Not Fine
Ch 1 (3:45-3:50)
When I woke up, the first thing I realized was that I had fallen into yet another trap. I don't know how I didn't see this coming. When I said to Gus that we were there for this clue, I wasn't kidding. It was hard to believe that the setup was so intricately planned just to put me in danger. I couldn't see anything due to the black blindfold over my eyes and the cloth over my mouth, but I knew I was tied to some sort of chair outside because I could hear the distant honking of car horns and cabs going by. My captor then removed the blindfold. As a detective, I quickly took in my surroundings looking for a way out. I noticed the face of the clock first; it was 3:45 am. Then I looked out over the city and deduced that I was on top of a clock tower. Then I noticed the man called Yin. He had a black mask over his face, so I couldn't see any clues, but I tucked his appearance away for analysis at a later time, if there was a later that is.
"Juliet, we are going to play a little game now."
I was completely powerless as he turned my chair around to face the city and lifted me up onto the ledge. My stomach dropped in fear as I realized he was going to push me over the edge as in Vertigo. Looking down to the street below, I lost my strength and began to plead as the tears threatened to fall.
"Please…"
His breathy voice made my stomach churn.
"Oh Judy, don't be afraid of death. It's beautiful chaos and now you will be a part of it. I'm giving him a chance to save you. Of course, if that happens then Abigail dies because only one of you will survive this."
Then he let go of the chair, but I didn't give him the satisfaction of hearing me scream. I only had time to think that at least it would be quick and this terror would be over. I didn't fall. There was a cable keeping me suspended over the edge looking down to my death. He brushed his hand through my hair and I shivered.
A chill wind blew in the air as he whispered in my ear, "It's time for you to give him his clue. I'll dial seeing as you are a bit tied up."
He shoved a piece of paper in front of my face. I believed in Shawn. I knew he would figure the clue out and I would be safe. Abigail would not make it home, but I would survive this. When I heard Shawn's voice asking for the clue however, all of my fear and self-preservation left me. I knew I had one chance while reading the clue to tell him exactly where I was, but I would not use that chance to save myself. If I did, I would betray everything I was and everything I stood for, so I took that chance and used it for Abigail, knowing it would be the hardest thing I ever had to do.
"Shawn you can still save Abigail!" With those words I knew I had sealed my fate. I just hoped that he understood that Abigail was to be saved. Yin put the cloth back over my mouth and charged the cable. Then it began.
Chapter 2 (3:50-4:00)
As his footfalls disappeared and the roof door closed, time seemed to slow considerably and all the sounds of the passing traffic created a silence in my ears that left me to my own thoughts. They say that just before you die your life flashes before your eyes, but to the contrary, only some moments stood out in slow motion; every color, voice, and feeling intensified. I had time to think of my regrets and every word I would never get the chance to say.
Tick
That first minute my scattered thoughts jumped to my family. Ewan. What would I say to my big brother if I had known that his Miranda rights were the last words I would ever say to my hero, protector, and role model? Would he even care that I was gone? Everything just seemed so wrong. There was no sense of closure and reconciliation where Ewan was concerned and I would never have the chance to tell him that, although he had become capable of murder and disappointed me, that I would always love him and that I just wanted to feel his arms around me one last time before…
Tick
My parents stricken faces flashed before my eyes. As a member of the police force, I had seen so many broken hearts, and I knew that, truly, no parent should ever have to bury their child and when it happens, the heartbreak is so severe that most families don't survive it. My parents hadn't been thrilled with my choice of career, especially when I had such a talent in the science field, but I always had a passion for mysteries and upholding justice, even in my younger years. The marriage of my wonderful supportive parents which had lasted for 35 years probably wouldn't survive my death. If only I had one last chance to call them and tell them how thankful I am for my upbringing and how much I love them.
Tick
Christmas at the O'Hara's would never be the same again. I would never get to see my nieces and nephews grow up and do great things in the world. It was in this moment that the impression came to me – the child I would never have. I had never really considered motherhood before this moment. I always felt that I had time for that and my life would eventually fall into place, but as I hung from my death, that yearning for a child in the future was there. I would have made a great mother when the time came.
Tick
But so would Abigail; the one who got away. She wasn't cut out for the life of chasing down psychopaths. If one of us was to survive this and see that future with the wedding and beautiful children, shouldn't it be the innocent kindergarten teacher who never asked for this? I tried to swallow but my mouth was dry with fear. Just because I chose the life of justice didn't mean that I couldn't be scared.
Tick
I thought of my first days in California. I originally transferred here to find out who I was. In high school, I was on the cheerleading team, but I never really fit in with that crowd though I did have an eye for some of the football players. I performed well academically in college and joined the police force shortly thereafter, but I never felt that my fellow officers understood me. They all just saw me as the ditzy ex-cheerleader who brought cupcakes for peoples' birthdays. When my partner made a move on me, I knew it was time for a change. Funny that while I was still trying to figure out where I fit in the world, one man had me pegged at first sight…
Tick
My first day in Santa Barbara was one of those days that stood out to me so clearly in this moment, which wasn't surprising as it was the day that I met two of the most important men in my life. First there was Detective Carlton Lassiter. As soon as I entered the station I heard the rumors about the detective who had been sleeping with his partner and that she had just been transferred. I could only hope that this man wasn't to be my new partner considering that this had been one of my motivations for transferring to Santa Barbara. I smiled at the memory of actually meeting Carlton. We definitely got off to a rocky start. It was clear that he didn't want a new partner and he was used to being in charge of every situation. I told him early on that nothing romantic would ever be allowed between us. I don't think he appreciated that very much.
Tick
The countdown to my death ticking behind me threw me out of my memory. There was no escape from this moment. But then, there was the diner. I could almost feel like I was back there scared out of my mind over the arrest about to go down, but Shawn appeared and our staged banter served to calm my nerves. I remember my astonishment at his insight into my life and that look he gave me when I announced that I had actually listened to him and tested the take-out that killed the Spellmaster. If I could go back to that moment and tell myself one thing, what would it be?
Tick
After that, my relationship with Shawn developed in the fact that I was able to behold his psychic revelations first hand and he always seemed to be right. We also had our share of flirtacious banter, but I knew he wasn't looking for anything serious and neither was I to be honest. If I could pinpoint the moment that Shawn, Gus, and I started to become friends, it would be while I was being zipped into the ridiculous nurse's uniform at the Civil War battle. Then there was the speed-dating. The butterflies fluttered as I remembered our 100% match. But I would never see him again.
Tick
That year, I could tell that Detective Lassiter, as I referred to him then, didn't respect me. He never made a move, but I could tell that things weren't all that different from Miami. He liked to take credit for the cases and I let him because although sometimes he didn't make sense I looked up to him as a great detective. I loved bantering with him at stakeouts about protocol and I would never forget that feeling of power when we arrested Raylene Wilcroft saving 5 unarmed citizens from a dangerous criminal. But I would never see him again.
Tick
I fell into a similar trap at one other point in my career that could have ended in my death. When I was undercover for the Beta Kappa Theta sorority I was almost killed by Alice Bundy. That seemed like a lifetime ago now, but as I stared down at the passing cars that same adrenaline flowed through my veins and I felt that same slightly insane glint in my eye. Although the adrenaline was pumping harder at this moment, it also felt different because I was no longer an active participant. This was when I realized that my life was no longer in my hands. There was no way to fight off the villain now and come out of this laughing at Gus's antics and marveling at the fact that I finally fit in somewhere and that he called me "Jules".
CHIME