Signs of Life

Vitality

Chapter 1: LIKE A POLAROID

"I breathe in, I breathe out;

Count to ten and picture clouds in my mind.

In this game it's all the same,

and talking didn't kill the pain

till you arrived."

"What is up with your head today," Zach's mom was asking when he remembered that he should at least try to listen to her instead of the echoes of Alex's voice from last night.

Zach shook himself and tried to smile in her direction without it being too bright. It must not have worked because she looked totally bemused, but at least she didn't seem too frustrated with him. That was something.

"Do you have summer homework you haven't done yet or something?" she asked, eyes narrowed and almost smirking, that look she got when she thought she'd figured something out and had one up on someone because of it.

His dad used to call it her 'gotcha' face. Zach was about ninety percent sure she wouldn't have gotten this one, but there was still a split second where the ten percent sent his brain into a paranoid tailspin.

There was nothing to give him away right? It wasn't like Alex had texted him about it. Hey, that was some makeout session. Not straight anymore huh? You want to do it again today? Yeah, right.

In reality, the brief texts they'd exchanged after he got home went something like:

Zach Had fun at urs tonight. Again tomorrow?

Alex If ur up for it sure. Me too btw. Night.

Zach Goodnight :)

The conversation had been thrilling enough to feature in his dreams, but it wasn't exactly so explicit that he thought his mom could know based on that. And sure there was the idea that moms just knew but that had never really been true of his before.

God, he'd made out with Alex last night. For like a solid hour after their first two kisses. What the fuck?

Just the thought of the words, of that first time when his brain felt like it would explode and he had just gone with gut instinct and their mouths had fit together for more than a minute- just the memory of the way Alex's eyes had looked right before they came together again. His skin and Alex's, the way they'd pressed into one another. Tracing over teeth and pulling at hair and just so much feeling and so much heat.

"Zachary Shan-Yung Dempsey."

Zach blinked, refocused.

"Ah, sorry mom."

She looked unimpressed.

"Uh-huh. Look. This year is your chance to start fresh, okay? You'll be a senior in a week. It would be so nice to avoid any drama, wouldn't it? Stay focused Zach. Just this year and then you'll be off to college. Keep your head down, play your games, do the work. There will be time for girls or whatever this is later, okay?"

"Right," Zach answered her, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck hard enough to redden the skin there. It wasn't worth the argument.

Yet.

He threw back the last of his smoothie and rested his hand briefly on his mom's shoulder.

"I'm focused ma, I swear. I've got to head out to practice, though. And I'm hanging with Alex again tonight, so I'll probably be back late."

She frowned at him, reaching out as if to fix his shirt or his hair, but retracted her hand back to her side at the last minute.

"Just with the Standall boy?"

"Alex," Zach told her.

He cleared his throat and simpered awkwardly, Alex's mouth and blue eyes in his head again; the way his tongue felt on Zach's; the feeling of the pulse at his throat under Zach's palm; fuck, the sound of Alex's breathing picking up in his ears like a low, pleasant buzzing.

"I don't know," he continued, trying to wrestle his voice back to normal when it came out strange, a little more low and throaty than usual. "Maybe some of the other guys will come over. We haven't totally figured out the details yet."

Her eyes were sharp on him even as she nodded acquiescence.

"Before one, alright? And call if you decide to sleep over."

Sleep over. God, that would be…

Zach bit his lip. Smiled brightly at her again.

"Got it. Bye, mom. Love you."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;

It was good to be on the field for real again, much as he could have done without a few of his teammates. Zach could keep his head in the game fine, but playing nice with another rapist wasn't going to happen; so, he was pulling a fine balancing act, missing a few of the blocks he knew he could have made just narrowly enough to look convincing, but otherwise playing his best and trying to imagine like the running back was only a nameless freshman he was obligated to defend instead of human garbage.

This morning's practice was a little lengthier than usual and by the time they'd been let out he was covered in sweat and grime, sore to satisfaction, not to mention about a thousand times more clear-headed than he'd been since his hang out with Alex the night before.

Alex. God.

Zach turned the shower on to hot, trying to focus on how the heat leached into his muscles, how the hard spray of water felt, then switched it to cold when that only led him to think of Alex again. The heat between them last night. The way sweat had beaded at Alex's temple more and more toward the end.

The cold was a step better but not much. He needed to turn off his brain.

