I do not own any characters, Stephenie Meyer does. Please read in 1/2, or not, your choice really. This takes place middle of New Moon, no cliff diving.
How can he be gone and still hold me back? I know I will never see him again but I can't make my feelings-my love- for him go away. Then there's Jake, warm, reliable, loving Jacob. The one who can cure this whole in my heart the one who has almost healed it. I just cant make myself let him in. Not yet at least, not yet.
She stops abruptly looking into the family room. "There's someone here to see you." I stare at her questioningly when there is a knock at the front door. Slowly I walk towards it confused to as who it could be. As I slowly open it I realize it's him. Just as I remember him, perfect. I gasp unable to speak not sure if I'm just hallucinating again or if he is truly here. He lifts his head and looks at me with his familiar dark gold eyes and my breathing hitches. "Bella." He breathes, the sound of his voice sends an electric shock through my body. "I'll leave you two alone." Alice says quietly though I barely notice, I cant tear my gaze from him.
I must be dreaming, seeing things, this cant be real, he left he didn't want me, yet here he is. I'm not in control of my body anymore my limbs and my brain are no longer connected as I walk forward reach my hand out and touch his chest. My hand doesn't sink through his steel like form, I then pinch myself on the back of my hand. I underestimated how hard because I winced at the pain I caused myself. He looked down at my hand staring at the indents my fingernails left behind and slowly brought his hand up as if to try to help in some way. The action seemed so normal it scared me, I backed away a couple of feet and just stared at him in shock. My eyes raked over his body several times, I forgot how truly beautiful he was. I could tell he was staring at my face, I wonder if I look different from how he remembered me. I know I look uglier than usually today, and I certainly wasn't expecting any visitors, especially Edward Cullen.
Then he spoke again, the only word he seems to be able to say "Bella", it rolled of his tongue like caramel. It sent goose bumps radiating all over my body, and my heart skipped a beat. Then he did something I have been longing to see for the past 7 months, my favorite crooked smile, obviously he could hear my heart working overtime. It took everything in my power not to leap into his arms and crush my lips to his. I'm sure that would not be the right thing to do, even if he did still have feelings for me I doubt I could ever forgive him. Oh what am I saying of course I could forgive him, this is my Edward, my love, my soul, my world. STOP IT BELLA! He is not your anything. He left you, he doesn't want you, he doesn't love you, he made that perfectly clear months ago when he left you to wrought in the middle a forest.
"Please come inside." I stepped to the side of the door as he entered.
"I'm sorry I came over unannounced, may we talk?" His voice did funny things to me, I felt my insides turn as he spoke. I know I should not be reacting like this, I have no idea why he is here or what wants yet all my old reactions to his presence seem to be flooding back to me. I nodded and led him into the kitchen we sat at the kitchen table, he took the exact same chair he used to sit in when we were…in love.
"So your back?" I asked as I sat in the chair across from him.
"Yes"
"For how long?"
"I don't know yet." As he replied he cocked his head to the side as if I determined how long he stayed. Yeah right, like he cares about me. I looked down at the table and chewed on my tongue not knowing what to say next. "Bella…I'm sorry, I'm sorry for leaving you without any explanation." I met his gaze then and shook my head.
"You had an explanation, you didn't love me, you don't love me so why don't you just return to wherever you have been for the past 7 months." My words came out cold and hard, but he deserved it, for the shit he put me through, as much as I want to forgive him and crawl into his lap, I cant.
His eyebrows pushed together and he muttered something under his breath, then met my gaze again. "I know you probably wont believe me but I just want you to know, I left for you." I rolled my eyes, "For you to be a teenager, to be around humans, to be happy."
