Regret
Along time god knows right now, I was young once, free, everything to live for, dreams fuelling actions and my actions leading me to scene after scene my fingers shake as I write this down I've not thought about anything but this for the last year.
Looking in the mirror I don't see myself, gone is the long auburn hair, no true sparkle left in my eyes, no red cheeks, no smile no nothing, what I see what I see old sad sunken eyes, tired lined face, pale colourless skin grey wild wispy hair and pain god, the pain that echoes back from me so different so strange compared to the vision of myself that I still cling to in my head, young, reckless and invincible.
I'm living in regrets we had one summer something that during the many years since I was never able to match again, never able to recapture and though I'm an old man merely a shadow of what I was, all I want to do one last time is kiss you, kiss you the young beautiful you long blonde curls, sparkling eyes, rosy warm cheeks, soft gentle lips, sometimes I can still taste the chocolate that adorned your mouth, sometimes at night I wake up reaching out for your hand realising it hasn't been there in so long, so long ago I lost count years decades ago and though you were only mine for one glorious summer, two months, two months of bliss, if I could tell you one thing it would be that there was never another you, never another love I'll scream it to the night as it's the only thing that listens never again did I find someone who would so readily give themselves to me, never once did my hand fit the same way, never once after you did I get breathless after a mere brush of lips.
How and why the summer ended burns wrenches at my guts pulls them apart, anger rages in side me, we should have had forever we should have stayed invincible, immortal in our love, we should have held on to it and in one horrendous, cold shameful fight I lost you, lost you forever.
I'm sorry so sorry but if you were able to see me, you would see weakness, frail, tired and ultimately alone, so alone so yearning, so desiring for tears not to pour forth, begging for them not to fall burning my cheeks.
Sometimes I lie awake at night sleep doesn't come easily anymore my mind still as bright as ever, it hasn't gone the same way as my body, sometimes I can't help to imagine were you are, I try to picture your face, try to picture your smile I can't it never comes to mind how do I know your not dead I would feel it, part of you lives with me and I would be ultimately changed worsened because of your demise!
In my hand I hold a weapon, a means for eternal sleep; many times I have come close to finishing it ending the misery, the loneliness and the isolation I feel from everyone that still surrounds me, but you know, we both know I was always fundamentally weak, no resolve, no drive, no wish to leave when I have one last chance to see you.
We meet once more years after the summer I still felt cold bitterness towards you that didn't matter though for you still felt anger we fought oh how we fought the rage inside you fuelling your taunts I couldn't help but bite back, fight back I didn't want to but I had to!
I regret letting you go that night under the bright lights, I regret the fight years later, ultimately I regret never seeking you out again to apologise to beg forgiveness, I regret never tasting your lips never feeling skin never again enjoying one night of tangled rage, lust, desire, want and need.
I'll write it now as I scream to the night I regret loving you because I still do and I wish I didn't!