Because of You Chapter 1: New Beginnings, a friends fanfic

Because of You

Disclaimer: As much as I would love to say that I owned the characters, I do not. (It's safe to say that if I did, the show would've ended differently and I would be considerably more wealthy than I am now.)

A/N: Hi all. I'm so happy summer is here – now I can focus on my writing, which I have missed tremendously. This is a story set when Ross and Rachel and the rest of the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. are about 27-28. It's an extremely AU fic, as Monica and Rachel and Ross did not grow up together, and Rachel dated Joey for two years before breaking up. The reason for their split is unknown to everyone but themselves, but you'll find out later in the story. Ross and Rachel have not dated prior to this point. I plan making this 2, maybe 3 chapters at the most, and I'm still working on "Love is…" The songs featured in this piece are by Kelly Clarkson because well, she rocks. So please read this, keep an open mind, and drop me a line when you're done – I love hearing what you all think…

XoX

And there she was. Again. Rachel. The one he'd loved for what seemed like a lifetime. The one woman with whom he'd never have a chance in hell. And yet, there she was - smiling that gorgeous smile, swaying those hips as she walked over to him. His mouth goes dry; he has trouble stringing more than 2 words together. His palms sweat and he begins to feel woozy. And then she sits down next to him, drowning him with her scent that is oddly a combination of lilies and that of a newborn baby. He's so in love with her, it makes him delirious. Yet he doesn't act on it. He never tells her how he feels. He never leads her to believe that there is something more meaningful behind the nice things that he does for her. Why? Because it is wrong. So inexplicably wrong. They are best friends, practically siblings, and introduced while she was dating another of his best friends. Joey and Rachel had been in love – had talked of marriage and family. Ross didn't know what happened to eventually break them up, but that didn't matter now. What mattered was the fact that they dated – Joey and Rachel. For two years, they were inseparable. That's precisely the reason why he and Rachel could never be.

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

XoX

But nothing could stop him from feeling the way he did about her. There was nothing that could stop his breathing from quickening whenever she was close to him; nothing to stop his breath from catching in his throat at even the slightest contact from his skin to hers – even if it was just to pass the syrup at breakfast every morning. And no matter how strong his urges were to just make love to her right on the kitchen table, he resisted them, for he had no choice. He had to pretend that he wasn't madly in love with her. If not for his own sanity, than out of loyalty to Joey. His best friend – Joey…

But suddenly, it became harder and harder to fight the urges. At times, he could swear that she wanted him as much as he wanted her. She would lightly graze his stomach with ghosts of her fingertips as she walked by him in the coffee shop; lean her head on his shoulder when they watched TV, periodically kissing him on the cheek and stroking his thigh. Most days, she'd do something totally out of the ordinary; something you only to do someone when you're dating them, or in some cases, have been dating them for a while. But… when he'd try to hold her hand or kiss her, she'd pull away – as if he was committing a crime. Some days, she'd avoid his gaze, she wouldn't talk to him at all, stay as far away from him as possible without it attracting too much unwanted attention. Nevertheless, as fast as those days would come, they went even faster. She would go from pretending he didn't exist to treating him like a God. As much as he loved that, it always ended up leaving him feeling hurt and confused, wondering why it was only some days that she built up the nerve to pay attention to him. He felt used, but at the same time, hesitant to talk about it for fear of ending the one thing he'd ever really and truly wanted. So, he went along with it, reacting to however she was going to act that day.

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

In his desperation, he talked to Monica about it. Hoping to receive from the conversation the understanding he needed that he knew he wasn't going to get from Rachel.

"Hey Mon, you mind if I talk to you for a second about Rachel?" Ross asked.

"Not at all – I was actually wondering what was going on with you two."

Me too.

He told her the stories, told her how Rachel's "attraction" came and went without so much as a single word of explanation or apology. Nothing to give him any insight as to why she was acting the way she was. In the end, Monica could only tell him to talk to Rachel, get the story straight from her. So ultimately, he decided that one day he'd just have to bite the bullet and talk to her.

