Rated M for Mature
Disclaimer: I am writing this for purely content on my computer. If you are reading this and I am not here then you have stolen my computer and I am going to sue your ass. So, here we go
A Good Fan Fiction
By Philip Morris
Enter harry and Ron stage right
harry: How now fair Ron?
Ron: Well, blah blah blah dialogue blah blah dialogue:
Enter Robert
Robert: Fuck you all, batches. This story is no longer about all you. It is now about me.
When I was a young lad I used to like to pick flowers and smell them. I would then press them in books to keep them nice. Jake B_ sucks, and I am glad he is not here.
Enter Jake B_
Robert: Fucking A. Speak of the Jew now.
Jake: Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. WHAT IS UP, DOC!
Robert: Not much. What brings you here, Jack? Not doing homework again I see?
Jake: Yes, sir. You betcha. Also, so I noticed something today that is pretty deep. So, like, what if…?
Robert: (interrupts) Let me cut you off there. I mean it's pretty late and we should get going.
Jake: Alright. LET'S DO THIS
[Exeunt]
Scene 2
(enter graveyard at night. A wolf howls at the moon)
Enter Jake
Jake: …ash (starts choking, turns blue, falls down dead)
Enter Robert
Robert: Something I could never do because…oh, wait I could have. Just didn't have the time to come up with the best way. (kicks jakes body). What a waste? When I look back on these years, no matter how successful or unsuccessful I become, I will know that not spending more time on planing Jake's demise was the biggest waste of my life.
Enter Plot Hole (inconspicuously)
Enter Jake
Jake: Robert! Look out!
(the body of Jake on the ground explodes in flames)
Robert: Uhhhh… so anyways, what are we doing in this graveyard again?
Jake: How else do you make money illegitimately in 19th century England? We're nightmen - grave robbers?
Robert: That does explain these shovels
Enter Shovels (thrown)
Exit Plot Hole
Jake: Good-bye…(voice trails off) You'll always be the one.
Robert: What!
Jake: Nothing. So…
Robert: Yes?
Jake: Umm, yeah.
Robert: The bodies?
Together: Right.
Enter Harry Potter and Voldemort
Harry: I'll get you Voldemort for killing my friend Cederic Dilgory!
Voldemort: (coolly) No, you won't. I'll kill you dead.
Robert: Wait, what! What is this?
Jake: Are we in the middle of a concurrent Harry Potter fan fiction again?
Robert: Seems so. Shall you have the honor sir?
Jake: I shall.
(Robert and Jake smash Harry and Voldemort's face in with the shovels. It is a very bloody and prolonged endeavor. The stage is a mess afterwards. The Janitor has to come on to start cleaning up or there will be stains)
Robert: Ok, let's just load the bodies into the cart and then we don't have to dig.
Jake: Forrizzle. (for this line Jake's actor is replaced by award winning actor morgan freeman. The above line is to be pronounced exactly as God intended. Aka Morgan Freeman.)
Robert: (looks incredulously at Jake) Did you just become black for a second there?
Jake: No, but I think I am now Cuba Gooding Jr. (He is correct)
Robert: Well I think this is a good enough time for a scene change.
[Exeunt]
Scene 3
(enter the cabin of the star ship enterprise)
Enter Robert (dressed up like he is from star trek, portrayed by famous actor Sean Connery )
Enter Jake from across the cabin (Jake played by famous actor, William Shatner)
Jake: We can't both be captains of this ship.
Robert: Why not?
Jake: Only one captain's cabin.
Robert: So, we've shared a room before?
Jake: Two words. One Bed.
Robert: Oh you would be right then. I resign my post and am now self-appointing myself as the layabout.
Jake: False, you gave up your rights as captain before you appointed yourself.
Robert: Damn, a technicality. The BEST kind of technicality, in fact.
Jake: I appoint you to ship cook. Make me a samich, batch. (back hand slaps Robert)
Exit Robert
Jake: Finally, now to kick back, open a bottle of wine and celebrate. While I wait for my samich to arrive, I'll have sex with all the ladies. Yeahh...
Enter Robert (sleeping)
Robert: (wakes up violently, yells) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…
Oh it was only a dream. Thank God.
(Jake also in bed)
Jake: Hey beautiful
Robert:
Enter Plot Hole (sleeping)
Plot: Oh, it was only a dream. Well, folks. That's all the time we have tonight in Story Time Theater. Join us next week for more sex and adventure as our heros journey back in time to hang with the Egyptians. Hang Ten and stay classy.
Scene 4
Enter Egypt
(The hot egyptian sun beats down on a sand like some kind of simile. Needless to say, it is both too hot and too dry. But wait what's that over there
Scene 5
Enter two hot naked people
Hot naked person #2: Where there is love there is life.
Hot naked person #1: "A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
Hot naked person #2: For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
Hot naked person #1: "The man who can't dance thinks the band is no good."
Hot naked person #2: "If you see a friend without a smile; give him one of yours."
Hot naked person #1: Leadership does not always wear the harness of compromise.
Hot naked person #2: When I give a minister an order, I leave it to him to find the means to carry it out.
Hot naked person #1: I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited."
Hot naked person #2: "Don't be so humble-you were not that great."
Hot naked person #1: No man can stay on top because he is put there.
Hot naked person #2: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it. (Rolls eyes, heavy sigh)
Hot naked person #1: Death remains about the one certain fact in the lives of each one of us, and there will be suffering, sorrow, and sadness next week as there was last week.
Hot naked person #2: I'm not even going to touch that
Hot naked person #1: (starts crying)
Hot naked person #2: "Nobody deserves your tears, but whoever deserves them will not make you cry."
Hot naked person #1: The word "happiness" would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.
Hot naked person #2: When sadness happens in the middle of work, I separate my personal grief from my train of thought.
Hot naked person #1: "Anger, tears and sadness are only for those who have given up"