A/N: Hello everyone! This is my first Harry Potter fic and I'm very proud
of it! It's very short and actually rather pointless, but if you're in the
mood for a good laugh and don't want to read a bizillion chapter story,
then this fic should fit you just nice. When you've finished reading, be a
nice little person and leave a review. Flames will be used to warm my
house, 'cause it's twenty degrees outside and I'm freezing my buns off.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: sadly, I do not own Harry Potter.... J.K. Rowling does, the
lucky little..... Anyhoo, sue me and receive a pack of gum, lint, three,
pennies, and a "How To Win A Date With Tad Hamilton" movie ticket stub.
Great movie, I might add. This story involves OOCness.... duh! (You'll see
what I mean.) If you are offended in anyway, I'm very sorry. I love you
all!!!! Hehe. yea. On with the story....
"Alright, alright, I'm the sorting hat, let's get down to business," the
old, tattered witch hat said, staring out at the full Great Hall. Everyone
stared at the hat, stunned. Was it just their imagination or did the hat
have a slight slur when it spoke?
"Okay, I'll start this all with a little song," it said, the slur
now evident in its' voice. "I've been working on this all evening. I
decided we needed a new attitude at this school instead of the fogey one
we've had so far. Welp!" said the hat, hiccupping, "here I go!
"Now Hogwarts started a long time ago,
As any git should already know,
Four witches and wizards thought it'd be really cool,
To do something with their lives and start a fucking school,
The school was divided the way they saw fit,
Into four different houses would go all you little dimwits,
Godric Gryffindor wanted the tough and the brave,
Though I think he secretly wanted them all for sex slaves,
Rowena Ravenclaw wanted the ones who were clever,
You know, the slutty ones who are down for whatever,
The lowlife slimeball Salazar Slytherin,
Opened his doors and let all the assholes in,
And that annoying bitch Helga Hufflepuff,
Took the rest and that was enough,
And I, as the sorting hat will put all you brats,
Into your houses and that's that!"
The hat sat waiting for the usual applause after his song, but
there was none. "Stupid little fuckers," he muttered under his breath.
Professor McGonagall stood with her mouth hanging open, staring at the
Sorting Hat in disbelief. She looked to Professor Dumbledore for help, but
he merely mouthed, "Continue!"
Looking as though she'd been slapped across the face, Professor
McGonagall announced, "The sorting will now began!" Though, as the sorting
progressed she wished she hadn't. The hat made a vulgar comment to everyone
he sorted.
"Oi, you stupid pansy," it said to one boy. "Get on over to
Hufflepuff, you little fucker!"
To another: "You think you're big and bad, do you? The two inch
excuse for a penis in your pants says otherwise. Get on to Slytherin you
pencil dick!"
And another: "So what, you think a weakling like you is going to
save the world? You may not be afraid of much, but the fact that you still
wet your bed says a lot, doesn't it? Get the fuck to Gryffindor and don't
you dare piss on my stool!"
And to yet another: "You little smartass. You'll never amount to
anything. I'll be surprised if you get a job as a house elf. You're a dumb
fuck. But still, go on over to Ravenclaw."
And on it went until all the first years had been sorted, all of
them crying and glaring angrily at the Sorting Hat. "Just doing my job, you
bunch of ingrates!" it said to them, swaying precariously on his stool.
"I wonder how he got that way," a fifth year Hufflepuff girl said
to another. "He's usually very nice." It didn't take very long, however,
until her question was answered. Professor Dumbledore got up from his spot
at the table where the teachers and staff sat and made his way, tripping
and wobbling, to stand beside the Sorting Hat. Snape hid his face in his
hand, giggling madly and swinging his legs under the table. For it was he
who had switched Dumbledore's All Day Calm potion with a "24 Hour Party"
potion, designed to get the unsuspecting victim drunk for 24 hours. For
good measure he'd decided to let a little of the potion "accidentally"
spill onto the Sorting Hat, right into the slit it used for a mouth.
"Okay, all you lil' brats," Professor Dumbledore said, his voice
thick with a slur. "Shud da fuck up and eat!" Snape fell out of his seat
laughing.
