CRACK FIC!

Seriously, it is PURE crack...

With own characters Vicky & Chaz in this :D

I don't own anything besides myself… :D

"Hello and welcome to the Jeremy Kyle show," Jeremy announces with a smile to the audience of a mix of humans and vampires in Morganville's City Hall. "Today, we don't have one issue, we have many – and they are all stemming from the same family!" he laughs and the rest of the audience do, knowing just who this entire situation is regarding. The awkward relations all surround Amelie, the Founder; who knew that the 'perfect' Founder would have such a complex home life?

Jeremy takes a look back at the stage with the plush black leather chairs (for such important guests, most of them vampires, they decided to upgrade… and the smell of chavs wouldn't leave the old chairs) on it before addressing the audience once again.

"There isn't so much an issue, more just wishing to clarify the situation and to get certain feelings out in the open," Jeremy continues, feeling his age as he speaks. He's forty five and should probably stop this soon: he's going to have a heart attack if he has to deal with the stress much more. "On the stage first, we have Chaz and Vicky, the youngsters in the situation, who have possibly the most complex sibling relationship possible!" he announces and the audience clap – he knows they probably wouldn't if it wasn't for the fact that they are told to clap on cue.

Chaz and Vicky emerge from the same side of the stage – their side is rather crowded, to be honest – with a smile and sit down next to one another on stage. Jeremy addresses the elder – Vicky – as he sits down in the chair next to her.

"Vicky, how are you?" he asks with a smile which she reciprocates, tossing her curled hair over her shoulder: both her and Chaz are dressed extremely well for why would Amelie let her children out on stage without wearing clothing valued less than $3000.

"I'm good, and yourself?" she responds politely, wringing her hands lightly.

"Good… now, Vicky, would you like to explain just who Chaz is to you?" Jeremy begins with possibly the most controversial part of the entire situation.

Vicky blushes and averts her gaze from everyone. "Um… she's my half sister…" she says half of the sorry story before continuing, "she's, um, also my step-mum," she continues quietly and the audience all intake a huge amount of air with all their faces the same:

:O

Jeremy smiles and waits a few moments to allow this bombshell to settle. Both the girls on the stage are blushing, wondering how to explain it further. "Chaz, would you like to explain?"

"Well… we have the same Mum, but Sam is Vicky's Dad, not mine – we'll get into that in a minute," Chaz says with a smile, knowing her family relations are even more complicated than Vicky's. "But, even though I'm younger than Vicky, Sam and I just had a connection and I love him… so I nabbed him from Mum and then, well, yeah," she trails off, not sure what else there is to say.

Once again, the audience gasp in shock, not entirely sure how to react: do they support the younger girl or the girl who is now the step daughter of her own sister… who is younger than her.

Jeremy looks away in shock for a second, evidently having forgotten part of the story told to the researchers. "And what we should perhaps clarify is just who is a vampire in the situation," he says. "Bishop, your grandfather is, Amelie is, Sam is but I think that that is everyone?"

Vicky shakes her head and scowls, not happy about this part. "Oliver is as well," she mutters, not wanting to admit that he is part of the family.

"Icky Oliver," Chaz adds with a grimace, high fiving her half sister/step daughter – let's just stick with the half sister lark – in agreement.

"We've scheduled a year for us to be able to get through your issues with Oliver but shall we wait until he's on stage?" Jeremy suggests and they both nod.

"Oh yeah, and there is also Michael who is a vampire and my boyfriend, Myrnin," Vicky continues, almost having forgotten the 'M's in the situation. She smiles at the mention of her nephew (as she is half-siblings with his dad) and Chaz's step grandson and also at the mention of her loveable scientist boyfriend who hopefully hasn't burnt down the house since she left… oh wait, he's here so he can't have, can he?

"So there are six vampires and five humans: you two, Eve, Richard and Hannah?" Jeremy confirms and they both nod. The audience begins murmuring at why the mayor is part of this situation, all of them wondering if it will be scandalous enough to gossip about for the duration of his time as mayor. "Right, now it is time to be bringing your mother, Amelie, out onto the stage," he calls loudly, though his increase in volume is not necessary for the elderly vampire to hear.

She emerges onto the stage and is, of course, wearing a hideous suit that she adores – and it's in a cream colour. "Mum, you have got to stop wearing those hideous things!" Chaz whispers to her mother, embarrassed to be sitting anywhere near her. Lucky for her, she chooses to take Jeremy's recently vacated seat next to her eldest daughter, causing Vicky to grimace hugely.

"You have got to learn to respect your elders," Amelie shoots back, evidently at least a little angry with her daughter – who wouldn't be if she stole your boyfriend?

"So, Amelie, tell us how you see the situation unfolded," Jeremy addresses her, causing her to cast a huge glare over him.

