A very dark fic. Nickleback's song 'Too Bad' belongs to them, and everything else belongs to George.
Warning: deals with suicide ( I guess, but just at the end )
I hope you like it. Threw it together in a hour. So I hope it's good. My last update this week and probably for the next three months, so sorry for those who are reading the other SW one Decadence.
//= song lyrics
*=Obi-Wan's thoughts
Italics=
Qui-Gon's voice~= the dark voice in Obi-Wan's head
~Blazer~
Too Bad
Obi-Wan hopped around the punching bag. He stabbed at the bag, his head whirling and spinning, lost in the exhilaration of simply sparing. He punched the bag, whirled around on his heel, and slammed his foot into it. He jumped around the bag, faster and faster, his gloved hands making small indentions where he hit.
He heard the murmurs from the crowd gathering around him. He paid them no heed, just hit the bag and hit the bag until he felt sweat begin to drip off his bare shoulders. He pressed on ward, his breath coming in short, short breaths. He threw his anger and sadness at the bag, throwing his whole body into the punches. If he missed, if the bag moved, he'd land on the floor and knock himself out. He ground his teeth against each other and hit harder, the bag swinging hard and almost slamming into his face.
He punched and punched, lost in his body's exhaustion, but refusing to give into it. He couldn't. He refused to. He had to keep punching, had to keep driving and driving himself. He could feel the tiredness lapping behind his mind, and it rang like an ocean in his ears. He slammed and slammed, letting his anger drive over and over into the bag in the form of his fist.
//Father's hands are lined with dirt from long days in the field
Mother's hands are serving meals in a café on Main Street
With mouths to feed…just trying to keep clothing on our backs
And all I hear about…is how it's so bad//
Qui-Gon Jinn was dead. His beloved Master was dead. He threw his body into the bag, slamming his head into it and swinging it, sweat soaking the tank top he wore. He started to punch it again, his rage leaking into it.
Qui-Gon was dead. Qui-Gon was dead. It was like a mantra in his head, over and over again. Qui-Gon was dead, Qui-Gon was dead. It cause flames to lick at his mind, making his stomach feel raw and torn, making him want to vomit his inner organs up. He executed a chop to the bag, using his elbow and forearms to make it swing in circles around him.
Qui-Gon was dead. His Master was dead. His father was one with the Force. He had left Obi-Wan in an array of responsibility and hate and sadness and despression. He charged the bag, his head hitting it and making his headache jump at him harder. He almost screamed as the Sith's face ran through his mind.
The Sith, the murderer, the evil one. He kicked the bag and felt his foot cry out from the Force. He ignored it, as he ignored the murmur of the crowd, as he had ignored the young boy who watched him quietly from the sidelines, his face frightened.
Obi-Wan didn't care. He had been Knighted just a day ago, and he pounded the bag as he pictured the image of him kneeling before the Council as Yoda used one of Qui-Gon's daggers to cut off his braid.
He hated Qui-Gon Jinn. How he loathed his dead Master, how he wished it had been him delivering the killing blow, even after all the comfort his Master had provided, all the knowledge and the wisdom he had handed down.
//It's too bad, it's stupid
Too late, so wrong, so long
It's too bad we had no time to rewind
Let's walk, let's talk//
Because Qui-Gon had left him. Had forced Obi-Wan into a vow that he didn't want, that he hated, because the boy whom the vow concerned was a stupid, stuck up brat who didn't know the difference between dark and light, wrong and right. He hated Qui-Gon because the man had loved him, taught him there was a world outside his view, had nurtured him, and had taught him love. He hated the man because Obi-Wan had come to think of the man as a father, as a friend, as a partner. And in this world filled with so much hate and evil there was no room to love.
Qui-Gon Jinn had weakened him. Had broken his nature into one full of light. He couldn't do with that nature here. It made him venerable, made him compassionate in a world in which he needed his callused heart, needed to think without the concern of others. Needed not to think about those whose lives were in his hands, in the choices which he made.
He hadn't needed a father. He hadn't needed a friend, not a partner. He had needed someone who could teach him the good ways in which he could serve to his best degree. Qui-Gon Jinn had not prepared him for that.
