A disclaimer- I don't own HP. All hail the queen JKR.
A/N- this is going to be a freaking hilariously awesome ride (hey! I am being modest). And in the meantime, if you pee in your pants… then fan-fucking-tastic. Don't forget to leave a review. The more the review the faster I write. The faster I write, the faster you get to read. The faster you read… um… that's where the peeing part comes.
This is just the introduction, where all the characters are somewhat described. Well to know about them fully, you will have to read it. It's more like summery hiding behind a prologue.
Go on… I will stop babbling… now.
1. INGREDIENTS REQUIRED
Welcome to wizard cooking classes.
Where you bring your own damn things and you make your own damn dish.
So today we are making some weird dish known as… drum roll, please… "CUCKING-FRAZZY!"
To make a cauldron full of that shit we need… damn! Where did I place that note? Ah! Here it is.
We need… well, we need a freaking lot of things.
Anyway, let's start. The ingredients list reads something like this-
One cup of constantly nagging Mrs Granger.
One cup of royally pissed Mrs Malfoy. Nah! … Make it half cup, you know indigestion and all.
One incapacitated and guilt-ridden Mr Malfoy.
A couple of "EX's" and make sure you mince them into tiny, microscopic pieces.
One complete crazy, boobs punching BFF.
One overprotective guy best friend/brother, who might have a gigantic crush on the above said boob punching BFF.
A six feet of sizzling and scrumptious and lip-smacking 'Albino Ferret'.
A humongous slice of fire whisky guzzling, sailor-mouthed and absolutely sassy 'Ex-War Heroine'.
A hint of vivaciousness and sass.
A pinch of jealousy… meh! What the hell, dump the whole lot of it?
A dash of possessiveness.
A bucket load of crazy, stupid and bone melting… LOVE.
Well, that's it. I think I got all of it. Wait! Wait! … I forgot one thing.
Finally, throw in a handful of drunken elves, gyrating to Madonna's 'Like a Virgin'… for garnish, of course.
INSTRUCTIONS--(or rather precautions, that you should have damn well listened)
When you collect all of these ingredients by any means (any means, means any means, it can be bribery, extortion, kidnapping or by kissing the daylights out of someone), throw them in the cauldron.
Mix it anticlockwise for seven times and then clockwise for seven times (I don't fucking know why, neither I care) and if you hit Mrs Malfoy's snotty ass in the way with your ladle, then hurrah!
Do not leave the dish, to go and pick up your mom's phone. She might just set you up with a blind-freaking-date which might end with, the guy sticking his tongue in your ear. Ewww…
Do not listen to your Crazy BFF, you call her crazy for a reason. Remember that.
And make plans so that you're your BFF and Best friend/brother, can suck face.
Brawl your eyes out (but do remove your makeup before it, you don't want to have panda eyes).
Get drunk, get others drunk. Hell! Get the house-elves drunk.
Do not scratch out your ex's current girlfriend's eye (what the hell! You damn sure can do that).
And after all that shit, if you even have some energy left.
Then leave your dish to stew for some time.
And while the dish is stewing, you can go from hating someone's guts, to having crazy against the wall sex, to popping out his demon spawn.
And if anyone disturbs in the middle, gladly punch them in the nuts.
Finally there, you have your dish. All of its naked glory. And stop drooling, rather, why don't you take a big ass bite.
Man! This tastes all... Fucking crazy.
Next- "Boob-a-licious"
A/N-Well, that's it for today.
And don't you dare forget to leave a review, or else I will Avada all your tushies.
DUNGBOMB!