Disclaimers: Don't own them. The song "I Know What Boys Like" belongs to Pure Sugar.
A/N: Another stupid OOC story, though not extremely stupid because Pete finally gets something cool to do! This is just something to make people laugh. R&R please! :) Be warned there's some slashy elements to it. Please nobody take offense to this, I'm not trying to make fun of homosexuals at all.
Pete's Revenge
By: Molly
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 1: Victim #1: Clark Kent
(Pete sits in a leather chair in what looks like a fancy library. He smiles wickedly.)
Pete: Hello, my name is Peter Melville Ross, but I bet you didn't know that did you?! And do you know why? Because I get no lines! None! (He sighs. Licks his lips.) But I'm not bitter. Really. Because I have this. My revenge. I know things about the people in Smallville that would make you pee your pants. Awful things.
(Pete looks at the camera with an evil gleam in his eye.)
Pete: This tape will reveal all their dirty little secrets. The people I'm torturing are Clark Kent, Lex Luthor, Chloe Sullivan, Lana Lang, Whitney Fordman, and Various Freaks of Da' Week. Some may ask why the elder Kents are excluded. Well for one, you've got Bo Duke, and no man shall ever mess with someone as sacred as a Duke. And Martha is the woman that Bo Duke chose to spend his life with, therefore she is off-limits too, though I do know a thing or two about her past life as a......oops, that cannot be revealed.
Pete: Now for my first victim, Clark Kent. Clarkbar used to be my best friend. Then he ditched me for Lex Luthor. Now I'm just the token black guy, there to say a few funny things, and then go chasing after some girl who I could never date cuz I'm so darn short!
(Pete's mom can be heard in the background)
Pete's Mom: You'll grow honey, you'll grow. And any girl would be lucky to have such a cutie like you.
Pete: Thanks Mom, but can ya go away, I'm tryin to make a movie here and you're embarrassing me.
Pete's Mom: Sorry! Oh, did you take your medicine today that helps you go poopy?
Pete: (blushes) YES!
Pete's Mom: Ok, then. Good bye!
Pete: (turns back to the camera) That's just my mom. She's very um, senile. Now, uh, back to Clark. I have footage, actual footage, not doctored in any way, shape, or form, of Clarkbar doing some very....unmanly things. Now you may think that Clark would be a manly man. His father is Bo Duke, he wears a lot of flannel, and he likes kittens. Um, wait, scratch that last part. But anyway, here's clip number one of Clark having fun with my older sister's closet. You've been warned.
CUT TO: Clip
(We can see Clark dancing around a very pink room. He has on a tiny belly shirt that says "Boy Watcher," on it and has sequined lips all over it. You can also see that a certain part of that shirt has been, um, stuffed. He's also wearing tight leather pants, ruby red lipstick, and black high heels. He's holding a "Tell Your Boyfriend I'll See Him Later" shirt up to his stomach while he sings and shakes his booty.)
Clark: (singing) I know what boys like.....I know what Lex wants. I see him looking. I'll make Lex want me. I like to tease him. (Clark kisses the mirror.) Boys want to touch me, I'll only let Lex. I know what boys like....I know what Lex wants. I know what boys like....boys like....boys like me. (breaks off and starts humming)
Clark: You look FABulous! All the boys will be just flocking over you, oh, you'll make Lex so jealous. Then he'll come after you. (starts to do a runway walk) Now turn to me....pout...oh, Clark you're gorgeous. Absolutely stunning. Now smile. Make love to the camera.....
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: Shocking, isn't it? There's more you don't know about Clark Kent......
CUT TO: Clark's room. Night.
(Clark lies awake in bed, looking at his ceiling.)
Clark: Are you there God? It's me, Clark. I know I ask for a lot God, but I really want Lex to notice me, and like me. Not like me, but like like me. Boys are so frustrating sometimes. He acts like he likes me sometimes and then sometimes he acts like I never exist. Please help me out God. And while you're at it, could you make my chest bigger?
