Disclaimer: I do not own anything. Thank you Rowling for allowing us to manipulate and play with your beautiful, beautiful characters.
To Jessie, because I know how much you (don't) love Won-Won.
Saturday with Severus:
"Do you know what I don't understand?" Redhead, Ronald Weasley slurred over a pint.
"What's that?" Harry responded, feeling a bit tipsy himself.
"There are many things I can presume Mr. Weasley; what in particular this time?" an oil slick voice snipped. The greasy voice belonging to –
"Snape, you know you really ought to lighten up." Ron said, signaling for another drink. "Anyway. I was going to say, women."
"I'm sure they don't understand you either."
Ron glared at Snape as Harry took another swig off his drink, trying not to laugh.
Snape sipped lazily but to those who knew him best he looked happy.
"Hermione's got her nickers in a twist." Ron continued unperturbed.
"Over what?" Harry asked; knowing Ron would tell him anyway, even if he hadn't asked.
"I don't know. I never know! Something about how I don't listen." Ron replied vaguely.
"So you weren't listening when she was saying how you never listen?" Harry sniggered and Snape let out a small smirk (which was his way of bursting out laughing).
"Oh shove off." Ron sighed.
"Well, I'd try listening next time." Harry suggested, digging into his pocket for some galleons and dropping them on the table. "Good luck mate." Harry clapped Ron on the back and started for the door.
"You're leaving?" Ron squeaked.
"Ginny'll kill me if I say out much longer. She's gotten on me about spending all my time with you; especially since the baby's almost due."
Ron grunted in response, taking a drink. "Doesn't she know her brother needs his best mate?"
Harry shrugged. "I love you both and I refuse to take a side on this."
"You're taking a side by leaving me in this state!"
"She's my wife Ron. And I don't want to be on the receiving end of her bat bogey hex." Harry smirked. "I'll see you tomorrow. Besides," he nodded to Snape, "You have Severus."
Snape rolled his eyes and Ron made a throaty noise akin to a low growl.
"Later then." Ron said, obviously annoyed.
"Good-bye Mr. Potter." Snape sneered.
"You can call me Harry, Severus. We've reached that point."
Snape continued to sneer coldly and Harry held his hands up in surrender. "Just a suggestion." And then he walked out the door and a small pop indicated Harry had disapparated.
Ron looked over at Snape, who in turn shrugged slightly.
"I guess it's you and me Mr. Weasley."
"Suppose so Snape."
"Not going to call me Severus?" he asked, his voice dripping with unidentifiable ooze.
"Only when you finally call me Ron." He said matter-of-factly ignoring Snape's tone.
"Another." Snape said to Madame Rosemerta.
After a long, palpable silence Ron said, "So what should I do about Hermione?"
Snape looked flabbergasted at being asked for his opinion. "Well, I…"
"Not good with the ladies Snape?"
Snape glared at Ron before taking another swig from his drink.
"She'll get over it eventually." Ron continued. "And I know she loves me. But I always seem to make her mad."
Snape sighed; clearly Ron was going to keep on the subject so he might as well lend some advice.
"The trick with women Weasley is to listen to them." Snape said sagely.
"Therein lays the problem." Ron muttered.
"They just need you to hear them and respond. You listen to Mr. Potter. It's really no different. Listen to Miss Granger."
"Weasley." Ron corrected.
"Pardon?" Snape asked.
"Hermione is my wife. She's Mrs. Weasley." Ron explained. "Of course, you could just call her Hermione."
"Mrs. Weasley is your mother. To me Ms. Granger will always be, Ms. Granger."
"Whatever makes your life easy Snape."
"Just open your ears to Ms. Granger – oh fine then, to Hermione. Listen to her when she speaks as you would Mr. Potter."
"How is it you know so much about girls?" Ron asked.
"It's common knowledge Mr. Weasley. And I will not reveal my own experiences to you."
The pair drank in silence for a while longer.
"Lily." Snape said quietly; so quietly Ron wasn't sure he had heard anything at all. "I learned about women because I treated Lily the wrong way. There. Happy?" Ron looked bewildered at his long time enemy turned friend.
"Want to talk about it Snape?"
"No I bloody well don't!"
"Just thought I'd ask." Ron said, slightly relieved.
Snape stared at his empty drink glass. "Well," he began, "I mean… if you've got time."
Hours later Ron was feeling quite good with Snape's advice. He guffawed as Snape delivered a punch line to his joke.
"Haggard!" Snape roared, pounding his fist exuberantly on the bar.
"'cause she's a hag!" Ron exploded with laughter too.
Snape fell over laughing, leaning onto Ron for support. Ron leaned with Snape as their laughter subsided.
"Last call boys. I've got to get some sleep eventually." Madame Rosemerta said from behind the bar.
"I'll whip you up a pepperup potion, you'll be fine." Snape laughed.
Madame Rosemerta rolled her eyes and walked away.
"Well Snape, time to head back to the missus." Ron said, slapping some galleons on the table.
As Ron stood he lost his footing, tumbling to the ground with a resounding smack.
