A/N – This is my first Rookie Blue fanfic, so I'm pretty nervous about it. I really needed to justify Sam's actions in 3x10 to myself and sort of give him a point of view, which we didn't get much of in the episode. I thought this was a unique way to do it. Let me know what you think!
Love and Change
"Hey, brother," the voice said, making Sam's head snap up.
He had long ago lost count of the number of shots he had taken or the number of beers he had thrown back. Not that he was ever really trying to keep count.
"You look like hell," was the next comment out of the man's mouth.
Sam cocked his head to the side, staring intently at the man in his apartment who was just smiling back at him.
"I know what you're thinking," Jerry laughed. "I'm dead."
Sam didn't move, just stared blankly as Jerry – or at least it seemed like Jerry – walked closer and sat down on the arm of the couch.
"Relax," Jerry said, rolling his eyes. "You're just drunk and seeing things. I'm not really here."
Sam exhaled, and closed his eyes, only to open them and see Jerry still sitting there, smirking at him.
"Come on, Sammy, just because I'm in your imagination doesn't mean you can just blink me away," Jerry teased. "Obviously, I'm here for something."
"What might that be?" Sam asked.
"It's your subconscious that's conjuring me up, how am I supposed to know?" Jerry challenged.
"Well, you knew that you weren't real," Sam replied before muttering to himself, "What the hell am I doing?"
"Talking," Jerry said quickly. "Maybe that's what you need.
"Doubtful," Sam scoffed.
"Fair enough," Jerry nodded.
Sam glanced over to find Jerry – or his ghost or whatever – just waiting patiently.
"Do you have something to say, maybe?" Sam wondered, wanting this experience to be over with more than anything. He felt like a lunatic.
"How's Andy?" Jerry asked.
"I, uh… I don't know," Sam answered.
"Hmm," Jerry murmured.
"Don't do that," Sam complained.
"Do what?" Jerry countered.
"Ponder," Sam replied. "What's happening with me and Andy is not a case you have to solve."
"You're right, it's one you have to solve," Jerry agreed.
"There's nothing to be solved," Sam argued.
"Well, maybe you could solve a puzzle for me," Jerry suggested. "What were you doing waiting all that time for McNally?"
"What do you mean?" Sam questioned.
"I mean, she was with Callaghan. They were engaged, weeks away from getting married. And there you were, patient as ever, waiting for her to figure it out that he wasn't the guy for her. What was the point of all that if this is how it ends?" Jerry wondered.
"I wasn't waiting-" Sam tried.
"Oh please," Jerry muttered. "If it wasn't waiting, it was pining, which is worse."
"Fine, I waited for her because I wanted to be with her," Sam shrugged. "I realize now that it doesn't work."
"Why doesn't it work?" Jerry pressed.
"Because she's distracting," Sam answered. "When I'm around her, I don't make the best decisions I could make as a cop."
"You two have solved a lot of cases working together, so I don't buy that," Jerry said, shaking his head.
"It's not about solving cases," Sam groaned.
"And here I thought that was the measure of good police work," Jerry said sarcastically.
"Maybe for a detective," Sam sighed. "But I'm bound to protect and serve."
"You think you don't because of Andy?" Jerry wondered.
"I think when she's around I care less about protecting and serving the people in this town," Sam admitted, "and more about protecting her."
"That's not wrong, Sammy," Jerry said softly. "I know you never really have before, but it's okay to love something more than you love your job. Especially when that something is a someone."
"I don't-" Sam started to argue.
"Right, you don't use that word," Jerry said knowingly. "But still, it's okay to care about McNally more than you care about your badge."
"That wasn't in the oath I took," Sam whispered.
"Yeah, well Traci wasn't in mine, but you can bet your ass I loved her more than the work I did," Jerry shrugged.
"I'm not you," Sam replied.
"No, you're not nearly as handsome as I am," Jerry smiled. "Look, I get it. You didn't get into this job thinking that one day things would be like this. That one day you would meet a rookie who would sort of turn your world upside down. But things change, brother. It happens."
Sam shut his eyes and shook his head. For a moment, he had almost forgotten the guy he was talking to wasn't real. Until the word change floated out into the air and Sam was forced to remember just how much had changed so fast.
"Love and change," Jerry said, almost singing the words. "Two words that my best friend absolutely can't stand."
"She asked me not to walk away if things got bad," Sam admitted, seeing the memory in his head. "She wanted me to promise to work at it. I told her she wouldn't get rid of me without a fight."
"Yeah," Jerry nodded.
"I didn't fight," Sam sighed. "I walked away and I left her standing in the rain."
"Yeah," Jerry said again.
"Is that all you have to say?" Sam wondered, meeting the eyes of his best friend.
"Yeah," Jerry repeated, laughing slightly. "And another thing."
"What's that?" Sam asked.
"It's okay that you changed," Jerry said seriously. "It's okay that she changed you; that you loving her made a difference in you. Having the capacity to love someone doesn't make you less of a cop. Hell, it might even make you a better cop. But the only way to find that out is to stop trying to shut out the love and the change."
"Why are you such an expert in all of this?" Sam questioned.
"I'm not," Jerry answered. "This is your subconscious, remember?"
"Why did my subconscious choose to appear in Jerry form?" Sam countered.
"It probably wanted an upgrade in the looks department," Jerry smiled.
Sam let out a small laugh before closing his eyes and shaking his head. This time when he looked up, his friend was gone. The room was empty and everything was getting back to normal, the alcoholic haze wearing away. He moved to lie on the couch and rested his head on the arm where Jerry had been sitting seconds earlier.
"Love and change," Sam muttered, closing his eyes and wondering to himself if maybe Jerry – or his subconscious, he'd have to decide later which one was a less insane person to be talking to – was on to something. He didn't spontaneously combust when he said the words aloud, so maybe they weren't so bad after all.
"Maybe you're right, brother," he whispered, sneaking a quick glance upward before closing his eyes again and falling asleep.