"I am not to be called Amelie," she attacks him this time but he holds his ground.

"My show, my rules, therefore if I wanted to call you pink elephant I could," he retorts sharply, causing an unscheduled ripple of applause from the audience. "Now, if you would answer the question, so to speak."

She sighs but nods her head. "Fine. Well, my children are evidently on stage with me, my eldest Victoria being born from the person I thought I loved, Sam," she begins, causing Vicky to grimace at being called by her full name. "Then I, um, sort of had something a little while later, still whilst I was with Sam, with Richard Morrell and therefore this is where Charlotte is from," she continues and the audience, once again (they really need to work on their reactions), gasps in shock.

AMELIE CHEATED ON SAM!

Jeremy's eyes goggle at the information that someone like Amelie cheated on her boyfriend, partner, whatever. But then he manages to react, "so, somewhere down the line, things broke up with Sam?" he confirms but Amelie shakes her head.

"No, we sorted through it and were together, though he didn't really see Charlotte as his daughter because, well, she isn't," she makes it bluntly obvious, her tone cool and seething. "Yet once Charlotte was old enough to 'fall in love' she decided to set her sights on Sam… and he loves her back, apparently, so he dumped me for my daughter," she continues, barely hiding a tear in her eye.

:O

Nobody could blame the audience for having this reaction – generally someone who raised you is not the place where you set your sights for a boyfriend. Chaz, however, stares defiantly, knowing that she did the right thing and, anyway, her Mother had moved on and forgiven her already. All she's doing is playing up the martyr card.

"And Vicky, how do you feel about everything?" Jeremy addresses the girl with brown hair, a strange result as the daughter of a redhead and a blonde.

She shrugs but turns away from Amelie slightly, more on a direct line with Jeremy so she is looking at neither her sibling nor her mother. "Well, I would have preferred it if my parents hadn't have split up but it's not as if either of them are depressed now," she responds, her tone cool in a direct imitation of her mother as she reaches the end.

"What do you mean by that?" Jeremy asks with a smile, knowing what is coming. Yet he shouldn't have gotten here so quickly; he needs to find a way to bring Sam and Myrnin, Richard and Hannah, onto the stage as well before the big finale… oh and Michael and Eve as well. But they can just slip out anytime.

"I mean about a week later she was snogging Oliver and confessing how she has always loved him," Vicky snaps and the audience, unsurprisingly (seriously, people, you need to get this sorted out), gasp in shock.

"Is this true?" Jeremy asks Amelie, who blushes slightly.

"Y-yes it is true," Amelie whispers and ducks her head.

"Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for us to introduce many people at the same time if we have a desire to make it home before the next Leap Year," Jeremy says with a laugh, causing the audience to snort slightly. "Sam Glass, father to Vicky and partner of Chaz, Myrnin, boyfriend to Vicky, Richard, Father to Chaz, and Hannah, step mother to Chaz… would you like to come out onto the stage now, people?"

It has been decided that it would be better to leave Oliver on his own in the other side of the stage for the moment, whilst the other relations are sorted out first – all he is going to do is cause angst between the children, who do not want their mother dating him. but that isn't the issue right now.

Sam comes out first to a mix of boos and cheers, blushing profusely to make his face as red as his hair. He takes the seat next to Chaz and ignores Amelie, who in turn leans forwards and makes it obvious that she has his daughter. Myrnin drags one of the chairs across, muttering how despicable it is that he has to move his own chair, and forces it inbetween Chaz and Vicky whilst Richard and Hannah take seats on the far side of the stage, not involved in this whatsoever.

"Let's start with you, Sam, how do you feel everything is at the minute?" Jeremy asks the redhead who shrugs.

"Well, she's keeping my daughter from me, so it's not too great right now," he motions towards Vicky as his hand goes around Chaz.

"I hate to confess this, Sam, but she isn't your daughter," Amelie, predictably, says.

However, Sam simply grins and motions towards Jeremy who nods his head. "I knew that you would use that one, Amelie, so Jeremy ran DNA tests."

Vicky is, of course, horrified that her Mum could pretend that her Dad isn't really her dad just to hurt him. so she is relieved when Jeremy says, "Without surprise, it is 100% confirmed that Sam Glass is the Father of Vicky, so could we please stop trying to say that she isn't or anything similar?"

Amelie blushes but nods, letting go of Vicky who is instantly wrapped in a hug by Myrnin.

"Back to the question, Sam," Jeremy says in a warning tone, having realised that there was no real response.

Sam shrugs and thinks before answering. "Well, I want to see my daughter more, but that's already been said. I think that everything is good, considering the circumstances," he fobs the King of Fob Offs (hello, Jeremy did cheat on his wife and take drugs, yano) who snorts.