Zach pulled out his phone while toweling off his hair, absently glancing at the time before going to his messages. He had one from Alex asking about when he was coming over that he forced himself to ignore for now, opting instead for the three unreads he had from Justin.

Justin U got practice today?

Justin Starts this week right?

Justin NVM saw Monty's snap. U wanna come over for lunch after nd hang? 12:30?

That sounded perfect, so Zach shot him an affirmative before rounding up his equipment, then reopened his messages to reply to Alex with a question about when they'd finish dinner, even though he already knew the answer. His whole body was thrumming just thinking about it, feelings in his veins like a flashback, and he didn't even know where to start breaking it all down or deciphering the big picture of how this would affect things.

Anyway, how was it possible to be so hungry in so many ways all at once?

Justin greeted him at the door to the Jensen's house with a wide grin and, "Pizza gets here in twenty. Wanna help me convince Clay to game with us?" Then, a little more abashedly, "He says he's not mad at me, but he still keeps making excuses not to hang out. Right now he's catching up on reading a webcomic." The last part was said with an eye roll that Zach couldn't help but laugh at.

For the last several months, basically since Hannah's memorial service, Zach had been bothered by how differently he felt with his two best friends. He couldn't pin down why Alex and Jessica's date to the school dance had put him in such a bad mood whenever Alex wasn't looking, but her and Justin's hookups when discovered had just filled him with protective anger- and, if he was being totally honest with himself, the tiniest bit of relief. Ultimately, he'd put the relief down to having a reason for his aversion to Jess and Alex dating, what he'd assumed was some kind of gut instinct because of a weird post-traumatic reaction to Alex's suicide attempt or some shit.

That was, until Alex had paused the racing game they were playing, said, "Hey, so I like you. I just wanted to put that out there. Like, I've totally got a dumb crush on you. There's no expectations or pressure or anything, other than like… in-game because you're kind of getting your ass handed to you by offbrand Princess Peach", and hit resume on his controller like he hadn't just dropped a huge ass bomb on their night.

On everything.

Zach's car had promptly gone off a bridge and the game was lecturing him by the time he got his hands to cooperate well enough to pause again and say, "Woah, Alex, what the fuck?" His brain a jumbled damn mess.

It was pretty safe to say there was a reason behind how differently he felt about Alex and Justin, and that it probably wasn't the trauma.

Or was it? Was that a thing?

As if on cue, Justin belched and hit Zach's side with his stupid, pointy elbow.

"Don't mention Hannah or Skye, okay? Or Sherri. He's, like, really sensitive about them."

If Alex were here, he'd say something sarcastic in that off-the-cuff way he had down to an art form.

Zach just nodded like a dumbass.

"I heard that," Clay's voice called from in the room, and Justin threw Zach a panicked puppy-dog look.

As if Zach was going to help him.

Yeah, they were still best friends, but that didn't mean his desire to avenge Alex for the cheating escapades of April and May was any less potent. He shrugged at Justin and pushed the door open, nudging his friend through it before him. Right away, Clay cast a look of irritation at his adoptive brother that Zach was hard-pressed not to grin over. It was going to be a fun time.

"What do you want Justin?"

"Uh," Justin looked at him again, eyes wide and blue but with nowhere near the same persuasive power Alex's had (and he'd gotten really good at not giving in to Alex, so Justin Foley didn't even ping on his sympathy radar anymore). "Zach wanted to see if you were any good at Black Ops."

"Black Ops?" Clay repeated kind of incredulously.

"Yeah," Zach said and shrugged one shoulder. "Alex is still banned from shooting games and it's more fun with three people."

"And yet you think I want to play a shooting game? And you want to? Really?"

"It's just a game, Jensen, geez," Justin said but Zach could hear the doubt creeping in.

"Seriously, none of us here have done anything shady with a gun. It's fine," Zach told Clay. From the corner of his eye, he could see Justin doing that open stare thing he did when he was feeling guilty and tried to ignore the twinge of grim satisfaction that rose up inside him at the sight of it, instead continuing to make their case as agreed. "You're hungry, right? You'll get more pizza if you're there to fight for it."

Clay groaned at them, but he was already standing up; it wasn't like they'd put all that much effort into convincing him, so Zach figured the dude was either still pretty soft if you weren't Bryce-level evil or he actually wanted to hang out and just didn't want to admit it. Maybe both. Probably both.

"Fine, but only because leaving you two unsupervised with food, electronics, and alcohol in the house is like asking for disaster."

"Hey-" Justin started, but Zach cut him off with a hand to the chest and his most charming smile directed Jensen's way.

