Rosalie's words circled in my head. "Edward, she's dead". I felt numb, cold and empty. It was as though these last few months were a holiday, preparing me for this. The feeling of not being able to see her every day for her own good, was one I could live with, if it kept her safe and well, why should my suffering matter? But not being able to see the blush creep up her cheek, feel the warmth of her skin, hear her heart accelerate as I touched her, because she no longer existed, was incomprehensible. I curled myself into the foetal position, I didn't even know where, I was, I didn't even care anymore, things had just stopped. Stopped working, stopped making sense, it was as though the little colour that my world had held on to, had drained away. I rocked my body back and forth, feeling nothing, no sounds, no smells, no feelings. I didn't think that my life could have got much worse than it had, but I was proved wrong. I felt a familiar stinging in my eyes; this sensation had been a major component in my life since I had left her. I felt my breath hitch in my throat and I sobbed, endless sobs, no tears came but I was crying a river of tears inside. She can't be dead, I told myself, she promised; promised to stay out of trouble, to stay healthy, to stay alive. Her promise was broken, shattered, in the most unimaginable way, the way I feared the most, broken in away I feared to think of. I could play fire with fire, she broke her promise, I would break mine. I collected my phone from the floor where I had dropped it. I turned it on, the screen lit up, I strolled down to the forbidden word, the word that I had stayed away from for so long: Bella. I pressed the call button, preparing myself for the worst, for Charlie. After a couple of rings an unfamiliar voice answered the phone. I had never heard it before, it had a rough, woody quality to it, but it was still young. I wondered idly who it, was. Who had known my Bella, perhaps, been close to her, had been able to touch her, been able to make her happy in a way that I never could. Who would have been good for her, and who would not have to keep putting her in danger. That danger was gone for her now, gone from me, everything had gone from me. I told the man that I was my father, looking for Charlie he was not there, I asked where he was. The reply almost killed what was left of me – "At the funeral" . I shut down; I felt my phone crumble as I gripped it too tight. I couldn't even summon the effort to care. My life was no longer worth living, in the words of Heathcliff "I cannot live without my soul" . And that was what it felt like, like someone had torn me apart and stolen whatever was inside me, be it my soul, my heart, whatever I had. I knew that there was only one thing left to do.
I had told Bella that if she died, I would soon follow. My deepest fears had been confirmed, there was nothing tying me to this earth any more, nothing tying me to life. I made up my mind, I didn't even care that Alice would see. I knew that she would try to stop me, whatever I did. I would have to be fast. I resolved then that I needed to be in Italy. With a sluggish movement, I rose from the ground; I dusted a little dirt from my face, and then set off on a run. The world seemed to move slower than usual as I whizzed pass trees, people cars, and buildings. My mind calculated that I was running the fastest that I had ever before, but there was something missing. I didn't even need to think about what it was. I was in a living hell; death would be a release from this terrible pain that I was in. I felt incomplete. Without Bella, my sky was dark, I had lost my way, the light which once shone so bright had disappeared, and I wished that I could burn out with it.
I made it to Italy by nightfall. I wasn't fully sure how I had made it without killing myself on the way, but I was here. I walked off the plane, shoving past people in my way, I didn't care that they touched my cold skin, I didn't care that they were angry, the only thing that I ever cared about was gone. I reached the airport car park, I needed something fast, and running wouldn't get me there in time. I don't remember getting a car, but suddenly I was zooming along the highway in a very comfortable red Jag. All my thoughts were like this, I was no longer coherent, my thoughts were like scrap pieces of string, they started, they ended, but there was no thread connecting them. I drove to my destination, Volterra, without even concentrating on where I was going. The gates leading into the city were flanked with guards. Their thoughts made it perfectly clear that they did not know what dangers lied in the heart of their city, the danger which I was going to expose them to very soon. I felt repulsed by my plan, sure it was a one way ticket to death, hey I didn’t even care if I went to hell, anything had to be better than my reality. But I felt bad at what I would do to the people of the city, the people who had lived without fear for centuries, now me, a suicidal vampire was coming to destroy that illusion. I laughed a humourless laugh at the thought of a suicidal vampire, ridiculous. The way that my mouth moved to laugh ached my cheeks, but it was not laughter, it was more a longing, a longing to see my only love once more. But what was I thinking, she was dead, she had a soul, she was good, she had gone to heaven, which was the only place that would ever be good enough for someone as selfless and beautiful as my Bella. With a gasp of pain I saw her flawless face cloud my vision, heard her honey suckle voice. "Edward, please. Please Edward" the words resounding in my head, pleading, for me, her eyes like melted chocolate making my insides ache with unimaginable grief. And fury. I was shaking. How could she do this to me? She obviously didn't love me in the way that I loved her. I wanted to keep her safe, so that no harm could come to her, my family and I were dangerous, that is why I left. But why, why did she leave me? What could she have been thinking?! Did she have any idea what she was doing to me? Did she care nothing for my feelings? Did she not care for me at all? That was hard to think about, Bella was the only person who I had ever felt anything for, she convinced me that she felt the same, but how could she if she had removed herself from my life. I was so selfish that even at her death I was blaming her, I should be blaming myself. If I was there with her, this would not have happened. If I had been with her, right now, she would be in my arms, sleeping like the angel that she is, her delicious scent flooding my lungs. No! I could not allow myself to think such thoughts; I was not with her, because I thought that it would be best. What did I know?
I curved through the narrow streets of the city, listening to the thoughts of the sleeping mortals, how could I put them in danger? I couldn't kill an innocent, I just didn't have it in me, I didn't have the compassion for life anymore. I changed my plan, I could no longer go through with it, I would just have to ask to be killed, and hopefully they would comply. I continued through the streets, and then I stopped to get out of the car. I knew where I was going and no car could get me there. I looked up at the clock tower, and then descended down the man hole directly beneath it. I heard a whoosh of wind as I jumped, but it was nothing, I landed in the dark sewer, and looked around. Right there were two vampires, with glowing red eyes.