward them.
"Oh, Niles." Frasier hugged his brother while Roz attended to Daphne.
"Daph, that was awful. Are you OK?"
"I'm fine, Roz. Just a shock is all. I know she was lying."
Roz assumed an evil grin. "OK, we have to get even. My friend and I have a plan."
Niles sighed. "Oh, Roz, why don't we all just go back in and try to enjoy the rest of the evening?" He put his arm around his wife.
"Sure, go ahead, we'll catch up."
As the couple re-entered the ballroom they heard a familiar tune begin to play.
"Shall we?" Niles asked.
"Are you sure you haven't forgotten the basic rule of the tango?" Daphne said with renewed cheer.
"Our bodies must be in constant touch..." he said. "I can do that."
"I have no doubt."
With a grin, Niles guided his lovely wife back onto the dance floor.
***
Frasier folded his arms and looked at his producer.
"Ok, Roz, what's up?"
She looked over her shoulder briefly when the music began to play.
"We have to get rid of Mel," she whispered. "I can't imagine what else she could do tonight, but it could get even uglier."
"I see your point, Roz," Frasier said. "But how? You can't simply go in there and ask her to leave. She's on the committee."
"I have help," she said. "We used the same trick to drag Aunt Agnes home from the county fair."
"What do you have in mind?" Frasier asked. "Hitting her with a brick of cheese?"
Roz rolled her eyes. "Very funny, Frasier. Can't you see I am trying to do something nice for your brother and sister-in-law?"
"Oh, alright, I apologize."
"OK. and trust me, and my friend. Just stay in the background and keep Mel in sight."
***
"I don't know, sir... I could get fired for this..." The waiter looked concerned.
"Don't worry." Henry slid a twenty dollar bill across the bar. "No one will ever know."
"Well, all right." The waiter took the bill and quickly hid it under the counter.
Henry winked at Roz, who was watching from across the room.
***
Mel sat alone at a table, trying to think of her next move. She saw Niles and Daphne re-enter the room and begin dancing.
"Damn!"
"Would you like a drink, miss?" A waiter with a tray offered her a flute.
She took it and sipped the liquid hastily... and almost choked.
"What is this?" she asked when she recovered her breath.
"Oh, it's a new brand of champagne," the waiter lied. "Want to try a little more?"
Mel nodded. Whatever it was, it left a nice warm sensation as it went down her throat.
The waiter handed her another flute and walked away.
Mel drank it in one gulp.
She suddenly felt great.
"Hello."
"Oh, God, Roz," she said, regarding this member of the enemy camp. "I suppose you came over to scold me for my little prank."
"Absolutely not..." Roz sat next to a drowsy looking Mel. "I am here to lend you a sympathetic ear."
"Oh, right." Mel cupped her chin in her hand.
Roz sighed. "You know, I hate when these things happen..."
"What things, Roz?" Mel waved at the waiter with the tasty champagne. "That my personal life is a disaster? That I lost my husband of three days to a scullery maid?"
"I just want to tell you how sorry I am."
Mel tried to focus. My God, there were two Rozes.
Roz took three flutes when the waited arrived and gave one to Mel. "Here, let's have a drink!"
"You're a nice person after all, I guess," Mel said and downed another glass of tequila and club soda.
Roz replaced the flute with another, filled to the top.
"Cheers!" Roz clinked Mel's new flute and sipped hers.
"Cheers!"
Roz grabbed the waiter's arm "Don't go anywhere."
Mel finished her drink in one gulp.
***
When Mel finally passed out and her head was resting on the table, Roz leaned back. Mission accomplished.
Frasier approached her and smiled at the sight of their defeated subject.
"Good job, Roz."
"To Niles and Daphne," she said, raising her glass.
Frasier chuckled and whispered, "Thanks, friend."
They fought back laughter because they didn't want their 'sleeping beauty' to wake up.
"She's going to have one hell of a headache in the morning. What should we do with her?" Frasier asked, looking at the snoring plastic surgeon.
"Send her to Mexico?" Roz shot. "Since she's snockered on tequila she'll likely need Mexican hang-over remedies when she comes to."
"Oh, Roz, I don't have the heart to send her there."
"Why not?"
"I like Mexico!"
Again they fought back laughter. Mel continued snoring placidly.
"Do you think she got her revenge?"
Frasier grinned. "In her dreams!"
Roz sipped what was left of her drink. "You know, this stuff isn't bad. So, I think we should send her home, don't you?"
"Let's use the service entrance." Frasier said, pointing toward a door where a waiter had just walked out.
Trying to pass unnoticed with Mel slung over Frasier's shoulder, they glanced into the ballroom and saw with relief that the other guests were hypnotized by the enchanting couple pressed together in the center of the floor.
***
Frasier placed the unconscious Mel in the back seat of the taxi and gave a hundred dollar bill to the driver.
"This is for you, sir. I hope it is enough for you to take this woman to the address my companion will give you." He then looked at Roz. "I didn't know you knew where she lives."
Roz, who was now feeling a little woozy, struggled to write down the address. She handed it to the driver.
"Oh, this is too far."
"Would another three hundred cover it?" Roz asked.
"Oh, yeah, sure," the driver nodded.
"Roz!" he exclaimed, lowering his voice.
"We don't have the time to discuss it. Pay the man."
Mumbling curses, Frasier gave the driver the money and closed the car door.
Roz grabbed Frasier's arm for support and, with her free hand, waved at the speeding taxi.
Frasier burst into laughter.
"She'll have a hard time trying to figure out how she got home," he said
Roz laughed harder.
"Yeah, home. You have no idea..."
***
Credits Scene
The taxi driver is lost and is looking at a map, which is blocking the view to the back seat of his car. Change to a broad view of the taxi parked next to a road sign reading 'Welcome to Utah'.
As the taxi starts moving the camera pans the rear window where we can see Mel still sleeping soundly.
The End
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