Faith's POV
"Why are you still here?"
"Huh?" I look up from my bowl of cereal, to find her glaring at me from the doorway of the kitchen. I didn't even notice she was there. I wonder how long she's been watching me.
"Why are you still here? Everyone else is gone. So why haven't you left too?" Her tone is harsh and unpleasant. It makes me want to get the hell away from her as soon as possible. I won't let her know that though, she can't see how much her words hurt me.
She does have a good question. Why am I still here? I look at her closely for the first time in a while, and I remember at least one reason why. She looks like shit. Her hair is a complete mess, and her eyes are red like maybe she's been crying. She's pushed everyone else away with her bitchiness. I just can't seem to abandon her too, no matter how much it hurts me to stay, no matter how much she wants me to. Instead of rising to her challenge I just shrug. "Got nowhere else to go."
I don't even know why she cares if I'm here or not, we almost never see each other. We'll sometimes cross paths in the morning. I usually try to make sure I'm gone before she gets up, but I was daydreaming this morning and she snuck up on me.
"You need to find somewhere else to go. I don't want you here." Her hands on her hips, scowling at me. It might be possible to take her seriously if she didn't look so weak and pathetic.
I resist laughing at her, that will only make things worse. I don't want to fight. "I'll start looking for another place after work." Even though the council supports us, I need to keep busy, so I found a job. I look into her eyes to gauge her response, she's brought this up many times before, this is the first time I agreed to it. Not that I had any plans of actually leaving, but I just didn't want to argue about it. I see a brief flicker of fear, and then it turns back to the angry scowl she carries around most of the day.
"Fine." She scoffs and turns away in a flash. I hear her leave the house and slam the door on her way out.
"What the fuck!?" I whisper once I'm fairly sure she's out of earshot.
It's been three years since we destroyed the Hellmouth and Sunnydale with it. Since then things in the world of Buffy have really turned to shit. Even though we came together for that final battle, she never could forgive us for the mutiny. She especially never forgave Giles, directly told him to fuck off as soon as we were clear of danger. Can't say I blame her really. We should never have treated her that way, and I've never forgiven myself for not standing up for her. At the time though, it seemed to make sense to everyone.
There were now thousands of slayers in the world. Considering how hard it was for her to cooperate with just one new slayer, it's not too surprising she completely lost her shit when there were thousands. A lot of them moved to a compound in Cleveland where they train and fight evil together. Willow and Giles formed a new council with some others, and they train all the baby slayers. New ones are being called since the spell, once they get old enough. Now when there is an apocalypse, they have an army of slayers to call on. Sometimes they ask me to check something out if it's local. But mostly they don't need either of us anymore. I haven't stopped to think about how I feel about all that, I mostly just try to keep busy and take care of B as best I can.
I've thought about going to live with them lots of times. It would probably be a lot better for me than staying here. Whenever I visit, everyone is super cool to me. Some of it might just be sympathy, since they know I'm dealing with B. None of the new slayers know what she was like before, they don't know what she's been through. Even though she hates me and doesn't mind telling everyone how I'm an evil murderer, I just can't bring myself to leave her all alone.
They really don't know the whole story of why she hates me so much. I wonder if she even really understands why she hates me. I know I did some terrible things, a lot of it wasn't directly to her though. Sleeping with Riley was a pretty fucked up thing that I did do to her. Looking back on it now, I can't believe that I did that. Though I also never understood how she could have been with that guy, he was so clean-cut and boring.
Maybe I figured she was always disappointed in me and I wanted to live down to her expectations. She wanted me to be just like her, always doing good and making the right choices. She had no idea what it was like for me before I was called. My life was never anything she could relate to. I'm not trying to make excuses for the choices I made back then, I know I fucked everything up. I'm just done letting it drag me down. Though maybe that's not true since I'm here. Thinking about all the mistakes I've made, living with someone who hates me.
Sighing I clean up after my breakfast and the dishes she couldn't be bothered to clean up after herself last night. She doesn't seem to do anything, doesn't work, doesn't go to school, doesn't have any friends. She doesn't even fight vampires anymore. Besides the few words she occasionally growls at me, she probably doesn't speak to another person, ever.
I know she was wicked depressed after being brought back to life, but this seems even worse than that. It sounded like she was just withdrawn then, but she wasn't mean to everyone, she didn't completely close herself off. I wasn't there though, I don't know for sure how hard things were for her then. Yet another of my long list of regrets.
I keep in touch with Willow and Dawn, and we've talked about it a few times. They just don't seem to have the energy to deal with her shit anymore. They've got plenty going on in their own lives, so I don't blame them. It's not that they didn't try, they did. They just couldn't get anything out of her. Any attempt to talk to her was met with angry, harsh words. She always seemed to know the right thing to say to push them away.
