Alcohol.
All races of the galaxy used it for several different reasons; some drank their sorrows away, some simply to loosen up or wind down. There were others however, seen to be dirt by society, whose bodies compelled them to lift the poison to their lips - addicts.
Tonight however, staff lieutenant Kaidan Alenko used it to get the truth.
No doubt someone, somewhere, was frowning on the lieutenant's actions – he surely had no right to know this answer and yet he persisted and found himself no longer caring. He wanted, no, needed an answer. It was as simple as that.
Of course, he realised, nothing was ever simple with the commander. He had spent days by her side, whether in battle or simply during down time on the Normandy, and still he could not figure out her motivations, her thoughts. It was maddening.
Hence, the need for an answer.
Summoning the nerves, he spoke aloud; his voice awakening her from her drunken stupor. "Shepard, can I ask you something?" Bleary eyed, she looked at him and laughed. Not the derisive snort she was so fond of doing when dealing with "annoying bitches" as she liked to call them. No, this was a giggle, high pitched and airy – something she would no doubt punch someone for had she known she was doing it. Luckily for him, she didn't.
"Kaiidan? You're Kai-DAN. Not Kai-DEN!" Somehow, this was hilarious to her.
Kaidan merely laughed at how his commander seemed to be turned into a giggling school girl after, what, two bottles of wine?
Damn.
"Commander," He paused. "Shepard I want to..." Interruptions appeared before he could finish the sentence, complete with shouting and wild gestures – as was seemingly her way.
"Firstly, my name isn't Shepard, it's Dahlia. DA-HL-IA. Remember that. And secondly..." She hesitated, thinking of a second point. "Secondly, we have no more wine and I blame you, you b...you ba...biotic"
"Elegant." He snorted. "You sound surprised." Laughing, she turned and fetched another bottle from the mess hall before returning.
In the time that passed for Shepard to find more alcohol (which took a long time in Shepard's drunken state) Kaidan managed to gain some confidence, perhaps it was because he had been around Shep...Dahlia he corrected, and saw her as a human as opposed to the frightening force that was unleashed from the Normandy every now and then to take down, well, anyone really. Here, she was less intimidating, more human. Her guard was let down, only a little mind.
He liked to think he had something to do with it, despite all the bad connotations it brought, 'fraternisation' being frowned upon and all that.
"Dahlia, listen. I need to know something and I'd like to ask now when we have the time and space." He took her hiccough as an indication to continue. He sighed, not knowing whether she was in the right frame of mind for this but his tongue continued flapping and he was helpless but to watch. "I want to know why you chose me. Why I was the one to survive instead of Ash."
He had ruined the night instantly, that much was obvious. Dahlia would retreat to wearing Shepard the mask and become the bitch, the renegade she let the world see; the one she finally had started to shed in front of Kaidan.
And he had blown it.
The wine was re-corked, glasses put away and she was urging him to leave with that cold, detached voice she had seemingly perfected over the years. "Staff lieutenant," Using his rank and his subordination bitingly she continued. "It is in your best interests to relocate to your own sleep pod for the night; we have work to do in the morning."
He was surprised how sober she could appear to be in such a short time though certain signs that she was not 'normal' yet were clear: her drooping eyes, her heavy breathing, her uncoordinated movements.
"Look, I'm sorry I brought it up I just...it's hard you know?"
With a blaze of biotic blue, his sentence was cut short, his question unanswered as he was forced to stagger into the wall.
"It's hard for you? You have no fucking idea what it's like to make difficult choices! Choose between two people who should live and who should die, two people who you care about..." And she had said too much, she feared, and again she became Shepard, a ghost of her former self; the emotionless Spectre. He snorted,
'Spectre.' How appropriate for her
"I have no idea because you don't talk to me, not properly!"
Wow, that's great Kaidan. Just piss her off more. That'll work out just fine.
It was her turn to snort now. "Ha! So I should come to you, bitch and moan about my life? No fucking thanks."
"And what's so wrong with that? You made me do exactly the same as I recall." Her form did not back down but her blue aura had stopped, a little anyway. "That was different Kaidan. That was harmless..." She didn't elaborate, had no chance to as Kaidan was quick to jump in, his nerves being stretched thin; alcohol no doubt had a bad effect on him. "You just can't stand anyone knowing anything about you, can you? I mean, it'd be just awful if someone started to actually care about you, wouldn't it?"
He tried to say it spitefully but Kaidan wasn't wired that way; he was never one for hurting people.
Especially not her.
He thought he would have liked to have seen the Shepard charade broken but all he saw was Dahlia, frightened, sitting on the edge of the desk, biting her nails with a feral need for distraction from such 'cloying' thoughts. His stomach knotted and his throat tightened at the sight of Dahlia, indestructible, gnawing on her own hand like a lonely child in need of...something. Although he knew she was only this fragile due to the alcohol he couldn't help but feel sympathy for her, after all, a 'drunken mouth speaks a sober heart' or some crap like that.
A whisper, a whimper escaped from Dahlia.
"I didn't want to lose you."
Her words ricocheted within his head. Overcome with emotion he was unsure of whether to embrace her or not so he opted for the safer option of sitting beside her on the desk. Inside he cursed himself for his cowardice, he should be comforting her in times like these, instead he was being his usual, awkward self, unsure of what to do.
"I know you didn't want to and I'm grateful, I really am but sometimes it's just...I feel guilty, I don't know." "I hear you. Everything is just so confused right now with Saren and the Reapers...and everything." Surprised by her stating her feelings, he simply nodded and agreed with her whilst rubbing her back soothingly. "And you don't make it any easier, bastard." She smiled at him, defusing the harshness of her words. And he smiled back. He took her hand in his and they both sat in comfortable silence, alcohol letting him no longer care about what regulations he broke or what boundaries he overstepped.
I owe the person who made alcohol a beer.
Sadly, this made Kaidan laugh.
The silence would not last long though. He knew she wanted to protest, if not about the rule of fraternisation then about how it was wrong for her to get 'attached' but he managed to silence these thoughts with a kiss, imperfect and full of teeth and tongues as it was. But she seemed unable - or unwilling- to stop him. She was compelled by her body to continue, as was he, both addicts in their own right.