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: Okay, so that's the extreme stuff. Now there's some stuff that's a little lighter, not as disturbing. Though I do have a lot of disturbing stories to tell. It is a little creepy when Clark suggests we hit the showers....even when we don't have gym class and we were just sitting there at the Talon......ah, never mind.
CUT TO: Clark in the shower.
(Relax ladies, it's only his silhouette from outside the shower. We can hear Clark singing waaaaaay off-key)
Clark: It's a raining men, Hallelujah! It's raining men.
CUT TO: Outside the door
Martha: Relax, Jonathan. It's just a phase. All kids go through it......some worse than others.
Jonathan: I'm just a good ol' boy.
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: Okay, so maybe Jonathan didn't really say that. We had it dubbed like that cuz we all just loved DOH right? Right? Yeah, I thought so.
Pete: (continued) See this is my problem with Clark. I'm cool with the fact that he's in love with a guy...even if it's Lex Luthor. But I've been his best friend since the first grade. I didn't laugh at him when his pants fell down in the eight grade and he was wearing underpants with little rocket ships on them. Or when he ripped one this year right in the middle of the test when everything was silent. Or when Whitney pushed him out of the locker room after gym class butt naked and doing the Macarena, and Lana Lang witnessed the entire thing. I was supportive. I was there for him, even though I almost wet myself trying to hold in my laughter.
Pete: (cont) See a true friend would stick by your side, even when new friends came along. A real friend wouldn't ditch you to go to a Char concert with Lex Luthor. A true friend was me, who kept all his deepest, darkest secrets, well, until now. Now's my revenge, pure and simple. I have the power now Kent! I'm the one with footage of you French kissing a Lex blow up doll. Huh? Who's the man now, Kent?
Pete: That's all I have on Clark really. And perhaps I've already said enough on him. Now, before I go, one last tidbit: he picks his nose. There I said it. Join me next time as I get revenge on.......Lex Luthor.
TBC
A/N: Another stupid OOC story, though not extremely stupid because Pete finally gets something cool to do! This is just something to make people laugh. R&R please! :) Be warned there's some slashy elements to it. Please nobody take offense to this, I'm not trying to make fun of homosexuals at all.
Pete's Revenge
By: Molly
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 1: Victim #1: Clark Kent
(Pete sits in a leather chair in what looks like a fancy library. He smiles wickedly.)
Pete: Hello, my name is Peter Melville Ross, but I bet you didn't know that did you?! And do you know why? Because I get no lines! None! (He sighs. Licks his lips.) But I'm not bitter. Really. Because I have this. My revenge. I know things about the people in Smallville that would make you pee your pants. Awful things.
(Pete looks at the camera with an evil gleam in his eye.)
Pete: This tape will reveal all their dirty little secrets. The people I'm torturing are Clark Kent, Lex Luthor, Chloe Sullivan, Lana Lang, Whitney Fordman, and Various Freaks of Da' Week. Some may ask why the elder Kents are excluded. Well for one, you've got Bo Duke, and no man shall ever mess with someone as sacred as a Duke. And Martha is the woman that Bo Duke chose to spend his life with, therefore she is off-limits too, though I do know a thing or two about her past life as a......oops, that cannot be revealed.
Pete: Now for my first victim, Clark Kent. Clarkbar used to be my best friend. Then he ditched me for Lex Luthor. Now I'm just the token black guy, there to say a few funny things, and then go chasing after some girl who I could never date cuz I'm so darn short!
(Pete's mom can be heard in the background)
Pete's Mom: You'll grow honey, you'll grow. And any girl would be lucky to have such a cutie like you.
Pete: Thanks Mom, but can ya go away, I'm tryin to make a movie here and you're embarrassing me.
Pete's Mom: Sorry! Oh, did you take your medicine today that helps you go poopy?
Pete: (blushes) YES!