"You're totally right," he said. "Once Justin and I got a whole slice of pizza into the Xbox at Bryce's. Easier than you'd think actually."

"Jesus," Clay grimaced. "How high were you? Wait, don't answer that. I don't want to know. Come on."

They traipsed downstairs, Clay insisting on being the one to set the game up while Zach and Justin got together some "non-alcoholic drinks" (thanks, Clay) and plates, plus answered the door for the pizza delivery when it came. Zach finally let himself check his phone again, specifically his messages with Alex, while Clay and Justin bickered over who got what slices and the necessity of washing hands.

Alex Prob 7. U could come for dinner about 6 if u wanted though

Alex NBD if not

Zach frowned at the texts, considering the offer. He kind of wanted to go, and it wasn't like he hadn't had dinner with the Standalls plenty of times by now- but was it different after last night?

"Are you really going to get weird about this, Dempsey?" he remembered Alex asking when Zach responded to his confession by basically losing all capability for coherent speech, and he hated himself for a second because, yeah, that was pretty much exactly what he was doing. He had kissed Alex and told him he was into him and he was still being weird about it.

"Seriously, Justin, back off. I'm taking player one," he heard Clay say from the other end of the sofa.

Zach swallowed, shook his head as if to clear it, and sent Alex a reply affirming he was game for dinner before he could convince himself not to.

"Don't be a bitch," Justin retorted. "Noobs don't get first dibs, and you've obviously never even played this before, Jensen."

"Uh, yes, I have. Once."

"Seriously? God, you're lame."

"Guest takes player one. There, done, chill the fuck out," Zach interjected, rolling his eyes at them.

Much as he was glad to see Justin and Clay embracing their newfound sibling status by picking fights over dumb shit every time the opportunity arose, he was also tempted to just smack them both with the playstation remotes and tell them to get the fuck over themselves.

Then again, maybe he should take his own advice first seeing as he'd been going in fucking mental circles most of the day.

They were halfway through their second pizza when Clay's phone went off and he paused the game, getting up as he answered the call with, "Hey, give me one minute." Then told them it was Skye, he would be right back, and to just let his soldier die if they wanted to keep playing. Zach watched him go, lounging back in his chair and thinking.

Clay's thing with Skye was strange, and Zach was pretty sure it had been doomed from the start because 1) Clay was in love with a dead girl still, at least at the time; 2) Skye was totally unstable and needed help Clay couldn't possibly give her; and 3) he'd basically treated her like his second chance, like a Hannah 2.0.

None of that was true of him and Alex, right? Zach had maybe loved Hannah- he thought there was a good chance he had- but they'd had two months of a summer romance with nothing else to really connect them. Their friendship had fizzled with their breakup after having only been forged during that heinous, gorgeous, agonizing, cathartic, depressing-as-hell season of his life to begin with.

Alex, though?

In contrast, he and Alex had been friends since just a few months into sophomore year. There was a different kind of history between them than there had been with Hannah. Especially since the suicide attempt, Zach couldn't picture not being friends, not checking in on Alex, not worrying and caring about him regardless of what happened or didn't happen between them romantically (if that was, indeed, what they were headed towards).

And here was the bigger thing: maybe he had loved Hannah, but it hadn't been enough to beat his fear of telling his friends about her. It hadn't been enough for him to avoid fooling around with several girls after they'd gone their separate ways, hadn't prevented him basically moving on both emotionally and physically. What they'd shared hadn't even been enough for him to check in on her when she was obviously struggling. And it hadn't been enough, somehow, for him to learn; because in the story of Zach and Alex, he'd made those same mistakes: failed as a friend and person to recognize the red flags, failed to worry too much until it was maybe too late. Yeah, Hannah would always matter to him, and her memory informed a lot of his actions now, but when he thought about why he was trying to change, why he cared and checked in a lot and risked his reputation to hang out with Alex Standall, Hannah wasn't the reason; Alex was.

And, Zach reminded himself, Alex was getting help. Alex had been in therapy for months. He leaned on Zach, but he leaned on other people too, and he even tried to be there for Zach in the same way. Had Clay and Skye been like that? He honestly wasn't sure, but it hadn't looked like it.

Speaking of- Zach stood, wiping pizza grease off his hand with a crumpled napkin.

"Where you going?" Justin asked, almost absently, eyes not moving from his phone.

"Oh, bathroom," Zach retorted.

