Warning(s): Minor language, maybe?
Pairing(s): None.
Spoilers: Stargate up through the end of season eight.
Disclaimer: "Stargate: SG-1" and related characters and situations are the property of MGM Television Entertainment and Gekko Film Corp. No money changed hands and no copyright infringement is intended or implied.
Author's Notes: I am back after just about forever and finally, finally, this story is getting an ending. In fact, it is completed now. It's not WIP anymore. If you have stuck with me for this long, then I can not commend or thank you enough. It has, obviously, been some time and my writing style has evolved from where it was when I began this story. So I've done some light editing and revising (no major plot points have changed, I absolutely promise you). After some brief internal debate, I have decided to maintain the chapter divisions, though.
For anyone dying to compare, I did keep the original version. So, if you wish, you may contact me via PM with your request and email address and I will send it to you.

Brigadier-General Jack O'Neill was bored. Really, truly, ridiculously bored. And that was a very bad thing, for reasons aside from the obvious. Anytime he got bored, unspeakably bad things happened shortly afterwards. Of course, the only solution for bored was for some problem to turn up, which he liked even less. Because any problem inevitably came along with a mountain of paperwork, and he hated paperwork. So…maybe a small problem would have only a small amount of paperwork associated with it? That was it, he'd hope for a small problem. That would be so much better than bored.

Sadly, at that moment, bored was only emphasized and punctuated by the fact that Major Paul "Pentagon-Liason-Man" Davis was sitting in his office droning on about security procedures regarding off-world life-forms. Either that or the new rule at O'Malley's that banned anyone from the SGC from going there. Probably the first one.

"…and you do realize that the alien plant last year could have become an environmental hazard to make kudzu look positively benign? General, 'glowing things are bad' is not a good enough revision of the off-world safety protocols."

Yeah, the first one. "I know."

Davis stopped and blinked at him. "You know?"

"Yeah, that's why I only gave you that to get you and the Joint Chiefs to leave me alone for a week or so. The first amount of time suggested to me wasn't nearly enough to draw up suggested revisions," Jack told him. "I'd only managed to draw up safety procedures regarding technology. Biological and human threats to security…? Whole different ball of wax."

Davis blinked a few more times. "Oh."

"Walter helped. And Siler. And Sam," Jack told him. "Anyway, the new proposed safety measures are here, in this folder. Care to look?" Jack picked up said blue folder from his desk and waved it temptingly towards Major Davis. He nearly ruined the whole effect by laughing at Davis' obvious attempts to stifle his impulse to snatch the folder from his hands. Jack could practically see Davis' brain silently chanting that telling Jack he was behaving like an idiot was not a good way to curry favor with superior officers.

"I would very much like that, sir," Davis finally managed.

Taking pity on the poor major, Jack laid the folder down on the other side of the desk and assumed a non-threatening and relaxed posture in his chair. Major Davis was very regulation because of his job. It wasn't really fair to bait him.

Davis looked at the proposed new regulations and his eyebrows went up. Jack enjoyed watching this, but maintained a polite silence. Finally Davis said, "These are good, sir. The technological containment alone would make everyone at the Pentagon feel better."

"Feel better?" Jack asked curiously.

"Um…yes, sir," Davis said, squirming a little.

Jack opened his mouth to say something reassuring but just at that moment the SGC's all-to-familiar klaxon burst into its irritating little song and Walter Harriman's voice came on over the PA.

"Unscheduled off-world activation," Jack and Davis muttered in sync with Harriman. Both of them stood up and went through the Briefing Room and down the stairs into the Control Room.

"Receiving IDC, sir," Harriman informed them. "It's SG-1."

"Open the iris," Jack said. His former teammates were back about twenty minutes earlier than they had been scheduled to return and so he wasn't particularly worried.

The iris had opened and the Stargate rippled, but Jack missed seeing his team completely for almost a full ten seconds. When he did spot them, he thought for a moment he'd gone insane.

"Do you see them down there?" Jack asked.

"Yes, sir," Sergeant Harriman nodded. The SFs in the Gate Room were standing down and staring in amazement as SG-1 picked their way down a ramp that had suddenly become very difficult for them to manage.

They had all been shrunk to about six inches tall.

"Sir!" a voice, presumably Sam's, announced over the radio. "We're going to be exhausted getting to the Infirmary without help."

Jack stared at the radio receiver with a huge grin on his face. Sam sounded like a chipmunk on helium. He went for the radio at first, but then flipped over to the PA for the Gate Room, unsure if the volume on SG-1's radios would be overpowering given their present size. It wasn't likely, but he didn't want to risk it. "Welcome back, SG-1. Sergeant Lyman, have your men assist SG-1 to the infirmary."

The head of the Sfs nodded at the Control Room as he and his men assisted their shrunken comrades.

Author's Notes: I have, you will note, removed all the chapters after the first. Don't panic. I'll be reposting the revised versions at a rate of one-per-day.

For those unfamiliar with it, kudzu is a plant that was introduced into the Southeastern United States as an import from Japan. It was eventually propagated across the South to stop erosion. It does, to be fair, succeed in that regard. It also grows like crazy. It is, in fact, the only plant in the world whose growth is measured in miles per hour. It has no natural predators in the United States. So, predictably, it got out of control and exploded all over the South. Whole mountains have been swallowed by this stuff, I promise.

Yes, I finally caved and changed Walter's name to Harriman. Sorry. I held out as long as I could.