Author's note!: Hey guys! So my dear best friend was talking smack, and said that no matter what I wrote, I wouldn't be able to make her cry. And to that I say "Challenge Accepted" So Blame It On Bad Luck and Eye For An Eye wer put on hold to prove a point. Obviously, this isn't exactly the chuckle barn...but I do love it :) The song is Answers We'll Never Get by Bayside...who is like, my favorite band, and *all* of their songs are amazing, so you should give them a listen, especially if you're feeling angsty :) So, enjoy, and review! Por Favor :) let me know if deserve to win the challenge!
Disclaimer!: I don't own the Saints, or Bayside...damn it all.
I wonder
If I said the right things
Would this wound have bled so much
Words are all that we have left for us
There were times where I was glad that we weren't identical. We could only share so much you know? A fella's got to have his own face, in my opinion. Identical would have made things easier sometimes though. If I had a shot for every time someone thought we were a couple…but more so, I wish we were identical now. That way, I would have something, anything to hold on too. Instead, I had nothing.
I had memories, sure, but lately, all I had memories of were me and my brother and the Calling. The one I had been so sure we could handle. The one I had promised him we could handle. God, I hated lying to him.
Is it a lie, if you don't know you're lying?
I had lied to him about having control. But, we always had control, that's why this last time was such a kick to the gut. A violent, rib shattering kick to the gut.
That last time hadn't been like anything we had been used too. There was so much blood. Flowing freely out of my brother, through my fingers, and onto the ground around us. I couldn't make it stop, I tried to damn hard, but I couldn't make it stop. The blood just kept flowing out of him. Out of the person that meant more to me than anything else in the world. That was my brother.
He depended on me, and I hadn't been able to protect him. I had let him down. I had let him down, and it had cost him his life. Oh God, he was dead.
That was never any easier to even think about. I hadn't been able to voice the fact yet. Everyone watched me like a hawk. Wondering what I was going to try.
I hated to disappoint, but I had nothing let in me to try. I was struck with this realization. I had nothing to show for us. Nothing whatsoever. Our relationship showed itself. We were what we had to show for each other. It was our relationship. Now, I didn't even have that. He took that with him when the life died out of his eyes.
I had nothing.
My best friend, my brother, my twin, and I had nothing.
Maybe that wasn't true. I had his last words. The last breath he drew on this planet, and he wasted it talking to me. He lay there dying, and he used his final breath to comfort me.
Ná bíodh imní ort. Beidh tú ceart go leor. I ngrá leat
Don't worry. You'll be okay. I love you.
I didn't deserve that. Not in the slightest.
I realized the meaning behind the words, and I was grateful for them. But I couldn't steal a lighter from the words, I couldn't get a drink with the words.
But they were all I had left.
I wonder
Why you had to be in such a rush
I'll march into my graveyard and bury you now
The last man standing
But not the last one laughing
While worms eat your body and the fog covers your grave
I'll still be trying
To get your laugh out of my head
We went to fast. We went much too fast. We didn't stop to think. That was our fatal flaw. We relied too heavily on our faith. We put too much pull on a being who's basis of faith was free will. He wasn't one for swooping down and pulling you out of situations that we had put ourselves into.
Still, if he couldn't save my brother, the least he could've done was kill us both.
That way, neither of us would have to know what it was like to follow a coffin towards the plot of land that was going to house the other part of us. Like I was right now.
We had walked by the graveyard thousands of times. Each time, it had looked like a small piece of land. There weren't many headstones. When I had voiced this, my twin just smiled. God doesn't like ta kill the Catholics, remember?
That small piece of land now stretched ahead of me like a continent. With the final destination looming overhead. Foreboding, and the last place you wanted to end up, but, we had nowhere else to go. It was the only ending.
The priest had us gather around, and he blessed the area, and he said the prayer. I still couldn't believe this was happening. It still wasn't real. Not to me. I kept waiting for my brother to toss an arm around me, and murmur that it was okay.
After a while, it was just me and him. The crowd that he had gathered to say goodbye finally dispersed. It was just me, him, and the grave. I approached the wood slowly, and stood there for a very long time. I was trying to force myself to comprehend this. I wanted to feel the grief, not just anticipate it. I wanted to feel the pain, and terror and sorrow that was going to hit me. I wanted to feel the open wound of losing my brother.
That way, I could remember how to love my brother.
I wished I didn't have to put him underground. He'd never really liked cramped places, hell, he probably fuckin' hated the coffin. First, I put him there, then I put him underground. He probably fuckin' hated me. I was going to put him underground, suffocating him forever. He was going to stop looking like my brother at some point. His face was going to disappear.
If we were identical, at least I'd still have that. But we weren't. We couldn't look anymore different. We were nothing alike. Opposites in every sense of the word.
That's why I missed him so much. Whenever I felt like breaking, he'd have a way to make me laugh. Usually without trying. He was always laughing, and his laugh was infectious. He'd have whole pubs in stitches, and not have a fuckin' idea why everyone was laughing too. No one else got the joke, they just had to listen to him laugh and they would crack up themselves.
The pressure behind my eyes started to build up again. He took so much more then he realized with him.
I just need some more
Just need some more time
It's not how we should say goodbye
Wasted my time
I wanted him back. This wasn't fair. We didn't have nearly enough time. That argument probably wouldn't be enough for God. We'd had our whole lives together. But that wasn't enough. When you love someone it's never enough. I needed him still, I had my entire life left, and I didn't know how to live it alone. How the hell was I supposed to get up everyday, and not have my heart break when I realized he wasn't there. How the hell was life without him supposed to become normal?
