Intro

A case that triggers Danny's negative emotional response and awakens his inner demons who haunt him since his brother's death, throw him over the edge. With no more pieces left to try, he can't be fixed. All he wants is to embrace the shadows and to be free. Little does he know about Steve's stubbornness, though the path that lies ahead of them is beyond stony. You'll get to learn how Danny deals with this whole thing because - as you can guess - he didn't think he's going to survive and with the inevitable fallout of his suicide attempt.

Warning: I don't recommend this story to people who already deal with depression. I'm not just scratching the surface. I'll lead you to the most complex and dangerous place in the world: the human mind - Chapters total: 7

Chapter 1

Tears streamed down Danny's face as he took the last photograph of him and Matt out of the old, battered shoe box. Steve had taken the snapshot before things went south.

"This ends one of two ways, big brother. You either shoot me, or you say goodbye."

The words echoed in Danny's head in an infinite loop. He saw himself standing at the fence pointing the gun at Matt. What if he 'd been the cop, he'd supposed to be and shot him? What if he arrested Matt?

"The pain won't go away Danny, but you'll learn to live with it," Steve told him not long ago.

"But you can't guarantee it, can you?" Danny muttered.

"No, but you can't guarantee you won't be living the happiest day of your life and get hit by a truck either. We can't live on what ifs; you can't live on what ifs." And while Steve tried to look him into the eyes, Danny was sweeping the floor with them.

The pain and the guilt would never go away.

He remembered Matt's funeral, the looks that were thrown in his direction. There were no words needed to say who they held responsible for the misery that's been brought to them. Danny should have protected his younger brother. Instead, he got him killed by making a fucking decision that was against everything he believed as a cop. It was written all over their faces, "Why is Matt lying in this coffin when it should be you?"

A ragged sob escaped his throat. The photograph slipped from his fingers, fell to the floor where all the others were already scattered around.

Danny was broken beyond repair. Not even Steve's unconditional love could fix him. Steve might've sensed that something was off with his lover. He'd been acting a bit weird lately because he felt like moving around in quicksand. The harder Danny tried to get himself rid of his inner demons, the deeper he sank into depression. Then there was this case of human trafficking that had cost the lives of a dozen people, mostly women, and kids. Their death was unnecessary, like Matt's death. Danny felt confused, drained, sad, extremely depressed, hopeless, useless and worthless. He and Steve hadn't slept with each other for over a week. Danny had told him he didn't feel well. It wasn't an outright lie. He'd just bent the truth a bit by blaming a cold.

Since Matt's death, Danny's life had turned into a scale that balanced between darkness and light. Whenever he tipped into the darkness which happened a lot these days, the scale never rebalanced. Steve's presence was enough to keep him teetering in the middle, somehow. But what if he jumped off it … Danny didn't want Steve to carry that burden.

He looked at the crumpled piece of paper that lay on the coffee table. He'd scribbled somewhat last words for his lover.

Dear Steve,

From the very beginning, I knew, no matter how hard I fell for you; you would always piss me off. You are the only person I know who can switch from being an outright dick to be utterly charming, during a fucking conversation. I love you, Steve. I really do.

And therefore, I have no right to drill my dark thoughts into you. I'm stumbling, but I won't let you take the fall with me.

Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. The time has come where I opt to end the suffering once and for all. Forgive me.

Danny

All emotions he'd bottled up since he killed Marco Reyes rushed to the surface. Danny thought holding the muzzle into Reyes's ugly face and pulling the trigger would make him feel better. Instead, he felt absolutely nothing. His whole world went numb. A cry, mixed with anger and despair, escaped his throat as he hurled the bottle of beer against the wall.

Exhausted, he went into the bathroom where the tub filled with warm water was waiting for him. He dropped his clothes where he stood and settled into the tub. Danny leaned back and closed his eyes for a moment while his hand reached for the knife that he'd prepared.

He welcomed the pain as he sliced his wrists. A rush of peace and contentment washed over him as he watched his life seeping from his body in thick, dark rivulets of blood. For the first time since his brother's death, he wasn't afraid of the darkness. He embraced it as he drifted off into oblivion.

####

"Jerry, what the hell you think you're doing with this trunk full of nonsense? We're going on a weekend trip and not a treasure hunt?" Grover hollered out, not quite amused.

Jerry dropped it and put his hands akimbo, "I need something to read. I'm not into hiking or climbing or fishing."

"Ever heard about Kindle? Max teased, "Tons of books packed in a tiny pad."

"I don't do Kindle; I like the way my books feel and smell." Jerry defended his decision.

"Speaking of smell," Chin chimed in, "I hope you know how to take a proper shower in the wilderness."

Kono chuckled.

"We're only away for two days, and you want me to shower, seriously?" He wrinkled his nose.

"I'll teach you about the Navy shower," Steve offered. Before he could go further into detail, his cell phone chirped.

He didn't look at the caller ID.

"McGarrett?"

"Hi Steve, this is Rachel," Danny's ex-wife replied, "sorry to disturb you. Is Danny with you?"

"Hi Rachel," he gave his team a questioning look, "no, Danny's not here. But why are you calling me and not him?"

"I've tried, Steve, for the last couple of hours, "but all my calls are going straight to voice mail."

"Is there something wrong? Why are you so concerned?" Steve asked.

"It might sound crazy but could you please check on him? His last call was a bit, um, awkward, like he would wish me goodbye." Rachel's voice trailed off.

"I know he is suffering a cold, he probably …"

"Believe me, whatever he suffers from is certainly not a cold," Rachel interrupted him. "Shouldn't you know him better since the two of you … I mean …"

Steve brows shot up, "I, what?"