"You mean considering you traded your girl in for a younger model who just happens to be her daughter?" Jeremy confirms.

"I was never 'his girl'," Amelie mutters; keen to not be stereotyped in this situation. People nod in the audience and some other people begin to clap, some of them just clapping to join in and not entirely sure why they are clapping.

"Well, yeah, I guess," Sam says, slightly abashed at the way that Jeremy is making him out to be a monster. "But she was a control freak! Seriously, Jeremy, you could not have lived with her: sixteen years was my limit! She had to have everything lined up in millimetre exact positions! Everything was bloody timed to an exact second! You didn't have a chance to relax!" he explodes at Amelie, who flashes silver eyes at him in anger.

"You were a slob!" she retorts angrily. "You wanted to sit around all the time and you even refused to take your daughter to the park," she continues, causing Vicky to blush at the memory of how she clamoured to get to go to the park since her Mum was always 'too busy'.

"Have you forgotten that I am a vampire?" Sam asks incredulously. "Oh yeah, that would go down well: Daddy why are you burning up? Because you know how I'm a vampire? well, in the sun I burn!" he shoots back angrily, a sort of pride in his voice that shows how he knows he has won.

Jeremy, meanwhile, has moved away from the arguing pair, the three inbetween them really regretting their seating choice, and is focusing on Richard and Hannah. "So, Richard, you are the Dad of Chaz. I seem to notice that you're both sitting away from them all?" he makes reference to the fact that they are so far on the other side of the stage that one of their chair legs is falling off.

"Well, yeah but it was a mistake – I see Chaz every time she wants to see me and Hannah is pretty awesome with her," Richard responds, slightly uneasy with having the attention on him. Hannah nods and smiles, placing her hand on his. "I mean, we've got our own baby on the way so, to be honest, we'd rather stay out of it all… it isn't anything to do with us."

Jeremy nods and permits them to leave the stage, Richard stopping only to confirm with Chaz that she is going to his house on Thursday for dinner.

"Now, to replace Richard and Hannah – congratulations by the way – we have Sam's Grandson and Vicky's nephew, Michael, with his fiancée Eve Rosser!" Jeremy announces and the golden angel walks down the corridor with his Gothic beauty, pulling the chairs across the stage slightly but staying in limbo between the sides.

"Before you say anything, Jeremy, I don't care one bit about who is who," Eve butts in. "I've watched your show enough times – it's awesome by the way – and, honestly JK, I don't care what my opinion holds."

Jeremy looks amazed at being referred to as 'JK' but nods with a smile. "And you, Michael?"

He hesitates, looking across at the mass of bodies on the other side of the stage. "Well, I support Sam because he's my Grandad but Vicky is one of my best friends, as is Chaz and, oh I don't know! I'm staying neutral, like Eve," he chickens out of making a decision, causing the 'sides' to all despise him.

"So, let's clarify, Sam and Chaz are on one side whilst Vicky, Myrnin and Amelie are on the other?" Jeremy confirms but Vicky jumps in.

"I'm on neither side because both have a parent on so I can't play favourites," she says instantly, causing everyone to look at her in shock.

"Honey, it's normally the parent who can't play favourites with their children," Sam says gently but she shakes her head.

"I can because I love you both and, also, Chaz is on your side so that's even more reason to be on that side but Myrnin is on Amelie's probably and… yeah, neutral here," Vicky, like Michael, decides to be a coward – yet she has a reason.

"Oh and the fact that Oliver is on Mum's side ought to be enough to make anyone leave it," Chaz butts in, causing everyone to laugh. Even Amelie laughs, showing how she has really forgiven her daughter for stealing Sam from her…

"Speaking of the devil, it is time for Oliver to be on the show, ladies and gentlemen," Jeremy says, his heart sinking as he thinks of his precious stage. There'll be a stage brawl in a matter of seconds but he doesn't want his precious stage to be dented!

The greying vampire steps out onto the stage and is met by boos from all around: the only one who likes him on the stage is Amelie, but even she can't stand him sometimes!

Sam instantly stands up and rushes across the stage to attack him – as Jeremy predicted – but Oliver throws him onto the stage floor, causing everyone to wince for Sam. However, Myrnin comes over to vilify Sam and ends up on top of Oliver – not a pleasant sight, to be honest – and punches him right on the nose.

"You mean person!" Oliver cannot find a comeback without his lucky nose and struggles to his feet, feeling the bones reconnecting together. Everyone takes a deep breath, with Gérard (security) coming out to support everyone.

"That, Oliver, was the worst comeback I have ever heard," Jeremy points out, earning him the death stare from Oliver. "Now, I am going to ask you all to describe Oliver in one word, starting with Michael… one at a time."

Michael: "Prick."

Eve: "Ass!"

Sam: "Thieving bastard!"