Pete's Mom: Ok, then. Good bye!
Pete: (turns back to the camera) That's just my mom. She's very um, senile. Now, uh, back to Clark. I have footage, actual footage, not doctored in any way, shape, or form, of Clarkbar doing some very....unmanly things. Now you may think that Clark would be a manly man. His father is Bo Duke, he wears a lot of flannel, and he likes kittens. Um, wait, scratch that last part. But anyway, here's clip number one of Clark having fun with my older sister's closet. You've been warned.
CUT TO: Clip
(We can see Clark dancing around a very pink room. He has on a tiny belly shirt that says "Boy Watcher," on it and has sequined lips all over it. You can also see that a certain part of that shirt has been, um, stuffed. He's also wearing tight leather pants, ruby red lipstick, and black high heels. He's holding a "Tell Your Boyfriend I'll See Him Later" shirt up to his stomach while he sings and shakes his booty.)
Clark: (singing) I know what boys like.....I know what Lex wants. I see him looking. I'll make Lex want me. I like to tease him. (Clark kisses the mirror.) Boys want to touch me, I'll only let Lex. I know what boys like....I know what Lex wants. I know what boys like....boys like....boys like me. (breaks off and starts humming)
Clark: You look FABulous! All the boys will be just flocking over you, oh, you'll make Lex so jealous. Then he'll come after you. (starts to do a runway walk) Now turn to me....pout...oh, Clark you're gorgeous. Absolutely stunning. Now smile. Make love to the camera.....
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: Shocking, isn't it? There's more you don't know about Clark Kent......
CUT TO: Clark's room. Night.
(Clark lies awake in bed, looking at his ceiling.)
Clark: Are you there God? It's me, Clark. I know I ask for a lot God, but I really want Lex to notice me, and like me. Not like me, but like like me. Boys are so frustrating sometimes. He acts like he likes me sometimes and then sometimes he acts like I never exist. Please help me out God. And while you're at it, could you make my chest bigger?
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: Okay, so that's the extreme stuff. Now there's some stuff that's a little lighter, not as disturbing. Though I do have a lot of disturbing stories to tell. It is a little creepy when Clark suggests we hit the showers....even when we don't have gym class and we were just sitting there at the Talon......ah, never mind.
CUT TO: Clark in the shower.
(Relax ladies, it's only his silhouette from outside the shower. We can hear Clark singing waaaaaay off-key)
Clark: It's a raining men, Hallelujah! It's raining men.
CUT TO: Outside the door
Martha: Relax, Jonathan. It's just a phase. All kids go through it......some worse than others.
Jonathan: I'm just a good ol' boy.
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: Okay, so maybe Jonathan didn't really say that. We had it dubbed like that cuz we all just loved DOH right? Right? Yeah, I thought so.
Pete: (continued) See this is my problem with Clark. I'm cool with the fact that he's in love with a guy...even if it's Lex Luthor. But I've been his best friend since the first grade. I didn't laugh at him when his pants fell down in the eight grade and he was wearing underpants with little rocket ships on them. Or when he ripped one this year right in the middle of the test when everything was silent. Or when Whitney pushed him out of the locker room after gym class butt naked and doing the Macarena, and Lana Lang witnessed the entire thing. I was supportive. I was there for him, even though I almost wet myself trying to hold in my laughter.
Pete: (cont) See a true friend would stick by your side, even when new friends came along. A real friend wouldn't ditch you to go to a Char concert with Lex Luthor. A true friend was me, who kept all his deepest, darkest secrets, well, until now. Now's my revenge, pure and simple. I have the power now Kent! I'm the one with footage of you French kissing a Lex blow up doll. Huh? Who's the man now, Kent?
Pete: That's all I have on Clark really. And perhaps I've already said enough on him. Now, before I go, one last tidbit: he picks his nose. There I said it. Join me next time as I get revenge on.......Lex Luthor.
TBC