A/N: This was my first attempt at a Shawn/Cena. The whole "Cena might leave Raw and go to Smackdown" made this idea work and the muses wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. It takes place the week before bragging rights after Cena's match with Hunter since I was kinda curious why Shawn wasn't out there. I hope I've did a good job with it since I was hit with a nice sized writer's block right in the middle. Enjoy everybody!
Disclaimer: I still don't own any person or song mentioned in this fic. I'd be perfectly happy if I could just own Shawn though.
Summary: After a bad break up in 2007, Shawn and John's relationship was never the same. When the possibility of John leaving Raw arises he decides to clear the air about what happened, but will their words lead to more than just sealing the growing rift between them? Slash! Shawn/Cena and implied Shawter.
John entered back through the curtain and sighed, but quickly put a smile back on his face as he was surrounded by his friends and colleagues. All he heard was "Good job tonight!" and "Fantastic match!" Even while chatting with the guys, his eyes scanned the room for the one person he had yet to see.
He calmly walked over to Hunter, who turned and faced him with a grin. "Hey. You really did a great job tonight man."
John grinned back, "Thanks a lot." He paused and looked at him shyly. "Have you seen Shawn anywhere?"
The flash of possessiveness in Hunter's eyes didn't go unnoticed. "He should be in our dressing room. He said he didn't want to come out with me because of his match with Chris later tonight. Everything alright?"
"Yeah. I just wanted to talk to him about something. Since tonight is supposed to be my last night on Raw."
Hunter laughed and playfully punched him on the shoulder. "Oh please Cena. You know damn well you'll be here next Monday with gold around your waist."
"I hope so." He muttered softly as he walked off. It's not that he would mind leaving Raw itself, especially with how the show was going now. It was the people he knew he would really miss. His best friends were on Raw, and of course there was Shawn. What he wouldn't give to have one more chance with the sexy blonde.
As John stood outside the green spray painted door, his hand raised and ready to knock, he wondered what exactly he was doing. Shawn was the one that threw him aside as soon as Hunter came back from his injury in 2007. Even though Shawn had made it clear to him that he was only there to fill time, why was there always this feeling that he meant more to Shawn than he would let on. The lingering looks, the hesitant touches. Their chemistry together seemed it could go off the charts.
I have to do this. John thought. If this is really my last night on Raw I have to clear the air with him. This has been building for far too long. He looked at the door sadly once more before finally gathering the courage to knock. But I guess they don't call him the heartbreak kid for nothing. He waited patiently until he heard a voice call out.
"Come in!"
John walked in to the sight of Shawn getting ready for his match. He was sitting in front of a mirror, brushing his hair into his normal half ponytail.
"You know you should really keep your hair down. It looks better that way and it wouldn't get as messy." John said.
Shawn blinked in surprise and turned around. "What are you doing in here? Did you need something?"
"You weren't at ringside for Hunter's match tonight. Its not like you not to support your lover."
"I'm sure Hunter told you why I wasn't out there. Did you really come here to lecture me on not being at ringside tonight?"
John sighed. "No. I need to talk to you."
"About what?" He asked curiously.
"You know what. Every since Hunter came back we've been walking on eggshells around each other, and since there's a really good chance I might be sent to Smackdown I wanted to clear things up between us."
"John what is there to clear up? Hunter was gone. I was lonely and you were there. What more is there to it?"
He scoffed. "Oh I don't know. Maybe we could go over the part when you said I could trust you? Oh! How about the part when you said that when Hunter came back you would end things with him?" He paused and then said softly. "What about when you said you loved me?"
I know that your hiding things
Using gentle words to shelter me
Your words were like a dream
But dreams could never fool me
Not that easily
"John...you're a great guy and anyone would be lucky to have you but I love Hunter. We've been together for so long and there's so much history between us. I can't throw that all away for someone at the drop of a hat."
"We were together almost a year Shawn. A fuckin year!" Sadness and anger radiated off of John like waves and Shawn had to take a step back at the intensity of it. "I knew you were lying to me, but I made my self forget that because I really wanted to believe in you. I wanted to believe you were telling me the truth, that you wouldn't play with my heart like this. I guess I was wrong."