XoX

It happened a couple of weeks after his talk with Monica. Ross had invited Rachel to a casual dinner at his apartment. Not really a "Date" situation, but just a dinner between friends. After dinner, though, Rachel initiated the first contact. She wrapped her arms around his middle and kissed him between his shoulder blades, searing his skin even through his shirt. His eyes squeezed tightly shut and his breathing became ragged as he tried to pull himself together. She stroked his stomach, weaving figure eights on his chest with the tips of her fingers as she kissed the back of his neck before whispering into his ear, "Make love to me." Upon hearing this, Ross's eyes shot open and he turned around, looking into her eyes, searching them for some sign – anything to tell him whether or not he should go through with it. He wanted to – God, he wanted to. But at the same time, he wanted to be sure it was what she really wanted, too. Seeing longing in her eyes, he kissed her with such passion and ferocity that she staggered back across the kitchen and against the counter on the other side, him still attached to her lips. In one motion, she hopped up onto the counter and wrapped her legs around him tightly, her hands ravaging through his hair as she moaned into his mouth.

Ross broke the kiss, giving her one last chance to back out and save both of them a lot of potential hurt. Through deep breathing, he looked into her eyes one more time. The blue piercing him through the dark as the air around them became thick with heat. He whispered, "Are you sure this is what you want?" For a brief second, reluctance and hesitation stopped her from answering. She sat still, as if contemplating what consequences could come from what they were about to do, and then she nodded, only slightly, before kissing him again. The passion in this kiss paralleling that of the one that sent her clear across the room. It was him who broke the kiss again, staring into those bright blue pools that electrified ever fiber of his being.

XoX

Originally, he hadn't wanted their "first time" to be like this. This seemed too rushed and needy. He wanted their first time be about making love; about being with one another and savoring the moment. As much as he wanted to do this, something about the circumstances made him feel as if this was just meaningless sex, and that's not what he wanted to be for her. He wanted to be the one she was with every night. He wanted to be the last person she saw before she drifted off and the first person that she saw when she woke up in the morning. He wanted to be the person who got to hear her say "I love you". The person that made her laugh, the person who she saw herself with every time she looked into her future. He wanted to know her intimate secrets, things that only a lover would know. He wanted to be her forever.

XoX

He breathed in her scent, although the sheer magnitude of it made him feel slightly overwhelmed. Now, he was just watching her as she took off his shirt, feeling her delicate hands on the skin of his chest leaving trails that felt like a combination of fire and ice. The newness of this experience exhilarated him. Never before had he been a part of something as wonderful as this, he was savoring every kiss, every touch. His skin was tingling in the wake of her lips and he found himself lost in a dream each time he found her tongue to be battling his own. Breathing heavily, she took his hands and guided them in removing her shirt while smiling at the look on his face. He stirred himself from his reverie and removed her bra, kissing her neck as she rocked against him. Sensually, he rubbed the back of her thighs and moaned when she planted an open-mouthed kiss to the center of his chest, punctuating it by biting down softly into his skin. He felt her hands undo his pants and shove them down near his ankles while he did the same to her, licking and biting her neck. "Bedroom?" he breathed, proving his point by pushing himself into her stomach.

"No…can't wait. Need… Now!" With that, Ross lifted her up by the ass and whirled her around, ramming her into the refrigerator. The cold of the stainless steel surface was a shock to her heated body and she let out a strangled yelp when her skin first made contact. Ross slowed down and asked her in between kisses, "Are you okay?" She barely nodded before grinding into him, telling him to hurry up. He tore off her underwear as she guided him out of his boxers and into her. With the first solid thrust, she threw her head back, the sound of her screaming Ross's name reverberating throughout the entire apartment. It only took a few minutes for both Ross and Rachel to climax, and when it was over, Rachel was plastered against his refrigerator, beads of sweat sliding down her body. He buried his face in her neck and whispered softly, but loud enough for her to hear, "I love you."

