This was written by my super amazing gorgeous brother Sam, who totally did not write this introduction*. This is something he wrote for his Honors Lit. Class. It has Obi-Wan from Star Wars, Gene from A Separate Peace, Jack from Lord of the Flies, and Elie from Night, all on the Planet of the Apes. For some extra fun, find an online translator, and type in the things Elie says.
FUZZY KITTENS FTW.
*yes he did.
Weirdness on the Planet of the Apes
Gene looked at the pink stone he had picked up. It wasn't like any rock he had ever seen before. Puzzled, he held it up to the light and brushed off a few clumps of dirt.
What the-? , he thought. The rock almost looked like- a monkey's head.
Shaking his head, he put it in his pocket and started back toward his bike. As he hopped on, he noticed a strange feeling, almost like someone was tugging on his arm. He shrugged it off and started to head back to Devon.
A few minutes later, the wind picked up and it started to rain. Gene lowered his head and started to pedal faster. Suddenly, his nose began to tickle. He sniffed and tried to ignore it, but the tickling in his nose was fast growing into a tremendous sneeze. Eventually he just couldn't hold it in any longer, so he tilted his head back and let it out. But what he didn't know was that he had hit a bump in the road at the same time.
As he flipped head over heels with his bike, he cringed, expecting to slide along the harsh road. But when he landed, it was on soft dirt, not on the asphalt. Using his totaled bike as a support, he struggled to stand as he looked around. He gasped at what he saw.
All around him was a thick jungle. Immense trees towered above him everywhere he looked. It almost looked like some of the pictures he had seen in textbooks back at home.
At home…He looked around. Where was he now? He was suddenly interrupted by a harsh blow to the back of his head. He fell down, and as everything started fading to black, he heard someone say, "I've got another one!"
Then darkness.
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Jack tried to stand up, and groaned. One of the other boys had tripped him by accident, and he had twisted his ankle badly. He sat down on a log to massage it, and a few minutes passed. After a while, he decided he could stand on it, so he got up.
As he started to head back to the clearing where the shelters were, he heard a crackling sound and turned around. Fire, he realized. He started to run faster, but with his hurt ankle, the flames soon caught up to him. As he began to suffocate from the smoke, he saw the pig's head that he had placed on a stake, and heard laughter. Then it all went away.
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Obi-Wan braced himself as his ship was rocked by fire from the AA guns on General Grievous' ship. "I'm hit!" he screamed over the radio. He tried to steady his ship, but to no avail. "Anakin, I… I think this is goodbye." He said slowly.
"Master, no!" came the reply. "I'll come get you!"
But it was too late. His ship began spinning and tumbling faster and faster, and he was unable to control it. Suddenly, however, it stopped. Obi-Wan felt a huge ripple in the Force, and there was a bright flash. He looked out the window. He was soaring over a vast jungle, and was rapidly losing altitude. "Artoo!" he screamed to the droid located on the left wing of the ship. "Eject!"
There was a huge rush of air as the top flew off of his fighter, and he launched into the air. Supported by his parachute, he looked at the droid, who beeped back angrily.
"No, I don't know where we are, Artoo… no, I didn't do this on purpose!" he shook his head. A few minutes later, they came to a stop on the ground.
"doo-WEET!" exclaimed the little robot.
"No, Artoo." said Obi-Wan. "Bring up a map of the galaxy, and try to triangulate our position."
A little map of the galaxy, projected from somewhere in the droid's center, appeared to swirl around for a moment before some words appeared. LOCATION NOT FOUND, proclaimed the large letters. Obi-Wan sighed and looked up and around him at the large clearing they were in.
"Where are we?" He wondered aloud. He concentrated and tried to use the Force to locate Yoda, Windu, or any of the Jedi Masters, but he failed to do so. He simply felt an emptiness, a void, as if they were all dead.
Suddenly, a whole bunch of creatures erupted from the forest on all sides, shouting angrily. Obi-Wan blinked twice. They looked like monkeys.
"Hello.", he said, walking forward and holding out his hand. "My name is –"
"Silence!" the thing snarled, and lashed out with a sword. "Filthy human!"
A heavy net rained down on him from somewhere, and he quickly fell to his knees. He looked up. He could easily use his lightsaber to escape from the netting, but he thought it best not to. One of the monkey-creatures hit him in the face with a long staff.
"Get down!" it shouted. He obeyed.
Artoo wasn't faring much better. One of the creatures held him up in the air by one leg, and the little robot squealed insolently.
"What is this thing?" asked one of them, shaking it. Artoo stuck out a little arm and shocked him. "Argh!" shouted the creature, dropping him. The little droid righted itself and quickly sped off into the forest.
Godspeed, Artoo, thought Obi-Wan. The apes picked him up in the net and examined him closely.
"This one looks very healthy!" said the creature.
"My good man, I do believe there's been some sort of –"
"Man?" Interrupted the beast. It laughed, and one huge fist pounded into Obi-Wan's stomach. When he had regained his strength, he tried again.
"Come on now, it's obvious that I'm not the one you're looking for.", he laughed, weaving the power of the Force into his words. "You should just let me go and forget all about me."
