All Twilight characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer.

This is just a sweet little silly thing I wrote for some friends of mine who are Billy and Sue shippers. After writing this little story, I think I can safely be counted a Billy and Sue shipper, too. Keep your eyes peeled for the surprise narrator... ;)

How Billy Got His Groove Back

(and Everyone Else Lost Their Lunch)

It's a common complaint among older couples. And unlike other complaints common among older couples, this one can't be remedied with a pill, therapy, or a perky-breasted younger girlfriend (though the latter might be a step in the right direction). This fiendish malady is boredom. I'm talking particularly about the nastiest breed of all --which I prefer to call boudoir ennui, but most people seem to prefer the less intimidating term bedroom boredom. Yes, too much predictability and the "same ole, same ole" in the bedroom can lead to intense partner dissatisfaction, regardless of the size or prowess of the "ole" in question.

Billy Black and Sue Clearwater have not strictly been a couple for long. Indeed, with the several years of mourning Sue allowed herself after her venerable Harry kicked the almighty bucket, she only began dating Billy publically earlier this year. They were married only about a month ago at a darling ocean-side service at sunset. Although the pair technically still maintains "newlywed" status, things were bound to get old fast with the inordinate amount of bed-breaking boot-knocking they do. The pair did everything they could to prevent the impending bedroom boredom – and believe you me, these two can throw down some kinky shit – but eventually it wasn't enough. I invite you to take a journey with me to their bedroom window a few nights ago to see how they learned to cope with this serious and completely not-funny-at-all condition.

It was an average day. It usually is. An average day, I mean. Anyway, it was late in the evening and Sue had just finished cleaning up the sky-high pile of dishes that typically covered the kitchen counter on an average day. (And we've already established that this was an average day.) Luckily for Sue, would-be werewolves are fond of licking their plate upon completion of a meal, so washing dishes was not as onerous of a chore as it might have otherwise been. Sue sighed, dried her hands, and made her way languidly down the hall to the master bedroom. On the way down the hall she glanced at the mismatched plastic frames lining the dark-paneled wall. She passed the faces of family members both old and new: an old picture of her children Seth and Leah exchanging grimaces over new holiday sweaters; a shot of her stepdaughter Rachel and Billy smiling at her high school graduation; a framed and signed copy of her stepson Jacob's first "Teen Vogue" cover... She paused momentarily to touch an old photo lovingly mounted in an antique gold-plated frame – her late husband Harry. She smiled sadly to herself as she walked on, but her expression brightened to a grin as she passed the photo of herself and Billy on their wedding day. So much love on this wall, she thought happily. She frowned and rubbed at what appeared to be a mustache drawn in permanent marker over a photo of Seth's face. And yet so much hate, she shook her head with a laugh.

Thusly overfull with warm sentiments of love and family, Sue opened the bedroom door and closed it behind her with a contented sigh. She was rudely awakened from her dreamy reverie by the image of her husband Billy lounging sloppily on the bed with a bowl of Cheese Puffs balanced haphazardly between his pecs. His gaze was fixated on a small color television perched atop the old oak dresser. The bed, a relic of Billy's bachelor days, was a king-sized waterbed that took up most of the small room.

Billy looked over at Sue with a smile as she walked in. "Hey, babe!" he called cheerfully, shoveling another Cheese Puff into his mouth and wiping his hand on his bare (and surprisingly well-built) chest. "Sorry I couldn't help in the kitchen – but the game just went into overtime."

Sue started with surprise as she got a closer look at him.

He was nude but for a pair of inhumanly tight leather pants.

She raised an eyebrow at the pants and asked cautiously, "Oh, is it 'Emmett and Rosalie Night' again already?" Her hand went unconsciously to her bruised backside, still sore from the last "Emmett and Rosalie Night."