"Don't panic. Danny told me about it. I'm happy for the both of you. However, two weeks ago, when he visited us in Los Angeles, he wasn't bouncing with happiness from the ceiling. So it's either you that pissed him off or something else, but I'm sure as I could be it's not as simple as a cold. And then there was this call from him, today. I'm the last person who wants to be a pain in your ass; sorry that sounded a bit odd, given the circumstances. But can you do me a favor and check on him?"

Steve's heart hammered in his chest; dark shadows crossed his eyes. "I'm on my way Rachel; I call you as soon as I know what the hell is going on, promised."

"Thank you," Rachel said, and then the line went dead.

Steve's voice was firm, his expression dead serious when he talked to his teammates.

Jerry decided to hold the fort. Kono and Max took Kono's car; Chin rode his Harley, and Lou suggested driving Steve's truck. He was thankful for it because his mind was on overdrive with the adrenaline-induced state of captivating bedazzlement as he recalled the last few weeks with Danny.

It's been a rough time for all of them. H50 busted a ring of human traffickers. Not all the victims made it out alive of the rust bucket of a ship. Twelve people, mostly women, and kids, died. Given the state of decay, Max said they had been dead long before the rescue team had set a foot on the floating death trap.

And as kids in Charlie's and Grace's age were involved, Steve blamed the case for Danny's foul mood and the cold that he never had according to Rachel. He'd even bought his friend some medicine to get better. How little did he know about Danny's emotions? The thought made him cringe.

Lou drove the truck like the four horsemen of the apocalypse were on their heels; they were at Danny's in no time. All of them got out of the car. The Camaro was parked in the driveway. Steve hurried to the backside of the house to get a clear view of the living room because its large box bay window didn't have a curtain, and the lights were on. He went on autopilot as soon as he discovered the mess on the floor. He almost flew back to the front yard, kicked down the door and yelled Danny's name at the top of his lungs. It stank of stale beer. His teammates swarmed out as well, cleared every corner of the house.

Steve couldn't tell why it was the bathroom door that stood slightly ajar that caught his attention. As soon as he entered the dimly lit room, his feet were welded to the floor. He wasn't able to move an inch.

"Danny, for chrissake, what have you fucking done?" he whispered. Danny's eyes were closed. He was lying in a pool of red water with his left arm dangling over the edge of the tub. Steve's instincts took over. He went to the tub and fell to his knees next to it. A thick, dark pool of blood that covered the floor soaked into his cargos. He gently cupped his lover's head that lolled to the side, "No, no, no. After all, we've been through; you think you can take the easy way out? I didn't die on you, and you won't die on me either. I'm not ready letting you go. You hear me, babe? Max, in here," Steve hollered out.

The coroner was shocked as he discovered Steve kneeling in the middle of a bloody mess.

The other teammates gathered outside the bathroom door to give their friends enough room to move around. Kono was already on the phone, dialing 911.

"I've found some empty bottles of pills as well," Chin stated dryly.

"Do me a favor and keep them for me," Max said.

"Done."

"Steve, remember his skin is wet. Anchor your hands under his limp thighs and try to get a firm grip." Max instructed him. He counted to three. Then they lifted Danny's body out of the water. It had splashed on their legs before it became a shallow pool on the bathroom floor.

"Let's move him over there," Max pointed his head to a free space away from the tub.

"Your T-shirt," the coroner said demanding.

"Is Danny breathing?" Steve asked while he was ripping the shirt from his body and then further it into tinier stripes. He shared them with Max, who pulled the cloth tightly around Danny's wrist and tied it into a knot. Simultaneously, Steve did the same thing on Danny's other hand.

"How long until the ambulance arrives?" Max wanted to know.

"In a few minutes," Kono replied.

Steve pressed two fingers to Danny's neck.

"Don't you dare, Danno, don't you dare." He cursed his friend, inwardly.

On raised knees, Steve put the heel of one hand on Danny's chest, the other one on top of it and started pressing down hard, repeatedly. Sweat beaded on his forehead. When he stopped, Max tilted Danny's head slightly back before he blew air into his lungs.

About two minutes later, two paramedics arrived and supported them.

Steve desperately tried not to lose it as he took a step back to let them do their work.

"We need to shock him," Max stated dryly. The paramedics prepared everything.

"Two hundred joules," Max ordered.

The team heard the defibrillator power up, and each of them said a silent prayer.

As the defibrillator discharged and Danny's body rose up in response, Kono put her hand over her mouth to stifle a cry.

Nothing.

"Power up to three hundred joules," Max barked.

Danny's body rose up once more. The heart-rate monitor spiked and kept a steady rhythm, to everyone's relief.

Max intubated the blond detective before the paramedics carefully lifted his limp body onto a gurney and wheeled him out.

Chin stayed behind until someone came around to fix Danny's entrance door which could take a while.

Steve climbed the ambulance and somehow managed to settle his lanky frame into the foldout chair opposite to Danny. This situation wasn't new to him. He sat there before, more times than he could think of but last time, the roles had been reversed, and they hadn't been in love with each other or at least, not like they were now. Steve took Danny's cold hand into his and squeezed it tightly. Tears stung in his eyes.

"You're not leaving me, Danno. You hear me? If you think, I'm a selfish bitch ordering you around; you're damned right. You were the piece of me I never knew I was missing. You are Grace's and Charlie's everything. We need you. You gave the gift of life to me not so long ago. I wished I could do the same for you." Steve had never felt so helpless in his life before, and he owed Danny and would do everything possible to help him. Unfortunately, there wasn't much he could do except talking to Danny and hoping his words would somehow reach him. Steve's voice cracked as tears kept rolling down his face.

With wailing sirens, Danny was rushed to the Tripler Army Medical Center and into a future so unknown that scared the crap out of Steve and the rest of the team.