Justin looked up at him, glancing between Zach and doorway he'd been about to go through.

"Bathroom's the other way, man."

"Right. I was just gonna check on Clay first, so…"

"Your funeral. Jess says hi, by the way."

Justin was blushing when he said it, and Zach didn't know whether to make fun or say something encouraging or punch him in the damn arm.

"Yeah, well. I guess tell her I said hi too or whatever."

Justin's face started to darken, and Zach glanced behind himself anxiously.

This wasn't supposed to become a whole thing.

"Seriously? You're still being a dick about this to her? Of all people, Zach, Jess?"

"Hey," Zach snapped back, the nerves still ricocheting around his brain sending him from zero to a hundred at a faster velocity than a pitch from Jeff Atkins ever had. "I'm not being a dick, I'm just with Alex, okay? I mean, I'm on his side first. I care a lot about Jess and I get what she's going through, but she's the one who cheated."

"So fucking what?" Justin had stood as he spoke, putting his phone down roughly. "She told Alex in fucking June man. They broke up in May. It's almost September."

"Oh you're right, it's been over two months. It's all fine now."

"You aren't even involved," Justin spat at him. "It's just me, Jess, and Alex. Fuck, even Clay isn't holding it against Jess, just against me, and he's the one with the weird Boy Scout moral code or whatever."

"Of course, I'm fucking involved, Justin," Zach said, probably so loud now that he'd be interrupting Clay's phone call. He felt a little bad at the thought, but not enough to back down.

"Why?" Justin, lip curled into an ugly sneer.

"Because it wasn't just anyone you guys screwed over, asshole. It was my- Alex. It was Alex. He fucking shot himself only like nine months ago, Justin. Jesus fucking Christ."

"Jesus fucking Christ," Justin echoed back to him. "Using his suicide attempt? Low move, Dempsey. Wonder how Standall would feel about that. He's supposed to be your best friend, right? That's what you were gonna say?"

Zach just stared back at him for a long moment, the silence sitting like an anvil on his chest.

Why was he so bad at this, at standing up to and for people?

Why was he so good at being quiet even when he didn't want to be?

Why did his voice always seem to abandon him when it was most important that he speak?

He remembered Alex yelling at him, hurt in his eyes, too many times. Just last night, when Zach couldn't get the words to line up right after kissing Alex and his lack of communication made the other boy assume it was some kind of attempt at "letting him down easy". Zach remembered just sitting there while Jessica asked for reassurance that Justin was telling the truth about nothing happening to her at her party and how most of them knew it was bullshit, but he'd gone along with it anyway. The box of polaroids. Bryce and Monty and Scott making fun of Alex right next to him over and over again. All of the guys saying shit about Hannah he knew wasn't true. Pretending like Hannah was nothing to him to all his asshole buddies. Doing the same thing all over to Alex. Ignoring Justin's calls because that was easier than facing him with more bullshit and impossible with the truth. Lying even to his own mom about where he was going, what he was doing, how he was feeling.

"No," he told Justin finally, and he was kind of surprised how exhausted his voice came out. "I mean, he's one of my best friends, but not like you dude. I swear."

At least it was true.

Justin visibly deflated.

"Sorry, man. I'm still kind of on edge I guess. It's weird, right? Me in this nice ass house, no real strings, no drugs? It's weird. But look, I know you and Standall are close. I get it. I just… Jess is your friend too, and she feels really bad about how it all went down."

Zach shrugged, looking away.

"I know. It's not like I'm not talking to her.."

"Yeah," Justin said. "I know," though it didn't really sound like he did.

"I've really gotta piss still, man, so I'm gonna," Zach gestured back toward the hallway and Justin laughed, rolling his eyes.

"Geez Dempsey, go. Watch your damn aim, okay?"

"Fuck off, that was one time," Zach retorted, but he was grinning as he flipped his friend off and finally made his escape.

Clay was in his room with the door open when Zach found him, sitting in his desk chair and staring at his phone. Zach rapped his knuckles twice against the wall, and Clay spun around to face him.

"Hey. I heard you and Justin arguing, so I just came in here. I was going to head back down in a few minutes. Are you guys… okay?"

"Yeah," Zach said, casting a glance around the room before coming fully in and standing awkwardly in the middle of the room. "It was just a dumb thing about him and Jess."

"I heard."

"Oh, cool."

"Not really."

Zach shifted his weight, eyes scanning over the bedroom again.

