Chapter One

Tranquility in The Face of Pain

Ava

"You need to get up."

"Mmm. I'm never getting up." I said, snuggling closer to Dean. I could hear his heartbeat under my ear. My head was on his bare chest.

"You have to."

"You're not my boss." I said, kissing his skin. He smelled like leather, pine, and whiskey. I could drown in the smell. "Mmmm."

"What?" He asked softly.

"I want to remember this. The way that your skin smells. The way that your heart sounds."

"You're such a girl." He whispered, twisting his fingers in my hair.

"I am." I breathed. "You've never complained before."

"I'm not complaining." His lips pressed into my hair.

This is what it was like. It's what I imagined heaven to be like. Dean and I just twisted together, breathing each other in. An endless warmth. Where he ended I began, and I, in turn, bled back into him.

I never believed in marriage, because I didn't believe in love. I didn't think there was a person I could love enough to give half my life. I was wrong. There he was. The man to whom I gave my whole life. My soul belonged to Dean Winchester.

Now he was dead.

I opened my eyes slowly, blinking, startled by the light. "Hey." Sam said softly, he was holding my hand.

My head pounded, and I could hear beeping and the itch of hospital sheets. I reached for my belly in alarm. Tiny monitors were placed on it. "Sam?" I croaked.

Even though I knew he wouldn't be there I still searched the room with my eyes. The stillness of the room made me almost faint again. That's what happened.. right?

"Hey, Shh. You're okay. The doctor is still running tests but she's worried you're preeclamptic."

His words made my breath catch in my throat. "The baby... she's..."

"She's okay. The doc already gave you something to help her lungs grow in case she needs to come early."

I sat up slowly, Sam placing pillows behind my back. The room was spinning. All the headaches, dizziness, and cramping were leading up to this. I didn't tell anyone. I risked her life.

My eyes widened. "Dean..."

His mouth curled down and he took in a shaking breath. He held out his fist to me, and lowered it into my flattened palm.

When he moved his hand I saw small metal circle right above my life line. His wedding ring. I curled my fingers around it, feeling a swell of pain roll through me again.

"Hey." Sam said, alarmed. "Doc mentioned to keep you calm, because the stress... it's making your blood pressure off the charts. You have to stay calm."

I met his eyes. Not quite as green as Deans, but still familiar. They were dilated, full of love and concern. "How can I do this? I... What about a funeral? Will I even get to say goodbye?"

"I'm going to bury him. We just need to see what happens with you and Peanut."

The ring seemed to burn hot in my hand. "Bury him? He wouldn't want that. A hunters funeral..." I couldn't say it. Burn his body. His body. He isn't even in there anymore. Because he is in Hell. Burning for real.

"No." Sam said sharply. "He's going to need that body for when I'm finished." He stood up.

"For when you're finished with what?" I asked, alarmed.

"I have to try, Ave. I think you know that. You're right. You need him here. I'm no replacement for Dean."

"Sam that's not what I meant." I stuttered, not able to disagree with him comfortably. I needed Dean, but I knew what he would want, and it wasn't that. I grabbed for his hand, catching his fingers in mine.

He turned to look at me.

"Here." I said, pulling his hand to my stomach. Peanut was kicking. I placed his palm against her foot and watched his eyes widen. He looked like a child.

"That's amazing."

I closed my eyes hard.

"That was a kick." I said with a smile.

His green eyes met mine. They were wide. "That was the craziest thing I've ever felt."

"Tell me about it."

He sat up, and put his hand on my stomach. "Do you think she will do it again?"

"Probably." I shrugged, sitting up a bit.

He stared at my stomach impatiently.

"Maybe if you talk to her?"

"You think that'll work?"

I shrugged again. "Worth a shot."

He leaned down and put his face near my rounded belly. "Hey little one. I'm..." He swallowed hard. "I'm your Dad. I just wanted to say..." His eyes flickered to mine, and I gave him a smile of encouragement. "I wanted to say that I love you more than anything. I don't say that lightly, either."

He patted my stomach and placed a small kiss on it. "You know you've got the best mom, right? She's so beautiful, and loving. She makes some damn good spaghetti." He grinned widely. "She will be the kind of mom that cooks you dinner. Like real dinner, and not McDonalds or a roadside diner."

