Chapter 1

It was the perfect start to my day, or so I thought as I cautiously peeked out from under my blankets so as not be blinded by the light streaming in through my seemingly ineffective use of curtains. My mind was still in a hazy state, my "dreamy state" as my friends so often used to tease me about.

I knew it wasn't right to just doze off and dream whenever I wanted but I couldn't help myself. If I had any say as to how I would like it, I would try my hardest to stay with everyone else but it was hard to keep my attention, especially nowadays. I was staring up towards my ceiling and observing my fan when the sudden thought of how I might instantly be crushed without a second's warning entered my mind.

Gruesome, I know, but I was lying in the perfect position to be crushed before anyone could bat their eyelashes. The thought lingered for a moment before I shook myself to get rid of it, and think about how I seem to not be able to do things right anymore.

No one has even thought about me changing, rather they feel that as the days slowly go by, I am becoming more and more incompetent which is certainly not true. My mind might not be in the right place when I am doing things, and that is the only reason for any recently silly mistakes occurring but it's not like I've doing it on purpose.

How is one supposed to act "right" when she has recently suffered the loss of her best friend in the entire world? Okay, maybe "recently" is not the right thing to say as Jason's accident had occurred a couple of years ago. However, I find it hardly fair that one can still be expected to act normal after such a tragic loss. Even his parents hadn't known him like I had; I'm not sure if he had trusted anyone enough to confide all that occurred in his eventful life.

Deep down, I knew why I couldn't let go, it was the guilt of it all, I suppose. No one knew why he had snuck out of the house that late, chilly night in December. No one that is, besides me and his older brother. I hadn't found out until it was too late, of course, and by then, my Jason was already gone. Later, during the wedding, his older brother, Chase, had pulled me aside for a little while to talk.

I hadn't known how to react near him as we had both been so close to Jason but before I could utter a word, he took the lead and told me about how Jason had talked to him before leaving the house, that tragic night he passed away.

I could only look up in shock and horror as Chase slowly and carefully told me how Jason had just broken up with his girlfriend of three years because he had realised that he had feelings for me. The reason he had snuck out of the house and was rushing to drive over to his so-called "destination" which happened to be my house, not that anyone else knew that, was because he wanted to surprise me by asking me out in a spur of the moment.

Right then and there, I felt like the world I had been so familiar with had crumbled into a million pieces. What was worse than this heartbreaking confession by Chase was the fact that I had liked Jason for a little while but after a while, I grew tired of waiting and started developing feelings for someone else. And who could it have been, other than Jason's older brother, Chase who was staring at me with such sorrowful eyes.

Looking up at him then, I realised, all of this was my fault. That the death of my best friend would always be a burden I would have to carry over my shoulders and only because he wanted to confess his feelings to me. The unbelievably strong guilt that coursed through me then was enough to cause a breakdown to occur. I couldn't help it; it just occurred so fast with everyone in sight vanishing before my tear-blurred eyes and my convulsive sobbing growing louder and louder as the seconds ticked by.

It seemed like in less than two seconds, there were dozens of people surrounding me but there was only one person who was holding on to me, trying to calm me down. And even without having my usual 20/20 vision, I knew it was Chase because he was the only other person who would have understood what all this meant and the emotional turmoil inside me as much as I did. Feeling his soothing hands trying to calm me down by stroking my hair was almost too much to bear. I felt like I was betraying Jason by taking comfort from his older brother and my most recent crush.