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Rachel felt tears stinging her eyes as she pried herself away from him, "I'm sorry." Ross's eyes followed her as she gathered her clothes, hurt and anger flashing through them like bolts of lightning.

They dressed in silence and she made her way to the front door of his apartment. As she turned the knob to open the door, she heard his voice from the doorway of the kitchen. "It's never going to happen again, is it?" Disgust poisoned every syllable that came from his pained lips.

She watched him, studied the way his eyes bore into hers. She looked to the ground, and finally willed the tears to fall. "I'm sorry." She repeated.

"Yeah, I'll bet you are."

Rachel looked at him again, her voice cracking. "Ross, please don't do this."

"Don't do what? Be mad? Be upset? Don't worry, Rach. I'm not mad. I'm actually ecstatic that you used me. It feels pretty damn good to be messed around with for a month. I hope you had a good time tonight. You be sure to give me a call when you need another lay."

The words played back in her head only seconds after he first uttered them, and once she'd had enough time to comprehend what he was accusing her of, the anger roared out of her. "It wasn't like that and you know it, Ross!"

He took a step toward her, challenging her. "Do I though? Do I know it? Dammit Rachel, you've been screwing with me for so long. I don't know what to think anymore! You kiss me and touch me one day, then pretend nothing happened the next. Was tonight just taking it to another level? Is this how it's going to be now? You're gonna lead me to believe that you care about me so that I'll 'make love to you' and then you pretend that nothing happened?" Ross was right in front of her now, trapping her in the corner by his front door.

"I do care about you, Ross."

"Yeah? Well, you've got one hell of a way of showing it!"

"It's complicated, okay Ross? I can't just fall into this. There are a lot of thing that I still need to figure out. It's not as easy as you think it is. So don't give me this shit about 'using you' because you know damn well that that isn't true." Rachel was shaking violently with anger as the tears continued to fall. Each word that came out of her mouth was cracked and shaken as she tried to maintain control of her mind and her emotions. She wanted nothing more than to just fall into his arms, tell him that she loved him and that she was sorry – for hurting him, for behaving the way that she did, for not knowing sooner – for everything. But she held back. She didn't just fall into his arms because she wasn't ready yet, and she wasn't sure that he was either. She whispered, almost inaudibly, "You have no idea how I feel about you or what goes through my head. You have no idea."

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Ross watched her as she spoke, seeing and hearing all of the emotion in her voice. He took another step towards her, taking her hand in both of his. When he spoke, he spoke softly, his voice no longer full of anger, but of hope and pleading. "So tell me, Rach. Let me in. Let me help you."

She shook her head. "No. This is something that I have to do by myself - for myself. Just know, I never did any of this to hurt you or use you. I really do have feelings for you; I just have to figure some things out on my own before I can allow myself to take that next step with you. I'm sorry about what happened tonight."

I don't believe
In the smile that you leave
When you walk away
And say goodbye
Well I don't expect
The world to move underneath me
But for God's sake
Could you try?
I know that you're true to me
You're always there
You say you care
I know that you want to be mine

Ross shook his head, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat. He looked into her eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm not." She nodded before kissing him lightly on the cheek. She looked at him one more time before smiling softly as she opened the door and left, leaving him only to watch her go and kick himself for letting her walk away.

Where is your heart?

A/N: Okay… so I am extremely nervous about this. I think it's about as dark as I've written before, and slightly more raunchy. I hope it's not distasteful, and I tried to incorporate feelings into the act as well. I'm sure you noticed that Rachel's point of view wasn't showcased a whole lot, and that was intentional. Trust me with this one. I used "Because of You", "Addicted", and "Where is Your Heart" in this. All are by Kelly Clarkson. They're awesome songs, so after you leave me a review (pwease..?) you should download them! Review!