I can't help but flashback to that day. The day we ganged up on her and kicked her out of her own damned house. Who does that? Assholes, that's who. The only one who always supported her was Spike. It blows my mind that those two hooked up. Makes me wonder if I know anything about her at all.
I hear the door slam again and her clomping up the stairs. It sounds like she's in my room, throwing things around. "Again. I ask... What the fuck?" Nobody answers my question, maybe it's time to have this out. I run up the stairs to find her throwing my stuff into plastic bags. I say nothing as I watch her, leaning against the door jam. She's furious and breaking everything that is possible to break as she crams stuff into the bags. The most recent bag tears as she shoves a picture frame into it. She falls to the ground screaming and crying.
I want to go to her. I want her to let me, but I know that she won't.
"B?"
"What!?" She turns to me, crying stopped, venom and hatred frozen to her face. Eyes bright red and her face is puffy.
"I don't know what I'm supposed to do." I stand calmly, arms folded over my chest.
"You're supposed to leave me alone like I've asked you to hundreds of times." I don't bother trying to point out that I said I was going to leave. We both know it wasn't true.
"I... can't." I stumble over the words.
"Why not!?" She stands screaming at me, her fists clenched at her sides.
"Because, Fuck you, that's why not!" Ok, why the hell did I say that? Having her scream at me, after breaking all my shit enrages me. I'm yelling back now, though I instantly regret it. As much as I know she wants to fight, I really don't. She's been awful to be around, I still can't bring myself to actually want to hurt her.
"Fuck me?" I almost laugh at the shocked look on her face, and how odd it sounds hearing her swear.
"That's right, I'm sick of your shit. What is your problem?" I take a step into the room, trying to contain myself, and not let all the emotions I've been holding in all this time fall out of me in a rage.
"My... problem... " For a moment she looks down, a sad and confused expression on her face. I wait, hoping she'll say more. She locks eyes with me and scowls. She rushes towards me, I think at first to attack. But she just brushes me aside and runs into her room. Slamming the door, of course, as she lets out an inarticulate roar. I roll my eyes at her tantrum and look at the mess of my room.
I should be heading to work right now. But can I leave her alone after all this? It's not like I actually need to work. I stand outside her door, listening. The silence is deafening. She must have gone out the window, I'd be able to at least hear her breathing if she was still in there.
"Guess I'm taking my first sick day." I should probably stop talking to myself…
Sighing I return to my room to change into something better suited for chasing crazed slayers around town. My normal semi-casual work outfit probably won't do great if we get into the woods, plus this red vest isn't the best look.
It's a small town, but I don't have any idea where she might go. I consider bringing a weapon with me but decide against it. It looks like she might have raided her weapons chest, but it's a little hard to tell for sure since her room always looks like a disaster. I guess I'm counting on her fighting fair. Hopefully, that doesn't turn out to be a mistake.
The town is bordered by steep mountains on one side and dense woods on the others. There's only one road out of town, it's possible she would have hitched a ride and could be long gone. But I kinda doubt it. It's not like she has anywhere to go.
Exiting the house, I go around back to see if I can pick up her trail. I see where she landed in a bush and crashed through the fence behind the house. So now I know she either wants me to follow her, or she's completely lost her mind. Even a baby slayer wouldn't cause this much damage if she didn't want to. Either way, at least I have a trail to follow.
Hopefully, by the time I've found her, I'll have figured out what the hell I'm going to do. I quickly follow her path of destruction, leading me towards the mountains. I love these mountains, I spend as much time as I can out here. I love the smell of the trees and the sounds of the animals. Growing up a city girl I never knew how awesome the woods could be. I didn't think she had ever come near them. Though I guess I have no idea what she does during the day, while I'm at work.
Her trail of destruction starts to head up a steep hill. It is getting a bit harder to follow her now since there are fewer things to damage. Mostly she's just tearing up the ground under her feet. I get to a clearing where there is no visible sign of where she might have gone next. I used to be able to sense her, but ever since the spell to activate all the potentials, I don't seem to be able to anymore. It makes me sad that we've lost that connection. I tried to talk to her about it a few times, but she wouldn't answer me if it was the same for her.
I pause in the center of the clearing and listen, hoping to hear any sign of which direction she might have gone in. There are no sounds whatsoever, a little too late, I realize what that must mean. I'm hit with a flying kick to my back. I sprawl to the ground, skinning my knees and hands on the rocks. I get to my feet as quickly as possible, turning to face her.
