I am not and never will be able to out buy Disney and therefore own Star Wars.
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Despite the droid's assurances otherwise, the scars hurt.
During his precious hours of contemplation, his thoughts return to Starkiller base, to loss and snow. He isn't surprised. His mind was always treacherous to his will. It reopened wounds older and deeper than the ones on his face, made by a girl he had attacked without mercy, and who had in turn made him suffer her own wrath.
No matter. Kylo Ren has killed hundreds. One more would be joining them in due time.
The First Order's medical staff had provided him with painkillers, should he require them. He doesn't use them. Pain helps him focus his power and call on the dark side. It sharpens his anger, insulating him from the light when his thoughts wander to happier times. His mentor, Snoke, had warned him that drawing on the dark side so much would leave his mind vulnerable to hallucinations.
He should have heeded his warning. Then, perhaps, he wouldn't be in this situation.
Kylo Ren is standing beside the holo-table, already tired and eager to leave the droning voices around him. He gives up even pretending to pay attention to General Hux when across the table, behind the mass of chairs and uniforms, and leaning against the stark black wall is the shape of a man he had killed. A pair of eyes which should not be there are staring at him.
He leaves Hux and the phantasm in the room without explanation.
Maybe the visor on his mask needs to be cleaned. Maybe the Force is trying to play a trick on him. Maybe the lack of sleep is finally getting to him. Solo is dead, nothing but ash floating in space with the ruins of Starkiller. He saw the man fall, run through by his own lightsaber.
He makes an excuse to free himself from any responsibilities for the near future and heads to his room.
Solo is there in his room, waiting for him, almost as though they have a special appointment.
As Kylo Ren enters, the apparition becomes clearer, though not quite solid. The wound which should have been in its chest is no longer there, though Kylo deems that the pain itself is not necessarily gone, judging by the look in the mirage's eyes.
"Leave me", he tells it, knowing that talking to the spirit of a non-Force sensitive is one of the major diagnosis of insanity throughout the galaxy.
The ghost shakes its head.
Kylo calls on the Force and makes a gesture. Nothing. Rather than ridding him of this nuisance, it elicits a familiar expression from the phantasm, one of tired patience.
He is the one who was never around, yet there he is, standing in judgement in front of him, disappointed that Ben has chosen to commit to something so meaningless with the life and power he'd been given.
Kylo is not Ben. Han Solo's opinions are not his concern. Even if he could still feel guilt, he wouldn't care. Kylo Ren's long-buried conscience has witnessed and allowed him to do worse things than dismiss the shadow of a failed father.
Kylo turns aways from the ghost and kneels before his grandfather's helmet in meditation. The world slowly slips aways from his senses. All sense of time fades. He is one with the Force, floating down the currents of the dark side and steered by his anger. He will not be defined by his past.
When he emerges from the trance, Solo is still there. Still judging him. He can't stand the scrutiny any longer.
"Why are you here? What do you want from me?!" he yells at the illusion, which cocks its head in a mocking simulation of contemplation before responding. The words echo through Kylo's mind.
"I want my son back."
Kylo flinches as though he were struck by lightning. He grabs the nearest object available, which happens to be the hilt of his lightsaber, and throws it at the shape. It passes through to slam against the wall and clatter harmlessly to the floor.
"Leave!" he says with what is meant to be a snarl but sounds more like a desperate plea.
"I'm not leaving without my son."
Kylo leaves his quarters terrified that he's losing his grip on reality.
Kylo Ren storms on to the bridge of his personal Resurgent-Destroyer, Finalizer. Those who do not immediately get out of his way are shoved aside or slammed into the bulkheads.
The bridge captain notices his approach and salutes. That's good. What he needs right now is obedience, not questions.
"Captain," he says. "Take us into hyperspace."
The captain is confused, but wisely doesn't resist. "Where to, my Lord?"
He chooses a location at random. The destination doesn't matter. He can explain to Snoke why and what he was running from later.
"You're always flying away, aren't you," Solo says, standing beside him and watching the blue light surround them. Kylo is suddenly grateful that his mask prevents people from seeing his expression when the stars around the battlecruiser begin to bend and stretch into beams of light. He glances around, noting that no one else seems aware of an old man or hears the amused voice. Acknowledging its presence will only spark questions regarding his health and sanity, so he ignores the phantom as he paces the bridge in an agitated manner.
Maybe he should contact his tutor. Surely Snoke would know of a means to exorcise him of this incorporeal pest. He was bound to have dealt with this sort of thing before.
He won't leave. Kylo continues to ignore Solo as he marches down the corridors of the Destroyer back to his quarters. The fact that it keeps pace with him as he enters his chambers confirms this things words for Kylo. Sleeping, waking, fighting. He is here with Kylo, and here with Kylo he will stay.
Kylo sits at his desk. He still needs to make a formal report explaining why he fled the meeting in such a rush. He does his best not to listen or watch as Solo walks around his room, looking over his few possessions and commenting on them. "Why do you have this? This helmet is gross. You used to have better sense." and "This fresher is dirty. When was the last time you had a cleaning droid come in here? But then again, you were always messy."
"Stop talking."
"Leia would be furious if she could see this sorry place."
"Shut up!" His control snaps. It's stupid, but his father always knew how to get under his skin. "If you weren't already dead, I would kill you again."
"If you hadn't killed me, we wouldn't get to spend this quality time together."
Frustrated, Kylo stands up, glowering. "I will ask again: What do you want?"
Solo's ghost approaches him. Kylo can see the opposite wall through its body. With every silent step, his heartbeat races faster. His breathing becomes labored and wild as the simulacrum stands in front of him.
"I told you, I want my son back."
"Your son is dead. Just like you." Kylo knows this for fact since he killed both.
"Then I'll just wait for him to find his ghost."
Kylo wonders if he's really gone mad. A part of him, the tiny, scared boy within, wishes he was. It will always be afraid that its last victim will lash out and kill the monster that inhabits his body.
Kylo feels an impossibly tangible touch as Solo puts his hand on his shoulder.
"I'm right here, Ben," he says. "I'm right here with you, son."
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