"You're not what I want. I think I'll just let you go." The monkey said, laughing nervously. As he started to do so, another creature came up.
"Hey, Vargas!" it said. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The monkey named Vargas seemed to snap out of it. Shaking his head confusedly, he tossed Obi-Wan into a cart with some other people. Reins cracked, a horse neighed, and the cart started moving.
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Gene held his aching head and sat up. He looked around. He was in a cell with three other people. There was a young boy, an old man, and a boy about his age who looked as if he had been starved.
"Meine Lieblingsnahrung ist Magenfett?" asked the boy his age. Gene shook his head.
"That's Elie." said the old man. "He wants to know if you are going to eat that." He pointed in front of Gene. Gene looked down, and picked up a small chunk of meat.
"Ugh, it's raw." he said, wrinkling his nose.
"Here, let me help you with that." Looking around, the man walked over to where Gene was sitting and held out his hand. Suddenly, a beam of light shot forward.
"Whoa!" shouted Gene, jumping back.
The man held the light next to the piece of meat. There was the slight sound of sizzling, and the smell of cooked meat filled the air. The man held the meat out to Gene, and said, "Here you are. My name is Obi-Wan."
Gene took a bite of the meat, but he wasn't very hungry. He handed it to Elie.
"What was that?" he asked Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan peered between the bars to make sure the guards weren't looking, and then extended the object again.
"This is a lightsaber." He explained. "It is a Jedi's tool of trade."
Gene was puzzled. "But… couldn't you just use that to get us out of here? I doubt anybody could stop us."
The man shook his head. "Look out there, young one." He gestured toward the bars, and Gene looked. "They're normal living beings, just like us. To kill them would be murder, regardless of what species they are. And besides," Obi-Wan paused, and Gene looked up. "Humans like us seem to be in the minority. There would be nowhere to run to."
The younger boy in the corner stood up. "What kind of bloody stupid thinking is that? We need to get out of here! And if we kill them because of it, then sucks to them for trapping us here in the first place!"
Obi-Wan glared at him. Then he began to talk soothingly. "That's no way to think, Jack. To them, we're no smarter than dogs. How would you like it if your pet dog told you that you had no right to own him, and that he and other dogs were trying to start their own civilization?"
Jack only glared back twice as fiercely. "Stupid grown-up!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing now, trying to tell me how to think? Just like a stupid grown-up!"
Noticing that there had been something strange about Obi-Wan's voice, Gene asked him, "What were you trying to do?"
The man turned to him and sighed. "Sometimes, when we Jedi use the Force, we can persuade people of things that they would not normally believe." He looked at Gene. "But it only works on generally weak-minded people."
Elie looked up at Jack and said quietly, "Asian Frauen sind blutiges herrliches."
Jack whirled around on Obi-Wan. "What did he say?"
Obi-Wan shook his head. "I'm not sure. He either said something like "Asian women are bloody gorgeous" or "I prefer it here. They feed me more and treat me better than my captors did in the place from whence I came." But I'm pretty sure it was the first one."
Jack turned angrily on Elie. "Asians! Asians are all midgets, and they talk funny too! Latino women are much better! Stupid grown-up!"
Gene sighed and massaged his temples. "This little kid is getting really annoying."
Obi-Wan nodded in agreement. "Yes, I agree. It's a special kind of prick that likes Latino women more than Asian women."
Suddenly, the sound of metal banging against metal loudly filled the cell. "Silence, you mongrels!" shouted the gorilla who was hitting the bars with his sword. "When General Thade gives the order, all you stupid humans will be killed anyway!" He started to leave, but then he turned back. "And by the way…" his eyes trailed off. "Asian women are pretty cute." He quickly turned away and left, embarrassed.
Obi-Wan turned away. "Hmm…" he said, stroking his beard thoughtfully. "The gorillas are going to kill off all of the humans? How disconcerting. You know," here he paused, holding up one finger and looking at Gene, "If this were some student's creative writing assignment, this would be referred to as the conflict, just in case it was hard to tell." He looked away again.
Gene scratched his head, confused. "What are you talking about? This is hardly the time for jokes, old man!"
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Later that night…
Someone was shaking Gene awake. "Intelligenter als der durchschnittliche Bär! Ich genieße screensavers mit swimsuit Modellen auf ihnen!"
Gene opened his eyes. It was Elie. "What is it, Elie?" he asked.
Suddenly, Elie coughed, and blood came out. Gene looked up, and saw that one of the monkeys had run poor Elie through with his sword.
"No! Elie!" he shouted. The monkey just laughed and raised the sword higher. Gene cringed, but before the monkey could swing, there was a huge flash of light. The monkey's body fell to the ground as his head rolled toward Gene. It was Obi-Wan, lightsaber at the ready.
"Come on, Eugene!" he shouted. "We're going to esca -" he never finished his sentence, as a dozen arrows had buried themselves in his body.
"No!" cried Gene. "Obi-Wan!" He ran over to the man's body.
"…Here…" said Obi-Wan, placing something in his hands. "Protect…Jack…" then his eyes went dull, and Gene was holding a lifeless corpse.
