Disclaimer: Evangelion is owned by Gainax. Pretty much all there is to say on that, except that I will remove this story from the web if they want me to, since I don't own the rights to it.
Casualties of War
By Random1377
My name is Kimiko Suzuhara… and I am a casualty of war. Oh, I'm not a casualty in the usual sense (because I'm still alive), but I might as well be dead for all that this stupid war has taken from me.
"Miss Suzuhara, time for your medicine," I look up from my notebook computer (a gift from my brother, Touji) as a nurse comes into my room to give me more awful tasting, goopy liquids and huge pills.
I take them all like a good little girl, trying not to blanch. "You have a visitor," the nurse tells me with a smile, "a handsome young man."
"Is it my brother?" I ask hopefully, "He was supposed to visit yesterday…"
The nurse is a new addition to our wing (I think of the wing as being partially mine, since I've been here so long), and not terribly familiar with me yet. "I don't know," she admits apologetically, "I'll let him in, if you're not too tired."
I nod, "No, I'm fine. Please let me see him." It's hard… I'm cooped up in this room all day, every day. I try not to let it get to me – the doctors tell me I need to conserve my strength… but sometimes I can't help it.
I feel like a prisoner here… and I long to see the sun again.
I blink in surprise as a brown-haired boy is shown into my room, standing awkwardly at the foot of my bed. "Kimiko?" he asks me hesitantly.
I nod as the nurse leaves us, "Yes… I'm Kimiko. Who are you?"
If possible, he looks more awkward now that he's confirmed who I am – as if he was hoping deep down that this was the wrong room and he would have a few more minutes to put off talking to me.
He gives his name… and I understand his hesitation. "I'm… Shinji Ikari."
"Ikari…" I repeat, tasting the name on my tongue like a wine I'm deciding if I like.
I know who he is, of course… Touji ranted and raved about how he had showed him who was boss and whatnot – until I had reminded him that we would all be dead if not for him piloting that giant robot.
Noble, altruistic words – so easy to say… when the person who was at least partially responsible for your lower spine being shattered was not standing right in front of you.
He nods. "I… need to tell you something," he begins awkwardly, "about… about Touji…"
My blood runs cold, and I know – I just KNOW… that my brother is dead.
Seeing the look on my face, Shinji hurries to the side of my bed and lays a hand on mine, "He's… he's alive," he says quickly, stumbling over the words, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you like that. He's alive, but… he's been hurt…"
I nod, "Oh thank God…" I manage. Better alive and hurt than the alternative. "I thought… I mean…" I take a deep breath, steadying myself, "tell me about it, please." The nurses on my floor think I'm incredibly advanced for my age – I take bad news in stride, I rarely get flustered, and I have a large vocabulary and mature bearing.
What they don't seem to get is that, when you are stuck in a bed all day long for months on end, you are forced to do one of two things: become mature, or become insane.
"He… it was my fault," Shinji begins, "I was… piloting my EVA… and he was… helping someone get to one of the shelters when I was knocked down… and-"
I cut him off, "I know that he was chosen," I tell him softly, "he told me the day it happened."
Shinji flushes. "I'm… sorry…" he whispers, starting at the floor in shame, "I… didn't know you knew, and I… I'm sorry…"
"It's ok," I tell him with a soft smile. Even if I hadn't known, I would have found out from him.
Dishonesty was NOT Shinji Ikari's strong suit.
"Was he… protecting everyone when it happened?" I ask, putting my hand over his to stop him from pulling it away. There's something more… something you're not telling me… I think, you're not going to leave until I know what it is…
"He was… piloting the new EVA," Shinji admits, "there was… an angel… I…"
He struggles for words. "Go on," I prompt gently.
It all comes out in a rush. "I… my Unit fought, I tried to stop it… but they made it fight. I was… we beat the angel, then my Unit… crushed his entry plug…" he looks at me through tormented, sleep deprived eyes, "it was my Unit… it was me… I hurt him, just like I hurt you… oh God, I'm so sorry…"
I think about what he's just told me as he closes his eyes… wanting to hate him… wanting to blame him… wanting there to be someone I could lash out at for this.
"Did you do it on purpose?" I ask him gently.
"NO!!" he gasps, horrified, "Touji is my friend… I would never… I could never… I…"
"Shh…" I sooth him, "if you didn't do it, how can I blame you? It's alright… I know you did your best."
Life is so unfair. I'm the one whose brother was hurt… I'm the one who's lost something… I'm the one who will have to try and piece things back together… and yet, I'm the one who has to tell this boy that it's ok – I'm the one who has to be strong, no matter what.
"I'm going to quit piloting," he says softly, "I already have. It's the only way I could think of to atone…"
"You're selfish," I whisper angrily, suddenly finding an outlet for all of my rage, "how can you sit there and talk about atonement while we're hurt… while we can only lie here and put our hopes on you…"
"I'm so sorry…" he repeats, tears sliding down his face, unheeded, "for what happened to him and for what happened to you… I'll find a way to make it right, Kimiko, I will…"
"Then fight," I tell him flatly, "you say you're looking for atonement, for a way to put things right? Keep fighting… protect us, because we sure as hell can't protect ourselves."
"I can't," he sobs, "every time I get into EVA, someone gets hurt."
"And?" I reply, "If you didn't get into your EVA… how many people would die, Shinji? Stop thinking about yourself, and your pain, and think about those around you who can't defend themselves. Do you think Touji would give up in your place?"
"I've never been as strong as Touji," he sniffs, starting to get himself under control, "if I was, this never would have happened."
"Bullshit," I retort, holding his eyes with mine, "that's a copout and you KNOW it."
He flushes and stands. "I… know you won't be able to forgive me for this…" he says softly, "but I can't fight… never again… I'll never get back in EVA…"
As he walks towards the door, I reply quietly, "I can forgive you for what's happened to my brother, and for what's happened to me…" I pause for a moment, then continue softly, "but If you walk away, and leave us defenseless when you're the only one that can protect us… you condemn us to die – and THAT I can't forgive…"
He turns to me, "I'm sorry, I-"
"Don't be sorry," I say softly, stopping him before he goes on, "be strong."
He turns and leaves without saying another word.
I sigh, leaning back in my bed. "I hope you change your mind," I whisper tiredly. Slowly my eyes drift closed, and I sleep.
This war has taken everything from me… my brother is hurt, my father is dead, my body is not mine anymore… so much lost… and for what? For WHAT?! Nothing… if that boy won't protect us, we might as well roll over and die.
But maybe, just maybe, what I told him will help… maybe he'll change his mind and fight.
My name is Kimiko Suzuhara… and I am a casualty of war.
But I'm not the only one.
The End
Author's notes: This story has kind of an odd little history. It started as a one-shot… then I tried to make it a side-story to Children… then when I decided not to make Children so dark, I made it back into a one-shot. It didn't really fit as a scene or side-story to any of my other stories, and while it is a bit short, I think I covered everything I wanted to cover in it. ((shrug)) anyway, I hope you liked this little short.
No pre-reader was used for this story.
Feedback is always welcome at random1377@yahoo.com