out of the ashes
but in the end such tired words will rest.
the truth will reroute the narrow things they've said.
the marionette strings will lower and untie
and out of the ashes, love will be realized.
Sleeping at Last, Side by Side
This has got to bet the most tedious day he's had so far. Dull and empty.
Although lately there has been a steady influx of those days. Those days without excitement or the rush of a case. Those days he spends in front of a blank word document, writing not a word. Those days he spends without her. Without Kate Beckett. Dull and empty.
Though today beats everything that has previously been there. His mother keeps talking with the bank manager, or rather talking at the poor man, in this high pitched voice that causes a headache to creep up at his temples. He decides to get up then, moves into the background to observe the bank. Everything would be more exciting than this right now.
He'd call her now. In another life, with things working out differently he'd call her now. He'd call her to ask whether there has been a case, anything for him to find an excuse to leave right this second. She'd probably laugh at him, but stay on the phone anyway, keep him company. She'd probably mock him or ask him to finally, for once, come over to help with the paper work. He'd stay here probably. This is better than paper work right? Although, doing paperwork, he'd be with her at least.
Sometimes he wonders whether he has made a mistake in not going back to the precinct. Most days he's sure that he has. But he is also quite sure that she is doing great on her own. Without his comments and theories, back to normal, without him. She doesn't love him.
He begins to notice the people surrounding him. Watches the pregnant women at the counter before finally he begins to notice the others. The man clutching a bulk in his wide jacket. A woman wearing scrubs. Something is not right about this. There are more, three that he can make out in total.
He feels his phone in his hands but who is he going to call. "Hey yeah 911, there are some people that look strange, I think this bank is about to be robbed" sure seems like a good enough plan.
He finds Ryan's number on his phone. He hasn't spoken to the boys much. They went out for drinks a couple of times, but it has been strange. Without her. The dialing sound chimes in his ears and he waits as Ryan answers the call after the fifth ring.
"Hey, Castle"
"Hey" he really isn't sure how to say this.
"What's up?"
"This is going to sound strange but I am in a bank with my mother and I think it's about to be robbed"
"Are you sure, it's not just your imagination, Castle?"
In that moment the woman locks the door and two men retrieve guns from underneath their jackets to raise them up in the air.
"Everybody get down on the floor"
"Definitely not my imagination, definitely not my imagination"
"Castle what's happening, where are you?" He grabs his mother's arm, pulls her down closer to the floor with him, hopes that behind this desk he'll go unnoticed, gain some precious minutes on the phone.
"Ryan what's happening?" he hears Kate's voice from the background. She sounds- worried?
"I'm at the New Amsterdam Bank and Trust on Lex"
"Ryan" he hears Beckett asking in the background and there is definitely worry in her voice now.
"Espo, there's a 1013 on Lex, call dispatch" Ryan orders and Castle feels slight relief settling within himself. Someone's coming. Soon.
"1013, since when do we handle bank robbery calls?" Espo's voice seems a little farther away, though closing in, as if he had just joined them.
"Castle's there" there is no further comment, just the almost inaudible shuffling in the background and Espo's muffled voice calling in for help.
"Ryan" Beckett's voice seems even closer now, more forceful, borderline desperate. He feels his chest ache with the fear laced into it and he wants to scold himself for still caring so much.
"Here speak to him yourself" he wants to protest, wants to say he doesn't want to speak to her. But the phone is already being passed along, and if he is being completely honest with himself, he longs to hear her voice again.
"Castle" her voice is there now. Loud and clear and he feels something within himself twisting painfully at the sound of it. She's definitely worried, although there is also the slight edge to it that tells him she is doing her best to suppress it. He missed hearing her voice, the way she talked and the way she speaks with a kind of depth to her voice that is uncommon but mellifluous and welcome. God, he misses her.
"Kate, I" he isn't sure what he was going to say, apology, plead, or something else entirely, but she doesn't let him finish anyway.
"Castle now's not the time, I need you to tell me what's happening" her voice is back to being professional and somehow he is glad. Professional cop-mode- Beckett, he can work with.
"They're wearing doctor scrubs, one of them is emptying the cash storage, another one is going for the bank manager, he's getting the manager's key, he's going to the back of the bank"
"Castle, how many are there?" she asks.
