Link is one of the most popular characters in videogaming history, but what makes him appear cool to almost anyone? It's because we can all relate to him so much simply because he supposedly has no personality of his own, thus allowing people to impose their own perspectives onto him. But is there something else we're not aware of? Something much more sinister than we imagine? We asked our favourite fairy boy to fill in on his life thus far.

"It all began back in the 80s. Things were pretty whacky in that era, and I'd rather forget everything about it. I had a simple objective and there was no need of empathy or moral standard except for 'save the princess before she ends up in one of Mario's castles' kind. My timeline actually made more sense back then, and that may be the only thing I miss."

But good times eventually stopped rolling for our beloved young man as the 90s hit and grunge with its nihilistic mindset followed through. Yet he wasn't able to talk to anybody about his problems.

"There are three reasons I don't talk. One, they made a dumb show that I refused to be part of and then they casted a douchebag who says 'Excuse me princess' more than I've ever said anything up until now. Two, I have a lot of bad thoughts on my mind every day and I just didn't want to say anything stupid to people. Third, I hate my voice. I think it sounds like some faggy college guy who can't get a girlfriend. Actually, that's who I am, some effeminate looking male who can't get the princess he's chasing after.

It's probably for the best not to be too attached, what are the odds that any of my adventures were staged?"

We asked Link about his family tree, and it dispensed another sad remark.

"Nintendo claims my mom died fleeing from disaster, and with no mention of my dad at all. That's not much of a family in my opinion. I have my other incarnations as company along with Navi. She's not so bad compared to Fi. That ballet dancing computer made me feel stupid. Other than them, I guess I have no real family."

Along with the rough tumble of the 90s came Link's downfall, which he kept private for many years to avoid unwanted attention from the media and keep Nintendo's good name innocent. It was rather futile, as Nintendo had gotten into trouble before with some moral outrage and even lawsuits made against them.

"I got into listening to grunge and some nu-metal like Nirvana, Korn, and older stuff. When 1999 came around and all the popular Nintendo characters were going to be featured in a fighting game where we could meet one another, I was pretty stoked. But just before we had our first show, we had to line up and get approved. Not everyone made it, and among the saddest of the rejects was Kid Icarus. We hung around and did some drugs outside the stadium late at night and had some fun. It was the first time in a while that I felt genuine happiness.

The next day, there was a riot outside started by little miss bipolar Princess Peach herself. She thought the Super Smash Brothers tournament was sexist because the only female participant was Samus Aran. Peach hardly ever fights for anything, she just smiles and looks pretty. Her mood swings were pretty bad even though Doctor Mario prescribed medicine that contained Lithium. I was still high and seeing pretty colours when Peach slapped me after I said something to her. I don't even remember what I said, but it must've been bad.

If word got out that I was into 'bad' music that brainwashed kids and got high, Nintendo would've been in deeper horse crap than the time they left some morbid feature in a game. Something to do with a mansion and hamsters in microwaves, I think."

Link still participated in the tournament despite some insecurities and reputation crippling secrets. According to one of the referees, Link played by the rules of the game and seemed to be a pretty cool guy. He'd get mobbed by fangirls and sign autographs for them.

"To be honest, I don't know why I keep saving the princess or bother doing favours for people. It's not like I care about them, I just need something that spices up my life. Sitting around at home fapping all day is a lot more boring than it sounds. I think I just answered one of my own concerns here, but that's beside the point. I have morals, but at the same time, I barely feel anything for anyone. That's what's really wrong with me."

In an attempt to figure out his own predicament, Link turned to many therapists who have come to a startling conclusion for our hero.

"They said I was a bit of a psychopath because my emotions are shallow. However, I still have morals which are to be trusted more than my lack of empathy. The only living thing I call a friend would be my horse, Epona. She's a sweet animal and doesn't pass judgement like people do. Plenty of people I know think I'm a really nice guy, but I don't see myself that way. When I've been given a task to do, I don't have the desire to do it- but I do it anyway.

One time around Y2K, Mario ended up having to deal with Luigi's crippling paranoia and left me to take care of Peach. I figured I could do a better at Mario's job, he should really stick to plumbing. Anyway, I told Peach that I actually didn't really have any feelings for her, and she slapped me again. She's got mad reflexes, I tell you. In an obvious attempt in making me feel attached to her, she told me she had a yeast infection and panicked about having random creepy things growing down there. I just said to her 'Yeast infection doesn't mean your vagina is turning into a bread oven,' and she just ran out of the room.

I've gone to professionals to treat my 'smartassery', but some of it's still there. Only difference is that I keep those nasty things in my head."