He considered himself and Clay basically friends now, like most everyone on the tapes that were halfway decent people. Between having to band together to try and take down Bryce (and now Monty) and bonding over shared trauma or whatever, it was pretty much unavoidable. Still, the truth about him and Hannah had cast a pall over all their interactions. Every time, Zach thought they had gotten past it one of them would say something awkward or passive-aggressive and... it was like taking three steps forward, two steps back- better and worse all the time.

Briefly, he wondered if telling Clay that he and Alex had made out would make him finally get over the whole Hannah thing. But more likely it would be the opposite, wouldn't it? Clay would get protective and assume the worst in Zach and it would all go to shit again. Anyway, he still had little to no idea what any of it meant himself and wasn't about to betray Alex's trust by telling anyone else before the two of them had even talked about it; so, the point was moot.

"Did you, like, want something?"

"Uh, yeah." Zach's tongue felt like it was made out of leather. Dry and thick and choking him. "How's Skye?"

"She's good," Clay said. "Why, you want her number or something?'

"What?"

"It was a joke," Clay told him, like duh. Like God, Zach, how dumb can you be?

Zach rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, staring at a little robot sculpture thing on the desk.

"Right, yeah. So look, man, can I ask a weird question?"

"I mean, why stop now, right?"

Zach groaned.

Crap, why had he thought this was a good idea? What had he even meant to say? Just ask Clay how he knew his feelings for Skye were the real deal? Ask him if he knew their relationship was all hero complex and some desperate bid for a do-over while it was still happening? Ask him if he'd ever had the same feelings about other self-destructive people he was friends with like Jess or Tyler or fucking Alex? And if not, why?

Like maybe Clay could somehow figure out for Zach what it meant that he couldn't stop thinking about Alex and wanting to be around him and look out for him and kiss him and make him happy in as many ways as possible. Like Clay could give him some clue how to navigate this strange friends to more transition that was even more complicated by the fact that they were both dudes. Fucking dumb.

"I'm just gonna go."

"No, no. Sorry. I'm in a weird mood."

Clay rubbed a hand over his eyes and threw a poor attempt at a smile at Zach.

"Seems to be going around," Zach said quietly, more to himself than to Clay.

"Yeah," Clay agreed to Zach's surprise. He looked almost sheepish. "I think it might be school starting so soon. It's hard not to associate that place with everything that's happened."

Zach closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in. He knew exactly what Clay meant, though he'd been avoiding really thinking about it. Even on the field today, with the school looming right there. He'd been so relieved to be out on the field playing again; yet, at the same time, it was hard not to feel like all of the bad things that had happened, and all the bad things that still could, were there in his shadow, following him.

And maybe some of his own weirdness today wasn't just due to the things that had happened between him and Alex. Maybe he kept coming back to the conflict not just because he was possibly really into this guy who was one of his best friends, but also because even that was nowhere near as hard to think about as what it would mean to be in school again.

Fuck maybe. He knew it was. He was so fucking scared.

"I know what you mean," he admitted.

Clay's stiff posture relaxed slightly, and he nodded once at Zach. Like understanding. Like solidarity.

And that was all he needed. They might not always get along, but, shit, it felt good to have a few people Zach knew he could be real with. It felt good to know they'd get it when he was.

"Come on, man," Clay told him, standing from the desk and heading for the door. "Let's get back. Who knows what kind of havoc Justin has wrought in our absence?"

"Wrought," Zach repeated, laughing as he followed Clay downstairs to the living room. "Oh my God, Justin's right. We do have to get you laid."

;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Dinner with the Standalls roughly translated actually meant dinner with Alex and one of his parents, sometimes even with just Alex alone. As far as Zach knew, before Alex had shot himself, either his mom would cook or his dad would grill or Alex would make whatever, but it was rare they'd all eat together at the same time. Post-shooting, the ritual had changed. Pretty much everything had.

Once Alex was finally home, he basically always had to be around someone, whether it was his parents or one of his friends- Zach, Clay, Jess, Tyler, Tony, and even Courtney and Ryan had all been in the mix to make sure Alex wasn't on his own anymore. On top of that, his mom and dad had gone out of their way to rearrange their schedules so that two to three nights a week Alex and his mom and dad would all get to sit down together at the same time. Unlike other nights when any number of them were welcome over, those meals were a little more sacred, a little more personal.

So, when Mrs. Standall opened the door and Mr. Standall was visible not far behind her, standing at the side of their couch holding a beer, Zach was kind of surprised. Make that really. He was really surprised.