I acted so distant then
Didn't say goodbye before you left
But I was listening
You'll fight your battles far from me
Far too easily
Shawn stared at him in shock. He had always said that after the the disappointments and pain he's faced, he would never put someone through the same thing. Yet, he had done the one thing he had promised himself he would never do. Now he had to face up to what he had done.
"I'm sorry John. You may not understand, but I did what I had to do. If I hadn't ended this," He gestured between the two of them. "You would have been hurt that much more. You don't need me John. You don't love me. You just think you do. We got what we needed from each other at the time. Why can't you let this go and move on with your life?"
"You were my life! I loved you Shawn and I still do. You can say whatever you want to make me think otherwise, but I know you felt something for me. You're not that heartless!" At that moment John couldn't stand to look at Shawn. It was as if all the emotions he had wanted to control just exploded. "Just because I'm younger than you doesn't mean you can treat me like a child."
"Save your tears cause I'll come back"
I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door
But still I still I swore
To hide the pain when I turn back the pages
What if I'd cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart
But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart
The room grew quiet after John's outburst. The chain gang commander concentrated on the floor, while Shawn's gaze was attached to the mirror in front of him. The tension in the room was thick, as so many words were left hanging in the air, just waiting to be said.
"Nobody's immune to having their heart broken, especially you. I know you understand how I felt that night when you ran right past me and into Hunter's arms. I tried to keep believing you wouldn't just leave without any explanation, but whenever I looked for a reason for what you did I just grew angrier. When Vince told me he was thinking of sending me to Smackdown, I couldn't hold this in anymore."
Though a thousand words
Have never been spoken
They'll fly to you
Crossing over the time and distance holding you
Suspended on sliver wings
Shawn took a shaky breath before hesitantly turning to face John. " You just can't leave things unsaid can you?"
John chuckled. "No. You wouldn't like me nearly as much if I did."
"Why did you feel the need to tell me this now?! How can you just come to me with this and then leave right after. This isn't fair!"
"You're right it's not, but you weren't fair to me either. If I'm not here I want you to always have these words. Thinking of them may hurt at first, but no matter how much you don't want them, I want something of mine to be with you always."
And a thousand words
One thousand confessions
Will cradle you
Making all of the pain you feel seem far away
They'll hold you forever
"Shawn..." John started. "I know we were together for a year and that could never compare to what you have with Hunter, but we've been through a lot together too. I thought I meant something to you. I need this. It's impossible for me to just move on and forget everything. I want you to prove to me that you really don't love me because right now I'm hearing the words, but they aren't meaning much."
Shawn's eyes narrowed slightly. "I don't have anything to prove to you. You can say and believe whatever you want, but that doesn't change facts. We're over and will always be over." He got up and went over to the door to open it, only to be pulled back into a strong pair of arms.
John spun him around so they were looking face to face. Shawn was instantly mesmerized by John's bright blue eyes. A feature he could never get tired of in the other man. "I would listen to you and do whatever you wanted while we were together. Now it's time for you to do something for me. I need you to listen to me."
The dream isn't over yet
Though I often say I can't forget
I still relieve that day
"You've been there with me all the way"
I still hear you say
John smiled sadly as he continued, "I know you're still lying to me, but this time I'm happy about it. When you told me to be patient, that you would break things off with Hunter soon and never did, I didn't push it because I knew if I couldn't have you as a lover I still wanted you as a friend. I guess that's what stopped me from fighting for you all this time. I wouldn't be doing this if I thought I had no chance, but tell me Shawny, are you really happy?"
Shawn was taken back. Hunter had found found out about him and John as soon as he came back and was completely fine with it. He couldn't fault him for something he had did himself. Though his increased jealousy and aggressiveness when John was around spoke volumes. Things had never been the same after his little affair with John and now after hearing him say all of this, he couldn't say he didn't mind.
"I don't know. You've got me so confused. I don't know what to think anymore!" He rested his head against the broad chest in front of him and sighed. "Maybe I am lying to myself."
"Wait for me I'll write you letters"
I could see how you stammered with your eyes to the floor
But still I swore to hide the doubt
When I turn back the pages
Anger might have been the answer
What if I'd hung my head and said that I couldn't wait
But now I'm strong enough to know it's not too late
"I was telling the truth. You were just there to keep me from being lonely until Hunter came back, but then I started to grow attached to you and those feelings scared me. I had been with one person for so long I couldn't deal with being attracted to someone else again."