"There are three"
There is something cold in his neck now, icy metal, and from years of working with her he knows what it is exactly. There is currently a gun in his neck and he feels everything inside him turn numb. Beckett's voice is still in his ear as he manages a feeble "Make that four" before the man behind him takes the phone from him to talk into the receiver himself.
He doesn't quite understand what he is saying, every fiber of his being seems focused on the dangerous device in his neck and the fact that Kate's voice is gone. Again.
xx
This has got to bet the most tedious day she's had so far. Dull and empty.
Although lately there has been a steady influx of those days.
She remembers the time before him, when days like this had been common and welcome. No rush, no danger, just quiet and time to wrap up paper work. Days where she would go home at night without having felt anything. But then he came along, and with him all his outlandish theories, including the mafia, CIA and aliens. He made her feel. And as much as it had frightened her to the core, she had gotten used to having him around. She had gotten used to relying on him to have her back and to cheer her up on a bad day. She had gotten used to him sitting in that chair next to her and babbling along, completely distracting her from her paper work and bringing her coffee when her mug was empty. She had gotten used to having him in her life.
She makes her own coffee now. It's the same blue mug but that's also where the resemblances end. She has never been able to make coffee quite as good as his. It always tastes flat and bitter. Something always seems missing. Him.
Sometimes she wonders whether she has made a mistake in not asking him to come back. Most days she is sure that she has. But she can't change it now can she?
She wonders whether things would have worked out differently if she had made him listen when he walked away after that book signing in September. But she has watched him walk away and there's nothing she can do about it now.
She wants him back, that she is sure of. She misses him and it hurts. But somehow she missed her chance and now he's gone, and she's almost certain he is better off without her.
She looks at the empty seat next to her. It's cold. She wishes he were here.
She takes a sip of her coffee. It's cold. She misses him.
She is only vaguely aware of Ryan answering his cell. It's only when she hears the "Hey Castle" that her head shoots up.
She knows they've been in contact, went out for a couple of drinks. She interrogated Espo after them. He said Castle was okay. What does that even mean? Okay? Who the hell invented that word and decided it would be a great measurement for someone's well-being?
"Are you sure it's not just your imagination?" she wonders what Castle is up to. What crazy theory he has concocted and is now certain about. She wishes he would have called her. And she knows that in another life, he would have. And she would have pretended to be annoyed, yet still would have smiled and listened to everything.
"Castle, what's happening?" Ryan's alarmed voice lets her thoughts dissipate and focus back on the phone call she only hears one end of. Ryan seems worried. Definitely worried and she begins to think that maybe Castle's call does have a point.
"Ryan what's happening?" she hears her voice before she gets to think about her words. Even to herself she sounds worried, here's the fearful edge to it as it carries through the air.
Ryan looks over at her, listening intently and she stands up to move over to his desk, sees the worry in Ryan's eyes, the fear. He scribbles something down on a piece of paper. An address. A bank downtown. What the hell is happening?
"Ryan" she asks again.
"Espo, there's a 1013 on Lex, call dispatch"
And in that moment everything seems to stand still. A bank robbery. Castle called. A bank robbery. And her fingernails cut into her skin, leaving small, painful half- moons on her pale skin, a tattooed illustration of everything she is feeling now, the collapse of every emotion.
"Since when do we handle bank robbery calls" Espo's just arriving from the break room, a donut in each hand, wearing a completely confused expression.
"Castle's there" it's the only words needed to have Esposito drop his food and start making calls out.
And it's the only words needed to make something deep inside her break. He's supposed to be here.
"Ryan" she needs some more information she needs to know everything.
"Here speak to him yourself" and with that the phone is already passed along. She's not sure this is the best idea. He probably doesn't even want to talk to her.
"Kate, I" she doesn't know what he wants to say, and although she longs to hear it she knows that whatever it is will have to wait and so she interrupts him before he can go on.
"Castle now's not the time, I need you to tell me what's happening"
He reacts quickly. Summarizes the situation for her the best he can and she listens to his voice intently.
She notices the fear in his voice. He's covering it well, professional, but she can't help but feel the sting of pain at her heart. He's scared, and she is not with him.
