RUN, ASHLEY DAVIES, RUN
A South of Nowhere oneshot
written by Stessa
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How come one can look so fine on the outside, but be so broken on the inside?
The question bounced around the walls surrounding her, left traces of dreams and memories behind, as it hit the floor and burst into million upon million more, and the girl placed her head in her hands, simply because she didn't know how to answer a single one of them.
She didn't understand how she could have screwed this up so badly. How could she have managed to lose just about everything that actually meant something to her? Not only had she messed it up with Spencer because Aiden had been in the background, waiting, but then she'd messed it up with him because she wasn't done with Spencer.
And now Spencer was done with her, and that meant that they were over, and she didn't handle that very well.
It wasn't often that she really cared. How come that when she did, she absolutely had to go and ruin it, too?
Caring was not something normal for her, caring was a strange word that wasn't associated with her too often. People assumed she had no worries, had no feelings for anyone or anything, because she tended to ruin everything and have a so-what attitude. But that didn't mean that she couldn't care. It didn't mean that she didn't care.
Because Ashley Davies cared. She cared a lot.
She'd cared about her father, even if he was never there to spend time with her. She had cared about Aiden when they were going out; she'd even cared about their baby before it was lost. And now, now she'd cared about Spencer. Maybe a little too much for someone who was used to getting everything important taken away from her. Why did she still care for things, when she knew they were going to be gone eventually?
Nothing good ever lasted, she'd come to that conclusion very early in life.
Being with Spencer had been something new for her, something she'd never dreamt of. She hadn't thought that a person of Spencer's kind even existed, let alone wanted to spend time with her. But good things did happen to her – even if only for a while.
The pain was slowly tearing her apart. It was like someone had reached from the bottom of her stomach, upwards, towards her heart and was now squeezing every piece of life out of it; it felt that way, when she thought of that fact that she was never going to be with Spencer again, to touch her like she used to, to kiss those lips and run her fingers through that dirty-blonde hair. Sobs erupted from her stomach when the thought of never holding her hand again entered her mind, and she crouched over, letting the palms of her hands hit the hard floor beneath her, but she didn't feel the pain; she had too much on the inside.
She felt like running. Running away from everything; from the pain she was feeling, the amount she was hurting. She wanted to forget everything, to move away, because she didn't handle these things very well. How could she? No one had been there the teach her how to. Not her mother, not her father. Just Ashley. Always just Ashley.
She looked up and let her eyes linger on her cell phone on that table, right there in front of her. She wanted to – she wanted to call so badly, but she knew that it wouldn't be a good idea. Why would she want to hurt herself further, to let anyone know how vulnerable and broken she felt?
The shiny pink device drew her closer though; before she knew what she was doing, she was crawling across the dirty floor, her bare knees scraping against the cracks and the dents. She didn't care about that – the only thing she cared about was Spencer.
But there was no point, was there? There was no point in trying to make a reason when it wasn't going to work out in her favour anyway.
There was no reason for her life, even.
Before she knew it, her fingers were dialling. It was like they had a way to work on their own, her mind did definitely not agree on it, that was for sure. They were pressing the familiar number she had had memorized since day one.
It only took a matter of mere seconds for Spencer to pick up.
"Hello, this is Spencer?"
No.
"Hello?"
Hang up the phone, Ashley.
"Anyone there?"
I'm here.
"Ash? Ashley is that you?"
Run, Ashley Davies, run!
"Ashley is something the matter?"
The brunette smacked her phone close and threw it on the table with an angry growl. Why was everything so hard for her, why couldn't she just be normal and be with Spencer? Why did everything she touched break into pieces? Why was she her, why was she Ashley Davies and not someone completely different?
She took a second to breathe, and then did the only thing she could do – she ran.
She didn't lock her door, she left it wide open as she ran down the stairs in the building and onto the street outside, passing children and grown-ups and dogs, she ran on her bare feet down the pavement, and away from the life she had tried to build, even if she knew it was going to crumble down before she even got really started.
Her feet were burning, but her heart was on fire as well. The wind blew her hair back and she felt freer, felt slightly better even. She ran like she'd never run before, and it felt good, because dealing with nothing was her speciality, dealing with everything was not.
She just wished that something she did gave her life meaning. But it didn't; none of it did. What was the point in even trying?
Right then she fell. She stumbled over something invisible and fell to the ground head-first. Her knees scraped and her palms burned as she lied there, nose into the grass, as lost as she was, not daring to move.
Get up, Ashley Davies, get up and start running.
"You know, nothing made sense before I made it make sense."
Turning her head to the side, she saw a pair of bare feet, much like hers. They were dirty and rough and they looked male. Ashley squinted her eyes and groaned.
"Don't feel like getting up?"
The voice sounded male too, sort of old and screechy, not used. She turned over to lie on her back and closed her eyes again because the sun was hitting her straight in the face.
A throat was cleared, "You need any help there, sweetheart?"
Ashley opened her eyes again, slowly, carefully, and above her she saw a silhouette, only black, with the fading sun behind it. There was something above the head, it almost looked like... a halo.