It behooves me to mention here that as a part of their grand scheme to avoid bedroom boredom, Sue and Billy had taken to incorporating role-play into their lovemaking. At first they had only played vague sketches of stereotypical role-play scenarios – teacher and student, doctor and nurse, ruggedly handsome middle-aged cop and his long-time Native American pal in a wheelchair – but they eventually came to the conclusion that role-playing as people they knew was infinitely more exciting.

Billy looked up at her with a puzzled expression as he licked the neon orange powder from his fingers. "What are you talking about?" He followed her gaze to the leather pants and chuckled. "Oh, no. I just haven't gotten around to the laundry yet and these were the only pants left in the closet without fish guts on them. They're from college – can you believe they still fit like a dream?" He patted the strained seam on the side of his leg with a grin.

Sue breathed an inaudible sigh of relief and crossed the room into their bathroom. She started plucking the bobby pins from her hair and called out to him through the open door. "Well, what night is it then?" she asked, her body already warming up at the thought of getting Billy out of those ridiculous pants. She brushed her hair out into thick, dark waves.

"I dunno," Billy called back from the bed, his eyes still glued to the television. "Ben and Angela?"

Sue rolled her eyes and opened the medicine cabinet. "Really? Ben and Angela? Do you want to get to sleep early or something?" She pulled out a vial of Billy's favorite perfume and applied it delicately behind her ears, gasping quietly as the cold alcohol touched her hot skin.

Billy snorted. "That's cold, baby! Though you might have a point – how many Eskimo kisses can one really give without rubbing their nose raw? And all those nauseating pet names to keep straight!" He thought for a moment, "Alright, what about Charlie and Renee?"

"I think you enjoy playing Charlie too much," she laughed, applying a thick red stain to her lips. Finally pleased with her appearance, she began exchanging her high-waisted, stonewashed "mom jeans" and wool sweater for a red satin nightie.

"Hey – you can't pretend like you didn't like that nightstick bit. And the cuffs were pretty hot, too." His lips curled into a smile at the memory of Sue handcuffed to the dresser, her brown eyes deep and pleading as she begged him to fuck her. On second though, maybe these pants were a little tight...

Sue emerged from the bathroom and immediately crossed the room to turn off the television. "So," she said silkily, turning to Billy and leaning back against the dresser. Billy thought about protesting that he had yet to see the final score, but the predatory look in Sue's eyes suggested that he shut his big fat mouth. So he did. Sue tossed her hair over her shoulder and pushed out her breasts, relishing the way the satin brushed over her erect nipples. "Do you like...?" she asked coyly, dragging a seductive hand over the curves of her body.

Billy launched the bowl of Cheese Puffs across the room and pushed himself up higher on his elbows, sending a shockwave of ripples through the outdated waterbed. "Wow, Sue!" he gasped, slack-jawed at the sight of her. "You look amazing!" Yep, the pants were definitely too tight.

Sue leaned over the end of the bed, granting Billy an unrestricted view of her cleavage. "What about Bella and Edward," she suggested in a purr, starting to crawl seductively towards him on the bed (well, as seductively as one can trying to balance on a waterbed. Believe me, it ain't easy).

A small part of Billy wanted to protest in outrage that he was 110% "Team Jacob" and that'd rather die before he'd play the part of that filthy metrosexual bloodsucker that took Bella away from his Jake. But then he realized that would imply he'd rather role-play as his own son, and thank the heavens that creeped him out more than just a little. "Before or after she became a leech?" he stammered, unable to break his gaze with her swaying breasts.

"Before," she replied without hesitation. "I want to worship your marble Adonis body." She crawled over him, placing a hot, open-mouthed kiss on his stomach.

"Ohhh..." he moaned. "But Bella, we can't do this. I might break you in half with my massive sparkleco--..."

Sue placed a shushing finger over his mouth. "Edward, don't deny your hunger for me. My blood sings a siren's song to you that you are powerless to resist. Even if you wanted to." She lifted up the hem of her nightie slightly – just giving a teasing hint at the lacy thong underneath – as she straddled his waist. She leaned forward to brush her lips lightly over his, politely ignoring the fact that instead of intoxicating vampire breath he was rocking a raging case of Cheese Puff halitosis.