"You bitch! Why are you following me?" She asks, with a terrifying gleam in her eye. She stands in fighting position, fists raised and clenched.
I do my best to stay composed, shocked that she attacked me from behind and then swore at me. "Who said I was following you? I come out here all the time." I brush the dirt casually out of my wounds, without taking my eyes off of her. I see she has a knife tucked into her belt. A knife that I am suddenly not at all surprised that she still has.
She growls and launches herself at me. Punching chaotically and furiously, I block as many blows as I can. Not willing to return her attack. Her attacks, while still very dangerous, are not at full speed or strength. I don't know if she's trying to lure me in, or if she doesn't really want to hurt me. Deciding it's time to find out which, I let her hit me. She strikes me solidly on the cheek with a right hook. I lean with it and let it knock me to the ground.
I see a look of shock register on her face, she knows she didn't hit me hard enough to knock me down. I make no move to get up. "What are you doing!? Get up and fight me!"
"Don't wanna."
She pulls the knife from her belt. "Why not? Afraid of what happened last time?"
I can't help myself this time, I laugh. Which was maybe not such a good idea. She leaps on top of me. Her knee landing on my stomach and briefly knocking the wind out of me. It takes me a moment to recover my breath. She continues to grind her knee into my stomach, and she's holding the blade to my throat.
"I should just kill you. Maybe that's the only way I can get you to leave me alone!" Her eyes are dark and filled with fury, baring her teeth at me. Pressing the cold knife into my throat, she hasn't broken the skin yet, but she's close. I briefly wonder if that knife has been used since she stabbed me with it. Does it still have my blood on it?
"Maybe you should. You hate me so much, just do it. Then you can be completely alone." Staring into her eyes I spit my words back at her, trying not to show any fear. Only returning her anger with my own. I'm not sure if I mean it or not. I don't want to die, but I don't want to keep living like this either.
Her brow furrows, "Why are you still here!?" She screams at me, digging her knee into my stomach. Grunting against the pain, I smile up at her.
"Do you think we should get a puppy?"
"Wha.." I feel her rock back a little in her confusion. I take the opportunity to pull her hand with the knife away from my throat and throw her off of me. The knife drops from her hand, and I grab it, pinning her to the ground. My knee digging into her stomach the same way.
"Is this what you want? Is this what this is all about? You want to die?" I hold the knife to her cheek, wanting to see her eyes as she thinks about the question. What I see there terrifies me. She's staring at me vacantly, there's no fear or anger there, she's just empty. "Damn, B." I stand up and back away, she doesn't move.
"I should be dead." Her voice is barely a whisper.
I think I know how she feels. From the moment I was called, I knew I might die every day. But I kept on not dying. I kept on getting back up, just like she did. I found my purpose in trying to redeem myself for the awful shit I did. She doesn't have that. All the things that might have given her purpose are gone now. The weight of the world is no longer on her shoulders, and she doesn't know how to handle it. I don't know how I could have missed this. I spent so much time trying to be here for her, and I didn't even take the time to think about what her problem really was. I just thought she was just being a jealous, spiteful bitch. I should have known better, she could never be that.
I sit down on the ground a few feet away from her. Digging in the dirt with the knife, trying to figure out what to do now. I have no idea what she needs. It might be better if she were around more people, but there are no people left. She burned all her bridges, burned them and then spat on them. Even her sister gave up on her. Would they listen now? Could I even explain it to them? Is there anything they could do for her?
Is there any way for her to forget what we did to her? Forget what it felt like to be betrayed by those that were supposed to love her? Should she even forgive is us? She was completely right after all. She sacrificed her life to save Dawn, and even she couldn't be bothered to support her sister. Maybe we don't deserve her in our lives. But it's killing her to keep hating everyone.
Tears start to fall, I can't help myself. Ever since I've known that she existed, I looked up to her. Despite all the awful shit I said and did to her, despite how much I pretended that I didn't want to be like her, she was my hero. And I totally let her down. The tears fall more freely, and I start to sob.
"Why are you crying?" She actually sounds curious and not freakishly angry, like I expected her to.
"I screwed so many things up. Can't ever seem to do the right thing, even when I'm trying to."
She continues to lay there, staring up at the clouds. "Why are you still here?" It's almost a whisper, all the venom gone from her question. It makes me wish I could give her an answer that would make everything better. Hell, any answer that made any kind of sense would do. "And don't try to tell me you have nowhere else to go. I know they want you to move up to the slayer compound."
"I can't..." I can't think of what to say, that's what I can't. In times like this, it would be handy to have had some healthy relationships. Then I might know how you're supposed to act around people you care about. A little shocked to admit I actually care about her, I've never admitted that about anyone, not even to myself. How can I care about someone who hates me so much and treats me like shit?