The deal was he'd had dinners with them plenty- but not these dinners, not the few meals Alex had with both his parents around. Zach wasn't honestly sure who had set the boundary between the two of them, just that it had somehow come into existence. They both had some motivation: family time was something Zach considered of the utmost importance, and Alex could get embarrassed and secretive about the weirdest things. Hell, it may have just been another mutual, unspoken understanding. Zach thought he and Alex had a lot of those.

There was a chance they needed to start making their understandings spoken, though, if only to ensure they were actually on the same page. Zach had been taken off guard even more than usual lately.

"Hey, Zach," Mrs. Standall greeted him warmly. "You're right on time. We were so happy to hear you could make it tonight. We made steaks, certified organic of course, and some fresh vegetables. Steak is one of your favorites, right? That's what Alex said."

She was looking at him earnestly, and Zach wondered bizarrely if this was what it felt like to meet the parents. He'd never actually had to do that before.

Oh, Christ. What if Alex had told them they were dating? Were they?

It wasn't like it would be a problem per se, but a little preparation would have been nice.

"Hey, Zach," Mr. Standall called to him. "Come on in son. You want a cold one? I'm just kidding. There's plenty of hemp milk." He winked then gestured to the TV. "Alex is hiding in his room for now but game's on if you want to watch. Hell, maybe that could get Alex to come out."

Holy shit.

"Um, yeah. Well, thanks for having me. It smells amazing in here and that game offer is pretty tempting, but I'll just go find Alex. Thanks, though. Again."

Mr. Standall nodded at him, taking a swig from his beer.

"Make sure you keep the door open."

Oh God. Was that usual? That was one of the normal rules, right? He honestly couldn't remember.

"Dinner is just about done, but take your time if you need to," Mrs. Standall added. "Today's been kind of rough on him."

Alex was sitting on his bed, headphones in, head tilted back against the headboard, eyes closed. Zach stopped in the open doorway at the sight, pulling a deep breath. His eyes traced over the angles of jaw, the lines of neck, the way Alex's t-shirt was slightly askew over the jut of his collarbone. The blanket was crumpled up towards the foot of the bed, and Zach had to force himself not to concentrate on the narrowness of Alex's body, on how he could see a little strip of skin between the hem of Alex's shirt and his sweats. He'd seen Alex shirtless so many times now that it was easy to imagine- but so not the time.

There was really no denying the attraction. It wasn't the heat of the moment. It wasn't just thinking Alex was objectively good looking or whatever. It wasn't trauma or guilt or a hero complex interfering with his sexuality. It was just Alex, and how he looked to Zach.

Zach carefully moved the door behind himself so that it was open but at a narrow angle. Alex had been negotiating the degree of closure allowed for what felt like so long now that Zach was pretty sure he could write the world's weirdest geometry problem.

He approached the bed, and sat down next to Alex gingerly. From this angle, he was clearly asleep. Zach eyed the door and snagged the earbud closest to him, holding it up to his ear for a moment and nudging Alex's shoulder with his own once. When Alex still didn't really wake up, Zach jostled him again until, finally, his eyes cracked open and promptly caught on Zach's above his.

"Holy shit," Alex hissed. "How long have you been there?"

"It's been a hundred years. The whole kingdom is different now, and I killed this huge ass purple and black dragon for you."

"Ugh, stop. May needs to quit making you watch those movies with her. You're so much less cool after."

"Normally beauty sleep is supposed to help your temper," Zach muttered. "What the hell are you listening to anyway?"

Alex rolled his eyes, moving stiffly to take the remaining headphone from his ear.

"How do you not know Joy Division by now? Whatever. You know, you weren't supposed to get here until six."

"Yeah, look at the time Standall. It's like six-fifteen."

"Fuck," Alex groaned. "I'm sorry. Therapy today was pretty brutal."

Zach's nerves shot up like they always did when Alex was having a rough time, but he shoved them back down, concentrating. All his shit could wait a little longer.

"Do you… wanna talk about it?"

"Yeah, I guess. I mean, I had a total fucking breakdown. And I'm fine now, but it wore me out. It's pathetic."

"Shit, man," Zach reached out to him without thinking, laying his palm against the skin where neck became shoulder.

Alex's eyes followed the gesture before moving back to look at Zach directly.

"I'm okay," Alex told him. "Really, I just got overwhelmed. You know, the stuff with you, and school next week, and then I got a letter this morning. I guess technically it was from yesterday but I didn't see it until today. Not that it matters."