Billy groaned and kissed her more deeply, bringing his hands up to palm her magnificent breasts. "Of course I hunger for you, Bella!" he replied huskily, sliding his hands over the silky fabric and teasing her nipples underneath. "But your attraction to me is artificial. Everything about me draws you in – my fabulous mane of hair, my sultry smooth voice, my breath... OK maybe not my breath," he ammended with a grin.

Sue moaned and gently pushed the straps of her nightie off her shoulder, letting the satin sink slowly down her body and unveil her breasts. "You won't hurt me," she whispered. She leaned over him, dangling her nipples enticingly over his mouth.

"But... but... this is the skin of a killer," he mumbled pathetically, taking one of her nipples gently between his teeth. "I'm the world's deadliest predator!" He slid a hand in between them and let his fingers find their way into her lacy thong.

"Mmmm..." Sue let her head fall back, the tips of her long, splendid hair whispering over Billy's stomach. "I don't believe that," she said breathlessly, reaching behind her to unbutton his ridiculous leather pants. "You're not a monster. But he might be..." she said slyly, pulling down the zipper dramatically.

"I won't be able to stop myself, Bella," he panted, the bulge in his pants growing as she touched him. "You're like my own personal brand of heroin. Ouch – careful not to chafe, babe," he complained, breaking character, "You know I never wear underwear on game day."

Sue raised her eyebrow, knowing that Billy usually spent "game days" with Charlie. She decided to just stick that piece of information into the back of her mind, along with all those naughty dreams she had about Sam Uley giving her a pedicure in hot pants. She pulled her nightie over her head and shimmed down him to kneel between his legs. "I want to be yours, Edward. I want to be like you and be with you forever," she whispered, tugging with effort at his tight pants and trying to pull them down.

Billy reached down and helped her out, regrettably bursting the side seam of the pants in the process. "I would never leave you, Bella. You are my life now." He eagerly sat up on his elbows to watch her.

Sue bit her lip to keep from laughing at his words and lightly ran her fingers down his shaft from the tip to the base. She smiled and wrapped her hand around him. "Oh Edward, your cock is so cold and magnificent," she said breathlessly. She bent her head and took him slowly into her mouth.

"My virtue...." Billy whined, falling back on the bed and squeezing his eyes shut.

Sue burst out laughing, nearly choking on Billy's member in the process. She rolled over on her back and started howling with laughter, earning her a scowl from Billy.

"What's so damn funny, woman? Edward would totally say that!" He growled softly and rolled over on top of her, pinning her body beneath his.

Sue giggled and squirmed underneath him, "And Bella would totally laugh in his face!"

"Oh yeah?" Billy raised an eyebrow. "Then Edward would totally BITE her!" he growled and started kissing her neck madly while tickling her.

Sue squealed and cried out, "TIME OUT! TIME OUT!"

Billy laughed, too, and released her, propping himself up on his side next to her. "What's wrong? Bella and Edward not doing it for you tonight?"

She smiled sheepishly up at him, "No, I'm afraid not."

"Then who should we play?" he smiled, gently brushing her hair back from her face.

She bit her lip nervously, unsure how he would react to her suggestion. "What about...Billy and Sue?" she asked finally

He looked surprised. "Those two? Are you sure they aren't too boring?"

"Never!" she said seriously, rolling over to face him. "Billy, role-playing is fun and all, but I never forget that you're the man I love – you're the only one I want to be with." She cupped the side of his face and kissed him with feeling.

"Oh Sue, I feel the same way!" He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her back passionately. Finally, he pulled away and grinned, an impish gleam in his eye. "So...can we play 'Billy and Sue Do It Doggy Style'?"