"But I was happy…"
He sighed "I wanted you to experience normalcy, to find a typical teenage boy who doesn't put you in danger just by holding your hand. It's selfish really for me to come here, I just had to see you…to see your face one more time and to let you know why I left. I know coming here was the wrong thing to do, but I couldn't control myself. I did love you Bella, I do love you." I let out a sarcastic laugh and looked away, he glanced down at his hands on the table. I wanted to believe him don't get me wrong my whole body was chemically aware of his presence and wanted nothing more than to be crushed to him, but I couldn't believe him. It never made sense, he and I together, I was awkward and clumsy and he was gorgeous and graceful. The months we spent together were heavenly and will forever be engraved in my soul, but I don't see how we could ever go back to how we were, if what he's saying is true, does he not realize he broke my heart tore it in two and destroyed it.
"Jake is good for you," I looked up shocked at his statement and stared at him wide-eyed, "I smell him on you," he said answering my inquisitive stare.
"I thought you hated werewolves."
"I do, but I saw him before I came here, when he was leaving, he loves you. As much as I am repulsed my him, he doesn't put you in jeopardy just by kissing you. I'm glad you have moved on." He said the last sentenced through strained teeth, a sign he was lying, does he not want me to move on?
"He's been here for me, he's helped me…feel alive again."
"Good. Bella I-" His sentence was cut short as his head jerked in the direction of the front door, "Charlie's coming, as much as I would love a reunion I have a feeling he will shoot me if he found me here."
"You're leaving," panic rose in me like a flame, my stomach churned, "you just got home-here, you just got here." Did I seriously just say that, get with the program Bella, his home isn't with you anymore.
His eyes were soft as he answered, "I'll be back, I promise" with that he left out the back door. The hole in my chest reappeared immediately, was it gone when he was here?
Before I knew it my feet were off the ground and Alice was carrying me upstairs. As soon as she set me on the bed I lost it, the sobs came uncontrollably my whole body shook from the tears I did not see coming. I heard Charlie enter the house and yell upstairs, luckily Alice was able to mimic my voice and respond as I continued to cry on her shoulder.
"I just don't understand" I said through sobs "I just don't."
"Bella, Edward should really explain everything himself, all I know is what I've been trying to tell you since I arrived. My brother loves you, my whole family does, I know you don't believe it because of our ridiculous actions but it's the truth." I trust Alice more than anyone but I still cant believe Edward loves me, she is telling the truth though, she had said several times the Cullen's love me when I asked about her family. It just doesn't make sense why would they leave, why would he leave if their love is true? Alice left a little while later, apparently she, Jasper, and Edward were staying in their old house, since it has been unoccupied for the last 7 months. I didn't eat dinner or brush my teeth or put on pajamas for that matter. I stayed, lying on my bed, until I drifted off to sleep.
I awoke abruptly in the middle of the night, I knew he was there, I didn't need to open my eyes to sense him sitting on my rocking chair like he did every night last year. I wanted to go back to sleep, pretend I didn't realize he was watching me sleep but I was wide awake, my whole body electrified by his presence and I hated it. I hated how he has been back in my life for just a matter of hours and he already has this kind of affect on me. I sat up and stared at him, he didn't move he just stared right back, the light from the window reflecting off his facing making his golden eyes glow.
"Were you happy, after you left?" my voice was thick and raspy from sleep but I knew he could make out every word perfectly.
"No, I thought I could get by on the thought that you were happy, that knowing that would make me happy. Then I saw Alice a couple weeks ago, I saw your face in her mind, you were smiling but the smile didn't reach your eyes. I knew you weren't happy, it could have just been that incident but that one smile was enough for me to make up my mind and return. All I know is that I use to make your smile reach your eyes…" He drifted off and looked down.
"I know you wont believe me Bella, but please try, I love you. These past 7 months have been the worst months of my life. Everything around me reminded me of you. I traveled a lot trying to escape familiarity, but I would see a freesia and remember your scent or see a copy of Romeo and Juliet and think of watching it with you. Everything around me brought me back to you, you were all I could think about. I was consumed by you without really being with you, and that was the most painful thing I've ever been through. Knowing you were here and not being able to touch you-"
"But you could touch me, if you came back you would have been able to touch me, hold me, kiss me I was yours completely."