They're supposed to be together. She needs to get to that bank.
xx
She arrives only five minutes later, doesn't lock her car, isn't even sure she took the key from ignition, and frankly she doesn't care. She broke about every driving law on her way down here and she doesn't care about that either. She needs him to okay.
The scene is already secured, barriers cordoning it off from the curious spectators. Armed forces already surround the building. They are everywhere. On the roofs around the bank, in front of the entrance and on every other side of it, dressed in black, carrying heavy weapons and fierce expressions and she suppresses the low swirls of anxiety at the sight of them. He's more important.
She looks around, tries to find a commander, someone who knows what the hell is going on inside there. The world seems to move so fast. People run around all around her. People, with their phones in hand stand behind the yellow barriers, filming and taking pictures, people crying and yelling, more snipers arriving and being assigned to their tasks, police sirens, ambulances. People, people, people. Not him. He's inside. She needs to find someone.
The world moves so fast.
She just needs some time.
She finds a van a couple minutes later. It's dark blue with the word "police" written in white capital letters on both sides. She doesn't care about the barriers, squashes through two of them and flashes her badge at the officer that tries to hold her back. She's not sure whether he lets her through because of the badge, or because of the look she is giving him, saying "I will kill you if you try to stop me"
"Who are you?" a bald man asks her upon entering the van. He doesn't look pleased with her presence. He carries that aura of superiority and so she assumes he is the leading commander of this case. He seems capable, has done this many times before and she is glad that he'll be the one in charge of this.
"Detective Kate Beckett, homicide" she takes a look around, at the people in the van looking at her like she' some kind of an alien. She knows this is not her place to be. But at the same time, this is exactly where she is meant to be.
"I'll be sure to call if someone dies, meanwhile I need you to step outside" He already turns around again, ignores her very presence, but she can't .She can't leave. Even if she wanted to.
"No sir, my partner is in that bank" Partner. She didn't think about using that word. It just left her lips, fluently, naturally, even after all this time they spent apart. He is her partner. Always will be. And she needs him back.
"Wait we have a cop in there?"
"He's a civilian investigator" was. That would have been the correct tempus. But she can't think of their partnership in the past. Hasn't for all those months. It's not present anymore either. It's future? That's what she has been telling herself at least. That one day, when she has herself sorted out, he'd come back.
"He and I were on the phone when they took over the bank" she thinks for a moment, searches for something that might force him to let her stay "There's four suspects in there, they're dressed up in doctor's scrubs"
He nods, the information is valuable and she knows it. But that's about all she has. All he was able to tell her. They just needed some more time.
"Anything else you can tell us?"
"Yeah I spoke with one of the suspects" his voice still rings in her ears, echoes through her mind like some kind of holding pattern. She'll dream about this voice.
"What was the demeanor?"
"Calm. Actually, very calm" terrifyingly calm. A professional. Someone who knows what it takes to get what he wants. Someone, who'd kill to get there.
"Thanks for the intel, we'll do everything we can to get your partner out safe" he seems done with her now, turns around to get back to his team.
"Okay so what's our next move?" he turns around again, eyebrows raised.
"Well your next move is to leave my command post" he seems annoyed now, but with one look at her face, he softens his voice just a little bit "Wanna help your partner, let me do my job"
She leaves the van then, grudging but still. She takes a deep breath, lets her head roll back and looks up into the sky. It's grey and filled with clouds that promise rain. She bites down on her lip, feels the way her teeth cut into her lip painfully. Everything is tingling, frizzing and uneven. She's been out of balance since she's been shot. Even more so after he left, but now the whole world seems to be wrong. The wrong place, the wrong time, spinning, spinning, spinning.
Her hands clutch her own and she thinks how wrong this is. It's supposed to be him. The hold is too strong, too much force, her nails too painful. Everything hurts.
She misses him.
What if this was it? What if they had missed their shot?
He was supposed to come back. Things were supposed to work out eventually.
He promised her always.
She misses him.
xx
"Detective" she is only vaguely aware of the voice calling for her. It's from somewhere behind her back and it takes a while for her awareness to reach beyond her state of fear and grasp at the words this man is shouting over at her.
Someone is on the phone. He wants to speak to her.