He rested his forehead against my belly, lost in his conversation with our daughter. "I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm sorry that I won't get to see you grow up. I never wanted that. I wanted to be better, but I guess some things are fate no matter what we do. Just know, baby girl, that if there was a chance to be with you and your mom I'd take it, because you're my life."

I sucked in my breath, trying not to cry, and Peanut must've felt the same because I felt a little pressure and watched Deans eyes light up. "She kicked me right in the forehead!"

"Little fighter already."

My heart was broken, but I wouldn't forget the promise I made to him to take care of Peanut. I put my hand over Sams. We were a family. This was all we had left.

I watched Sams face as he fell in love with my daughter. He was taken with her immediately. We were bonding over our loss. We couldn't live without him, but we had to try.

A swift knock came to the door and Sam backed away from me, his hands folded together. "Yes?"

It was my OB, Dr. Dominic, she had a kind smile and her graying hair was pulled into a bun. "Good, Mrs. Winchester, you're awake."

"Please, Ava." I smiled.

"We will need to keep an eye out on your condition. It's very important that you stay calm." She sat on the edge of my bed. "Sam told me what you've been through. That you lost your husband suddenly. I will not let you lose this baby, but I need you to fight with me. Try."

My eyes stung and a knot grew in my throat. I was choking on it. She said it out loud. I could hear my heart rate pick up on the machine.

"From now on this room will be a tranquil zone." She put her hand on my stomach. "We need to keep the little one in there cooking as long as we can."

I nodded. I couldn't breathe from my pain in my chest, from the crack in my heart.

"Let's take a look." She lifted my gown and nodded to a tech that I didn't notice enter. The tech rolled the machine over. Dr. Dominic put the jelly on my stomach and rolled the wand along my skin. "There She is."

Sam grabbed my arm in shock. I watched the grainy picture form a beautifully made child. I wondered if she looked like him. If she would have his glowing green eyes. If she would inherit his love for pie, and his large toothy smile. I would keep it together for her. For the little piece of Dean I had left. I slid his ring onto my finger even though it fit loosely. I looked to Sam just as a tear rolled down his cheek.

He knew just as well as I did that she was our number one priority. She would keep us tied together. She would keep us from falling apart.

Sam

I couldn't get the image of my brothers baby on the monitor. The sound of her heartbeat fluttering away.

I would do anything to protect her, and her mother. They deserved to have Dean back. We all did.

She was asleep, cuddled in pillows to support her large round frame. Her foot hung out of the blanket, a pillow tucked between her legs. I smiled. She was beautiful. Even more so pregnant. Dean had always thought so.

"Stop staring, dude, you're creepy."

"It's not creepy." He frowned at me. "She looks amazing."

"You're different now." I commented, noticing his relaxed expression.

"Yeah, well."

"Love does that I guess."

"It isn't love." He said sharply, even though his raised eyebrows told a different story. He looked at her like he looked at the Impala. He couldn't believe she was his, and he did a bad job hiding it from the moment he found out she was pregnant. From the moment he found out he would be a father.

I clasped his necklace around my own neck, tucking it into my shirt. "I'll make you proud." I promised him. I crept out of the room, slowly shutting the door behind me. He wouldn't forgive me if I succeeded, but he at least he would be there to be mad. At least he would be alive.

—-

It seemed to be in our nature, as Winchester's, to do things that are unwise. Specifically to take care of the ones that we love. My brother never said goodbye to me. He never told me that he loved me.

We just weren't that kind.

Large flurries of snow fell from a dark sky. December had come in before we even knew it. It was almost Christmas. The ground was hard, and frozen. I dug my knife into it, forcing it to break. Begging it to. I clawed at the ice until my fingers bled.

I begged it to open up for me. "Come on!" I shouted into the night sky. The flakes fell into my hair. It was in my eyes, hanging in my face.

I dug, forcing my fingers into the hard dirt. I broke it a bit, taking the knife and wildling away at the hard ground.

The hole was shallow, but it would do well enough. I laid my box within the hole in the center of the cross road. I pushed the icy dirt over the box, and looked to the sky to say the summoning.

I shouted into the night again and again, until my throat burned. I fell forward, my forehead touching the snow covered ground.

"Sam." A woman's voice said, a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to find a dark haired woman crouching in front of me. "They're not coming."

I didn't recognize her, but there was something about the familiarity of her touch, and the flakes in her eyelashes. "Ruby?"

"I'm sorry that I wasn't there."