Gene stood up. He looked at what Obi-Wan had given him, and discovered that he was holding the man's lightsaber. Enraged by the death of his dear friend, he ignited it and screamed.
He charged at the monkeys who had killed Obi-Wan. He suddenly felt something… a power, a Force, rising withing him, as he effortlessly dodged arrows and swords, and sliced his enemies' bodies in half.
When it was all over, he looked up and saw Jack, and the blood pulsing behind his eyeballs abruptly ceased. Jack was darting away down a corridor. Somehow, instinctively, Gene could feel that Jack was going the wrong way, so he called out to him. "Jack! You're going the wrong way! It's this way!" he shouted, waving the boy over toward him.
The boy glared spitefully. "And why the hell should Ilisten to you?" But he obediently followed.
As they fled into the night, Gene cried. He cried for Obi-Wan. He cried for Elie. He cried for all of the monkeys that he had slain that night. But most of all, he cried for himself.
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Many months later… hearing of the two slaves who escaped from captivity, other humans made their bids for freedom, and journeyed halfway across the continent to join them. Soon ,they numbered in the hundreds.
However, General Thade had gathered his forces as well, and prepared them to attack all that remained of humanity on this godforsaken planet. Gene, and less prominently, Jack, were in command of a lot of people. But it would not be enough.
Gene stared from his position on the mountaintop at the oncoming army of monkeys that completely covered parts of the horizon. He shook his head.
"Jack." He said, putting his hand on the other boys' shoulder. "I fear we are not going to make it."
Jack roughly shoved his arm away. "Shut up! Quit talking to me and treating me like I'm you're friend! I don't need some grown-up like you constantly telling me things!" And on that note, he turned away and left.
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It was about midday when the monkeys charged. "Alright, men!" Gene shouted. "Prepare for battle!"
The two armies had almost collided, Thade's well-trained soldiers versus Gene's ragtag group of anybody well enough to fight, when suddenly, Gene was knocked over on his face. He looked up and saw and army of raptors- yes, raptors! rushing down the hill towards the battle. He started to panic, when suddenly he realized that the raptors were heading past his men, and straight to the gorillas. There, they proceeded to tear flesh with teeth and claws. When the battle was over, and bearded man atop a lion approached Gene, at the same time deactivating a blue lightsaber.
"Pretty nice, huh?" said the man.
Gene looked at him and blanched. "What the- it's Jesus!"
"And me, too!" growled Aslan, whom Jesus happened to be sitting on.
"What are you guys doing here!?!" exclaimed Gene.
"Helping you out, duhr!" said Jesus.
"But… why?" Gene said, extremely confused.
"Because ten pages is only so much room…" muttered Aslan, but nobody seemed to hear him. Jesus dismounted and walked towards Gene.
"You guys would have been completely decimated without any help, and seeing as your character development was not yet complete, me and my buddy Aslan here" he gestured toward the lion- "decided to gather up the souls of any raptors who actually made into heaven, and come help you."
Gene blinked several times, trying to gather it all in. "My character what? What are you talking about?"
"It doesn't matter." said Jesus, waving it off. "Me and Azzy need to send you back to where you belong."
"Oh, Jesus Christ!" cried Aslan suddenly.
"What is it?" said He.
"We're on the ninth page already! And all in one day too!" said the Lion.
Gene stood and stared, mouth wide open. "What on earth are you guys talking about?"
"Never mind." said Jesus. "Jack?"
"What?" the boy said rudely.
"Now wait just one minute!" said Jesus. "Do you know who I am? I think you should speak a little more nicely to me!" he shook His head. "R2-D2?' he asked.
The little droid beeped cautiously from behind a rock.
"Alright, now I'm going to send you guys back home." Jesus pulled back His sleeves, raised His arms, and POOF!
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Gene awoke, as if from a deep slumber, in a large metal corridor. What the- he thought. This isn't Devon.
He stood up and quickly ignited his lightsaber, surprised to find that it now glowed a bright red instead of the deep blue it once was. He was about to start walking when he heard a voice from behind him.
"Hello." It said icily.
Gene turned around and pointed his lightsaber. There stood a mysterious hooded figure. He didn't seem to notice, or care, that Gene's lightsaber was pointed directly at him.
"Do you know how to use thing?" said the man. He started to walk in a circle around Gene. "Maybe I could teach you."
Gene lowered his lightsaber just a little bit. "What?"
The old man laughed darkly, and continued. "I sense that the Force is strong in you, young one. Allow me to teach you. Become my Padawan, and I can teach you all the secret of the universe." He paused. "Join me… come to the dark side."
Gene thought about it for a moment, and decided that he liked the incredible sense of power emanating from the old man. He looked up, determined. "Okay."
"Perfect." said the man. He smiled and showed rows of yellowed teeth. "Whatever your old name was, forget it. You will now be known as… Darth Vader."
Darth Vader nodded. He liked that name. "But wait a second... who are you?"
The figure grinned again. "Why, my boy… you don't know? My name is… Emperor Palpatine. He threw back his hood, and Darth Vader gasped. What he saw was not a man… it was a monkey.
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