How the hell was I supposed to go to church and pray to the God that took him? How the hell was I supposed to go to McGinty's without him. How the fuck was I supposed to hear my name without hearing his?
How the fuck was I supposed to wait to see him?
My shaking hands pulled my rosary off. I couldn't stand here forever, no matter how much I wanted to crawl into that hole with him, I wouldn't be able to do it. But at the same time, I didn't know how to say goodbye. I don't think I had ever told him 'goodbye' in our life. He was always there. No matter where. He was always with me, and we were never apart for more then five days. Even then, it was 'later' or 'see ye.' Never goodbye. It had never been goodbye.
The first time I said goodbye to him shouldn't have to be the final time as well.
I wanted to start over. I wanted to redo everything. I wanted to go back to square one, and make sure that I didn't squander anything I had been lucky enough to have. I didn't want to fight with him, but we had fought all the time. Play and serious. I feel like I should have spent more time telling him that I loved him.
He'd only call me gay. But at least that way he'd know. He'd know for sure, without a shadow of a doubt that I loved him, with all my heart.
How much of the time we had did we waste? How much did we throw to the side like it was nothing, how many trips to the pub did we really appreciate?
How many times did we light two smokes, out of habit? How many times would I do that before my body got the message that he wasn't there to take the other one.
How many times did we patch each other up after a particularly bloody fight? How many times did I actually say thank you?
How many times did we got to church together? How many times did I thank God for the man kneeling next to me.
Nowhere near enough. That's for fuckin' sure.
I placed the rosary onto the wooden coffin. "I have something ta say ta ye."
And I thought you were stronger than ones before
When I said that I needed some time
I didn't expect you to quit
Now that I lost you
Feels like I lost myself
I found regret
"I have ta say this now, or I'll never get the balls ta say it again. I don't want this ta taint yer memory." I took a deep breath. "I'm so fuckin' mad at ye. More then ye could possibly understand. I hate dat I'm mad at ye, I really do, but damn it, how da fuck could ye leave me here? How da fuck could ye justify doin' dat ta me?
"We're big boys, and I get dat, but ye don't get ta just leave man, ye can't just quit on me. I mean, what da fuck happened back there huh? Ye didn't fight. Ye didn't even try. Ye just laid there and died. Why didn't ye fight? Why didn't ye put forth any effort ta stay alive? If not for yerself, den for me. How could ye leave me here. Do ye even understand what dis is like? We've been the Brothers MacManus our whole fuckin' lives. Now it's just me. Do ye have any clue what it's like here? Do ye? Ye left me behind man, what da hell happened ta all or nothing? What da hell happened ta sharing? How could ye just leave me, with all of dis? Ye realize I'm goin' ta have ta tell our family what happened? Ye've always been da strong one. How could ye falter on me den?
"I don't like being alone. Not at all. It's terrifying, and I'm not used ta it. It's foreign, and I feel like vulnerable. I feel like half me own fuckin' body was torn off and thrown ta the side. I feel worthless. I feel dead without the luxury of actually bein' dead. Yer a part of me man, and yer dead. I'm fuckin' rotting away from da inside without ye, and ye left. I can't believe ye fuckin' left. Even now. Even as I'm standing at yer fuckin' grave. This is yer damn grave man. Once ye go in, I'll never see ye again.
"But nothin' I say changes anything. Because, yer dead. Yer gone. I couldn't save ye, and I'll never be able to fix dat mistake. We always get second chances, ye realize dat? We always have. We've been favored dat way. We…'we' don't exist anymore do we? It's I. I'm on me own. It's I. I've been favored with second chances. Figures the only thing I really regret in me life, is the one thing I can't take back.
"I would too. I'd take it all back, if I could. Everything. Every time I made ye cry when we were little, every time I didn't stand up for ye when we were kids, every time some bastard punched ye in high school. Everything. I hope ye know dat. I hope ye believe it. I hope ye know, dat I never wanted this to happen ta ye. I never would purposefully drag you inta something that could kill you." I choked. "That did kill ye I suppose.
"I'm scared man. I'm scared ta walk out of this graveyard, and face da world alone. I am alone too. We-I have friends, but they're not ye. They won't ever be ye. They know dat too. But they'll try. God help them, they'll try. I just wish I knew how ta do this. I wish ye could at least tell me dat. Would dat be so hard? Ye don't have anything else fer me?
"Can ye at least tell me ye hear me?"
Answers we'll never get
Answers we'll never get
"I don't want ta leave ye here alone. I want ye ta know dat. I want ye ta know dat I tried my best ta take care of us. I want ye ta know how hard I worked ta keep us going. I want ye ta know dat our trips ta da pub could make my whole day in da first five minutes. I want ye ta know dat I trusted ye with me life. I want ye ta know dat I'm sorry I lost yers. I want ye ta know dat I never hated ye, not once. No matter what I told ye. I want ye ta know dat I never blamed ye for Rocco. I want ye ta know dat yer me best friend. I want ye ta know dat I stole yer smokes, cuz yers tasted better. I want ye ta know dat I'm hurtin' but I love ye too much ta join ye by my own hand. I want ye ta know I'll take care of myself, for ye. I want you ta know how much fun getting into shit was, ye and yer stupid ideas. I want ye to know dat I always thought ye were da big brother."
The pressure behind my eyes finally gave way, and I could feel the heat on my face as the tears snuck out. I ran my hand across my face. "And I want ye ta know dat I love ye. More den anything. Yer me brother, me twin. Ye meant the world ta me, and ye still do. Ye know dat right?"
I looked away from the coffin, and towards the sky. "Please tell me ye know dat. Please, just answer me dat.
"Come on man, please."
So there it is...so tell me, did I win? :) Thanks guys! *heart* Eris