"A letter?" Zach asked. He hesitated, but let his hand drop to Alex's, fingertips folding around the side of it.

Alex swallowed, eyes flitting to one of the band posters by the bedroom door, then down to their hands. He slowly shifted to hold Zach's hand back.

"It was from Tyler," he said after a beat.

"Oh."

Yeah, Zach didn't know where the fuck to even start with that.

Alex's head tilted back again, his eyes closing. When he spoke, his voice was raw.

"I can't stop feeling like it's my fault. I know you don't like him, and I get it. But it's like I failed another friend. He wasn't trying to guilt me or anything." His eyes opened, staring into Zach's. "He still considers us friends, so that's good. And the center he's in seems to be helping him. He just... wanted to tell his side of the story and it sent me into kind of a guilt thing. I should have done more."

"That's it?" Zach asked. "I mean, I get it. I don't know if you could have done anything but… That's all the letter was about?"

Alex pulled away from him.

"Yeah. I don't know. Maybe I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay," Zach murmured, watching him carefully.

"I'm so fucking sore," Alex muttered. "I don't want to move to go out there."

"Both your parents are here," Zach replied, and what the fuck was he even doing?

Alex's brow furrowed like he was thinking the same thing.

"Yeah, well. My mom switched her shift."

"Did you tell them about us?"

Well, he just did that. Fucking great timing, Zach.

Zach was pulled back from his thoughts by the movement of Alex's shoulder against his, the sound of his laughter.

"Zach, what?"

"Uh, well. You haven't told anyone?"

"Actually, I live-tweeted the whole thing. You didn't see?"

Zach snorted, shaking his head.

"You don't even have a twitter."

"You're right, I don't."

"Fuck you, Standall," Zach grinned at him, then sobered. "Seriously, though. You didn't…"

"No," and just like that Alex's face had closed off. Where their bodies still touched all Zach could feel was how he'd gone stiff as a board.

Alex's hands were both shaking.

"Hey, I," Zach stood from the bed, pacing to where the door was set ajar, then back to the side of the bed, and once more to the door, this time glancing outside of it.

"What's up, Dempsey?" Alex asked.

Zach wheeled around, strode across the room, and stopped halfway to Alex's side. He felt as though all the strange energy of the day had built up inside him like an adrenaline rush.

"I was only asking because we haven't actually talked about it yet, dude. I mean, I don't regret it."

Alex stared for a moment then softened. His eyes were already warming back up.

"Ok. Help me up?"

Zach crossed the room to him in three steps, automatically sliding an arm around Alex's waist to support him. Once Alex had gotten ahold of his cane, instead of letting go, Zach glanced again behind himself and back to Alex. His unoccupied hand went between them, brushing over the inside of Alex's left wrist. Alex was staring, watching Zach as if transfixed, while Zach raised the damaged hand and, on instinct, turned it over, leaning to press a kiss to the pulse point. Alex shivered, drawing a quick, sharp breath. Zach swallowed, met Alex's searing stare, and methodically slotted their fingers together.

Zach had no idea who started this kiss, both of them moving in to the other as one. It started as a hot, firm press of lips, and then Alex's mouth opened and Zach's did too, and everything was exploration. Alex let go of his cane again and leaned into Zach, and Zach let himself be moved, let his body help take Alex wherever the fuck he wanted to go; wherever it was, he knew it was where he wanted to be. His back hit the door, and it clicked closed behind him. His hands were firm on the small of Alex's back, pressing in so hard he pictured little marks forming, red indentations that might not fade completely for an hour or more.

He clutched him harder at the image of that in his brain, breath catching and coming faster than before.

Alex's good hand fisted into Zach's hair, alternating between gentle tugs and firm pulls, as if grasping hard enough or in just the right way might sate the burning between them. He kissed his way to Zach's jawline, dropping a little nip to his earlobe, then back to Zach's mouth, sounds like the beginning of moans and cuss words climbing their throats, moving between them.

Too soon, Alex pulled back, one hand groping for the side of his dresser.

Zach kept a hand still on his back. He was itching for more, itching to slide a hand onto Alex's ass and anchor them together somehow, or maybe to put his palm under that shirt, feel the living heat of Alex's flushed skin, see how far the red on his face traveled. Maybe find the marks on his back and kiss each imprint. He was breathing so fucking hard.

"Dinner," Alex said finally, and Zach stared at him.