Xx
Keep him calm. Those are the words she remembers. Keep him calm. A mantra. A task. She can do this. Keep him calm. She doesn't remember the other words. The commander talked for a while but it was as if they were under water. Blurry and unclear. Keep him calm. And her chest aches with the ferocity of the importance of this task. Keep him calm.
"Detective you're up for this?" his voice carries over to her again.
No she's not. She's really not. Her chest hurts and her scar pulls and something inside her is clutching hard at her heart and throat. But she has to be. Her throat is closed off and it feels as if there were talons constricting around it, robbing her from all ability to speak or act. Castle is in that bank. She needs to get the phone. Castle is in that bank. She needs to be ready. Keep him calm. Castle.
"Yeah" her voice almost breaks and she takes a small breath to gather herself, wills the pain to dissipate to some place, where it no longer limits her. "Yeah absolutely"
She listens to the calm voice of Trapper John. He's professional. And his threat is real, his words honest. He's going to kill. And he doesn't care in the slightest.
She feels the fear and anxiety mingling in her stomach, an endless dance, lower and lower and she feels the need to throw up creeping up her throat.
"And Kate" he waits a second "I'll start with your boyfriend"
She feels the tears stinging in her eyes, staining her vision and the nausea becoming almost too much. Everything is too tight, too small, her emotions making her claustrophobic within the confines of her body and everything spins. The van, the people, the world. No edges.
A headache starts to form at her temples and there is nothing she can do. Nothing. Helpless. Useless.
He's not her boyfriend. She knows that previously she would have been offended by that statement. She remembers every person she scoffed at for teasing her with that term when they were still partners. Well at least they had been something then. She wants it back. She misses him.
xx
She steps outside a while later. The pain in her chest has loosened up a little now that they have at least something to go on. Sometimes she forgets how much of a genius Castle is, and she smiles at his idea with the morse code. It's probably one of the most Castle-esque things to do and she is glad that at least some things haven't changed.
The air is fresh, a light breeze and she revels in the feeling of the cool air on her skin.
It takes her a moment to notice the red hair behind one of the barriers. Alexis. The girl is trying to get through, looking straight at her. She's by the fence before she knows it.
"They're in there right?" the girl screams, clutching her phone in her hands, fire in her eyes.
"Alexis, they"
"No, you're here and Dad's not answering his phone, and" she looks about ready to start sobbing and Kate reaches out to take her hand. The girl pulls back violently, anger flaring up in her eyes.
"It's all your fault!"
"Alexis-"
"No, you were supposed to call him, he was supposed to be back with you, but you didn't because you never really cared." The words hurt more than Kate would have expected, because many things may be true. But she always cared. She cared way too much. More than she was able to handle.
"Alexis, he didn't want to come back" her voice is in whispers, a silent breath but the girl hears her anyway.
"You kept him waiting for months, what do you expect?"
The girl's display lights up with an incoming call and she turns around to leave for a place a little further away, with a little more silence.
Kate keeps looking after her until her red hair disappears in the mass. What had she expected?
It still hurts, thinking that he didn't come back to the precinct. She knows he's been there to investigate her shooting but got kicked out. She knows she wanted him back from the day she herself got back to duty. And she remembers the look on his face clearly when he stepped out of the book signing and saw her standing there. And she remembers the way he had walked away. She should have gone after him. She didn't think he would have wanted her to. If only she had. She misses him.
Xx
The wait for the paramedic seems to take forever. He notices the hardness to Trapper John's jaw. The way all of them keep eyeing the door.
It takes him a second look when the door opens. It takes him a second look to recognize it's her. It's been so long since he last saw her. Since she came to his book signing and he walked away. He should have waited and let her explain. He should have given her a chance.
She looks good. Pale and a little too slim, her eyes a little darker and the shadows underneath deeper than he remembers but good. Like there was any way Kate Beckett could look anything other than frustratingly beautiful. Their eyes meet over the distance and he sees the worry in the green. She's scared. Worried about him. She still cares.
She moves to the man in front of him and starts talking silently. Soothing words about how there were people counting on him. God, how he had missed her.
"I promise you, I'm gonna get you out of here" she looks up at him then and her eyes speak of so much more than her words, hold so much emotion, like they always have. They speak of apologies and promises and regret and he hopes that his convey the same messages.
Her hand is on top of his and her fingers weave between his. It's only a small moment of warmth that gets interrupted way too soon.