As Link grew more tired and the press became more suspicious, he knew he had to pull himself together or at least pretend everything was fine. However, he carries some regrets that have eaten away at him for years.

"The CDI series. They didn't cast a different Link for that one, although that role was much goofier and more embarrassing than the TV show caricature of myself. At the time, I had no idea what I signed up for. They told me they'd give a million rupees, and I accepted the offer. When I saw the script, I was horrified and slapped one of the crew members with it. I didn't quit however. They coated me in makeup and put on a fake nose and a pompadour wig that looked and smelled like a squirrel's tail. They said it would be easier to tell people it wasn't me if I really hated it that much. Then, I was offered a hooker. That was pretty low of them, and she was really ugly anyway.

I spent my fortune on more drugs, got high and saw pretty colours that made me feel better, then shrunk away from the public and watched some old films made by Trnka. When I got back to the set the next day, the hooker wasn't pleased and threatened to spread a rumour that I had made a porno with her. I told her it wouldn't work because she has no evidence for the media to chew up and vomit on.

Once the games were finished, I wasn't surprised that gamers felt like vomitting from playing them. The sad thing is that King Harkinian is really the only lobotomized character in it. Everyone else was just acting. But that's all in the past now, and I'm more uncomfortable with the fact that the second Smash tournament happened two years after the first and I haven't gotten over the first one yet. The fangirls were cute, but now they've gone creepy!"

As the internet abandoned dial-up and became a more common household item, so did the hostility that festers at the center of it. In the era where freedom of expression is accepted and information can be easily distributed, nothing in existence is truly safe. Link also began to display increased frustration at his increasingly complex timeline.

"I discovered the fanfiction and rule 34. Most of it pairs me up with a guy, and I'm on the bottom. I really hate that. It's slander, I did not screw anyone nor am I interested. If I really wanted to screw Ganon, I'd rather be on top and in charge and see how he likes it. Not like I can do anything to stop fangirls from pairing up their favourite elf with anyone. Yes, I call myself an elf because Hylians are a type of elf. We have pointy ears, magic blood that connects us to something divine, and we're adorable. Is that really hard to process?

Oh wait, Nintendo throws another loop-de-hoop into my history. Thanks to this, I can't tell which adventures took place in another time, what order they were in, which ones where I travelled in time, and which ones that took place in another dimension by an entirely different version of myself. Thanks to Twilight Princess, I guess I can say that Hylians aren't real elves. Elves are based off of humans, which are mammals. Hylians are somehow related to Oocca, some kind of avian creature. Yet Hylians are sometimes referred to as humans. I could be wrong, but where does this nonsense end? I don't think I know who I am anymore, so I might as well recreate myself."

By the end of 2007, Link had become a wildly popular subject for the tabloids that tried to document his every move. Some people caught onto his nihilism and newspapers everywhere began to feign their concern as they compared the Hylian to other notable celebrities. Rumours spread like wildfire, and Link found it difficult to fight everything coming at him. This isn't the kind of stuff anyone could easily kill off with a swing of a sword.

"Brawl was coming next year. I felt like I had to do something to get cleaned up for good. If I didn't, they would've hired a replacement that could've driven my reputation further into the muck with the cretins not far behind. I decided to talk to at least one more person who actually knew better than those previous psychologists. She said that I'm not a psycho because she clearly saw how upset I was. Rehab was her idea, but I decided to quit drugs cold turkey. I'd pinch myself to control my cravings and curl up in my bed.

The rumours people threw around became more malicious and frightened the crap out of me. I'll never understand why people who love their idols would do anything like this. Hey, I'll even chop 'em up if I have to. Not literally, but you know.

I did NOT get the drugs from Pit, they came from some guy living on Elm Street. I did NOT have sex with Pit, that's just fanart made to please the fangirls' fetishes. I did NOT assault Peach outside battle, she's using the idea that men are always the bad guys just so people can feel sorry for her because she has vaginal fungus problems! Seriously, that's where toads come from. It's not a secret, so she should stop acting like it was one in the first place. I did NOT have sex with Ike or Captain Falcon either, Ike's too busy chasing Snake and Captain Falcon's straighter than a line.

I especially did NOT have sex with any OC, they don't even exist in my universe. Half of the ones I've heard about are far from my ideals."

In a 2008 interview, Link spoke his scathing words to the public. It didn't work out well for him, and one teen girl threatened to sue him for giving her multiple panic attacks. During that same interview, he responded to the stale question "why were you turned into a wolf?" with a shrug and muttered something about Twilight and Nintendo Logic before exiting stage left.

We're out of time, stay tuned for our next episode.