"Bofur I'm…what the…"
Bilbo Baggins stopped in the corridor and observed, to his horror, a sight he'd never before seen in his inherited hobbit hole.
It was chaos. Books, papers, mugs, chairs, napkins, and even two empty beer barrels were strewn about his home; Bilbo felt his heart quicken and he clenched his fists.
He'd left his partner alone for the weekend; Having gone to visit relatives at Brandywine hall, most of all his young and favorite nephew Frodo, all under the assumption that the dwarf would take care of Bag End.
Stepping on a soggy dinner roll with his large and furry foot, Bilbo grimaced and tried to control his rising anger.
"Bofur where are you!" Bilbo cried out as he navigated his way through the debris of what, Bilbo assumed, had been quite a wild party, "You and I need to talk!"
Stepping into the kitchen, Bilbo gagged when he saw dirty, crusty dishes stacked high in the sink; The pantry, as it had been years ago, had been pillaged once more and not even his prize winning tomatoes had survived the onslaught this time.
"Oh Bo, I really, really want to see you!" Bilbo called again through clenched teeth; trying to sound sweet and loving yet ready to attack the moment he caught sight of his partner of two years.
Thinking he finally had his chance; Bilbo jerked his head when he heard heavy, clumsy foot falls coming from their bedroom.
"There you are!" Bilbo said, mocking joy the best he could. That was until Nori stumbled into view looking rather disheveled, and Bilbo's façade of joy vanished.
"Nori?! What the hell are you doing here?" The hobbit demanded angrily with his hands on his hips, "Where in the world Bofur?"
Nori obviously and severely hung over, hiccupped before he gave a lopsided shrug; "We came to celebrate his, Bofur's birthday. Erm…last I saw of 'im was outside with Dwalin and Ori," He replied and with a crooked smile added: "Dwalin and him were forcing my baby brother to give them piggy back rides!"
Bilbo's mouth dropped; "Dwalin and Ori? Who else is here?"
Nori wretched for a moment and, after being certain he would not vomit mumbled: "Just us three…and the sheep."
Bilbo startled when the bay of a sheep came from his bedroom. "Sh-sheep? There's a fucking sheep in my bedroom?!"
Nori chuckled and jutted his thumb over his shoulder; "Quite taken to your bed actually," He confessed, "It was a present for Bofur."
"Wait," Bilbo said, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Do you mean to tell me there is a bloody sheep in my house…sleeping-on-my-bed?"
Nori nodded and threw his hands up lightly. "Bofur insisted," He explained, "Said the sheep was the guest of honor!"
The bays continued, filling the hobbit more so with rage, but before he could decide what to do, there came great clambering behind him followed by the protests and yelps of a familiar voice.
"Yer gonna rip me ear off lady!" Dwalin declared as he was pulled mercilessly by the ear by none other than Lobelia Sackville-Baggins.
"I should after all!" The long held rival of Bilbo declared, "How dare you think to pass out in my flower bed! And naked too!"
Nori burst out into laughter so loudly is dampened the bays of the sheep from within Bilbo's bedroom.
Dwalin was blushing madly; pulling what Bilbo assumed was a borrowed blanket, about him and keeping his eyes downcast.
"Bilbo Baggins!" Lobelia snapped, "I should have known immediately that these noisy dwarves were friends of yours and that…squatter that resides here with you! What's-his-face? Bobble?"
"Bofur," Bilbo corrected with a sigh, "His name, for the hundredth time Lobelia, is Bofur. Do please do me a favor and release master Dwalin, it looks as though his ear is about to pop off."
Lobelia sneered but adhered to Bilbo's polite demand and released the dwarf, whom seemed greatly relieved to be free of the old hobbits vice-like grip.
"C'mon," Nori said to Dwalin, "You got some spare clothes in your pack and I need your help to get the sheep out of their-I mean-Bilbo's bedroom."
"Those four dwarves wreaked havoc all over the shire last night!" Lobelia explained in her usual shrill, snotty voice, "They caused a fight at the green dragon, stomped through poor farmer maggots crops, and obviously destroyed your own smial! I do say, Bilbo, you'd do better to be rid of this lot. What was that about a sheep?"
Bilbo rubbed his face roughly and sighed again. The last thing he wanted was to deal with the annoying old bat, knowing full well that while she griped, Lobelia was enjoying distressing him more deeply than he already was.
"I'll…I'll deal with these matters if I must," He finally offered, "For now I've got to get this place cleaned up; and I will speak to Bofur about all of this."
At that moment Ori stumbled in, just as disheveled as the rest, and looked from Lobelia to Bilbo with tight pressed lips.
"Ori?" Bilbo asked softly, "Do you know where Bofur has gone too?"
Saying nothing, clutching his gut, Ori slowly pointed a finger upward; "There."
Bilbo cocked his head before following the point of Ori's finger. When he realized what the young dwarf meant, an involuntary moan escaped his lips.
"Can I help you young man?" Lobelia asked, hands on her hips, the hobbit and waited for Ori to answer.
Ori, in turn inclined his head, his eyes widened and his lips began to part slowly.
"Oh shit," Bilbo mumbled as he watched Ori lurch forward.
Lobelia had gone screaming and running from Bag End, Ori having emptied the contents of his stomach all over what she had shouted was her best spring dress.
Ignoring Ori's profuse apologies, Bilbo ordered him to help Nori and Dwalin remove the farm animal from his room and take it to farmer Maggot who would more than likely be glad to have it as a trade for not pressing charges on the four dwarves.
That being done, Bilbo wandered outside and, with a sigh, began to climb on top of Bad End.
Bofur lay, snoring quietly, splayed out on top of their home next to the chimney.
It wasn't the first time the dwarf had dared such an act; but, Bilbo recalled, Bofur had promised the last time it happened that it would never happen again.
Knowing the dwarf had broken the promise; Bilbo nonetheless squatted next to Bofur and began rubbing his chest.
"Wake up, Bofur," Bilbo cooed, "Let's get you inside and cleaned up."
Bofur moaned and slowly opened a single eye to gaze groggily at the hobbit who offered a soft smile.
"You certainly had a…interesting time while I was away," Bilbo observed, playfully tapping Bofur's nose.
Bofur sniffed and yawned before saying softly: "They got me a sheep."
"They've got a lot of cleaning up to do," Bilbo added, "I'll let you…explain everything. Oh, by the way, happy birthday!"
Inside Bag End, the sheep was proving rather quarrelsome.
"Keep pulling!" Dwalin barked as he and Nori tried desperately to tug the sheep by the rope about its neck, "He'll give in eventually!"
"I am fucking pullin'!" Nori spat, "This thing is as stubborn as a donkey! Why the hell did we think a sheep would be a good gag gift for Bofur anyways?"
"You know why!" Ori declared, trying to shove the sheep from behind, "Besides, Bofur thought it was pretty funny!"
Not an instant after saying such, there was startled cry and all three dwarves looked toward the window near the entrance to Bag End, just in time to see Bofur plummet to the ground.
"OOOOHHHH! BILBO I LANDED ON THE GARDEN GNOME! AH, SHIT! MY FUCKING BACK! HAVE YE GONE MAD?"
The three longtime companions exchanged worried glances before Dwalin said in a tight, panicked voice: "Let's get the hell outta here! I don't wanna think about what that hobbit is gonna do to us!"