"Could you ever be mine again?"
I sighed "I don't know Edward, I'm having a hard time even wrapping my head around the fact you are truly here in my bedroom." he nodded. "I want to believe you, I just don't think I can…you broke my heart." he winced when I said that, almost like my words had hurt him. Good, he should hurt, hurt like I had hurt, like I do hurt. I wanted to feel better at the fact that somehow I was getting the revenge I wanted but the sight of his face, contorted in pain, did not bring any triumphant joy. It just made me feel worse I didn't want to hurt him, did I? I know I should say yes, that he deserved it, but I couldn't. "I just need some time to think, come back tomorrow?" he nodded, then left out the window. As soon as he was out of the room the hole in my chest reappeared, is that a sign? Was what he saying true? I wish I had a lie detector I could hook him up to, then again you need a pulse to make one of those work and seeing as though he is technically dead and has no pulse that probably wont work. I twisted in my sheets and went back to sleep.
Alice arrived the next morning bright an early bopping her little head in the door as I opened my eyes then gracefully prancing in and perching on the edge of the bed. She cocked her head and stared at me expectantly.
"I'm guessing you want to know how last night went?" she smiled.
"He wouldn't say anything to me when he got home just banged on the piano all night." she rolled her eyes and crossed her legs Indian style.
"Like you don't already know! Little miss physic." She waved her hand like that fact was unimportant and signaled for me to tell. "Well he said he loves me, that these past months have been the worst months of his life, then he asked if I could ever be his again." Her mouth formed a little "o", "yeah big shock for you right?" she just smiled.
"And what did you say to that?"
"That I didn't know, that he broke my heart." Her face went from inquisitive to sympathetic, "he's going to come by today…"
"Well that's good!" I raised my eyebrow, "look Bella I know you want me to be on your side for this, but I love both of you, I want you both to be happy. I've seen a future in which you take him back and in which you don't. I cant tell you what to decide, sorry this one is on you. Though we will stay you until you decide, he's not going anywhere anytime soon." With that she placed a peck on my cheek then hopped off the bed toward the door, "Jazz and I are going to hunt, Edward should be here in 20 minutes, love you!"
I darted into the bathroom and took a quick shower, brushed my teeth and washed my face. Just to be a tease I decided I wanted to look good, when he was here. I put on some mascara and lip gloss Alice and I bought last week. I quickly tossed on a tight fitting pair of jeans and a loose t-shirt I didn't want to look to desperate. Alice was right, exactly 20 minutes later Edward climbed through my window.
"Hi" he says as soon as he's inside, his eyes quickly rake over my face and body and I begin to feel self conscious until I notice his breaths becoming quicker. Queue mischievous laugh of success. I sit down on the end of my bed and he resumed his place on the rocking chair. "I'm sorry for pressing all this on you Bella, I just its hard to be around you and not be with you. I know your with Jake and that I have no right to ask you to take me back, but I just want to know if there is any chance that you could ever forgive me. If there is I'll stay, if not I will disappear just like last time."
Jake, I forgot about my Jake. How could I leave him after all he has done for me, he was here to hold me when I cried and to make me laugh, he pulled me out of my deep depression, he saved me, when Edward abandoned me. Edward left me, convinced me he didn't love me or want me then left me scrambling about in an unfamiliar forest. He was not my true knight in shining armor. Yes I loved him at some point but not now. How dare he come back into my life asking for me back after I've been to hell and back. I was completely obsessed with him, obsession so deep it caused me to destroy who I was after he left. Even if I did take him back how could we ever be the same together, how could we move past everything that has happened. We can't, I can't be with him. Ill be with Jake, he is kind and can take care of me, and that's enough who needs true love right?
"I think you should go Edward, go and never come back." My voice was cold and distant, my heart turned to ice after the words were said. I felt breathless like I was about to have a panic attack, he looked at me, nodded then went out the window. Leaving me alone again, this time gone, truly forever.