"For me I guess it was a bit of fan worship. I mean, here was the icon, the showstopper and he wanted me. Who wouldn't want to keep you all to themselves. You say you love Hunter, but you can't say you're happy with him. Give us a chance Shawn. You seem to need this as much as I do. You can't tell me that nothing I've said hasn't gotten through to you."
Cause a thousand words
Call out through the ages
They'll fly to you
Even though we can't see I know they're reaching you
Suspended on sliver wings
Shawn shook his head and pushed away from him, "It has, but this is too much to deal with all at once. I need some time."
"If you haven't noticed, I don't think I have that much time left on Raw and if I do end up losing I'll rarely see you except for the once a month PPV's. I can't have that happen now, right when I've told you how I feel."
"Weren't you the one that just said you wanted your words to be with me forever?" John nodded and Shawn continued. "Then let me do the same thing. I'm not gonna lie to you again but I'm not gonna do Hunter like I did you. Just wait a little bit longer alright? You know my true feelings now. I need you to believe in those."
Oh a thousand words
One thousand embraces
Will cradle you
Making all of your weary days seem far away
They'll hold you forever
"I want to, but I won't believe in some lie again. I don't want to be second anymore and I don't want to be played like a fool again. I couldn't handle that...not from you. Since I've waited this long you know I'll continue to wait. I need to know that I'm not just waiting on a dream."
Shawn seemed to ignore him and glanced at the wall where the clock hung and saw it was nearing the time for his match. "I'm glad you did this. I know I haven't done right by you and now I know you must really love me after I was such an asshole to you. If you hadn't done this, I guess you wouldn't be the only one wondering about the what ifs."
John smiled. His eyes brighting and his dimples showing, adding even more to his boyish looks. "Even though it would would have taken you a few more years to even admit it, but hey,We both have our problems. As long as we've known each other that should be kind of obvious. What matters is that we don't have to tiptoe around each other anymore, pretending that there's nothing between us."
Oh a thousand words
Have never been spoken
They'll fly to you
They'll carry you home and back into my arms
Suspended on sliver wings
The opening of the door startled the two out their embrace as Hunter walked in. He looked suspiciously between the two. John kept calm and cool. His face, an emotionless mask that refused to give anything away. That was an immediate sign that there was something wrong with that picture. "Did I miss something here?" He walked over to Shawn and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
"N-no Hunt. I was congratulating him on his match and we were just catching up." He leaned up and kissed him lightly on the lips. "I was just about to come find you to finish going over the details of the main event tonight."
The game remained silent, seemingly thinking over his lover's nervous words. Shawn could feel the grip on his shoulder tighten slightly before Hunter's laughter rang out through the room. "Well that's good. For a moment, I thought you were plotting to run away together or something crazy like that. You had me worried."
John smiled, or rather he forced himself to smile. "I mean really, do you think I'd stand against you? Shawn's all yours man. Believe me..." "He said glancing over at Shawn, who then turned his eyes away. His smile instantly dropped. "You have nothing to worry about." He walked over to the door when he heard Shawn's voice call out to him.
"John! I just wanted to tell you that someday your dream will end and that in your case it will hopefully be a happy end. I know you of all people deserve one the most. One that will hopefully last you forever."
And a thousand words
Call out through the ages
They'll cradle you
Turning all of the lonely years to only days
They'll hold you forever
This time, the smile was back and in full force. As John closed the door, Hunter turned to him with a look of confusion etched on to his face. "It would be really nice if you could tell me what's going between you two. I really hate being left out of the loop."
Shawn sighed. It was now or never. He needed to do this. Even if this turned out to be the biggest mistake of his life. He couldn't put this off any longer. After the two years of pain he put John throughthe least he could do is take on some of the pain himself.
"Hunter?"
"Yeah Shawny?"
He looked up into Hunter's warm yet questioning eyes. Shawn sighed. Maybe this time, his words won't cause so much pain. Maybe this time, his words will do more harm than good. Of course, hoping had never done him much good before.
"I think...I think we need to talk."