Jeremy: "Sam that was more than one word!"

Sam: "Sorry… um… lying toerag who reveals to you that he has loved the person you actually did love for seventeen years all through that time… oh, that's more… um… Bastard."

Chaz: "Man whore."

Myrnin: "Dog."

Vicky: "Minger."

And finally, Amelie: "Um… strong."

Jeremy smiles whilst Oliver scowls at all this negativity surrounding him. the audience laugh at how everyone hates Oliver, probably resulting in them being put on his death list which also includes Sam, Myrnin, Michael and Eve: he can't kill the children of his 'girlfriend'.

"So, it's clear, we all hate Oliver," Jeremy says with a smile, something the people on the stage barring two all cheer at in agreement. "Right, so let us clarify finally before we finish with the last confrontation: Chaz is the daughter of Amelie and Richard, the latter of whom is married to Hannah and having a baby. Vicky is the daughter of Sam and Amelie. Vicky is dating Myrnin whilst Chaz is now dating Sam, whose ex Amelie is dating Oliver, who everybody hates. Michael is the nephew of Vicky, the grandson of Sam and the step grandson of Chaz… and Chaz is also the step mum of her older half sister. Whew, that is complicated!" Jeremy explains everything and everyone is in agreement, pretty much.

"So, what's the last part?" Chaz asks, not sure what's going on.

"The last part, ladies and gentlemen, is the chance to greet Bishop once again," Myrnin announces, beating Jeremy to the punchline. "Oh, Jezza – can I call you that – don't be upset. It was my invention, after all, that allows us to see the wonderful parent which has caused all of us to be here today!" he continues gleefully, ignoring the looks of utter shock and disbelief on everyone's faces.

"Myrnin, have you forgotten he tried to kill me?" Sam hisses.

"No need to be so self focused, Sam, he tried to kill us all," Amelie, of course, has to shoot back. Jeremy stands there and realises that he has seen divorced couples who get on better than these two.

"Ok, ok, he tried to kill you all but got closest to killing Sam," Jeremy diffuses the tension regarding who Bishop tried to kill the most and shrugs. "Now, Myrnin, please do your thing and bring him back."

Myrnin throws up a marble in the air and causes it to hit a complicated mess of tubes and various other things, all sparking electricity. then he begins to chant and, amidst a cloud of smoke, a translucent image of Bishop appears.

"Jeez, I was expecting at least a corporeal thing that I could attack," Sam says, disappointed with the ghost. "Wait, is he going to linger and haunt us forever?"

Ghost Bishop shakes his head scornfully. "Redhead idiot, why would I want to do that? I have much more important dealings with in the afterlife including killing my enemies to be the head of the evil crowd… which you have interrupted by bringing me here," he basically makes it known that none of them want to go to his hell because otherwise it would be hell!

Everyone sighs in relief before wondering why he is back. "Jeremy, why is he back?" Vicky asks in confusion, wondering why she has to see her Grandfather.

"He's back so that you can all let out your anger and vent your frustrations to him," Jeremy explains. "It may mean that you can all get on well after this, if you recognise that he is the one who has manipulated everything."

"Mum, how much are you paying him?" Chaz whispers to her Mum so that Jeremy won't hear.

"Nothing; I'm compelling him to forget this all afterwards," Amelie explains, causing them all to laugh. Then she raises her voice, "Father, you were the worst thing to have happened to my life. If you hadn't have returned – by the way, the whole 'pretending to be dead' thing you partook in did nothing for my complexion – then things would definitely be different right now. So I hate you and please return to your hell."

People applaud this and they do the same for the other confessions of hatred towards Bishop, who only appears bored.

"Is that it?" he asks after Eve finishes her rambling about how Bishop was really mean to her cat. "Oh and Goth girl, you don't have a cat so you have just wasted fifteen minutes of life discussing a lie… goodbye," Bishop says before disappearing into nothingness.

Four hours after this session was started, Jeremy realises it is time for it to end. "That is all we have time for, ladies and gentlemen. We have clarified the most complicated family tree in the history of the universe: next week, we are discussing with a Mr Potter about his feelings for his best friend, let us see you then!"

The television cameras are turned off and the guests instantly disappear down their own avenues: Amelie and Oliver one way, Chaz and Sam another, Michael and Eve somewhere else whilst Vicky and Myrnin stay to take the machine down. As they stay, they hear one woman saying:

"Wow, who knew Amelie was a whore?"

Vicky turns to Myrnin and they both laugh before they both hear disturbing noises coming from the end of the corridor: Chaz and Sam or Amelie and Oliver.

"Which pair went down there?" Vicky asks before realising both have her parents. So she shudders and throws up on the ground, realising she doesn't want to know.

Just who was it?

Whatcha think?

Wow, it was long!

Review please!

Vicky xx