"Don't talk about it, be about it" the voice cuts like glass and he wishes for just some more time. Just please some more time with her, but of course they get up and start the process of getting Sal on the stretcher.
His eyes flicker to his hands as she looks back at him and she lets her hand glide over to his for only a second, giving him the needed possibility to slip a small piece of paper into her hands. It's small and not nearly enough but it's the only thing he was able to come up with for the moment. It will have to be enough.
He watches as she exits the bank, watches as the doors open and she leaves, and he watches as she turns to look back at him. Her eyes find his as if they were the only things that matter and he forces himself to smile a little. They will work this out. He loves her. He misses her.
xx
She finds Alexis in the mass immediately. The girl comes running to the barriers and she shouts a "Your Dad's okay" over at her. She's not sure whether the girl wants anything more from her but moves closer anyway. She owes her that much.
"How were they?"
"They were okay, it'll be okay" she really shouldn't make that promise.
She opens the small piece of paper she still clutches in her hand.
C4
I'm sorry Kate.
Her eyes widen and her jaw sets. Teeth clash on teeth. It's painful.
"What?" Alexis voice is shrill again "Kate, what?"
"Alexis I need you to step behind the yellow barriers please"
She already moves away, toward the van.
There is C4 in that bank. He could die in there.
xx
There's another call by Trapper John waiting for her inside the van. His calm doesn't seem as contained anymore, the stress leaking through his words.
"Where's my bus?"
"Bus is on its way, it'll be there in 20 minutes" she scared of what he might do, but tries to let her voice sounds indifferent.
"The hostages will be dead in two" something churns low in her stomach, but she tries to ignore it. Keep him calm.
"No" it's too loud, startling both her and the commander glaring at her now "nobody needs to die. It'll come, it's just stuck in traffic"
As the conversation proceeds she feels the rage soaring within herself. An ugly little knot tightens in her stomach, anger. And it's almost impossible to keep it bottled up inside anymore.
This man threatens everything that is important to her. Her partner. Possibly the man she loves. Castle. And she tightens her jaw and bites down hard on her lip to keep herself from yelling at him. Breathes evenly. In and out. Just like Burke told her to. In and out.
"I think we both need to just take a deep breath and we can talk-"
"I'm done talking" he yells and she hears the shot immediately following his statement.
It feels as if he had shot her herself. Something plummets deep down in her stomach and everything grows hazy and numb and she is almost unaware of the words she's speaking.
"What was that?"
Please not Castle. Please not Castle. Please not Castle.
"A warning shot, Kate the next one's for the kill"
"Don't you touch him, you son of a bitch" she hears Martha's distressed calls in the background and it hurts something deep inside her.
"Hold her back" she hears Castle now and looks down at her trembling fingers in her lap. She has got to get him out of there.
"I'm gonna make pretty red stains out of your boyfriend Kate, I got my gun to his throat and I'm gonna paint a Jackson Pollock with his insides"
It's in this moment that the rage takes over. Her vision is white as every emotion clashes. The constant fear, the way she has spent so much time without him, the longing, the hope that one day he'll be back and she sure as hell isn't going to let this asshole rob her from that possibility.
It's been on her to wait. It was her mistake to not call after him when he had walked away. It was her mistake to not call him after the summer. It was her mistake to not call again and to instead wait for something to happen instead of acting herself.
But telling herself that one day he'd be back and she'd be okay and they would maybe even manage to have a future together was what kept her going, his declaration of love was what kept her going although she didn't know how to handle it, and even if things don't work out between her and Castle, it is not Trapper John's or anybody else's place to take that chance, that possibility for love away from her.
And so her voice drops dangerously low as she speaks with sharp clarity.
"Listen to me jackass, I do not control traffic, so you're gonna have to give me 20 more minutes"
"No you got one minute, Kate" he shouts.
"No" she's yelling now too, is beyond the point of caring "I got twenty" she waits a second
"Do you hear me?"
"Twenty, because if you pull that trigger, I will walk through those doors and personally put a bullet through your scull" and she hopes that the honesty to her words is also laced into her voice.
"Okay Kate, you have twenty more minutes" it's too easy, his voice too light but it doesn't matter. He agreed. She has some more time. And the relief flooding her system in the wake of his lets tears pool in her eyes. Some more time.
xx
It's unexpected. The explosion shatters the air without notification.
