This was written in haste for a cake or death challenge at sgaflashfic on livejournal. So for those who didn't read it there, here it is now. Just plain silliness really. Thanks to angw for the quick beta.
The Cake Clan
Rodney sat in the back of a wooden wagon, shivering despite the blanket draped over him. His shoulders ached, pained from the awkward position the manacles had forced him into.
He had been kidnapped—again. That made three times in two days alone. Seriously, how many factions could one government have and why did they all want to get their greedy hands on him? Sure, his genius was unprecedented. And as all the bad guys kept telling him, he could be a valuable asset. But come on. Three times! Had Sheppard and the others managed to keep track or would they still be trying to rescue him from the first or second set of maniacs?
He felt the wagon jolt forward as the horse-like creatures pulling it lurched to a sudden stop. Unfortunately, he didn't have the opportunity to brace himself and had no way to grab onto something. He flew forward, his head slamming into the side planks. Still conscious, but now accompanied by lots of glowing circles from his head inury, he listened carefully to the footsteps approaching.
"You got him?" some woman asked.
Rodney's kidnapper grabbed Rodney's bicep and pulled him up. "Yeah," came the deep voice. "You got the money?"
There was the sound of clanking change and then Rodney was pushed forward into softer arms, though the blanket remained over his head. He could barely make out a petite woman through the fabric.
They hustled him inside, forcing him to take a seat. "I'll have you know that my friends will come looking for me!" he shouted, trying to act strong, even if he was anything but.
"I'm sure they will, Dr. McKay, but please, keep your voice down!"
Someone swept the blanket away while another removed his manacles. Rodney found himself staring at a gorgeous blond, save her crooked teeth and bruised cheekbone.
He was in a large cabin surrounded by numerous women that stared at him as though he were the second coming. They had seated him at the end of a large, rectangular table. In the center was a pile of stone plates.
Turning to the woman, Rodney rubbed his aching soldiers. "Who are you then?" he asked in his best snide voice. "And what makes you think kidnapping me is going to do you any good?"
"I am Emma of Chang," the woman said, bowing low. "And I'm sorry for the confusion, but it was never our intention to kidnap you."
"Oh really?" Sure, he'd buy that, same as he'd buy the Wraith were a benevolent group of hippies that only believed in peace and love. "And just what would you call dragging me away, stuffing me in your wagon, and draping that blanket over me while driving to some unknown destination?"
The foundation creaked. Rodney looked up to see a tall brunette clothed in a ragged dress come forward. She was holding a large, ornate cake. Or what looked like cake at any rate. Given they were on an alien world, it could have been their version of roast beef for all he knew.
The woman did not say anything as she placed the cake on the table and began to section out slices.
The blond woman bowed again. "All will be revealed, I assure you. First, however, it is our desire that you share in the ceremonial dessert."
Dubious, Rodney stared at the delicacy. "It's poisoned, isn't it? You're going to kill me with cake?"
"It is perfectly safe. We always share in cake with those that we rescue before returning them to their loved ones."
Rodney wasn't sure he heard correctly. Did they say 'rescue'? "What?" was all he managed to say aloud.
"We had to hide you beneath the blanket to get past the sentries, and I am sorry for not being able to free you from the restraints until now. Also, we could not explain that we had come to rescue you without risking being overheard. Please forgive us for the confusion."
The brunette placed a particularly large slice of what looked like marble fudge with chocolate shavings in front of him, holding out a stone spork.
"Uh, thanks, I think. Who are you people again?" He didn't trust them and he could see that this hurt them. Everyone held a slice of cake now, looking at him expectantly, as if the only way everything would be okay was if he took a bite. Much as he loved cake, he needed more answers first.
"Who we are is not important. All you must know is that we rescued you. Eat the cake and we shall return you to your people."
"And if I refuse to eat the cake?"
"We send you to your death for insulting our honor."
Well, that made his decision easy. He wasn't sure what to expect, so he closed his eyes, wincing, preparing himself for anything that might happen if the cake was more than it seemed. A moment later he was in heaven. Whoever had baked this marvel was a genius.
There were claps from all around him as well as a few victory shouts. "Hoorah!"
"Thank you," the blond said. "We shall now take you to our gate where you can travel home safely. May the Ancestors bless you on this honorable day." She bowed once more and Rodney half-bowed in return.
"Uh, why are you doing this?"
"This is what we do. It is our clans way. Now, it is time for you to go."
They allowed him to take his cake with him on the journey back, which he ate greedily. True to their word, they led him to the giant ring.
Before he could dial, they left him standing at the DHD. "Farewell," they called back, giggling.
Rodney managed a small wave back then dialed the Alpha Site.
When Rodney arrived in Atlantis, chocolate mustache and all, his team had just been preparing to move out (again) and save him. "No need," he called. "I'm good."
Over dinner, he related his story of the 'cake clan' and their strange ways. "For once, I think we found a culture worth taking a tradition from," he said despite a mouth full of food.
From that point forth, every time the team arrived from a rescue mission, the chef would have a cake waiting. Whenever Rodney was kidnapped, and the struggle was getting to be too much, it was amazing how thoughts of the yummy treat awaiting his return would help strengthen his resolve.