//You left without saying good-bye
Although I'm sure you tried
You call the house from time to time
To make sure we're alive
But you weren't there right when I needed you the most
And now I dream about it
And how it's so bad//
The bag swung around him. He lashed out at it. Qui-Gon Jinn! Ha! What a joke! That man was one who thought he could change what was impossible to change. He was a dreamer. He was one who thought that bunnies and pink filled the world when there was really just the wolves and black. He believed that there was good in all beings, when there was really the evilness that took control of the murderers he had dealed with. What Qui-Gon had not realized was that there was not a reason to live anymore than there was a reason to die. What he had not realized was that there were only the strong and the weak and those who were weak didn't deserve to live anymore than they deserved to die.
"Obi-Wan! Master!"
He kicked and kicked at the bag, not paying attention to the young boy who was his charge.
"Master!"
//It's too bad, it's stupid
Too late, so wrong, so long
It's too bad we had no time to rewind
Let's walk, let's talk//
He turned his head sharply. The boy was running full at him. He stepped away just as the boy ran past him, and he smiled evilly, watching the boy sprawl on the ground.
It was all the boy's fault. All Qui-Gon's fault that he wasn't strong enough to deal with the fact that his Master had been struck down right in front of his eyes.
"Master, stop!" Anakin cried. "Please!"
"Stop what?" Obi-Wan roared. " The fact that my father died and left me alone in this world? Stop the fact that he was killed in front of my eyes and I watched, helpless, as he fell? That I had to watch his body burn? That he left me with these memories that I can't get rid of? That he made me weak? That he made me stupid to the real dangers of the world?"
"Master-"
"Shut up, Anakin." Obi-Wan went back to the bag. "This is all Qui-Gon's fault."
No, Obi-Wan. No.
Obi-Wan ignored the voice of Qui-Gon in his head. It was always there. He had known his Master so well. He would never have a friend like that again, because he wouldn't be able to deal with it once they were killed right in front of his eyes.
//It's too bad, it's stupid
Too late, so wrong, so long
It's too bad we had no time to rewind
Let's walk, let's talk//
*Friends are stupid. There is no place for them in a world filled with hate and pain, because one day that will end, one day we will all die, one day everything you have fought so hard for is gone in a world filled with pain and filled with waste and filled with the suffering of all the thousands of wasted causes that have come before. *
Anakin faced him with sad eyes. "Please, please, Master! Please! Don't blame yourself and don't hate Qui-Gon!"
Obi-Wan faced him with savage eyes. "You have no right to tell me what I should do. You have no right to read my thoughts because of that bond that I was forced to give you. You have absolutely no right."
Obi-Wan, I am sorry I left you so early, but move on.
He ignored the voice again.
//Father's hands are lined with guilt
From tearing us apart
Guess it turned out in the end, just look at where we are
We made it out… we still got clothing on our back
And now I scream about it…and how it's so bad, it's so bad//
Obi-Wan threw the gloves at Anakin's feet. "Anakin, get back to the Temple. Now."
Obi-Wan turned and prepared to go.
"The hardest part about truth is accepting it, Obi-Wan! Accept that he's gone and that he's not blaming you."
Obi-Wan turned to him. He opened his mouth, then closed it. "You blasted child!" he burst out. "Get out!" He felt the darkness at the back of his mind, pouring anger into him.
Anakin didn't move.
Obi-Wan reached into the sheath in his boot and took out his dagger.
// It's so bad, it's stupid
Too late, so wrong, so long
It's too bad we had no time to rewind
Let's walk, let's talk//
Anakin felt fear race through him. He raced away as Obi-Wan slashed at the air. He ran his finger over the blade lightly. He pricked his finger and he watched the blood trail down his wrist. He followed the trail, and he held the wrist above his jaguar vein, feeling the beat under it.
~Yes. That is the way out~ said the dark voice in the back of his mind.
Obi-Wan pressed down on the dagger.
//It's so bad, it's too bad, it's stupid
It's too late, so wrong, so long
It's too bad we had no time to rewind
Let's walk, let's talk
Long time, let's walk, let's talk//
~*~*~*~