"Sorry that Lilith sent you back to Hell."

"I broke a nail clawing my way out." She said with a wink. "Stand up, Sam."

I met let her pull me up, standing a good foot taller than her. "I want to make deal."

"No. There's no deal. Not for you."

I pushed away from her. "You're a demon! Right? Right!? Don't you want my soul?"

"Oh Sam." Ruby shook her head. "Not just from me. No one can deal with you. Lilith has other plans. I'm sorry."

"You have to help me save him." I said, grabbing her biceps.

"There is no help for him, Sam. You're smarter than that." She said, slapping my hands away.

I stared at her, her breath visible in the frozen air.

"Maybe I'm not."

"There are so many bigger things at play."

"Like what?"

Ruby folded her arms across her chest. "They don't tell me shit. I'm crafty, but I'm not exactly included in what Hell has planned. I just wanted to tell you to stop. Don't bother. You can summon all you want, but no one will come."

"He was going to be a father. He will be a father, and Ava deserves to have him here."

"Well he's not here." Ruby snapped. "You are. He would want you to keep fighting. To get stronger."

I narrowed my eyes. "What are you saying?"

"Let's send some bitches back to Hell. If they won't help you then we will get rid of them." She smiled something sinister, and I was reminded again who she was. What she was.

As tempting as it was, I could still see Deans eyes. The disappointment. "No more demon blood, Sam. There's another way. I won't let you be a monster."

I couldn't. Not like that. I wanted him back, but not like that. Not unless I had to. Not unless there was no other way.

Ava

Sam was gone. He left in the night the first night I was in the hospital. and I hadn't seen him since. Bobby was around, he brought me flowers in an old bottle of whiskey.

"You look good." He commented awkwardly.

He brought me some clothes. One of Deans shirts, stretched tightly over my belly long with a pair of stretchy yoga pants. One of his flannels. It smelled like him. I closed my eyes, pretending he was there. "Finally got to shower." I said dryly.

"I brought everything you asked for." He said adjusting his hat.

"Thank you."

He handed me a bag with pink butterflies, and tissue paper out of the top. "You got me a gift?"

"Eh, it's no big deal."

I smiled and lowered myself into the bed, sitting down the bag. I pulled out the tissue paper piece by piece. "Bobby." I breathed as I pulled out a deep red baby blanket. It had white lace edges. The yarn was soft but clearly old. "What is this?"

"It was your mom's when we were kids."

I laid it on my belly. Her first blanket. "I didn't shop enough. I was too worried. My baby bag is pathetic." I sucked in my breath of avoid tears. "Have you heard from Sam?"

"I'm sorry, I haven't." He sighed. "Idgit needs to come back."

"He doesn't want to be here. This isn't his family." I said resting my hand on my stomach. "Even if I thought he wanted it to be."

"These boys are complicated. I warned you of that." He said with a sad smile.

"You did." I pressed my lips together. "But I didn't listen."

"You were meant to be a Winchester. So stubborn."

"Speaking of stubborn Winchester's." I said folding the blanket. "Have you spoken to John?"

"He left too. Didn't even see..." He stopped and looked down.

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. "He would be so disappointed."

I spun his wedding ring on my finger. I needed a better place for it. A chain. A way to keep him close.

"He would be proud of you." Bobby said with a nod. "How is your blood pressure?"

"Not good, but not as bad as when I got here." I held my belly. "I need to keep her in. Keep her safe."

Although I didn't know what I'd do when she came out.

Bobby left me with a kiss. I lit my lavender candles and turned on my calming music. I sat crisscrossed on my hospital bed and closed my eyes, rubbing my belly. "Sweet Peanut. I am strong for you. I will be strong for you. I know that is so much to ask from someone so small." I let the tears roll down my cheeks. In the privacy of my own quiet Hell. "We never even named you. He will never know your name."

I fell in love with Dean Winchester in a bar, on a beach, in a motel room. I fell in love with his eyes, and snark. I fell in love with his understanding, and the thing she never would understand. I fell in love with a man who sacrificed everything. A man who didn't know the word love. I found my soul mate, just to have him ripped away from me.

I winced at a cramp in my stomach. "Shh little one."

Everything with the Winchester's was fast. The clock always ticking. Time always running out. Now was not any different. Which was only fair, because I was a Winchester now. Maybe I always had been. I hoped I always would be.