"As long as Billy's legs do not give out on him and squish Sue again," Sue said, nodding vigorously and pushing herself up and over onto her hands and knees. "Oh Billy Black," she moaned melodramatically, waggling her backside into the air, "Come feel how wet you've made your wife."

"Oooh!" Billy said, leaping up and damn near causing a tidal wave in the waterbed. "My, my, Mrs. Black," he chided as he pulled down her thong and slid his finger down the length of her slit. "You look like you need your husband to take care of that for you," he said in a deep, sultry voice. He positioned himself behind her and smoothed his hands down her side until they came to rest over the slight flare of her hips. His erection pressed urgently against the back of her thigh.

"Oh Billy," Sue moaned softly, her whole body tingling in anticipation. "Fuck me, baby!"

Unfortunately, it was at this point in the story that I, your humble narrator, heard a rustling sound behind me. I quickly zipped up my pants and whirled around to face the person who had caught me red-handed peeping in windows on Quileute lands (again). I breathed a sigh of relief as I realized it was only Seth. Seth without any clothes on. "Oh, hi there, Seth," I said quietly, frowning at his nudity.

Seth's eyes bulged at the sight of me and he dove into the bushes. "What the hell are you doing here, Emmett Cullen?" he squeaked, tearing through the leaves in search of something. "And where are my jean cut-offs? I just hid them here this morning!"

I bit back a smirk and looked down. "Uh, yeah, sorry about that, dude, I'm kind of...wearing them."

Seth's head shot up over the bushes, "You're WHAT?"

"Yeah, my other pants got kind of...you know. Sticky." I couldn't help myself but snicker at the horrified expression on his face.

"Oh my God!" his mouth fell open. "Burn them. YOU BURN THEM RIGHT NOW, EMMETT!" he shrieked.

"Shhhh! They'll hear you!" I whispered hoarsely to him, gesturing with my head to the window.

He looked over my shoulder and caught sight of his stepfather Billy plowing his mom Sue from behind, both of them sweating and grunting like raunchy wild animals in an orgiastic fucking frenzy. You really had to admire the endurance of Billy's back muscles... Seth's face immediately blanched into a pale (perhaps mint or sea foam) green. His bottom lip trembled and his stomach heaved. "I'm watching my parents do it through a window with a pervy vampire who is WEARING MY SHORTS," he groaned and added, "and I'M FUCKING NAKED."

Seth doubled over and began gagging in the bushes. At this time Leah ran around the corner, wondering where all the screaming and the keen scent of vampire arousal was coming from. She stopped short when she saw her little brother on his hands and knees, bare-assed, noisily losing his breakfast (which was beef jerky and cherry slushie if my nose didn't deceive me). "THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I DON'T LEAVE MY ROOM ANYMORE!" she wailed, falling to her knees and beginning to dry heave.

I wrinkled my nose, debating whether or not the reek of vomit was a step up from the thick wet dog smell that permeated the Rez. Hmm, tough call.

Meanwhile, Billy had finally heard the commotion at his window. You must excuse him if even the knowledge that his stepchildren and a sparkly vampire were watching him through the window did not cause him to immediately stop fucking Sue. It's really a testament to his dedication to pleasing his wife, you see. Finally, Sue happened to look over her shoulder and spy us. She let out a roar of anger and charged over to the window, shooting me a murderous glare and closing the blinds tightly.

And so Billy and Sue learned that sometimes the most erotic thing you can do is to have sex with your spouse as yourself. No props, no disguises – just raw, naked, imperfect passion. It may not be pretty or glamorous, but the level of satisfaction it produces cannot be compared to the false hilarity that comes with pretending to be someone else. Plus it requires far fewer costume changes.

I shrugged, the show over and my work done, and jogged off into the woods to get away from the pair of gagging and sobbing would-be werewolves. Poor kids. Love isn't for the faint of heart.

THE END.

I do so hope you enjoyed it! If you did, you might like my other raunchy and ridiculous short stories. Check them out on my profile!