"Like I'm a…"

"Oh God, fuck, Zach," Alex laughed, still almost breathless. His lips were swollen, everything from his hair to his clothes in the best kind of disarray. "No, like we were supposed to be having dinner with my parents."

"Oh, shit."

"Yeah," Alex retorted, looking way too self-satisfied.

It kind of only made Zach want to kiss him more.

How long had it been since he last had sex again? He hadn't realized how hard up he was until Alex fucking turned the world upside down on him.

"Should- should we… go out there?"

"Well, yeah. But, uh, I still need a minute to try and think really unsexy thoughts, not to mention look a little less like some giant just mauled me."

"Oh," Zach said. His heart was still soaring in his ears, his brain fuzzy with happiness and nerves and unending want. "Fuck, me too."

"Definitely you too," Alex told him. "Although your hair is still so perfect looking, it's stupid. I pulled on it a lot, and it looks exactly the same."

"Don't sound too disappointed," Zach teased him.

"Fuck that. Your genes suck."

"You seemed to really like my genes a minute ago," Zach pointed out. He stepped back from the door, giving himself the space to open it back to about a twenty-degree angle.

"I did. I do," Alex affirmed.

He was still flushed, good hand smoothing over his hair. Zach's eyes trailed over the scar on Alex's head, and he swallowed the urge to grab him and kiss him frantically. Maybe push dinner back another thirty minutes so he could tell Alex over and over how glad he was that he was still around. How totally fucking grateful he was for their friendship, the bad parts and the good parts alike. How Alex had become so completely important to him, it bordered on ludicrous, and Zach didn't even care because Alex was worth it for him.

He didn't know if he'd ever totally get used to seeing the scars so plainly.

"I like your genes too," Zach said. He hoped Alex could see in the darkness of his eyes all the things he kept trying and failing to say.

Alex smiled reflexively, more genuine than his usually were, and looked away from Zach.

"I don't look too obvious, do I?"

Zach honestly wasn't sure, but he didn't think so. Most of the redness had abated from Alex's face, and his hair looked, if anything, like he'd put some minimal effort into flattening bed head. Zach wouldn't have guessed they'd just made out if he hadn't been there. He kind of didn't like it.

Zach wondered if Alex felt the same way. Like, yeah, he didn't want Mr. and Mrs. Standall to figure it out (if they hadn't already- he still wasn't completely convinced), but he also wanted some kind of proof that this was all real. He wanted Alex to look at himself in the mirror, and see the evidence that he was wanted reflected, these memories they kept making as visible as the scar, as all the pain and hurt and loss that it recalled.

Zach wondered at what he might see looking at himself. If he could find all the places Alex's fingers had touched.

When they got to the dining room, Mr. and Mrs. Standall looked up, smiling pleasantly. They both looked pretty tired.

"Hey! You boys get carried away?"

"Uh, yeah," Alex said after a beat of his dad looking at him expectantly. "You could say that."

"Good. That's good. I'm glad you guys can talk to each other. You know, I never was too good at that with my buddies, not with the things that mattered. It's a new generation, I guess."

"A better one, at least with that kind of thing," Mrs. Standall added kindly.

"Yeah," Zach said, heart still beating hard as he went to sit at the table with them, Alex already slowly working to ease himself down into a chair. "Yeah, maybe."

The food was lukewarm but well-seasoned, and Zach didn't care either way. Under the table, he bumped Alex's foot with his, smiling innocently when their eyes met.

;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Zach So that was fun

Alex Always good to kick ur ass at need4speed

Alex Again tomorrow?

Zach Definitely. Can't wait. Goodnight x

Alex Night x

Notes:

Chapter title and quote from the song "Like a Polaroid" by Vardaan Arora watch?v=tPoqaWga5wc

Current projections have this as being somewhere around 20+ chapters but we'll see what happens. Each chapter will be named for a song from my Zach/Alex playlist that I will link to here, as shown above. I am working off of canon events, and thus Monty will be in this story as an antagonistic force at the school. There will be references to all canon triggers including the sexual assault in episode 13, but no graphic description thereof. Please take caution and take care of yourselves. Specific triggers will be noted whenever I think the may be necessary in the end notes of a chapter, so feel free to scroll down to read the TWs if you need. I will have them bolded.

If you want to talk about Zach, Alex, and/or Zalex (or really anything 13RW), feel free to drop me a line at my hot mess of a general tumblr (lunalitsol for url). Love to you all.