She finally sits up, her anger returned. "Can't what Faith? Can't stand to be away from me, even for a second?!" Staring at me. "Do you think if you stay by my side, somehow that will make you better? Like you can redeem all the evil shit you've done by following me around?" I cringe and shrink away from her furious gaze and words. Having her look at me like that still hurts, even after all this time. I hear her gasp a little, and I turn to look at her. "I've been so unfair to you." She whispers and looks back down.
"What?" I'm surprised at her words, not because they aren't true, but because I can't believe she's realized it. "Oh." I understand what happened now. I let my guard down, she finally found a way inside. I reacted to her angry words, and she saw it. She saw that I was afraid of her, even if it was only for a second. Before this moment I would never react to her nastiness. I'd just let her think I deserved it, maybe I even thought that I did. I sigh, thinking about how we got here.
This was just a small town that we were passing through on our way out of the crater that is now Sunnydale. Most everyone wanted to keep moving, but Buffy wanted to stay. She never said she wanted any of us to stay with her, but a few of us did. Dawn, Xander, Robin and a couple of the new slayers. The slayers didn't stick around long though. Once the new council was formed and the slayer compound setup, they headed up there right away. Robin left not too long after he was fully recovered. There wasn't enough evil to fight in this town, and I made it clear that I couldn't leave, and that I wouldn't be enough of a reason for him to stay.
Dawn and Xander left about 3 months ago. Dawn got accepted at a big time university on the other side of the country and Xander went with her. Buffy insisted that he should go with her to keep her safe. Not that it took much insisting. By that time the only things she said to anyone was to say something bitchy. She never lifted a finger to help out around the house but was always ready to complain about the mess. Nothing was ever good enough for her.
She never directly brought up the day we betrayed her. She never threw the harsh words that we said back in our faces, but I'm pretty sure that's where it all came from. She didn't trust anyone to have her back. Who can blame her?
Once it was just the two of us, we actually had a couple of decent nights. She asked me questions about my past. I was so surprised that I actually answered her with the truth. I told her about my mother. My drunk of a mother who I still loved no matter what she said or did. If I had known she would use it against me every chance she could since then, I never would have opened my damned mouth.
I didn't even realize what she was doing until this moment. She had been toying with me, pretending to be nice one day and then a monster the next. I never let her get to me though, it wasn't the same as when my mother did it. Buffy wasn't quite as good at being mean as my mother, and I wasn't a little kid anymore. I could handle her verbal warfare, I wouldn't let her push me to leave. Eventually, I did get sick of all the ups and downs though, so I just focused on staying out of the house as much as possible.
I let her get to me this time though, I let it show that I was an actual person with feelings. Seeing how she just reacted, I wonder now if she even knew what she was doing. What would she have been trying to accomplish anyway? Just driving me away? She could have just left herself, though I probably would have followed her.
How can we move forward from this? She's been torturing me, whether on purpose or not, and we both just realized it. Plus there's the whole thing where she wants to die.
We sit in silence for a while. Maybe a long while, it's starting to get dark.
"I'm sorry." Buffy sighs, frowning as she looks down at her hands. "I don't know what my problem is."
"It's not just that you're a monstrous bitch?" I reply, clearly joking.
"I'm sure that isn't helping." She smiles back at me. The smile doesn't reach her eyes, but I have hope that something is happening now. Like maybe she's finally trying to actually come back to life.
"Believe it or not, I might know what your problem is." I pause, waiting for her typical bitchy response. I can't look at her as I speak. I only stare at the knife as I dig into the ground with it.
"You were the one girl in all the world. Then I came around, and that was hard enough to deal with. Now there are thousands of you's running around. But they don't have any idea what it was like to be the one girl. Everyone always looking to you for answers, the weight of the world on your shoulders. I don't really know either, but I at least have an idea." I sigh, afraid of what will happen when I say this next part. "For that brief time that I was in charge. I had a tiny taste of what you must have felt every day since you were called. I only made one decision, and it was the wrong one. You told me you could have just as easily fallen for that trap, but I doubt it." I'm surprised when she still says nothing, so I keep going "What are we supposed to do now? Nobody actually needs either of us anymore. Nobody expects us to have any answers or make any decisions. I know it's not the same for me as it is for you. I never had to deal with any the shit you did. Nobody ever expected anything from me, except maybe to fuck everything up. Hell, most of the time I was in a coma or in jail."
"I had no idea you could babble." Her voice is soft, and there might be the start of a smile forming on her face.
"Hey! I don't babble!" I look over at her with surprise at her lighthearted joke.