Post A/N: Hope you liked it! Review!!! ^_^
of it! It's very short and actually rather pointless, but if you're in the
mood for a good laugh and don't want to read a bizillion chapter story,
then this fic should fit you just nice. When you've finished reading, be a
nice little person and leave a review. Flames will be used to warm my
house, 'cause it's twenty degrees outside and I'm freezing my buns off.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: sadly, I do not own Harry Potter.... J.K. Rowling does, the
lucky little..... Anyhoo, sue me and receive a pack of gum, lint, three,
pennies, and a "How To Win A Date With Tad Hamilton" movie ticket stub.
Great movie, I might add. This story involves OOCness.... duh! (You'll see
what I mean.) If you are offended in anyway, I'm very sorry. I love you
all!!!! Hehe. yea. On with the story....
"Alright, alright, I'm the sorting hat, let's get down to business," the
old, tattered witch hat said, staring out at the full Great Hall. Everyone
stared at the hat, stunned. Was it just their imagination or did the hat
have a slight slur when it spoke?
"Okay, I'll start this all with a little song," it said, the slur
now evident in its' voice. "I've been working on this all evening. I
decided we needed a new attitude at this school instead of the fogey one
we've had so far. Welp!" said the hat, hiccupping, "here I go!
"Now Hogwarts started a long time ago,
As any git should already know,
Four witches and wizards thought it'd be really cool,
To do something with their lives and start a fucking school,
The school was divided the way they saw fit,
Into four different houses would go all you little dimwits,
Godric Gryffindor wanted the tough and the brave,
Though I think he secretly wanted them all for sex slaves,
Rowena Ravenclaw wanted the ones who were clever,
You know, the slutty ones who are down for whatever,
The lowlife slimeball Salazar Slytherin,
Opened his doors and let all the assholes in,
And that annoying bitch Helga Hufflepuff,
Took the rest and that was enough,
And I, as the sorting hat will put all you brats,
Into your houses and that's that!"
The hat sat waiting for the usual applause after his song, but
there was none. "Stupid little fuckers," he muttered under his breath.
Professor McGonagall stood with her mouth hanging open, staring at the
Sorting Hat in disbelief. She looked to Professor Dumbledore for help, but
he merely mouthed, "Continue!"
Looking as though she'd been slapped across the face, Professor
McGonagall announced, "The sorting will now began!" Though, as the sorting
progressed she wished she hadn't. The hat made a vulgar comment to everyone
he sorted.
"Oi, you stupid pansy," it said to one boy. "Get on over to
Hufflepuff, you little fucker!"
To another: "You think you're big and bad, do you? The two inch
excuse for a penis in your pants says otherwise. Get on to Slytherin you
pencil dick!"
And another: "So what, you think a weakling like you is going to
save the world? You may not be afraid of much, but the fact that you still
wet your bed says a lot, doesn't it? Get the fuck to Gryffindor and don't
you dare piss on my stool!"
And to yet another: "You little smartass. You'll never amount to
anything. I'll be surprised if you get a job as a house elf. You're a dumb
fuck. But still, go on over to Ravenclaw."
And on it went until all the first years had been sorted, all of
them crying and glaring angrily at the Sorting Hat. "Just doing my job, you
bunch of ingrates!" it said to them, swaying precariously on his stool.
"I wonder how he got that way," a fifth year Hufflepuff girl said
to another. "He's usually very nice." It didn't take very long, however,
until her question was answered. Professor Dumbledore got up from his spot
at the table where the teachers and staff sat and made his way, tripping
and wobbling, to stand beside the Sorting Hat. Snape hid his face in his
hand, giggling madly and swinging his legs under the table. For it was he
who had switched Dumbledore's All Day Calm potion with a "24 Hour Party"
potion, designed to get the unsuspecting victim drunk for 24 hours. For
good measure he'd decided to let a little of the potion "accidentally"
spill onto the Sorting Hat, right into the slit it used for a mouth.
"Okay, all you lil' brats," Professor Dumbledore said, his voice
thick with a slur. "Shud da fuck up and eat!" Snape fell out of his seat
laughing.
Post A/N: Hope you liked it! Review!!! ^_^