But a second after it was gone, and an old face was getting all up in her business. She felt her eyes widen and rolled to the side before she sat up and glared right back at the old man who had so rudely stuck his beard into her nose.
"You got up!"
His laugh was life-confirming. The way his entire body seemed to shake as it started in the pit of his stomach and made its way through his neck and out of his mouth. A full-grown belly laugh.
Ashley placed a hand on the side of her face, so the sun wouldn't annoy her eyes. "I just went running." she commented.
The old man stretched his arm out and offered her a helping hand. Ashley looked at it for a second or two, and ignoring the dirt on his skin, she grabbed it and let him pull her up. He was strong for such an older gentleman, but at this pace, nothing would surprise her anymore.
"Did you go running for fun? Or because you needed to? I don't suspect you did it to lose weight, you seem awfully skinny."
There was a blink in his eye, and Ashley smoothed down her skirt. "I guess I just needed to."
"Running away from something special?" he mumbled and finished off with a very cocked eyebrow.
Ashley stared at him for a second or two, and decided that she didn't want to comment on that.
He looked at her knees, "You're bleeding."
Ashley looked down – only to realize that he was right, and that there was dirt and grass in her open scrapes and that she looked as if someone had run her over, twice. She tried to brush some of it off, before she looked up again, "Yeah, I guess I should-"
But he was gone.
Turning around on the spot, Ashley Davies tried to locate the old man who'd helped her up, but there was no one in sight; only her, standing there alone, barefooted.
Suddenly feeling vulnerable again, Ashley hugged herself and closed her eyes. What was it the man had said? Something about making sense.
Well, nothing does these days, Ashley thought to herself before she pushed her hair back and turned on her heel to get back home. Guess it's not actually possible to run away from something. Can't even do that. Leave it to me to slip and fall on the way.
The walk home seemed a lot shorter than when she ran it, but Ashley didn't mind that – all she wanted now was to get home and fall onto her comfortable bed.
The man was still on her mind though, now along with everything else. Who had he been, and why had he been exactly where he had been, when she had been exactly there as well?
Sometimes life really didn't make much sense.
When she climbed the staircase in her apartment building and made her way down the top floor hallway, she realized that her door was still open. She stepped inside, and though she should have been worried about her things, she wasn't even relieved when she saw that none of them were gone. The only thing she noticed, was what her eyes zoomed in on immediately.
Spencer Carlin.
"Oh my God Ashley, where have you been?" the beautiful blonde exclaimed and placed her hands in her sides, much like Paula would have probably done.
The astonishment she felt to see her there almost made her too stunned to speak. "I – I went for a run."
"Did you call me?" Spencer asked her, crossing the floor to stare her right in the eye. "Someone did, but when I picked up, no one replied. I was afraid that something might have happened, so I went over here and the door was wide open." she paused and gave her a once-over with concerned eyes, "Did you say you went for a run? In those clothes?"
Ashley could only nod.
"But what happened to 'exercise is overrated'? I thought you never did exercise!"
"Spencer I want you back."
The words had left her lips before she was able to stop them. Taking a breath, she wasn't even sure if she would want to.
The other girl tilted her head and got that caring look on her face again.
She doesn't want me back.
"Ashley..."
"I know you don't want me back. But Spence – there's nothing in this world that makes sense if I don't make it make sense. And the only thing that makes sense, is if I'm with you and you're with me, because you-and-I is perfect sense."
Spencer shifted uncomfortably on her feet.
"I went running because nothing made sense, but then I realized that I have to make it as I want to, for only then will it make sense, and that I can't run away from something that I really want, because there's no sense in that at all."
Please say you want me back, Spencer, without you I make no sense.
Spencer squinted her eyes. "But Ash, you looked alright to me."
Of all the things she could say, she said that. She went ahead and actually cared.
"That's another thing I realized." Ashley quickly said, locking her eyes with those beautiful ones, holding Spencer there because it was the right thing to do. "I realized that someone can be fine on the outside, but be so broken on the inside. That's when you run."
Taking in a deep breath, Spencer reached a hand up and gently brushed one of Ashley's curls away, "I'd never run, Ashley. Because – for me – you and I always made sense."
A smile found its way onto her face and a hole new feeling spread itself in her entire body.
Reaching a hand out to grab hers, Spencer pulled her closer, "Come on, let's go clear those wounds of yours."
Maybe this doesn't really make sense. Maybe it does. All I have to say is that you have to make it make sense before it really will. I guess what I'm trying to do here is write about a subject that a lot of modern writes try to do. As in, what is the purpose of life, and everything seems to question our entire existence. At some point, I just really want this to be more than just something random, because there's no sense in that. (And yup, I do realize that the word 'sense' is probably used here more than it should be).
I must say that Ashley was perfect to do this with. She's such an interesting character, and since this is my first South of Nowhere fiction, I mostly did it to try my hand with her character, because I need to get a bit familiar with her, since I intend to write more for this fandom. :)
I hope this wasn't entirely horrible. Please leave me your thoughts and hopefully I'll be back with more soon.
Disclaimer; I don't own South of Nowhere.