She laughs, the sound of her laughter seems to electrify the air. I realize I might not have ever heard her laugh like that.
"I don't think you've said that much to me in the past year."
"Probably not. You haven't exactly been easy to talk to." I see her wince slightly at my words and I regret them. I'll have to find a way to stop bringing up the bad things in our history if anything is going to get better.
She's staring at me now like she's never seen me before. I think maybe she hasn't ever really taken the time to think about me. The silence is starting to make me uncomfortable, but I'm not sure what else to say. I can't tell if what I said makes sense to her or not, it seems to have changed something for her.
"Why are you still here? I've been awful, you have no reason to stay. No reason to keep putting up with my insanity."
I only shrug, I still have no answer. Even though there have been a few times I briefly considered leaving, I know I never would have. I don't know why it just feels like this is where I belong.
"I guess there is no slayer retirement plan." She frowns staring off at the trees. Seeming to accept my lack of an answer.
"You don't have to actually retire, there is plenty you could still do."
"There's one thing you left out of your babble-fest. One major difference between me and you. I was never happy about being the slayer. This is never what I wanted."
I look at her thoughtfully, I could never understand why she felt that way. Who wouldn't want to be super powered? But then I never felt the burden of responsibility that she did. "You could go back to school. Find something normal to do. I'm sure the council will pay for it."
Her eyes brighten. Had that really never occurred to her? She had always said she wanted to go to school and be normal. Has she been so wrapped up in her misery that she forgot about that? What has she been thinking about these past few years? Just being miserable, not even trying to think of ways to make things better?
"I can't." Her eyes cloud over again as she frowns.
"Why not?"
"Because…."
I look over to her, waiting to see if she'll finish.
"I'm afraid." B, afraid? I feel my mouth drop open in shock.
"Afraid of what?"
"What if I can't do anything else? What if the only thing I'm good for is killing demons?"
"You can't be serious." How has she lost all her self-confidence? That was never a problem for her before. She never showed any sign of doubt in herself, whether it was demon killing or anything else in her life.
"I feel pretty serious." She pouts, and I want to laugh at how silly she's being, but I don't. I know she has real pain that she needs to work through. I wonder when I became so mature.
"Wasn't school going pretty well before you had to leave to take care of Dawn? Why would it be any different now? Plus, you won't be having to deal with an endless stream of monsters interrupting your studies."
"I guess."
"It can't possibly be worse than these past few years have been, can it? Besides if anyone picks on you I'll come kick their ass. Maybe I'll even take some classes with you."
She looks up at me, eyebrows raised in surprise. "You're going to stay with me? After how awful I've been?" I can't tell by her reaction if she's upset or not, I guess neutral is better than angry.
"Sorry, B. You're stuck with me." I smile and stand up, reaching out my hand. "Come on, let's go home. That is unless you still want me to kill you." I look into her eyes, glad to see that some light had returned. I really think she's ready to try living again.
"Wait… You'd take classes with me.. But.."
"Dawn helped me get my GED." I want to point out that we had a party and everything, she was there, sulking in the corner. I don't want to undo any progress we might have made by bringing it up.
"Oh, that's really great." As annoyed as I am that she doesn't remember, I can see her genuine happiness for me.
She slowly reaches up and accepts my offered hand. We walk home in silence. I know it's not going to be this easy. She's been trapped in misery for a long time, it will take more than a few conversations for her to figure out how to be a person again. I think we're at least finally heading in a good direction.
Once we get home, I grab a beer and sit down on the couch. She sits down next to me. I'm surprised but try not to react. I don't think she's sat with me on the couch in all the time we've lived here. Even when she was pretending not to hate me.
"Faith?"
"Mmm?"
"Do you really want to get a puppy?"
I choke on my mouthful of beer, a little comes out of my nose. "I was just kidding, but come to think of it, they say pets are good for retired old ladies."
Laughing she smacks me with a pillow.
I can't believe how amazing it is to hear her laugh.
I really need to sort out my feelings. Am I just letting her take advantage of me? Do I even know how to have a normal friendship with someone? I could have been doing something productive these past 3 years. Helping to train the baby slayers, fighting evil, not being treated like shit. Instead, I stayed here with her, doing nothing. Working a menial job just to keep busy.
It makes no sense that I've stuck by her all this time. We were never friends, never even close. She even tried to kill me, she was ready to feed me to a freaking vampire. I don't know why she didn't, she could have stopped me from escaping that night. I wouldn't have been able to stop her if she had come after me again. Instead, she decided to let me go and risk her own life to save Angel. Something she would never have had to do if I hadn't made so many mistakes.
Why the fuck am I still here?