Everything is slow. The sounds around her seem to have vanished. She notices people shouting but all she hears is the explosion, the tremble in the air and her own heartbeat.
She feels something break within herself. A dropped glass, shattered into a million scattered fragments; too vast in their number to ever piece back together, falling lower and lower into the endless chasms of her soul.
The air is still oscillating.
They blew up the bank.
Her partner is in that bank.
xx
She runs out and toward the building without thinking. He's in there. He might be dead. She never got to say sorry. She needs him. She misses him.
She tastes the smoke on her lips and feels its roughness in her throat as she breathes. She feels the tingling on her skin as the ashes and dust settle on it and feels her entire body trembling with the uncertainty of the situation. The explosion still echoes through her mind, the ferocity and momentum still weigh on her chest and she hears it over and over and over, the sound of her dreams and wishes shattering.
It hurts to shout, the soot scratches in her throat and she coughs every now and then but keeps on shouting,
"Castle" there is nothing but despair in her voice, laced with tears and sobs that almost overpower her voice.
"Castle" Her voice breaks around the edges, he's not here, he doesn't answer. He's gone. Everyone is gone.
But then, from somewhere far beyond her vision there is the most silent of calls.
"Beckett"
Although it is faint the voice penetrates the commotion and clamor and reaches her and guides her through the dust to where they are locked in a room that seems more like a cage.
They seem unscathed, covered in dust and sweat, but relieved and whole.
He's smiling at her, tired but honest. And waves his hand in a little half-wave and oh how she has missed his face. He's wearing this crooked smile on his lips and his eyes crinkle oh so familiar and he is there. Near. Alive.
She all but runs inside and to where he is seated on the stone floor and drops down on her knees in front of him.
She longs to touch him, to assure herself that he's real, okay. But for some reason she doesn't dare to, feels invisible strings hold her back in her motions. He's probably still angry.
xx
Police officers all around them start freeing hostages and the first start moving out of the cage, out of the bank and out of the impossible fear that held them captured for the past hours.
There is laughter and sighs of relief, conversation and careful words and in all this there is only her.
She's kneeling in front of him, her hands so close to his, yet not touching. And something tells him she doesn't dare to. Or maybe she doesn't want to?
But there is this smile on her lips. The most impossible smile. It's like sunlight and feathers on a summer breeze, bright, luminescent and honest and somehow, in all the dust and destruction, her presence seems to illuminate the black and darkness in a golden shine.
It should be completely, utterly impossible for a person to smile like that, so radiant, so miraculous, but it's Kate Beckett we're talking about and somehow he wonders how he could have expected for her to be any less than this. Light and a little bit of magic.
"How are you?" her words come out as something resembling a sob and she does nothing to suppress the quiver in her voice. She is so endlessly tired of pretending to be okay, and finally, she doesn't have to anymore. After months, she can finally let go.
He smiles back at her then. Warm and familiar, and she finally dares to let her fingers touch his arm and face. Her thumb moves carefully underneath his eyes to wipe away the soot and dust and watches as his lips turn up into an even wider smile, telling her that everything will be okay.
He's here. Tangible and alive.
"I missed you" the words that have been resonating through her mind for the past months finally fall free and she finds the understanding she has been praying for as she looks into his eyes.
"I missed you too" and a sigh escapes from her lips at his words and something light spills free and dances within herself.
She looks down at his hands then, at the way they are still bound at the ankles.
"Let me get that"
It takes one second to free his hands and she lets her palms rest on the red stains, where the cuff has left its mark.
"He's not the only one here you know?" Martha's voice cuts through their hazy state of reunion and with an apologetic look, Beckett moves over to free his mother as well.
xx
The turmoil seems silent as, finally, they step outside the bank. Sirens, ambulances, yelling, reunions, photos, clamor, and in all this pandemonium she walks in silence. He's by her side, their hands barely gracing each other, his mother happily talking to the bank manager on his other side.
He's silent too. They've never seemed to need many words.
His fingers touch hers and she looks up at him to meet his eyes. There is a small smile on his lips, almost forgotten. He opens his lips and is about to say something, god how she wants to hear his voice.
