Nobody knows how much fear I went through that day.
Nobody knows how many tears fell down my face, no matter how hard I tried to stop them.
Nobody knows how I now hate the color silver. It reminds me of the flash of the metallic gun as Rick waved it in front of my face, so tauntingly... So slowly...
Nobody knows how scary it is to know how somebody's life is in your hands. That they control your time on Earth... They can let you stay for a couple more minutes, or end your life in a second.
Nobody knows how frozen I stood. Nobody would believe that me, Emma CauseGirl Nelson, just stood there, not saying anything. Not fighting for my life. Not trying to smooth things over. Just there. Just staring at the gun. Staring at the weapon that could kill me in an instant.
Nobody knows how grateful I am to Sean Cameron now. He is a hero in my eyes. He almost got himself killed for me. He stood in front of the gun. He got shot in the arm for me.
... Nobody knows how jealous I am of Toby and Sean. They escaped from this nightmare. They found the successfull way out, leaving me stuck in the maze. Sean is safe, back at home with his ex-acholic parents. Parents who know nothing of him. Parents who expect nothing of him. While my parents expect me to stay the same, perfect, smart, fighter Emma Nelson.
Toby is his little dream world, free from the scary puddle of red blood that surrounds Rick's dead, cold body. He hears nothing, just the soothing voices in his mind that tell him everything will be fine. While I hear Rick's cruel laugh as he tells me everything that I did wrong. How I could've prevented this whole tragedy.
Some girls at school pick on me now. They shove me against the cold, metal lockers. They push my books on the ground. They ban me from their lunch tables. And I can almost feel Rick's mocking prescence as he whispers to me, " Now, where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, when you did this to ME, Emma. Paybacks a bitch, isn't it?'
Nobody knows how much Jay Hogart didn't take my innocence... I lost it a long time ago. The summer before seventh grade. When Jordan almost raped me..
Nobody knows how good Jay is to me. They see his cruel, cold, teasing personality. Nobody knows him.
Nobody knows how much I miss Sean. How much I love him.
... Nobody knows how much I, Emma Nelson, changed that day of the shooting.