"Ron!" Snape picked Ron up but was barely steady himself. "You sure you can apparate?"
Ron stumbled to the door, leaning on Snape for support.
"I'm fine Sev." Ron vowed.
"Ron, you better come to the castle with me." Snape suggested.
"But Hermiinny will be so mad if I don't come home." He slurred.
"She'll be more mad if your body's splinched in half." Snape reminded him.
Ron tripped out the door of the bar and vomited on the walkway. "Perhaps you're right." He said to Snape, who led him up to Hogwarts. Both were stumbling and laughing at each other's lack of coordination.
"Hey Sev, how many trolls does it take to change a light bulb?" Ron asked, stumbling up the castle steps. "None! They don't know what a light bulb is!" Ron laughed as though nothing could be funnier while Snape stared blankly back at him.
"That was a terrible joke." This comment only caused Ron to laugh harder as they headed toward Snape's chamber in the dungeon.
"Wait!" Ron halted, swaying on the stairs. "I need to send an owl to Hermmiinny. So she doesn't worry."
Snape rolled his eyes but they reversed direction and headed to the owlery; winded by the time they reached the top.
"Oh, let me write it." Snape giggled.
"You do it then." Ron said, still swaying.
"Dear Ms. Granger," Snape began.
"She's my wife!" Ron groaned. "You have to say Herminnny… Hermi… Hermione! Or love, or Kitten Pie."
"Kitten pie!" Snape laughed, slapping Ron's shoulder.
"Hermione's fine." Ron blushed.
Snape was already writing though.
"I don't like that smirk on your face Sev." Ron said.
Snape tied the note to a brown barn owl before Ron could stop him.
"Come on. Time for bed." Snape said.
The pair barely made it to the dungeons before passing out.
The midmorning sun was pounding into Ron's eyes as he tried to orient himself. 'Wait' he thought, 'I'm in Snape's dungeon, how is there sun?'
Ron opened his eyes into the shining light of a wand. The figure behind the light was his very own wife.
"Blimey Hermione!" he said, covering his eyes. "Put that away."
Hermione lowered her wand and smiled a sickly sweet smile at him.
"Good morning Ronald. Have a nice sleep?"
"Err… yea, was alright." He answered, wary of her tone.
"Thank you for the owl. I would have been so worried without it." She sat down next to him on the bed. "Almost, insufferable."
Ron didn't like the way she emphasized the last word. He wanted desperately to remember what he had written in that note; no, what Snape had written.
"Um, let's go home." Ron said, his hangover pounding. "Maybe I'll just get a pepperup potion first."
"Oh, but dear Ronnie, I should take care of you because I'm your woman!"
Ron gulped as bits of the night came back to him in a hazy slide-show of conversations. He had said all of these things to Snape throughout the night, but would Snape really use these things against him? The answer was immediate; yes.
"Listen Hermione, I didn't write that note, Severus did." He tried to explain.
"Severus would have called me Kitten Pie!" Hermione blushed.
"Well, I did say that part… but the rest –"
"So you didn't write:
My dearest Kitten Pie,
I will be spending the night with dear old Severus because I am far too drunk and incompetent to apparated home. I know you're upset with me for calling you an insufferable know-it-all but really sweetheart you know it's true. But I'll always love you 'cause you are my woman and you'll take care of me as you should. I'll see you in the morning when I apparated home to our tension filled sex-starved home. Love, Ronnie. PS, I like boys named Harry Potter."
"Of course I didn't write that! Geez Hermione! Why on earth would I write any of that!"
But he stopped ranting because Hermione was laughing.
"Oh Ronald calm down, of course you didn't write any of this. I'm only taking the mickey out of you." Ron sighed in relief.
"Thank God. And well, I am sorry about not listening to you."
Hermione kissed his cheek. "I still love you Ronald."
"I love you too." He smiled as he kissed his wife again.
"What say you we get Snape back for this letter?" Hermione smirked.
"I've been a bad influence on you." Ron smiled mischievously.
"Oooh let's put hair tonic on him and give him a mustache!"
"And transfigure his robes into a dress!" Ron said excitedly.
"Diabolical!"
The couple laughed and extracted their revenge before apparating home.
Snape woke up some time later. He walked lazily up to breakfast, not bothering to shower or change. A first year sniggered wildly as a group of fourth years laughed out loud.
"Morning Professor." A seventh year Slytherin said between stifled laughter.
"What the devil is going on?" Snape muttered to himself.
He ran into Minerva in the great hall, she stared openly in confusion before addressing him. "Morning Severus. Nice dress."
Severus looked down to see a flower print dress instead of his robes.
"Nice mustache professor." A student laughed.
"Mustache?" he felt his face and growled at the hair he felt. "Weasley! Granger!"
The prank war was on.
a/n: despite the fact that this ending seems as though a continuation will happen, it most likely will not. I have no further plans for the group to play pranks on each other unless something quite amusing strikes me. As of now, the prank war is really just an elusive idea that will probably not come to anything except this short drabble where in a perfect world my hero (Snape) lived and became friends with the Golden Trio.