Whatever he wanted to say, the words don't leave him, for it's only a matter of seconds before his daughter finds them in the mass as well.
She tackles her father in full speed, clings to him, as he does to her and soon Martha joins in as well.
Alexis looks at her once she has blinked away the tears, still holding herself close to her father, her chest pressed against his and over the dust and ashes she meets Kate's eyes and her lips mouth a silent
"Thank you, I'm sorry"
xx
They solve the case later at the precinct. He came back with them after sending Alexis and Martha home. He's sitting in his chair next to her desk and finally everything seems right again. The way they spin theories together and she works on the murder board and the way they end up solving the case as a team. As always.
The boys leave them alone after a small celebration and she is thankful for the time granted to just the two of them.
"Even as a hostage, I help you solve murders" he pretends to be deep in thought before he continues speaking "Beckett, I think you had the perfect partner"
The had hurts somewhere deep inside her. She knows he's right. He had been the perfect partner. He still is now. And he probably always will be.
He's unlike everyone at the precinct. Light, eager and terribly loyal. He has been the one to make her smile even though a case had been rough. He has been the one to challenge her every day and to make her job a little more fun. He has been the one to make her coffee and keep her from drowning. And she looks at the way he sitting next to her now, completely absorbed in thoughts about this, most recent, case and she knows that she truly wants her partner back now.
"So, Old Haunt, I'll buy you a drink?" please say yes, please come with me, don't leave.
"No" she feels like she is falling again, feels the way her jaw tightens and everything about her grows hard again "But I'll do you one better"
Her eyes shoot up to meet his. He's smiling and his eyes hold the same thing she has always found in them, and she hopes that maybe
maybe
he still loves her.
xx
Martha and Alexis have long since left the room. Both exhausted from the day, hoping to forget as soon as possible. And so it's only the two of them left, sitting on the couch, glasses filled with red wine in their hands, sitting in silence.
"So, how have you been?" it's an innocent enough question but it leaves her breathless.
"I've been-" she's not sure what to say. Miserable? Alone? Cold? Missing you?
She shrugs.
"Yeah me too" and somehow she knows that he understands, that he's felt the same for too long.
His hand comes to cover hers, slowly, carefully. His index finger traces the course of her thumb. His eyes are focused solemnly on their intertwined hands between them and soon his fingers interweave with hers and hold on tight.
He's here.
She remembers that time they've held hands before. On a bench in front of a cheap motel, after 3XK got away. This time it's him holding onto her.
His fingers don't stop running patters onto her skin. Little circles, stars and – hearts?
Letters too, although they come and go fast and she has no time to decipher his translucent messages that imprint themselves on her skin. And somehow it doesn't matter. She knows what he's trying to say. The same words she has been trying to bring up the courage for every day since he had walked away.
I'm sorry. I miss you. Please come back.
Her eyes shift their focus from their joined hands on the couch to his eyes. They look a bit darker than she remembers, maybe the shadows underneath a little deeper, even new? But they still hold everything she's looking for. Promise and care and somewhere between the soft cerulean she finds that the claws around her heart loosen their hold. For good.
"I really missed you, Kate. I missed-" he swallows "Us"
His eyes meet hers now and she finds the honesty shimmering in them. The insecurity as well.
"I'm so sorry Castle, I'm so-"
"No, hey, it's okay" he squeezes her hand in his. "I'm sorry too" he finds her eyes again "For everything"
She looks at him and feels the smallest of smiles curling up on her lips again. It doesn't matter. Their mistakes don't matter. Nothing matters.
She knows that sometime soon they'll have to talk about it. About her shooting and the events after that. About her breakup with Josh and Castle's profession of love. About the endless time they spent apart and about their future too.
But for right now, they are together and it's enough.
"Will you come back?" and she feels the incredible vulnerability in her voice as she asks this simple question, because she knows that his answer has the ability to crush her.
"I would love to" and he smiles the smile that a life time ago annoyed her so much. The smile that has now softened around the edges and transformed into something that is just simply and perfectly, him.
AN: This was written for an anonymous prompt on castlefanficprompts on tumblr. "Castle doesn't return to the precinct during rise, the next time Beckett sees him is during 4x07"
I don't know what to think and I hope it wasn't terribly boring and you liked it a little bit!:)
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